Ending affairs....has MM tried to reel you back in despite knowing you are unhappy?

[unhappylady]

Hi there

 

Have another question....just trying to work through my anger following the end of my two year affair.

 

When I ended it I told MM how painful it was for me to live this way. I told him about all the emotions I felt as an OW and how lonely I was in the relationship. Telling him was hard as I felt that that was what I had 'signed up for' being with an OW. Nevertheless I told him. He got everything from how I feel when he slept with me then rushed off home to how I felt not being able to text or ring him when I wanted. Everything.

 

I was shocked that he didn't really acknowledge any of my pain - it was more about how he desperately didn't want to lose me/loved me so much/how he couldn't live without me. Basically all about how I couldn't leave him as he loved me so much blah blah blah.

 

Has this happened to any other OW? I feel like my feelings were irrelevant, he was hurting at the prospect of losing me and that was all that mattered. His pain.

 

I will never go back. Never. I am just reflecting on the relationship and the anger part is really helping keeping me strong. I feel anger that he almost disregarded my pain when I ended it.

 

Is this normal? Do they 'hear' you or is it all about them?

 

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!

[outofthedark]

Looking back I can see clearly now how many times I was "reeled" back in. It is the game that they play, not wanting to lose you. Of course he wouldnt want to lose you and it will hurt him, especially if it is more than sex. (yours was 2 years so im sure it was more than sex). In hindsight I see now, and I wish you strength to stay firm. Dont let yourself fall into the caring understanding role of his feelings. Hang onto his "dismissal" of your feelings and find your strength there. Of course he hurts, but your hurts are more important than his and never forget that!!!

[sugarmomma]

Yes I remember those words. The only thing MM care about is what they want. As women we have to learn to put ourselves first. My XMM did the same thing and strolled on home in time for dinner. My pain didn't mean

***** to him. Because he knew as well as I did that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR STOPPING MY OWN PAIN (NOT HIM). It was like he was saying "when YOU get tired of hurting you will let me go".

 

I think God that I finally got the courage to get out after 4 months of pain. Its all drama!!

 

Never will I allow myself to be treated with such disregard and disrespect.

 

They are narcissistic bastards and don't care who they hurt in life. One day we might wake up and see them for who they really are. I wish a MM would approach me now I will tell him off in such a way as to make him never want to cheat again.

[whichwayisup]

You stay strong and don't ever let him reel you back in.

 

Never forget it's ALL ABOUT HIM. His needs, his feelings, how much he misses you, wants you, loves you..But where is the genuine care and respect for you? Doing what's best for you and not just for him?

[tami-chan]

I was shocked that he didn't really acknowledge any of my pain - it was more about how he desperately didn't want to lose me/loved me so much/how he couldn't live without me. Basically all about how I couldn't leave him as he loved me so much blah blah blah.

 

Well, he was being selfish, of course. My xOM who is divorced and single-is very upset and said all of the above. He was in town this weekend and I refused to see him and he went on a tirade about basically how I could give him up, and how he does not understand why I won't marry him when my divorce is final, etc.etc.. Stay strong...your xMM is absolutely just thinking about himself-he is also in denial. Give him time to get over you but be firm and stay on track. Good luck.

[blinded]

Hi there

 

Have another question....just trying to work through my anger following the end of my two year affair.

 

When I ended it I told MM how painful it was for me to live this way. I told him about all the emotions I felt as an OW and how lonely I was in the relationship. Telling him was hard as I felt that that was what I had 'signed up for' being with an OW. Nevertheless I told him. He got everything from how I feel when he slept with me then rushed off home to how I felt not being able to text or ring him when I wanted. Everything.

 

I was shocked that he didn't really acknowledge any of my pain - it was more about how he desperately didn't want to lose me/loved me so much/how he couldn't live without me. Basically all about how I couldn't leave him as he loved me so much blah blah blah.

 

Has this happened to any other OW? I feel like my feelings were irrelevant, he was hurting at the prospect of losing me and that was all that mattered. His pain.

 

I will never go back. Never. I am just reflecting on the relationship and the anger part is really helping keeping me strong. I feel anger that he almost disregarded my pain when I ended it.

 

Is this normal? Do they 'hear' you or is it all about them?

 

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!

 

I am going through the same thing. I couldn't handle being hurt anymore- we both knew it. He couldn't say sorry because he knew it was just words. It was like a wild elephant going crazy in the room and he we tried acting like nothing was wrong. On our last convo, all I heard him talk about was his pain. When I brought up mine, he was silent.

 

Hold on to your anger, because at least he told you those things like how he couldn't live without you (even if it was gas lighting). Imagine not hearing those words before he left...Welcome to my world of anger and hurt.

 

In the end, you're right. It's all about them.

[Fallen Angel]

I had a different experience and at the time I looked at it wrong. There were several times during the affair that I would threaten to walk away and I eventually did because it was so painful and when he didn't try to stop me , I doubted that he really loved me. I would think to myself, how could he just let me go that easily. Now I see it for what it really was. He knew that the relationship was hurting me very badly and he did not want to see me in that much pain, so he would have rather seen me go than to continue to hurt me.

 

When you really love someone, you don't want to keep them around for selfish reasons and sometimes that means letting them go. You don't toy with their emotions or string them along, loving someone means you let them walk away from the pain with as much dignity as possible. He and I are together now, but I don't think we would be if he hadn't let me go or tried to hang on to me. He loved me enough to want me to be happy, with him or without him. I have a lot more respect for him and he has more respect for me, because he let me walk and because I did walk. Hope that makes some sense.

 

My MM has done this with me too, but then he or I break NC quickly. I wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I felt.. (I posted it here awhile back I think) .. he at first was overwhelmed and didn't really respond to the things I wrote, but in time we sat down and talked about it.. it wasn't pretty, but in the end he said that if I felt all those things, he would let me go and just love me from afar, knowing that I was happy was all he needed.

 

Of course our 'break' didn't last long, our attempt at 'friendship' was almost comical.. still talking about anything and everything, just not saying those words. The fact of the matter though, is that I am not ready to move away from this relationship yet.

 

But, I have opened up to the possibility of there being someone else in my life besides him, and for me that is a huge step. A friend of mine and I had a bet going about giving and recieving phone numbers to/from single men who we might be interested in dating. But she went back to her xH/BF *it is so on and off again it is more comical than me and MM* and so now I have to find a new 'flirting' buddy to make bets with (but she owes me a child free night!! as I traded numbers with two available men)

 

MM is none too pleased about me reentering the dating world, but I have to do what I have to do until/unless his situation changes, and he has to learn to accept that or change his circumstance. (And BECAUSE he loves me, he knows and accepts this and will let me go when I am ready to go)

[Angel1111]

You're smart to stay away from him and to let yourself get angry. xMM and I went back and forth for 5 yrs - I would break up with him, then he would reel me back in a few months later, and then it would start all over again. He knew that I hated being the OW, and that I hated the deceit. Yet, as the saying goes, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. He hated the deceit, too, and he had a lot of guilt over our affair. But when you love someone, it feels like such a gift and it's very hard to let go of - despite everything.

 

The truth is, I didn't have to get reeled back in. And he always told me that if I wanted to be with someone else, then he would respect that. But he also said that he'd be jealous as hell. And by not trying to control me, he actually got my guard down. But regardless of why he reeled me back in and why I went back, it's not to say that he was necessarily being selfish. He wanted me back and I wanted to go back. It was really more about me not respecting myself. But once I decided that I deserved a better relationship, I no longer went back. Children test their parents constantly - not because they don't love them but because they're trying to see where the boundaries are; what they can and cannot get away with. Your xMM is doing the same thing.

[MizzBlue72]

I know exactly how you feel.

Yes - MM tried reeling me back in. He finally realized the pain I am going through. He is too.

We have tried SO many times to go NC ... and it never works.

 

I know that each day my heart still loves him. Funny thing is, no matter what he does, where he is, or what he says, I probably always will love him.

[unhappylady]

My XMM reacted crazily when I ended it. He had to leave work as couldn't function there (he is never off work so I was shocked), he bombarded me with begging pleading emails, rang me at work, left me voicemals - all saying he wouldn't make it more difficult for me (!!) but he couldn't lose me. I eventually rang him and he STILL dismissed my pain and just kept saying he couldn't lose me, he loved me. He begged me to carry on. He was crying. It was awful. I felt such a bi*ch but my decision was made and as much as it hurt me hearing him hurt I didn't go back. I remember saying 'I want to be happy, this relationship is killing me, I can't live like this' and he just said 'I want to be happy too and I need you with me'. That's when the anger kicked in which has kept me from going back. I do believe he loved me but didn't respect or care for me enough to respect my decision to end my pain.

 

I felt so cruel though and I still don't think he understands how I could walk away.

[heartbroken1109]

I know exactly how you feel.

Yes - MM tried reeling me back in. He finally realized the pain I am going through. He is too.

We have tried SO many times to go NC ... and it never works.

 

I know that each day my heart still loves him. Funny thing is, no matter what he does, where he is, or what he says, I probably always will love him.

 

I feel exactly the same way...Even though he has chosen to remain married, I will always have an incredible love for him. NC has never worked for us, but I'm reaching a breaking point. I can't be the OW much longer. It isn't fair to his wife or myself.