looking for insights from OW

[foreal]

Let's say the BS busted you and MM last April. MM sends you NC letter. But you work together.

 

My H said all summer and up to now he had NC with MOW.....but now he admitted that yep, they were in contact all along, but at work only.

 

He said I interrupted their A..that it was waning, but had not finished.

 

He says that in October though, it finally 'died'.

 

I am convinced they continued to sleep togther at least once over the summer, more likley in October.

 

He's supposedly come clean now: admitted he loves (ed?) her, told her so, admitted they did not use condoms and on and on.....but he is sticking to the 'I did not sleep with her after you found out" but admits they stil ltalked at work and he's been pining for her.

 

So, as an OW, dont you too find this bullshyt?

 

It just 'died'? Do Affairs just die?

 

Around Thanksgiving I told her H, so my H imm. contacts her...I thought it died??!! Apparently not.

 

Just looking for insights etc..I told my H I dont believe him. He said at this point why would he keep lieing he's told me all the gory details (the ILYs, no condoms, still pining for her etc) why would he keep lieing now?

 

I said b/c you found out she has herpes and you are horrified you slept with her again so recently......

 

he said he can see why I'd think that but NO WAY he did not after April.

 

Thoughts ladies??

 

and many thanks for any you have to share....

[Fallen Angel]

Like I said before, at our Dday My MM and his W had it out. He admitted to her that he had fallen in love with me, said that it had never been his intention to do so, and promised that he would go NC with me. He called me that night from his bathroom at home, from his truck on the way to the store (he made up needing something so he could get out) etc etc. he called me again the next day and the next. and so on and so on....

 

Contact between us has never stopped except the time or twelve that I have told him I am done, and at best he has lasted a few hours before he would call and say he missed and loved me and asked when he could hold me in his arms.

 

There is no way for you to ever be sure of what he tells you. For you, it is time to decide if you can accept what he has admitted to, if you can trust what he is saying now, and if you feel there is hope that you can forgive him and move past this. If you can not answer yes to those questions then your M doesn't stand a shot at true recovery.

 

Until you can do those things ALL of them, then you will only be living a half life with him, something you have had for too long already.

 

I wish you well, whatever you choose, and I wish you true healing and love, regardless of if it is with him or someone else more deserving.

[Brokenlady]

Foreal, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

But you're right, he's lying. After my DM got busted, he swore to his xW that we were NC, but we continued on as if nothing happened. We talked and had sex as much as ever. Eight months later, he left her. I think she knew we were still in touch, but she really wanted to believe he wanted to reconcile. During the 8 months, he was pretty non-commital either way, wasn't really throwing both feet on either side of the fence.

 

Shortly before he moved out he told his xW that he was in love with me and that we were so compatible while she and he were not. He explained to her why he shut down emotionally with her and why he couldn't and didn't want to stay away from me.

 

His family has been behind him divorcing because they knew how badly his xW treated him (and his family), but it still took him a long time to leave. I think he thought he was making it easier on her by leaving slowly. And he had difficulty leaving behind what she represented for him in the marriage. I thought (and still do) that he wasted her time by not being completely honest about where his heart was and what his intentions were. He didn't see how his attempt to soften the blow actually made it much much harder to her to move on (because she didn't realize she was supposed to, she wanted to believe his mixed signals meant he'd come back and work on it).

 

We never used condoms, ever. But that wouldn't have come as a shock to his xW, he's was pretty openly against using them when they first started having sex.

 

Hope this answers your questions.

[RedDevil66]

I so feel your pain and was in your shoes.

Here's the thing, the querstions you're asking here, are going to be questions you are going to ask as long as your married to this person.

 

Maybe instead of worrying about him and his lies and cheating ways, worry about you and how you can leave this relationship in order to regain your self worth.

 

Living in the crazies of mistrust is cancer.

 

He admitted he was in love with her.........let him go!

[foreal]

Thank you Ladies.

 

I appreciate your feedback.

 

I am filing for D.

 

I cannot live this way anymore. he is in a major mid life crises and I can't have him take me down the road to hell anymore.

 

It just puzzles me why he STILL would lie about sleeping with her in October..I mean, what's the point at this point? I suppose there is no point. Which is the point!

 

ahhh!!

[Brokenlady]

Foreal, you're probably right that trying to apply logic to this is a pointless endeavor. I noticed on your other thread that he seemed angry at her "who cares about her?" My first thought is that he's pissed because he's now discovered that she's not going to leave her M. Seems like she gave him the burning he so richly deserved. I really hope you don't take this weasel back for your own sake.

[Lizzie60]

This is not easy.. only you know, deep inside if he's telling the truth or not.. trust your instinct.

 

You will have an extremely hard time to believe and trust him from now on... especially if they still work together.

 

I think you'd be better off single and happier.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you Ladies.

 

I appreciate your feedback.

 

I am filing for D.

 

I cannot live this way anymore. he is in a major mid life crises and I can't have him take me down the road to hell anymore.

 

It just puzzles me why he STILL would lie about sleeping with her in October..I mean, what's the point at this point? I suppose there is no point. Which is the point!

 

ahhh!!

 

I think sometimes the lying becomes second nature to them,it is a learned skill and once they really get the hang of it, they just run with it. Continuing to lie is his attempt at salvaging something with you. He doesn't want to lose you. Sadly, his not wanting to lose you doesn't mean that is because he is choosing you. (A lesson I have been slow to learn but am coming to grips with) He just wants to keep things the way they are, wife at home taking care of him, the kids, the house.... him free to keep doing whatever he wants when he wants it and you believing him when he lies. He liked it like that, he wants to keep it like that, if he is totally honest with you, then he might as well say "Okay, we are getting divorced...." as he knows that is where his honesty will definately lead. By lying, if he can convince you it is the truth, he still can hold out hope for things to get back to his version of 'normal'.

 

I applaud you for taking back your power in this situation. And I hope that you know that there are people here who will be more than willing to help you get through this.

[2sunny]

Thank you Ladies.

 

 

It just puzzles me why he STILL would lie about sleeping with her in October..I mean, what's the point at this point? I suppose there is no point. Which is the point!

 

ahhh!!

 

he lies because he can. it's habit. he's afraid for you to know the whole truth. those are just some reasons. others are: he still has things to cover up, he's had no consequences, there is no motivation for him to change anything.

 

stay involved if you always want to wonder, leave it behind you if want to move forward.

[2sunny]

he lies because he can. it's habit. he's afraid for you to know the whole truth. those are just some reasons. others are: he still has things to cover up, he's had no consequences, there is no motivation for him to change anything.

 

stay involved if you always want to wonder, leave it behind you if want to move forward.

 

oops, i'm not the OW... i was the BS. i have had many close male friends who do show me what the cheating side looks like from every angle though.

[foreal]

Foreal, you're probably right that trying to apply logic to this is a pointless endeavor. I noticed on your other thread that he seemed angry at her "who cares about her?" My first thought is that he's pissed because he's now discovered that she's not going to leave her M. Seems like she gave him the burning he so richly deserved. I really hope you don't take this weasel back for your own sake.

 

MOW is not staying M. Her H has already begun motions for D. She is no longer in their home, has her own place. So she is available, and so is my H.

 

 

But I am sure she is no longer with her H. She has cheated on him several times and this was the last straw- they have no kids.....

 

anyway- Maybe my H can go live with her?!

 

B/c he sure as hell is not coming back here.

 

thanks again ladies..I really appreciate your advise and support.

 

Oh, and use condoms!! For your own safety!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Im sorry that you are going through this. From the (x)OW perspective Im not surprised at all that he kept the lies up behind your back. I have been NC with my xMM (as initiated by a letter from them, but kept going by me). He has repeatedly talked to me at work and still does. Yes, our normal means of communication have ceased and we havent met up with each other but he still talks to me and lies to her.

 

He tells me his feelings while telling her we dropped it immediately, never to so much as speak again. She questioned his ability to do this, but he assured her it was the truth (this is what hes told me).

 

He did have some insight on why he does what he does with the both of us. He wants to stay married, hes also in love with me. DDay came. He was forced to make a split choice and also end all contact immediately. Forced to go NC. which he made and in his mind is still making a good effort to do. But the NC didnt end his feelings. Its forcing him to be cut off from something that he now thinks about more than ever before. And at the same time hes supposed to work on the marriage and try to be 100% involved with her and try every day.

 

I think its an unrealistic thing to ask of someone. Yes, he can go NC. But if his heart is elsewhere, to demand him not to care anymore is something out of his control. As he describes it, its like torture every day. Its fighting urges every day. The harder he tries to shut out the feelings, the more they are there. And so hes struggling in making things right with his wife because theres this other relationship that he was forced to end.

 

And so eventually they fail. They want it both. Thats why they had the affair in the first place. So in my mind this strict, immediate NC is just setting them up to fail in the first place. It may be putting unrealistic expectations on someone.

 

Its the same as you. He hurt you, broke his vows, lied etc. But imagine if you were supposed to turn all of your feelings off for him the moment you found this out and never speak to him again. Even if you knew it was the right thing...it still would be difficult.

 

I hope you find peace, and I wish you luck. From an xOW who now realizes the pain shes caused, I truly am sorry for your hurt.

[foreal]

Im sorry that you are going through this. From the (x)OW perspective Im not surprised at all that he kept the lies up behind your back. I have been NC with my xMM (as initiated by a letter from them, but kept going by me). He has repeatedly talked to me at work and still does. Yes, our normal means of communication have ceased and we havent met up with each other but he still talks to me and lies to her.

 

He tells me his feelings while telling her we dropped it immediately, never to so much as speak again. She questioned his ability to do this, but he assured her it was the truth (this is what hes told me).

 

He did have some insight on why he does what he does with the both of us. He wants to stay married, hes also in love with me. DDay came. He was forced to make a split choice and also end all contact immediately. Forced to go NC. which he made and in his mind is still making a good effort to do. But the NC didnt end his feelings. Its forcing him to be cut off from something that he now thinks about more than ever before. And at the same time hes supposed to work on the marriage and try to be 100% involved with her and try every day.

 

I think its an unrealistic thing to ask of someone. Yes, he can go NC. But if his heart is elsewhere, to demand him not to care anymore is something out of his control. As he describes it, its like torture every day. Its fighting urges every day. The harder he tries to shut out the feelings, the more they are there. And so hes struggling in making things right with his wife because theres this other relationship that he was forced to end.

 

And so eventually they fail. They want it both. Thats why they had the affair in the first place. So in my mind this strict, immediate NC is just setting them up to fail in the first place. It may be putting unrealistic expectations on someone.

 

Its the same as you. He hurt you, broke his vows, lied etc. But imagine if you were supposed to turn all of your feelings off for him the moment you found this out and never speak to him again. Even if you knew it was the right thing...it still would be difficult.

 

I hope you find peace, and I wish you luck. From an xOW who now realizes the pain shes caused, I truly am sorry for your hurt.

 

thanks. I believe what you have described is exactly what is happening to my H...is is in love with her, doesn't want to hurt me, doesnt want to end his 'family' but cannot shake her from his mind and heart.

 

So for me, I must move on. maybe once I do he'll find what ever it is that he is looking for- with her, or woth someone else.

[Spark1111]

Okay, Foreal....A BS here.

 

I did not force him to do anything! But as long as there was contact between them, I kept throwing him out, telling him to go get her if that is what he wanted.

 

I stood firm. I refused to discuss "us." Initially, I felt he was still emotionally connected to her, so I didn't/wouldn't be the default choice.

 

In his confusion, he still wanted both; a happy family life, and his mistress on the side. It rang false to me, and as long as it did, I was not interested at all.

 

I could not get over the fact that if his feelings for her matched the texts I intercepted on his cell phone, what the hell was he still doing trying to get back with me???

 

And why not separate, like a big boy?

 

The deception needed to keep it thrilling for him was beyond mind-boggling and sooooooooooooo disrespectful, not only to me but to her too.

 

So, go get her bud, I've got my own life to lead.

 

He had convinced himself, and her too I am sure, that he could not leave "his family" until he had reached financial goals, had set us up, so to speak!

 

I told him to go to hell. Don't need your money, your time, your attention. We will come to some sort of amicable agreement and just move on with our lives.

 

He has to want to go NC, because he is the one that will ultimately have to enforce it! I told him she was probably a very nice woman and I hoped he was happy. I did not rage against her at all.

 

Foreal, his ball is in his court, and your ball is in your's. Take your ball and go home and start living your life, the best life you can right now.

 

You can't fix him. Only he can do that. But you can ensure he bears the consequences of any actions he may take right now.

 

Be friendly, be classy, be non-committal. I wouldn't even talk about "us." Right now, there is no "us" worth talking about, is there?

[sugarmomma]

Sounds like the only person he is in love with or concerned about is himself. I am very leery these days of people who deeply wound the people they claim to "love". What kind of love is that? Its nothing but selfishness. Poor him! He loves two women! He doesn't love anyone, he's just a cake eater.

 

When will us women wise up and leave married men alone? They can't hurt their wives if we don't engage them. We need to start having more respect for ourselves and other human beings. This is the reason adultery is one of the commandments. It causes so much hurt and pain to all parties involved, not to mention the children. If he is married when you meet him tell him to come back when he's divorced. Sorry for the rant! Just pisses me off to see people in pain.

 

Words from a fromer OW that finally realized that she deseves more than someone else's man.

[RedDevil66]

Thank you Ladies.

 

I appreciate your feedback.

 

I am filing for D.

 

I cannot live this way anymore. he is in a major mid life crises and I can't have him take me down the road to hell anymore.

 

It just puzzles me why he STILL would lie about sleeping with her in October..I mean, what's the point at this point? I suppose there is no point. Which is the point!

 

ahhh!!

 

I wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now and a hot one night with Hugh Jackman :-)

 

Listen, my ex did the same song/dance as your husband is.

They sit on the fence, why? Cause they can!

 

When I finally walked away from my ex and his "games", he came running back. I didn't take him back.

The douche he cheated on me with came to me to tell me she was in love wiht him and wanted him (She was also married, her 3rd marriage) and I told her "God help you, he's all yours, I get to be free now"

 

This was 10 yrs ago and they are now married and he lies and cheats on her.

She got what she wished for and I got to keep my sanity.

 

I think of women like Shania Twain who's H cheated on her with her best friend. She was GONE! No chances, no crazy town, no wondering, no continued loss of self worth.

 

She moved on and so should anyone who is with a cheat.

 

Stay focused, and I PROMISE you, this will get easier

[Brokenlady]

Im sorry that you are going through this. From the (x)OW perspective Im not surprised at all that he kept the lies up behind your back. I have been NC with my xMM (as initiated by a letter from them, but kept going by me). He has repeatedly talked to me at work and still does. Yes, our normal means of communication have ceased and we havent met up with each other but he still talks to me and lies to her.

 

He tells me his feelings while telling her we dropped it immediately, never to so much as speak again. She questioned his ability to do this, but he assured her it was the truth (this is what hes told me).

 

He did have some insight on why he does what he does with the both of us. He wants to stay married, hes also in love with me. DDay came. He was forced to make a split choice and also end all contact immediately. Forced to go NC. which he made and in his mind is still making a good effort to do. But the NC didnt end his feelings. Its forcing him to be cut off from something that he now thinks about more than ever before. And at the same time hes supposed to work on the marriage and try to be 100% involved with her and try every day.

 

I think its an unrealistic thing to ask of someone. Yes, he can go NC. But if his heart is elsewhere, to demand him not to care anymore is something out of his control. As he describes it, its like torture every day. Its fighting urges every day. The harder he tries to shut out the feelings, the more they are there. And so hes struggling in making things right with his wife because theres this other relationship that he was forced to end.

 

And so eventually they fail. They want it both. Thats why they had the affair in the first place. So in my mind this strict, immediate NC is just setting them up to fail in the first place. It may be putting unrealistic expectations on someone.

 

Its the same as you. He hurt you, broke his vows, lied etc. But imagine if you were supposed to turn all of your feelings off for him the moment you found this out and never speak to him again. Even if you knew it was the right thing...it still would be difficult.

 

I hope you find peace, and I wish you luck. From an xOW who now realizes the pain shes caused, I truly am sorry for your hurt.

 

This is a really good post. I've wondered how WS were able to try to shut off their emotions for the OW/OM, if indeed they had any when trying to reconcile with the BS. I suppose that if they were able to shut it off so quick, there'd be other reasons to worry.

 

A family member of mine is a WS and confessed recently and is really struggling with letting go of strong emotions for the AP. It's like my family member is trying very hard to find a solution that involves no pain (no loss, keeping both somehow) and it just can't happen.

[Hazyhead]

I might be misunderstanding, sorry if so, but he told you he stopped the affair in April after you found out? Maybe him lying (if that's the case) about sleeping with her after this fact is as if he wanted to show you he was behaving himself? As in 'look how good I am to you?' He sounds confused too, does he know for sure what he wants? Either way, look after you. You may never hear the truth from him. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[hopeless4u]

Let's say the BS busted you and MM last April. MM sends you NC letter. But you work together.

 

My H said all summer and up to now he had NC with MOW.....but now he admitted that yep, they were in contact all along, but at work only.

 

He said I interrupted their A..that it was waning, but had not finished.

 

He says that in October though, it finally 'died'.

 

I am convinced they continued to sleep togther at least once over the summer, more likley in October.

 

He's supposedly come clean now: admitted he loves (ed?) her, told her so, admitted they did not use condoms and on and on.....but he is sticking to the 'I did not sleep with her after you found out" but admits they stil ltalked at work and he's been pining for her.

 

So, as an OW, dont you too find this bullshyt?

 

It just 'died'? Do Affairs just die?

 

Around Thanksgiving I told her H, so my H imm. contacts her...I thought it died??!! Apparently not.

 

Just looking for insights etc..I told my H I dont believe him. He said at this point why would he keep lieing he's told me all the gory details (the ILYs, no condoms, still pining for her etc) why would he keep lieing now?

 

I said b/c you found out she has herpes and you are horrified you slept with her again so recently......

 

he said he can see why I'd think that but NO WAY he did not after April.

 

Thoughts ladies??

 

and many thanks for any you have to share....

 

Firstly I'm so sorry for the mess your H has got you in, I really am and I'm not proud to say I am a xOW.

 

I too work with my xMM, he doesn't have to work from my office (large company) but in the past when we have gone NC he has always made excuses to hold meetings here so he can 'see how I'm doing'.

 

I don't know the details but in my opinion they could not 'just end it'. The only way would be for the OW to make it quite plain that she doesn't want his attention and believe me that is so hard when you still have feelings for the MM.

 

You say in other posts that people at work didn't know about them??

Mmmmm??? Everyone where we work know about us, most think he has separated and he lets them believe that to protect my reputation:rolleyes:!

 

I don't know what to tell you or if what I have said will help but IMO if you really don't love him anymore or feel you can't get past this then walk away but if you think he is worth fighting for and you can both get past this then lay all your cards on the table and tell him exactly what he must do.

 

Sorry if I babbled:o x

[foreal]

Firstly I'm so sorry for the mess your H has got you in, I really am and I'm not proud to say I am a xOW.

 

I too work with my xMM, he doesn't have to work from my office (large company) but in the past when we have gone NC he has always made excuses to hold meetings here so he can 'see how I'm doing'.

 

I don't know the details but in my opinion they could not 'just end it'. The only way would be for the OW to make it quite plain that she doesn't want his attention and believe me that is so hard when you still have feelings for the MM.

 

You say in other posts that people at work didn't know about them??

Mmmmm??? Everyone where we work know about us, most think he has separated and he lets them believe that to protect my reputation:rolleyes:!

 

I don't know what to tell you or if what I have said will help but IMO if you really don't love him anymore or feel you can't get past this then walk away but if you think he is worth fighting for and you can both get past this then lay all your cards on the table and tell him exactly what he must do.

 

Sorry if I babbled:o x

 

You did not babble, that was a great post. Thank you so much. It is my H who believes (or so he tells me:rolleyes:) that nobody at work knows..i told him he was either fooling himself or trying to fool me....I was in the workforce 20 years...everybody friggin knows!!

[MizzBlue72]

Wow, well, I have to say this is a HARD thing to go through.

 

IF the BS contacted me and asked me NOT to contact MM - I would have to obey. I feel more guilt than anyone could imagine about the A with the MM I was seeing.

 

I love him - but I chose to let him go. He needs to focus on himself and his W, NOT me.

 

I would worry - definitely worry. If he admitted to you that he loved her - HUGE red flag.

 

A's DO could die out - if it was purely sex I would think and MM would find another willing woman. With the big L word involved?? Nothing would have kept me from MM - NOTHING. Not my guilt, my life, the hurt I caused or the pain he caused me.

 

I think you are right not trusting him right now. And GET CHECKED!!!! Get an STD screening and MAKE H get one too!!!! Damn - why in the HELL would he DO that???? Wow .....

 

Unprotected sex .. yes --feels really good, but come on. this is YOUR life .....

 

This is said from an OW POV .... if it were MY H ... I would demand this.

[Spoiled]

Im sorry that you are going through this. From the (x)OW perspective Im not surprised at all that he kept the lies up behind your back. I have been NC with my xMM (as initiated by a letter from them, but kept going by me). He has repeatedly talked to me at work and still does. Yes, our normal means of communication have ceased and we havent met up with each other but he still talks to me and lies to her.

He tells me his feelings while telling her we dropped it immediately, never to so much as speak again. She questioned his ability to do this, but he assured her it was the truth (this is what hes told me).

 

He did have some insight on why he does what he does with the both of us. He wants to stay married, hes also in love with me. DDay came. He was forced to make a split choice and also end all contact immediately. Forced to go NC. which he made and in his mind is still making a good effort to do. But the NC didnt end his feelings. Its forcing him to be cut off from something that he now thinks about more than ever before. And at the same time hes supposed to work on the marriage and try to be 100% involved with her and try every day.

 

I think its an unrealistic thing to ask of someone. Yes, he can go NC. But if his heart is elsewhere, to demand him not to care anymore is something out of his control. As he describes it, its like torture every day. Its fighting urges every day. The harder he tries to shut out the feelings, the more they are there. And so hes struggling in making things right with his wife because theres this other relationship that he was forced to end.

 

And so eventually they fail. They want it both. Thats why they had the affair in the first place. So in my mind this strict, immediate NC is just setting them up to fail in the first place. It may be putting unrealistic expectations on someone.

 

Its the same as you. He hurt you, broke his vows, lied etc. But imagine if you were supposed to turn all of your feelings off for him the moment you found this out and never speak to him again. Even if you knew it was the right thing...it still would be difficult.

 

I hope you find peace, and I wish you luck. From an xOW who now realizes the pain shes caused, I truly am sorry for your hurt.

 

Very good post. My xMM experienced 1 d-day. I told my H we were still in limited contact, d-day 2 due to fear he would find out. And was caught via phone d-day #3. And my H was dialing his number and yelling for his home number, too much drama. However contact continued a month afterward. We both struggled to cut it off completely, letting go of a year long EA and PA that was very satisfying to put forth much work to Ms that were very emotionally disconnected.

 

I was surprised at why he kept risking contact with me. We were NC for 4months and he recently contacted me again. I honestly believe he did for several reasons: he truly cares about me, he knew his W would never kick him out, he's selfish and would resume A if I agreed, and he is not in counseling or doing anything different to make his M better.

 

Foreal, I cannot imagine your pain. You have to follow your instincts and do what is best for you. Demand your respect.

[Angel1111]

xMM and I saw each other off and on for 5 yrs. There was never a d-day. We loved each other very much, and still have deep feelings for one another. If I were still willing to be in the affair, we would still be together. If your husband was in love with the OW and works with her, I don't believe it's over. These affairs typically don't die easily and, as FallenAngel said, even after d-day and break ups, they're calling again very soon. Because you H works with the OW, they have numerous opportunities to be together and to talk.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i think that NC only works if the relationship is truly over. ive been spending lots of time on the infidelity board. its seems like theres many many BS on there who post about how theyre trying their best to recover after d-day. many spend years and recently many have found out that their WS are still in contact with the AP.

 

to me, if there were true feelings of love between the AP that NC isnt a do-able option. to end a relationship before its time may be an act that the spouse is unable to accomplish.

 

our MC (and i think that most) advise that immediate, strict NC is the answer. from someone who is trying this i think it makes it all worse. you see, its not lessening the feelings. its not making me focus on my M more. its just creating this world of turmoil and frustration where i feel like we're in limbo until we give in to the urges. the NC has not made the feelings stop.

 

my H and I have actually separated. i think its for the best. not because i dont love him. i do. not because i dont want him or my marriage, i do. but because i believe in my heart that if i cannot clear my head of this other person that its unfair to keep my husband hanging on. i cannot devote 100% to him while still missing someone else. and i cannot expect him to wait around for me. at the same time i owe it to him to let him know where i stand. i realize i'll probably lose him forever. but in the end hes better off knowing the truth that i love both of them. to pretend like i didnt would still be hurting and deceiving him.

 

i would never ever want to be with my xMM as a spouse or even as a relationship. it never was a consideration. we're different ages, different places in life. i just dont want it.

 

he has told me that hes miserable. more miserable than ever before. but hes hurt her, she wants to try and so he feels obligated to make it better for her and do what she asks. hes hurt her so much that he is willing to do whatever she wants. if she wants to try he will try.

 

so he goes to MC. still keeping up the lies as she does not know the truth. he tells me hes frustrated with her, that hes tired of dealing with it. and that he still loves me. that hes confused and counts the seconds until he sees me.

 

it seems to me that hes still doing an injustice to her. she doesnt know the reason why hes not trying as hard as she would like. inside hes hurting and missing our R. in my opinion if he just told her the truth it would be more helpful to her. if he wished not to hurt her anymore he would let her make her own decision. she should know what shes up against.

 

i picture them forever being unhappy. i think he'll eventually lose strength against the NC (since he talks to me every time i see him) and go back to the A. i think she'll never get over what hes done because he hasnt been honest and to her the story doesnt make sense. she is left with countless questions and gut feelings that dont match the story he is telling her.

 

sorry for the rambling. you asked for insight...heres where my mind went with that question.

Edited December 15, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl

[2sunny]

in reality - if they still work together, then there's no reason to believe that WS is making the M and NC a top priority for the recovery of the M.

 

if he's willing to do anything to save the M he would leave the job. until he does, it just seems unrealistic that he would even be willing to try.

 

a lot of times it looks like he prefers to keep the job over the marriage - but to the BS it looks like he prefers to keep the contact with the OW. there's no real way for the WS to know the true answer - and the not knowing can surely be detrimental.

 

is the money for a job worth the sacrifice for the M?