NC begins today - my 5 mo affair with a MM

[atlnay]

Hello all. I've been a lurker since mid summer and joined a few months ago but have always been scared to put it all out there on paper. For obvious reasons, this R isn't something I can discuss with anyone in my life. Very few friends know, even fewer approve & no one can tolerate the weekly breakups so I've been keeping so much bottled up in me I think it made my back muscles tighten and seize up over the weekend. I'm just so very very tired.

 

Here goes:

 

Started at a new job in fall of 2008. After about 2 months, the one viable guy there starts making the moves & while I don't do office romances, he was persistent & charming & I was flattered. The warning signs were all there in the beginning, but being naive and trusting, I just didn't ask any questions, muchless the right ones.

 

We quickly fell into a PA (albeit sexless) and spent the next few months doing heavy petting every chance we could & getting to know each other better in the public forum of work.

 

There were instances of him accusing me of "cheating" on him and a few flare ups of jealously from both of us when it came to other coworkers, but we never ended things. I was vaguely aware his childs mother was in the picture but the few occasions he mentioned her was to show there was no real relationship there.

 

Fastforward to june of this year. He tells me the last day of work that I see him he's going to have to say yes to something for the sake of his daughter. Me being so infatuated with him, still didn't ask the right questions, I thought she asked him to marry her, he sorta said that was the case & how he always warned his friends to not get married for the child and here he was in that same situation.

 

As we continued to talk, it became clearer that he was getting married & at that point, I instantly shut down from him. I even backed away and pretty much said good luck with that. He said he still wanted me in the picture and before even finding this forum, I called him a cake eater to his face. His reply was what I now find out was a form of gaslighting. Making me feel guilty for calling him out by turning it around on me. *sigh*

 

By this point I think I was in full blown shock. I had so much invested emotionally & was numb. I told him I needed to date other people & he said so long as I didn't sleep with them, he could handle that. He had to get back to work, I had to get home, so we left it at that. I still remember exactly what I wore that day.

 

The next time I saw him was about 5 days later, he was married. I refused to deal with him, he begged me to come see him at the job & I relented. I had to see his face for it all to sink in. I saw the ring & just went cold. He looked at my face then the ring and said it meant nothing to him.

 

That was on a Thursday. We slept together the following Tuesday and have continued to do so at least once a month. We no longer work together, but I still see him at least once a week and he calls daily or we email on fb daily. Every week since he got married we "break up" or I try to leave him & it only makes him fight harder to keep me in the picture.

 

Earlier this month we had a bad spell of me leaving him. It's gotten easier for me to pull away since I don't see him but he knows I love him, so he plays on that. Last week was the first week I decided to just stop running away (as if this is a viable relationship) and relax as he keeps asking me to do and because there are so many unknowns, I freak out.

 

I dread the weekend, because we only talk while he's at work. I think he's going to wake up one day and realize how lucky he is and cut me off. So I keep trying to end it first.

 

I'm just so tired of being on this emotional rollercoaster with him in a relationship that won't go anywhere. I don't even want him to leave his wife for me. I'll never trust him & if I find an available guy to sleep with, why would I still sleep with him?

 

There are feelings, he's been a significant part in me finding myself again, but I think I'm over him. I know this needs to end. This is not me. He's not going to change, but he's her problem not mine. Each day he doesn't get less married, he gets more married, they bought a house, he's getting a new car, his child is getting older, so I'm not going to get anything out of this.

 

Even the last time we had sex I was a bit unmoved by it, all the other times were FANTASTIC because of the newness and excitement but I want more. I want someone that can spend the night or I don't have to worry my perfume will be on him when he leaves or that I can call in the middle of the night. I'm just so emotionally tired of being the 4th/5th priority in his life and keeping him the #1 priority in mine.

 

I read these forums 2-3x a day and see myself in so many OW and read the pain of the wives. I don't want that for me anymore. Not going into a new year. I don't regret one single moment of what we shared. He's lucky, I'm not some psycho chick, will never cause him probs and he got away with it all. We are at a good point for both of us to move on. I've told him over & over to find some other woman that can sleep with him if that's what he needs to do, I have too many feelings to keep doing this.

 

I'm also a big believer in signs and today read about doing a 60 day NC in order to move on and it spelled out all the steps, which match up what most people on LS seem to go thru. I'm ready. 60 days from now will be valentines day. I'm so ready to find someone "single" or shall I say unmarried to be involved with. For too long I've tolerated things with my MM that I would NEVER EVER entertain from a single guy - madness. But it's not just me I see, so that makes me feel less crazy.

 

So that's a brief (more or less ) intro/history into who I am and why I'm here. I can't predict the future but I am willing myself to have a healthy valentines day 2010 and am not even contacting him to let him know I'm done. I'm just going to vanish. Wont even delete him from fb, that pushes a button and whenever I tell him I'm leaving him, it "turns him on". Instead I'm not taking his calls & will be unavailable to him & his needs. He's a smart guy, he'll get the hint.

[fooled once]

Yikes - you knew he was married and you still continued on with him?

 

You and he break up weekly?

 

This sounds like a very immature relationship.

 

I hope you stop TODAY taking his calls or seeing him.

 

Yes, it is hard, but you CAN do it. It is all within you. You have to find it and use it.

 

Good luck!

[atlnay]

Yikes - you knew he was married and you still continued on with him?

Good luck!

 

yup. long story short i had so many months emotionally invested in him, i liked him blah blah blah. there was still a point i could've walked away clean, the day he told me, even the day i actually saw the ring, but he continued to pursue me & i liked him

 

You and he break up weekly?

 

This sounds like a very immature relationship.

 

took all my willpower not to reply defensively but yea i'm not at my most mature. at the time the weekly breakups were the only thing i felt i could control in this crazy situation (aside from leaving him alone completely). each week, especially since we no longer work together, i thought he'd wake up and focus on his family or his W will find out or he'll tire of me or he'll find another. so i'd break up and few a few hours have a real sense of relief, a weight off my shoulders, then he'd call or email and i'd (allow myself to be) sucked in again.

 

the emotional rollercoaster never stopped. till today.

 

i realize i'm not really asking for help per se, i know it must end and am ready to end it. i don't want a Dday. i don't want him to leave. i just want this chapter of my life to close.

[Boundary Problem]

yup. long story short i had so many months emotionally invested in him,

 

i just want this chapter of my life to close.

 

 

Sounds like the reality of his marriage has sunk in and you have hit "rock bottom" in this relationship.

 

You get to control when you close this chapter of your life, and looks like you have made that decision.

 

Just to warn you - he has NO incentive to honour your wishes for NC.

 

So have a plan for him continuing to contact you. And ideally start getting out there dating randomnly so that you are getting out lots/lots of emails from others, so if he emails you it won't derail your forward movement.

 

He won't take you seriously, just because you have broken up/gotten back together so many times. So dating someone else is the best way to get the messag through that things are different this time.

 

Because he knows how to push your buttons and play upon your vulnerabilities, is my guess. Sounds like you both know each other pretty well. The emotional bonds are hard to detach.

 

I wish you luck and hopefully Valentine's Day is great for you!

[whichwayisup]

What's done is done and now you know what you need to do... Stay in NC mode and be strong. This guy is a complete selfish jerk-off who knows exactly what buttons to push, how to manipulate you. YOU KNOW THIS.. Do NOT give in to him anymore...Take control back and you will be fine.

 

Yes it'll hurt you, you'll probably have withdrawal, alot of pain and saddness, but all that WILL go away and you will heal...And look back on this and wonder how you let some loser rope you in.

 

In the meantime, don't look for closure from him, make your own closure. Own your part in this, don't put ALL the blame on him.. Work on you.. Get stronger and more secure so this never happens again...

 

Keep posting and again, be strong stay in NC mode with him, even if it kills your heart. It's the right thing to do for you.

[sugarmomma]

At least you don't work with him anymore. That would make your process so much worse. I wish you the best.

 

You can do this. One day at a time. Anger helped me a lot.

[atlnay]

Sounds like the reality of his marriage has sunk in and you have hit "rock bottom" in this relationship.

 

That pretty much sums it up. I care about him, I like him a LOT even told him I loved him, but the reality of it all is each day he isn't getting less married, he's getting MORE married. The last time we were together I asked him a question and said, YOUR WIFE, first time either of us acknowledged the elephant in the room. For the most part, he tries to play himself off as a single dad.

 

ideally start getting out there dating randomnly so that you are getting out lots

 

That's the plan. I go on vacation for the holiday and when I return for the new year I will be in full press dating mode, not looking for or avoiding anything serious, I just need to stay busy and get out the house.

 

He won't take you seriously, just because you have broken up/gotten back together so many times. Because he knows how to push your buttons and play upon your vulnerabilities, is my guess. Sounds like you both know each other pretty well. The emotional bonds are hard to detach.

 

You also nailed that too. Each time I end it, the stakes get pushed a little higher. To date he's done the "pop up" at my door after calling first to make sure I was home (alone). I've been warned, by my male friends, he'll progress to showing up unannounced.

 

He's said what he'd do or say if he saw me out with another guy, which I take with a grain of salt. We have a common friend from the old job who he had call me (after i wouldn't answer the phone). So I'm prepared for that as well.

 

I think for the most part he'll try really hard for the 1st few days, but his pride will catch up with him & he'll stop.

 

I wish you luck and hopefully Valentine's Day is great for you!

 

I plan for it to be. I won't be in this emotional funk anymore and even if I don't have my own personal valentine I plan to go to a BANGING singles party.

[Hazyhead]

Dealing with that level of deception must have been awful for you; I know how it feels to be on the receiving end, and it's sickening. To be honest, I think even though he cares for you and enjoys your company, the fact that he recently got married means he's tied to that relationship, at least for a good while. He will hurt you further so I think you're right to go NC. I'm just starting this myself, and whilst it is scary, I'm determined to succeed. I don't think I could cope, or would want to, with any more hurt, and I suspect you feel the same. Good luck with NC and have a fantastic Christmas.

[atlnay]

Dealing with that level of deception must have been awful for you;

 

If I'm really honest with myself it's fair to say I walked around shocked from the reality of it all for about 3 months. I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. The only "justification" I used on myself was that I wasn't sleeping with anyone else, it's not something I jump into and out of easily & I had invested so much emotional energy into him & waited to slong I felt he "owed" me a few rounds of sex.

 

even though he cares for you and enjoys your company, the fact that he recently got married means he's tied to that relationship, at least for a good while.

 

I agree with that. I asked him why did he do this, especially hearing him say before he'd never divorce (said during our nightly chats on random topics at work) and he looked at me and said, you never know. I never got the impression he was stringing me along further, the deed was already done, he said it with such a sad tone in his voice.

 

All I can do is speculate and one of the theories I have is, he was going to marry her anyway, she's the mother of his child, they have history and he loves her. He (says he) was given an ultimatum and resented it. This is his rebellion phase.

 

I think I help take the "edge" of his situation. While he does like me etc, I mostly think he likes how I make him feel. A male friend explained to me that marriage to a man is a cutting off of options. Right now in my MM mind, he's married with a girlfriend. He still has his option. But I hold no illusions he'll leave her, much less for me nor do I think I even want that.

 

Good luck with NC and have a fantastic Christmas.

 

Thanks for the well wishes. Had I still worked there NC in any form would be impossible. I couldn't even last a shift being mad at him without him being in my face making me laugh, smoothing things over.

 

Now the only way for us to have contact is for him to come to me and so long as I'm unavailable, it'll be harder and harder for him to do and he can only risk so much before he moves on or deals with what he's been avoiding.

 

Have a FANTASTIC Christmas too HH

[Hazyhead]

I agree with that - that you help take the edge off his situation and enable him to avoid dealing with any issues that he may have with his marriage. I'm guilty of this myself, and whilst I sometimes think that if I walk away he would

settle, I also think that if that were to happen, he's not the man for me anyway. I need a stronger person than that and much as I love him, he has to choose for himself, but me hanging around will complicate that choice for him. Walk away with your head held high atlnay.

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

Good luck to you! You will have good days and bad but you are doing the right thing. This is emotional rollercoaster is not worth it. You keep strong and keep posting even on your bad days. That is what I plan on doing. Being angry is a good thing that is where I am with my NC. Please keep us update.

[Samantha0905]

Wow, that's an awful story. I'm sorry you've been through this. I can't believe he got married AFTER you two were seeing each other. Unbelievable. What's done is done and, of course, you know that's when you should have cut him off completely. I know -- easier said than done.

 

I hope you are are able to maintain NC and move on.