luvstarved Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 My H and I have been having problems with sex and intimacy for some time...it goes back and forth...eventually I realized that he is terrified of it and tends to prefer masturbation despite his denials of that...it's a bit complicated, but ... in our sexless phase, I was always very fearful of an affair and jealous of other women (knowing that they and not me were in his mind when he "self-cared")...but realized over time that it was unlikely that he would have an affair because of the fear, etc (not that he is immune, but circumstances would have to be extraordinary). ANYWAY he works mostly with women. This has been a source of uneasiness for me but I have not been what I would call insanely jealous...there have been only two women over the years that raised red flags in my mind. One moved out of the dept some time ago, and the other he just kept insisting I was dead wrong about, and telling me that I was paranoid and delusional about it. What sketched me out about her was that she talked about her relationships, seemed to make excuses to be alone with him, etc... Well. This weekend he told me that recently there had been some occasions in which they were alone in his office and she started making graphic sexual comments. Things like, her BF only uses her to get BJs, how much she enjoys giving BJs, how GOOD she is at giving BJs, how she just loves to please a man that way, etc. This was not once, but several times... First, I felt vindicated. See, I told you she was sketchy!!! The reason he told me about all this is because he found out she told a lie about him behind his back to make him look bad at work and he thought that she was peeved with him for not reacting to her sideways advances. He has said that he cannot tell me about things like this because I react badly to them...he takes my fear and insecurity about these things as an accusation, even though I have never accused him of anything. The thing is, he seems to be a magnet for these toxic women at work. The first one that sketched me out had been with a guy for 12 years only to be left by him for another MAN, then the next she was with for years, then he dumped her and married someone else within a year. This new one got divorced a couple of years ago and her H remarried and just had another child. The current "BF" does sound to be just using her for sex, avoids her calls, etc. A guy at my H's work told my H that he was very handsome and did not know how to flirt, and did not even realize when he was being flirted with, and that this makes him even more attractive to single/divorced women...this does ring true with me (although clearly some flirting was happening for this guy to notice, grrr). My H is very good looking and very built, and when we are out and about, I definitely notice other women checking him out. I have also had to meet him somewhere at various times and many times when I met him there would be some woman there chatting him up flirtatiously. So, he is a target. And I do see that he is not really responding back, but it bugs me, anyway. I am glad that my H finally told me about this sex talk, because it does reassure me that he is trying to avoid infidelity...but I am royally pissed at this woman (whom I have met) and actually kind of tempted to call her and give her what-for. Not so much as direct confrontation but something where I did not identify myself but let her know that "people" knew she was saying these things. My H has also told his boss and another person about this, in case she gets really spiteful and starts accusing him. The woman is reasonably attractive, younger than me, etc...and I am sure that my H was titillated by this talk even though he denies it...and I realize that there is not much I can do about this sort of thing...but...I do wonder about the motives of these women...the common thread seems to be that they are older (even though younger than me, talking early-mid forties) women who have been rejected and can't seem to get a man to keep, despite being ostensibly attractive and successful. I mean, are they really thinking that he is going to leave his wife for them...or that they are going to find a chink in his armor...are they out to just get some casual sex...or just to soothe their multiply-rejected egos...is he a challenge to them because he doesn't flirt or respond...in some way, do they want to prove that he is just a jerk like all men...or do they maybe in some side manner want to get at me because I do "have a man"...I don't really even know if the sideways offers are "sincere" or if they just want to get him to make a move so THEY can be the rejector for a change... I told my H that I do not blame him for others' behavior, but...it just gives me the creeps to know that he is at work getting this kind of attention (God knows what I am NOT being told) and wondering how I should regard it,and how I should react to it...
HeyThere Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I wonder if your H is a closet gay. He's interested in getting himself off w/out you - talks about another man calling him handsome - talks about another women's acounting of her sexual prowess, as though she is talking to a girlfriend...
HeyThere Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 (edited) Also, what spouse would not consider their partner having an affair first, before looking at the possibility of them being gay. Sorry but, your description is so loud and clear. ---------------------------------------------------- He maybe clueless to his own issues, so don't focus on them. Work on yourself and what makes you happy. Edited December 14, 2009 by HeyThere
Author luvstarved Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Also, what spouse would not consider their partner having an affair first, before looking at the possibility of them being gay. Sorry but, your description is so loud and clear. ---------------------------------------------------- He maybe clueless to his own issues, so don't focus on them. Work on yourself and what makes you happy. I've been with him 13 years, and we did go through a sexless phase, so yes of course, I have considered that...and ruled it out. Because I am very observant and noticed what he does and does not react to, what porn he has and has not viewed, have asked subtle questions, etc. So did not see the point of bringing it up in this case. It's more like he is narcissist-leaning and terrified of intimacy...another type of guy who finds masturbation simpler and easier than taking emotional risks... The guy mentioned it because of the other woman who was coming on to my H in the past, where my H was not really picking up on it. Counselors, friends of mine, many many people have mentioned how handsome he is, honestly because he really is strikingly handsome...it's just a noticeable feature that people end up mentioning at some point or another... Despite our problems, he presents at work as a devout family man and I think these lonely, rejected women are at some level jealous and want to try to prove out that all men can be corrupted if you try hard enough. I don't know. My H has said that he does feel tempted by these advances and that is part of why he tells me about them... He has now filed a sexual harassment complaint against this woman, which I have not decided whether I agree with. Guess we'll see what happens...
Devil Inside Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 He has now filed a sexual harassment complaint against this woman, which I have not decided whether I agree with. Guess we'll see what happens... I don't think he would have done this is he was interested in her.
TheLoneSock Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 He could be on the verge of gay, or it could be another reason. This is a blunt question but, are you overweight? Or have you gained significant weight in recent months/years?
Author luvstarved Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 I'm not really getting why him objecting to this BJ talk translates into him being gay...he has serious intimacy issues and is sexually repressed, but believe me, I have had a bisexual fiance in the past, and analyzed this situation to my own satisfaction, and him being gay is not a concern...it actually sounds kind of like an insulting commentary on men in general to say that if he passes on an extramarital BJ, he must be gay...I guess if you want to argue that self-love is same gender and therefore gay, um, I suppose. But, I have over the years caught on to his "tells" and am able to figure out who he is attracted to...it's a long windy story that isn't worth repeating here...he's really just kind of sexually simple and selfish, that does not make him gay...anyway, we are not in a sexless marriage now, it is just that we are in a conflict over what constitutes a good sex life and haven't managed to resolve this yet. I think he is selfish sexually and he thinks I am too demanding...part of it with him is performance anxiety and fear that I want him to go all night, etc. which I have never asked, but...anyway, we're working on it... He is going to put a hold on the harassment thing, so I hope it will all just quietly go away... As for my weight, I am near the top of my range right now, but I fluctuate within a 20 lb range of 130-150 and am 5'8", so even though I have been in a bad-about-the-gym phase lately, he knows I will get back in shape like I always do, and at my height, am hardly a "tank", so that is not really an issue...
HeyThere Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 ...and fear that I want him to go all night, etc. which I have never asked, but...anyway, we're working on it... I’m sitting here thinking how I would respond if my W wanted to go at it all night. I’m staring at my crotch now and “ouch”! My W would be such an Amazon woman, how in the world would I ever keep up w/ her or keep it up?
Author luvstarved Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Oh I have told him that, like many comeons and affairs, it is not about his ego, but hers, and that even if she really was willing to follow through, ultimately it is some sign of how pathetic she is, or a power play, and not just about a little harmless fun. I also told him that he made a huge mistake not telling her straight away to cut the crap, and he agrees. He is not that great of a big boy, though...and tends to just get awkward, for one thing. More importantly, this woman is his SUPERIOR in an office full of backstabbing, intrigue, jockeying for position, and obvious dysfunction...so he was a little afraid too...but he used to have weekly meetings alone with her and that no longer happens, so a lot of the opportunity has disappeared... Finally, yes, this is what made him feel perhaps he should file the complaint (which he did,but does not want it officially investigated at this point)...of course, she must be mortally embarrassed and maybe feeling strangely rejected...it was him finding out that she was starting to lie about him behind his back that really scared him...hell hath no fury and all that. I would love to call her and give her a huge piece of my mind...but am not because I don't think it would help his situation any...
temple Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I totally agree with BB07. The fact is that she's being sexually manipulative and abusing her position. Your husband did the right thing to file a complaint. I guess the next step is to ensure she knows when she has crossed the line. He doesn't have to get into a big fight about it. I used to have a boss who discussed sex openly with me. I told him very calmly and respectfully that it made me feel uncomfortable and that I do not accept this sort of conversation in a working environment. He understood that and stopped, it didn't change our working relationship. So don't make a big deal of it, you and your husband should treat it as though it mattered very little. The more of a deal you make out of it the more you accept that she has power over you.
Author luvstarved Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Oh I agree too. I looked up the definition of sexual harassment and one of the things that struck me was that the attention has to be unwelcome, and I told him that by not saying anything to her about it, he failed to meet that criteria, and was implicitly consenting to it. I'm not stupid, I am sure that at first there was some excitement and curiosity on his part to hear how far she would go, but it went past that...she had been talking about her relationship with him for over a year before crossing the line, so really he should have deflected it before it got that far. He knows he made a mistake in not doing this. And yes oh yes, there is an extent to which the power play worked, we spent a good deal of OUR weekend discussing this, andhere I am still writing about it. And I have told him that my only interest in this is that the behavior stop, without further consequence (her "getting back" at him for the rejection, etc). His direct superior (it is an odd situation, with multiple people having authority over him) isn't much help. He told my H he would support him in any way, but he himself had at least one office affair there in the past, and made some unhelpful remark to my H like, maybe you should have just taken the BJ. Great. I am glad he exposed the situation to some level, without directly confronting her or attacking her at this point. He still has to work with her, and be in multiple weekly meetings with her, so if it can just fade away and revert to professional, it'd be best for everyone...but I do take it personally, and feel that she not only directly disrespected him, but me as well. She was talking to him like that with my picture on his desk right there in front of her...so I have to deal with my own anger about it.
HeyThere Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Again, my request is to lessen the issues w/ H (minimize how much time/ energy is spent on them) and think about yourself. What makes you happy, floats your boat, awesome, sweet, good… you get the picture. Tell me what you like to do, how you treat yourself, where do you go, travel wise and mentally to get to that special place.
Author luvstarved Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 The saga continues but hopefully is dying. The harassment thing died, he talked to HER boss and then she wrote H an email saying that she was sorry for overstepping boundaries, but wished he had told her at the time that she was doing it (like, she didn't know, sheesh). H and I had an argument last night, but hadn't talked about that. This morning, he made two odd remarks - one, wondering whether there were "evil forces" at work correlating her email to our having an argument...don't know whether he meant evil from me or from her...then an even odder remark about how maybe she had just trusted him - to listen to what a great BJ she gave? I said this was not about her trusting him with her woes, and he got a little indignant as though he would somehow like to believe that was true...I could be wrong about that, but I felt a little whiff of backpedal there. It is not lost on me that he did nothing to put an end to this until he got spooked by her lying about him, and that he told me nothing about it until he got scared and needed to talk about it...he did not tell me because I "had a right to know", only because he got scared... Anyway, I hope it will just die. I have no intention of bringing it up again. For all of his nasty remarks about how delusional and paranoid I am, in the end, he obviously sees and trusts my insights into other people, and if he questions in any way his ongoing relationship with her, it'll come out of him eventually.
Spooky84 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 It's sad when you see people who not only dont enjoy sex in a marriage, but use it as a source of constant needling and over analyzing every aspect of it. It's obvious that your guy is scared of death of sex and being intimate and it sounds like you hang on every word of every sexual aspect, no matter how small, of his professional and personal life. Sex is supposed to be something fun, healthy and in some cases even mind blowing and romantic....but you guys have turned it into something along the lines of murder. Yuck. I too think your guy is either gay, bi or so scared of sex that he doesnt know how to deal with adult relations in any real way and therefore in need of therapy. Good luck.
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