jpr Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I went to log into facebook on my girlfriends computer and it came up on her page (she had stayed logged in... i was curious so I hit inbox , i dont know why as i do trust but then i saw something It was my girlfriends birthday and she got delivered a box with a teddy and champaign and she thought it was me .... but then it turns out it wasnt me - (my delivery turned up later) - she told me it was her cousin in the states who sent it Back to facebook ... i see this message writing to some guy (an old friend who lives in the states) we live in the UK and this guy has previously been sending her messages on her wall - she calls him the most sleazy bloke ever and to be honest I have not thought much about it as she will never see this guy she is in love with me - she tells me on a daily basis but what the hell do i do - I saw this message from her to him saying wow thanks so amazing getting your present your the best and ps loved the note - Now what the hell do i do - admit that i saw her message and admit i invaded her privacy ? Its making me feel sick that she lied that it was her cousin . Am i really gonna break up with her over this? is it worth me bringing it up ... its just making me feel sick thinking about the lie !! I know why she lied - she knew my reaction would be to throw the present away etc - what she sees as an over reaction Advice?
DustySaltus Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I went to log into facebook on my girlfriends computer and it came up on her page (she had stayed logged in... i was curious so I hit inbox , i dont know why as i do trust but then i saw something It was my girlfriends birthday and she got delivered a box with a teddy and champaign and she thought it was me .... but then it turns out it wasnt me - (my delivery turned up later) - she told me it was her cousin in the states who sent it Back to facebook ... i see this message writing to some guy (an old friend who lives in the states) we live in the UK and this guy has previously been sending her messages on her wall - she calls him the most sleazy bloke ever and to be honest I have not thought much about it as she will never see this guy she is in love with me - she tells me on a daily basis but what the hell do i do - I saw this message from her to him saying wow thanks so amazing getting your present your the best and ps loved the note - Now what the hell do i do - admit that i saw her message and admit i invaded her privacy ? Its making me feel sick that she lied that it was her cousin . Am i really gonna break up with her over this? is it worth me bringing it up ... its just making me feel sick thinking about the lie !! I know why she lied - she knew my reaction would be to throw the present away etc - what she sees as an over reaction Advice? This relationship was doomed the minute you clicked on "INBOX". The trust is gone, doesn't even matter what you saw afterwards. You are in a no win situation. She's obviously lying about her feelings towards this other guy. But it doesn't matter, either way you LOSE. If you call her out on it you are seen as having trust issues OR she says that she really does have feelings for the guy OR she lies and tells you it's nothing and it hangs over the remainder of the relationship. You see what one little click can do? I think ANYTHING could be overcome if both people are willing to communicate but it doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I think you are left with no other alternative than to tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Let us know how it goes, good luck.
Author jpr Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 or I dont read into it and try and forget about it ? The message from her was innocent enough but the fact she told me it was her cousin just makes me angry , however my feelings are that she just did not tell me it because I would of made an issue out of something that she considers not to be an issue There is literally no way this bloke is a threat to me - he lives in the states , he is 0 threat maybe I am being naive , but don't you think its my issue to deal with - hmmm I don't think its worth risking it to be honest
DustySaltus Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Even if you try and forget about it, you won't. It will come out at some point. Ask yourself this? If he's not a "threat" why would she call him her "cousin"? The fact that you are posting here shows that you are pissed about it.
Author jpr Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I just know in my head and my heart the way she feels about me and my sensible side tells me its not worth it My logical self knows exactly why she didnt tell me because i would make a big issue out of it when it is something she does not think is an issue My irrational self makes me think too deeply and my inner insecurities come up hence why i post on a board like this - I would talk to my friends but they would think I am mad - this way i can discuss my thoughts therapy in a way haha if you catch my drift The guy lives thousands of miles away ... she hasnt seen hi in at least 6-7 years and even then it was just as passing friends. I have the issue here i think
DustySaltus Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 If you knew that in your head, you would of NEVER clicked on it like you did. Because it wouldn't matter if it was that particular dude or someone else, you would be secure in your feelings. I don't think you are. It doesn't matter where the guy lives, it can still be an emotional relationship. I traveled 7000 miles away to be with my ex and she went through my emails almost on a daily basis. When the trust is gone, you have a lot of work to do to build it back up. What are you going to do?
Author jpr Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I don't know - keep it under raps I feel.... or figure out a way for it to come out naturally I know her very well and I do trust her , but my own insecurity is ****ing things up ... I will update on my decision but the thing we have is way to good to risk on the back of this - she will go mental if she knew i looked at her facebook - mental .... either way i should not have snooped in her **** full stop !
New Again Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 jpr, I think Dusty Saltus gave you fantastic advice. But it sounds like you're still unsure. I'm a very direct person. I can't stand lying. I would have printed that conversation; other circumstances would have determined what I did with it. For example, I would have considered taping the printed conversation to her front door or bedroom door and been waiting for her to confront her. Or maybe I would have just left the conversation open on her computer and gotten her to open her comp in front of me and there's the conversation.... Duh, you shouldn't have snooped, but she lied, and you shouldn't let her get away with it. Unfortunately, no matter what, your trust in her is gone and you're probably never going to get that back. Sadly, I think this relationship is doomed.
meerkat stew Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 she calls him the most sleazy bloke ever and you have now learned a huge "translation" lesson when they say things like this. I disagree that you ruined the relationship by snooping. It was a very minor snoop, as she left her FB account open. Don't let that overshadow her lying, confront her directly with it, tell her she left her FB account open and you looked in her inbox. Ask her directly why she lied about where the birthday gift came from and then shut up immediately and listen very carefully for a good solid 5-10 minutes without saying anything. She will tell you everything you want to know in that 10 minutes if you pay very close attention.
temple Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Just talk to her directly about it. You don't need to angrily 'confront' her, just discuss it with her. Tell her it bothers you and see how she reacts. If she's mature then she'll be open to discuss it with you.
DustySaltus Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 This is a real Catch-22. I mean who is more at fault her or him for opening her stuff? I do think that if he confronts her on this, she will break up with him. For either the fact that she does like the guy or will be shocked at the fact thats he went through her personal account. My ex-fiance went though my emails one day when she said I left my screen "open". I thought that was funny since I had previously shut my computer OFF. Well, it turns out she was checking my emails for months...but that's a whole different story.....
Author jpr Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 So here is how I played it I did not admit that I looked at the facebook page , Well funnily enough me and my friend ( a girl) had some banter on facebook she had written back to me saying something like oooh I love you to–o however this was sarcastic but with out the other side of the conversation looks not great. So she says to me in a jokey way “ whos that huh she loves you” (joking tone) and I laugh and say that facebook is a relationship killer and show her the conversation ! Any way this was a great opportunity for me to bring it up without actually saying I know The guy who sent the gift has always ground my gears he is one of those serial commentors on pictures etc so I bring him up … she tells me that this guy has been a friend for years she barely speaks to him and he only ever sends a message at birthday etc – we then discussed jealousy and trust etc and I then APOLOGISED for showing my jealousy – I said that jealousy leads to LYING and that I always want her to be honest … She tells me about the lie and I go quiet – she said the reason she didn’t tell me was because she knew I would be mad , it means literally nothing to her and She loves me and didn’t want anything or anyone to even mess that up ! To be honest I made it hard for her to tell me things like this as I give off the impression that I would walk away from the relationship and I am not the forgiving type etc. The So thank god I didn’t admit anything – I trust her and believe everything she says!! I Just know ! Quote of the night from her " once the trust has gone its over for me " - I have learnt my lesson
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