Fallen Angel Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 in reality - if they still work together, then there's no reason to believe that WS is making the M and NC a top priority for the recovery of the M. if he's willing to do anything to save the M he would leave the job. until he does, it just seems unrealistic that he would even be willing to try. a lot of times it looks like he prefers to keep the job over the marriage - but to the BS it looks like he prefers to keep the contact with the OW. there's no real way for the WS to know the true answer - and the not knowing can surely be detrimental. is the money for a job worth the sacrifice for the M? I don't think that is how they (MM) see it. They see their own worth to the world and to their W as being related to the job they do. A man often feels he is only as good as the amount of money he earns, and therefor, giving up the job is tantamount to giving up his manhood. I think a lot of men who feel that they have let down the SO in their life, often OVER compensate by working even MORE than usual. Simply because they equate their finicial earning power to their 'worthiness'. It all stems from way, way back... (like was stated in another thread over in infidelity) to when women looked for the best 'hunter/gatherer' so as to assure that her family would be successful in thriving into the next generation. Today we do not hunt for food and shelter, but we must earn the money needed to afford those privledges. He is just out hunting and gathering to prove to the W that he can and will take good care of her, showing that he is 'worthy'.
HarmonyHope Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 he has told me that hes miserable. more miserable than ever before. but hes hurt her, she wants to try and so he feels obligated to make it better for her and do what she asks. hes hurt her so much that he is willing to do whatever she wants. if she wants to try he will try. so he goes to MC. still keeping up the lies as she does not know the truth. he tells me hes frustrated with her, that hes tired of dealing with it. and that he still loves me. that hes confused and counts the seconds until he sees me. Obviously he is NOT willing to do whatever she wants and genuinely make it better. (He's not sticking to the NC). He's just going thru the motions superficially. And I think you're right. I think he is doing her a real disservice by continuing to lie and hide where his heart is at with regards to the marriage. Very very sad for her. I can see why you wouldn't want to be with someone like this.
Author foreal Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Thank you ladies! I truly appreciate your feedback. We've been apart for a few days now- I am so glad we did separate. I totally agree that it must be hard to end an A if you are in love.... but I question what kind of love it can be when it is born of deceit and betrayal? When it flourishes in secrecy, lies and stolen moments? When the person you fall for is a drug addict, who hides this fact from you the entire time? If you are so close to them, so in tune, would you not know they are a junkie? H says now that he knows, he remembers there were many signs she was using but he did not figure it out (Kinda how there were signs he was having an A but I did not figure out what was up)....she explained it all away: allergies, too much coffee today, blah blah blah.....but perhaps when you are in love you just go into denial, like I did. But again, is it the drug addict you fell in love with THEE REAL PERSON? If she was not on drugs, I wonder if he'd feel the same..or if she'd told him, would he still feel the same? I sure dont know
hopeless4u Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 You did not babble, that was a great post. Thank you so much. It is my H who believes (or so he tells me:rolleyes:) that nobody at work knows..i told him he was either fooling himself or trying to fool me....I was in the workforce 20 years...everybody friggin knows!! Thanks for that Foreal:) When I wrote the post you are talking about I had no Idea what today was going to bring.....xMM's W rang me, she has found out and the **** has well and truly hit the fan!! He came into work, hugged me and said he was sorry for the crap and he has taken full responsibility for the A and will keep me posted!
Author foreal Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 after reading thru all these posts, i have decided to tell my H tonite that NC is no more..please please do contact MOW..I am leaving town and plan to NC with HIM during that time...and I will tell him to do what he pleases...let me know how its going when I get back... But as far as NC, he has my blessing....go explore, find out if she is your true love etc.. but I am outta here!!!
Angel1111 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Wow! Big decision - but probably the right one.
MizzBlue72 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Wow Foreal ... good decision. Hope it works for you.
Author foreal Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Thanks for the support Angel and Mizblue!! Any tips on how I deliver this info to H tonite? What shouldn't I say?? I guess I will just tell him straight up... oy. this infidelity stuff is hard..why anyone would ever choose to be in or continue this drama is beyond me!!
freestyle Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 after reading thru all these posts, i have decided to tell my H tonite that NC is no more..please please do contact MOW..I am leaving town and plan to NC with HIM during that time...and I will tell him to do what he pleases...let me know how its going when I get back... But as far as NC, he has my blessing....go explore, find out if she is your true love etc.. but I am outta here!!! If I remember correctly, this is exactly what Phoenix Rising did with her WH. It worked to her advantage....you should ask her. *hugs*
RedDevil66 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Foreal, you are taking your power back. That's brave and healing. PLEASE continue to post your progress. We're here if/when you need us! HUG
pureinheart Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Let's say the BS busted you and MM last April. MM sends you NC letter. But you work together. My H said all summer and up to now he had NC with MOW.....but now he admitted that yep, they were in contact all along, but at work only. He said I interrupted their A..that it was waning, but had not finished. He says that in October though, it finally 'died'. I am convinced they continued to sleep togther at least once over the summer, more likley in October. He's supposedly come clean now: admitted he loves (ed?) her, told her so, admitted they did not use condoms and on and on.....but he is sticking to the 'I did not sleep with her after you found out" but admits they stil ltalked at work and he's been pining for her. So, as an OW, dont you too find this bullshyt? It just 'died'? Do Affairs just die? Around Thanksgiving I told her H, so my H imm. contacts her...I thought it died??!! Apparently not. Just looking for insights etc..I told my H I dont believe him. He said at this point why would he keep lieing he's told me all the gory details (the ILYs, no condoms, still pining for her etc) why would he keep lieing now? I said b/c you found out she has herpes and you are horrified you slept with her again so recently...... he said he can see why I'd think that but NO WAY he did not after April. Thoughts ladies?? and many thanks for any you have to share.... I will always have a difficult time with the word LOVE being used in the case of an affair....I hope that I can communicate this properly without offending anyone. Cheating is not love. Love is not based on a lie, or a series of lies....love is about commitment, loyalty and trust. The cheater breaks all of this when he/she has an affair....personally until this cheater figures out what love really is and can stand in these things, I think in most cases the W and OW should walk away. Cheating is a very selfish thing....love is selfless...H LOVE your wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her....
Hazyhead Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I disagree, although love should be selfish, it's not always the case - not everybody loves selflessly. I think it's all relative to the degree in which you do love someone, in the case of the cheater, sometimes he loves himself more. It everybody did love selflessly, the world would be a very different place.
Author foreal Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 in the case of the cheater, sometimes he loves himself more. . I think the cheater often actually hates himself/herself more. JMO, but it seems you have to know yourself to love yourself. MM/MW who cheat often seem so lost- they live a double life and know how wrong they are, yet, they don't have the intestinal fortitude to do what is right. And they know how weak they are for this. And cheating is a perfect way to solidify the feelings of self hate.
RedDevil66 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 And cheating is a perfect way to solidify the feelings of self hate. This line explains perfectly the state of cheaters. You'll have many cheating who will deny it, but denial means they are not yet enlightened to their pain. Well said. Hope you're doing better today
OWoman Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 You'll have many cheating who will deny it, but denial means they are not yet enlightened to their pain. The ultimate cop out - if you agree with me, I win; if you don't agree with me, you're just not as enlightened as I am, and so deep in your own denial you don't recognise it, so I win (with bows on!) Heads I win, tails you lose...
heartbroken1109 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I wouldn't believe him for a second. I have been the OW for 2 years now. Initially, we worked together. When the spouses found out, we honestly tried not to communicate. I believe it is impossible if there is an EA involved.MM actually left his wife for several months and returned home about a month ago. He still contacts me constantly, and we've met twice during that time. I seriously doubt he's been honsest with her about our contact. As long as they are working together, I'd be very hesitant to trust. Quite honestly, I'd be very hesitant to trust anyway because he strayed from the relationship in the first place. I wish you the best, and if you intend to save your marriage, I'd insist on alternate employment.
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