DestroyerOfWorlds Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Any WS or BS willing to share their expereinces with this? It's been about 7 months since d-day and 5 1/2 since NC. The big problem in our relationship is sexual chemistry. My W had always been happy but I haven't. Sex with my AP was absolutley incredible and I was much more physically attracted to her than my W. My W certainly had her "pros" in other areas and we chose to stay together and work on things. Now I find that I have basically no sexual interest in my wife. If our son is away for the night I suggest board games to avoid having to have sex. My W has made efforts to improve things to try to cater to my "unmet needs" and I am aware and appreciative of them...so I'm not sure why I am feeling this way. Are there any WS who were disappointed in their sex-life, strayed from their partner then came back and found they had next to no sexual desire anymore? Or are there any BS who reconciled with their partner only to find that their partner seemed to be backing away from you sexually after telling you that sex had been the ( or one of the ) reasons they had the A? I'm trying to gauge how long these feelings tends to take before they go away.
outofthedark Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 If there is no chemistry then what feelings are you waiting to go away? It seems like you are waiting for feelings to come.. those chemistry feelings. Maybe a sex therapist? Also are you still hung up on all that chemistry you had with your AP? Do you engage in destructive behavior such as fantasy, porn, strip clubs etc? They play a major role in what you see as sexual... By the way, on the om/ow forum there is a post about sex after affairs.. its mine titled angry sex.. i'm caught in the mess of it at the moment. Good for her that she wants to please you, I just want to use my guy at the moment.. Do you love her and really want this to work? think deep inside you on that. Its okay to let go if you don't really deeply feel that you want it to work. Avoidance isnt the answer though (board games).. be open and tell her.
Author DestroyerOfWorlds Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 If there is no chemistry then what feelings are you waiting to go away? It seems like you are waiting for feelings to come.. those chemistry feelings. Maybe a sex therapist? Also are you still hung up on all that chemistry you had with your AP? Do you engage in destructive behavior such as fantasy, porn, strip clubs etc? They play a major role in what you see as sexual... By the way, on the om/ow forum there is a post about sex after affairs.. its mine titled angry sex.. i'm caught in the mess of it at the moment. Good for her that she wants to please you, I just want to use my guy at the moment.. Do you love her and really want this to work? think deep inside you on that. Its okay to let go if you don't really deeply feel that you want it to work. Avoidance isnt the answer though (board games).. be open and tell her. Actually you're right on that I guess. It's more that I'm looking for feelings to develop as opposed to go away. I can't deny that I have participated in plenty of porn related destructive behaviour. I believe there was a stand up comic that said "You know how it is...once you've seen one woman naked....you want to see them all naked". I never go to strip clubs at home but tend to do it while away on business trips. The W has always known about them though, I had never kept any of that sort of thing a secret from her. I don't mean anything offensive by quoting this but they say "crazy in the head...crazy in bed". I've never met a woman more level headed than my W. It was one of the main things that drew me to her after a 7 year relationship with a woman who I literally thought "went insane" leading to our breakup. So sex was great in my previous relationship and I have always felt unfulfilled in that sense with my W. You can see other posts on my xAP to know that "level headed" would not be a word I would use in any reference to her. She was wild though...and unfortunately that is what I like. I dated my W thinking I could get past the lack of sexual chemistry, I married her thinking I could get past it, we had a child together thinking I could get past it and we are now trying to reconcile from an affair and I am still trying to convince myself I can get past it. In my opinion, I don't have a choice. She's perfect in every other way and we have a family together...leaving for sexual dissatisfaction...especially this late in the game...just isn't right. I know that my sexual appetite is probably more wild than most so that has to be my cross to bare. Yes though, it has been hard coming down from sexual chemistry with my xAP. What I haven't been able to figure out though is if it that I am really that uninterested in my W now due to lack of attraction or if it is just a result of stress \ depression fall out from the ending of the A and trying to make things work with in my M.
outofthedark Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Going to strip clubs, letting her know is good. Though going to them is in itself destructive for you if you are trying to build chemistry with your wife. She needs to be the only outlet, the only one you see in a sexual way. You cannot turn off what is in your head, your fantasies, but you can stop "seeing and looking". Those images are very destructive to sexual health between a couple that is struggling with chemistry. What it does to your psyche and what you see as erotic, exciting, wild is what I am referring to. I cannot answer you as to whether you will ever have that chemistry, thats all in the dynamics of your relationship and what is in you. You say she is level headed. Can you talk to her, is she open to talking about sex with you and what you crave? It sounds as if she is willing to please you so part of you developing that chemistry is intimacy in sharing your needs and desires. If you want freaky sex, is she willing? Not jsut to please you but for the health of your relationship. Dont let her turn into some co-dependent woman willing to do things against what she holds moral. If she is willing, then try some freaky stuff, that you 2 wouldn't normally engage in. It may spark a fire, may not .. but if you want the relationship it is worth a try. Crazy women=crazy sex.. I had to laugh.. Im not crazy though at times I feel insane due to circumstances. (usually loss of control of a situation) I dont agree that is 100% true in all situations. You can have a freak in the bed and a lady in the streets that isn't insane. I am proof of that.
Author DestroyerOfWorlds Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Crazy women=crazy sex.. I had to laugh.. Im not crazy though at times I feel insane due to circumstances. (usually loss of control of a situation) I dont agree that is 100% true in all situations. You can have a freak in the bed and a lady in the streets that isn't insane. I am proof of that. My mom used to say something similar to me. "A man is always looking for a wh%re in the bedroom and Martha Stewart in the kitchen" My was reply was always " I don't care if she can cook. Ronald McDonald can make my supper."
Author DestroyerOfWorlds Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Going to strip clubs, letting her know is good. Though going to them is in itself destructive for you if you are trying to build chemistry with your wife. She needs to be the only outlet, the only one you see in a sexual way. You cannot turn off what is in your head, your fantasies, but you can stop "seeing and looking". Those images are very destructive to sexual health between a couple that is struggling with chemistry. What it does to your psyche and what you see as erotic, exciting, wild is what I am referring to. I cannot answer you as to whether you will ever have that chemistry, thats all in the dynamics of your relationship and what is in you. You say she is level headed. Can you talk to her, is she open to talking about sex with you and what you crave? It sounds as if she is willing to please you so part of you developing that chemistry is intimacy in sharing your needs and desires. If you want freaky sex, is she willing? Not jsut to please you but for the health of your relationship. Dont let her turn into some co-dependent woman willing to do things against what she holds moral. If she is willing, then try some freaky stuff, that you 2 wouldn't normally engage in. It may spark a fire, may not .. but if you want the relationship it is worth a try. QUOTE] I have told her many times over the years what I like and don't like. She just didn't seem to pay attention or take it seriously. I usually got what I really wanted once a year on my b-day. When I told her that it would be cool if it happened more often she said then it wouldn't be so special for me anymore. She loves massages so I pointed out to her that if I decided to only give her one massage a year on her birthday that she would be very disappointed. If she asked for them more often and I gave her that same reply then she would have been quite hurt over that...and it would be her feeling like I ignore her needs. Instead I bought her a calendar with a different cat picture on it each day one year. I told her that any day that had an orange cat on it she was entitled to a massage. So while she was guarenteed about 10 massages a month...my desire remained fulfilled once a year. I am not placing any blame on my W. I know that people just have different sexual likes or dislikes. I just felt that with her it had always been very black or white ( our MC told her that too ). Either she does or doesn't....there isn't really a gray compromise in the middle. ( of course she considered the once a year thing a compromise on her part ). I got more of what I wanted ( sexually ) in 8 months with my xAP than I did in the 8 years with my W. That has been hard coming back from...
hopeless4u Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Hey DOW's Not sure if you want my opinion but if my xMM was brave enough to post and not just read I think this is what he would say (I truly do think he's telling the truth) His W always had more of a sex drive than him, they got M because she was pregnant and he did the right thing but like you he does love his W and she is a good W and mother. He has always liked porn, nothing bad but none the less, he liked it. (don't all men?) She caught him watching porn early on in their M and went off on one....BIG TIME!! He said, like you, he'd never had sex like it when he was with me, I truly don't think that's because I'm that good but I'm up for trying things out if I'm with a man I'm comfortable with and yes we clicked! He says now (not sure if its true) even though he tries with his W he just can't get hard and makes excuses like he's not feeling well or is just to tired. She goes to bed quite early (always has) and he falls asleep downstairs until the early hours, sometimes 4/5 o'clock in the morning. I don't know if you can ever get those feelings if they weren't there in the first place, maybe if you never knew any different but once you know how good sex can be....I just don't think so. I will always want what xMM and I had and it is going to have to be a very special man to give me that. My heart goes out to you, be strong but also be happy x
Author DestroyerOfWorlds Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Thanks for your insight again Hopeless Your xMM does sound to be in a very similar situation to mine. It certainly sucks...but is a self inflcited wound to hard for me to complain too much. You are right though, you don't miss something you never had. The problem is that I did have it with my ex and we were together 7 years. Our sex life was even better at the end than it was in the beginning...so it was a hard act to follow and I always missed it when I was with my W. If the ex hadn't come first then these "unmet needs" may not have seemed so prevalent. Having found a chemistry with another ( now making my W the only woman I haven't had this chemisty with ) has made it more difficult to get excited about sex. I feel it should be her resenting me and backing away from sex yet it seems like it is working the other way around.
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