sarabear86 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 To make things short, I have two ex's who I am in love with. One has been an off and on relationship for the past year. We've recently starting seeing each other again (end of August) and I lost my virginity to him (he lost his to me as well) a month ago. This is someone that I get along with in every respect, our sense of humor is the same, we have the same interests, ambition level, we like doing the same things and have a very similar personality and i'm alwasy happy to be around him. We have had our problems in the past but they have worked themselves out with the help of healthy communication (though it did take awhile to have that needed talk). The 2nd ex is one that with who was my first love...he broke up with me for reasons unknown and left to study in another country for a year. I was devestated for 8 months before I met my recent boyfriend. We remained excellent friends and confided in each other over the next year. I knew we still had feelings because of the signals we were giving each other. Before summer started he confessed his love for me...and at this time i was no longer with my current boyfriend and we decided to keep in touch affectionately until he got back to the States. However...this man has a lot of personal issues and is currently in counseling. he is a very confusing person and hard to read. He rarely stays in relationships long because he gets too worried or bored or scared. All he ever does it play mind games with me and all we did was fight. but recently he made up his mind and decided he really wants to be with me. But now my trust for him is gone from all the games...even though i'm still in love with him. He told me he cant' just be friends with me and he wants more. I told him I can't give that to him right now...and now he doesnt' want to speak to me anymore. It hurts me to lose him from my life even though I have a great man i'm with right now. This 2nd ex is the one that got away...my first love...and although our personalities and interests aren't very similar and his ambition level isn't as high as mine; but the passion we have for each other is very strong. we always get drawn back to each other in the end and neither of us know why. What should I do? I feel guilty having feelings for 2 people...and I'm not sure what to do...i'm feeling very hurt because i've lost someone important to me even as a friend.
meerkat stew Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 This may sound harsh, but if you have recently lost your virginity to your current BF, yet still have emotional involvement with the 2nd ex, it doesn't seem that your claim to be in love with your current BF holds water. It's one thing to have feelings for an ex, but another to have them almost immediately after you have started sleeping with someone you have given your virginity to. You should be in a kind of honeymoon period with a current BF that you claim to love, yet are not. This doesn't mean you won't eventually find love with the current BF, but IMO you aren't there yet. You are on the verge of being extremely unfair and disrespectful to your current BF (August is not all that recently reunited btw) by continuing to be in contact with the ex if he believes you are dating exclusively. OTOH, If he is aware that you are seeing others or emotionally involved with others, namely the 2nd ex, and is fine with that, then you can proceed with both situations for awhile longer to see where things go. Is your current BF aware of the 2nd ex and that you are still in close contact? Sometimes it's easy to over romanticize a long distance ex who has re-emerged, and it seems you may be engaging in a bit of that due to thinking of him as "the one that got away" while simultaneously acknowledging your significant differences. There's a reason relationships fail, and you list several very important red flags about this 2nd ex that could preclude anything meaningful from ever developing. If you see real potential with the man you are sleeping with, the best chance of success is to not dilute your passion and emotional energy by continuing to be in contact with the 2nd ex.
Recommended Posts