He's Divorced & doesn't want to get married again, But I want to be Married

[sweetpea23]

Ok, So here is my situation. I have been with my bf for about 17 months now. He is 39, recently divorced (2 yrs ago papers were final, although they stopped 3 yrs ago) has 2 kids that are 5 and 7. We started living together when we hit our 10 month mark, and i'm a step mom to his kids that I help him raise every other day and every other weekend when we have them. He is an eye doctor, and I have been running one of his offices for about 6 months now. I handle everything regarding mine and his bills. I'm 24, I have no children, I was engaged once but broke it off as things weren't as they seemed and I have never been married. I was raised Christian, but am not a constant member of the faith. I have always wanted to be married and spend the rest of my life with someone, and Throughout all of my long relationships (2 yrs, 3 yrs, 3yrs) I haven't found that solid relationship I want in order to take the next step of marriage until now. Unfortunately, my bf has no faith, and never wanted to get married in the first place. His ex and him were married for 10 horrible years he says. I know the ex as I try to deal with her regarding the kids daily so I know what a horrible person she is and can only imagine how she was to him. After everything; he has told me that he doesn't want to get married again, he tells me loves me more than anyone he ever has, and I feel the same about him. He has even told me that he would buy me a ring to say he promises to love me forever. I'm not in a hurry to get married, I just want to be able to marry him. And everytime this topic comes up, it always ends in him not wanting to be married, then he feels bad for thinking this way because it is crushing my dreams at marriage, and then he says but with time he could change his mind. I know I don't want to be someone that says I have been with my boyfriend for 14 yrs. I love him more than anything and would do almost anything for him, I can't imagine him and the kids not in my life. Should I come to terms with him never wanting to take that step with me, or keep hoping that he might change his mind as in relationships there should be give and take right? Do I push aside what I have always wanted for him? He always says we are basically married now to me, i know his parents well, all his friends, raise his kids, run his business, I love him entirely... Does anyone have an advice for me? Thank you for all your help.

Edited December 14, 2009 by sweetpea23

[Enema]

I think you should come to terms with him not going to marry you.

 

Marriage burns a lot of people. 50% of first marriages fail. 70% of second marriages fail. Add in the 25 year age difference and what do you think his chances of not losing here are? 1-2%?

 

He's wise not to get married again.

[hopeful1980]

Make a choice - do you want to be with him or do you want to be married? He doesn't want to be married. If you do, then it won't be to him. At 24, you are young enough to find someone who wants the same things you want with plenty of time for children and everything else.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You're already 'playing wife'...where is the incentive to make it legal (i.e. give you half his stuff if it doesn't work out)? Right now he can kick you out when you're not pleasant, and all he has to part with--if he's nice--is cab fare!

[sonicranger]

I agree with the others.

 

Surely there are thousands of people who defy the odds but you've got a lot stacked against you to start. Are you really sure you're just not his "Ms. Rightnow"?

 

From what you've described it sounds like you're a nanny, lover, bookkeeper, housewife and then some. Now obviously if you're happy doing these things and he reciprocates in an acceptable manner to you then it doesn't matter.

 

I know that most of my male friends who've been divorced and have kids don't ever want to get married again NOR do they want more children.

 

Have you discussed that aspect as well? Do you want kids of your own? Does he want more? I'd say THAT is more important than the whole marriage thing, at this point.

[sweetpea23]

You have a very good point. We have discussed kids right when we started first dating. I do not want any kids of my own, and he is fixed so he doesn't want anymore either. So having kids isn't really the issue regarding us. He treats me like I am his world, he doesn't take me for granted, and he helps me with whatever I need. We are a full time team in everything we do. We have been unseperable since we moved in together and have each other wraped in every aspect of eachothers lives. I know this would be an easy answer if he treated me badly, cheated etc, but he has never been anything but the wonderful man I fell in love with...I guess thats why I have this pondering question... Thank you for all your thoughts as I need some outside perspectives....

[Agoraphobianebula]

You have a very good point. We have discussed kids right when we started first dating. I do not want any kids of my own, and he is fixed so he doesn't want anymore either. So having kids isn't really the issue regarding us. He treats me like I am his world, he doesn't take me for granted, and he helps me with whatever I need. We are a full time team in everything we do. We have been unseperable since we moved in together and have each other wraped in every aspect of eachothers lives. I know this would be an easy answer if he treated me badly, cheated etc, but he has never been anything but the wonderful man I fell in love with...I guess thats why I have this pondering question... Thank you for all your thoughts as I need some outside perspectives....

 

This issue comes up a lot and I don't think it's that complicated. Do you want the guy more than you want to be married or do you want to be married more than you want the guy? In other words, find out what you want more, the guy, or marriage. Pick one and follow your choice accordingly.

 

What makes it even easier is that he is NOT the only "good" man on earth and he is not the only person fit/meant for you. Just like he's not the first you have been in love with, he's doesn't have to be the last. There are many men who are will love you just as much, be kind, and treat you wonderfully AND will want to marry you. So decide if you want to go find such a guy or if you just want your boyfriend as he is, marriage or no marriage.

 

Afterall, what is the point of marriage anyway? isn't it to be able to spend your life with someone you love? What is missing in your relationship now that you're hoping marriage will provide?

[whichwayisup]

He is gunshy and doesn't feel the need to marry again. What you have with him is good? If so, then why change it? You two will be commonlaw married, which is just as legal as being his wife. You two can draw up Wills, too.

 

I think that if you pressure him too much, force him into marriage, it'll change what you two have together, and not for the better.

 

Enjoy him and what you have together as it is.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

You two will be commonlaw married, which is just as legal as being his wife.

 

Hold up there, not so! Depends on where they live (my state does NOT recognize common-law marriage), and a big huge part of it is if the couple PRESENTS themselves as married, as in introducing her as his 'wife'.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Here's a list of them:

 

http://family.findlaw.com/living-together/living-together-common-law-marriage/common-law-marriage-state-laws.html

[whichwayisup]

Hold up there, not so! Depends on where they live (my state does NOT recognize common-law marriage), and a big huge part of it is if the couple PRESENTS themselves as married, as in introducing her as his 'wife'.

 

It's different in Canada then.

 

Look if it means SO MUCH to you that he introduces you as his wife, then you need to make the choice. Accept things as they are, maybe one day he'll ask you to marry him, or leave him now so you can be someone's wife.

 

Just know, that you may not find what you have with him, with someone else, being someone else's wife may not make you happy because you won't have the man you want as your husband.

[sweetpea23]

You all make such good points. We live in Oregon, So I know common law applies here. I have come to the point am I happy being Happy and not married?, or do I want to chance losing the man that I love just to have the Official Married Title.... I love him, and I know now that I want to Stay with him even if he doesn't want to marry me. I'm myself and he loves me for me, and I'll just leave this in God's hands. If it's ment to be it will happen. Thank you all for your advice. It really made me look and think about what do i really want? and at what cost am i willing to have it? Happy Holiday's and God Bless to Everyone... Thank you so much.

[lostsoulmate]

Why would an expensive ceremony, a piece of paper and an expensive set of rings truly make that much of a difference?

 

If he treats you the way you want a man to treat you, you love him and his kids... just be happy being happy.

 

Pushing marriage seems like you are shooting yourself in the foot IMO. Plus, good things come to those who wait. Perhaps a year to two down the road he may just want you to become his new wife....

[HeyThere]

A friend’s daughter “D” lived with a guy “G” for 17+/- years. G’s daughter from a previous marriage was finishing college and now ready to move on w/ her BF. She told her dad (G) that like him, she’s going to move in with her BF. Well G was having none of that and said no. G’s daughter being caught off guard said “Dad, don’t you think that’s being hypocritical”? G responded by saying he and D were getting married in two weeks (unknown to D and just to prove a point). G and D did get married in the two week time frame. Never did hear about G’s daughter or BF.

 

I know this has little to do with your situation, but thought it was worth sharing.

 

You’ve put a lot of thought into your happiness. Good for you.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

We live in Oregon, So I know common law applies here.

 

No, it does not.