Flavia Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 As I mentioned... same boat two weeks ago... you and "he" are overcompensating...wanting to assure "her" that everything is safe and she is loved as you turn up the heat on the exchanges between the two of you... and spend your spare time looking for a forum to talk about it... Thanks for the insight into BOTH of our behavior... we are not behaving very honorably, are we?... you gave me the mirror on it... you may not listen to me, but perhaps you will get your mirror on it from someone else.
eeyore1981 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I'm a little confused, as I see the original post as a valid question. My life has been full of male friends, some of them pretty close, and from time to time a guy has made overtures to be more than friends. I admit I have been pretty dense about it. It doesn't have anything to do with an ego boost, being flattered, or being interested. Most of the time if I start feeling a guy is hitting on me, my inner dialogue goes into, "Why would he be interested in you, do you think you are God's gift to men, get over yourself" mode. And I can also understand Hmmm's not being sure what to do. My best friend's live-in bf once stuck his tongue in my ear when I was in their kitchen getting a glass of tea. It really pissed me off, and I quit going around when he was home. Before that, I had a feeling he was interested, and I briefly questioned myself on if I was doing anything to encourage it, before deciding I was crazy and blowing it off. Anyway, Hmmm, it may just be you and me, but there is at least one other person out here in the world who is clueless when it comes to men and what their actions mean, lol.
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 There may be other reasons for his flirtatious behaviour than that he wants to jump into bed. Maybe he wants to make his W jealous? Maybe he enjoys your company, and it's nice for him to be able to be friends with his BF's W innocently? Maybe he knows things about his W or your H that make him want to do this? I also think that once you talk to him in secret, there is a lot more chance of it developing into an EA, so that would not be the way forward. If you talk to your H, make it light. It would be a shame to lose the friendships when there is no need - and your boundaries seem very well set so there's no danger, is there? Why not just say out loud in front of everyone 'Are you flirting with me?' in a mock shocked voice. Make HIM redraw the boundaries, but without bringing any intensity into it. EAs are all about intensity. Alternatively ask your H or BF to have a quiet word with him about the over the top flirtation. This will take the punch right out of it without spoiling the friendships. Again, watch HIM redraw the lines. I suspect an in depth chat with your BF will be helpful in resolving your confusion. Plus it shows where your loyalties lie. I hope you can resolve this with no-one getting hurt. One more thing - I think it's doubtful he just wants sex. I would think he has some emptiness he wants to fill. I feel sympathy for him.
Author hmmmmmm Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000]eeyore1981[/COLOR][/sIZE] Thank you so much for your response. I was very worried about some of the responses I was getting because I almost thought some of them actually thought I was to blame or that I was already a "wayward wife". I just wanted to say I really appreciate that you understand the point I was trying to make.
Author hmmmmmm Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 COBALT-It isn't about giving men credit, it is really about the fact that some men really do confuse us. Sex? Good conversation because things are lacking in their marriage? How does a woman know especially if they aren't "looking" for it. Hense why I started this thread. lol I still don't know what the deal is with my situation. Saw the couple lastnight and after reading this thread, tried to see it for what it really is meant to be and you know what? STILL CONFUSED!!!!! He is adoring towards his wife, however he is always trying to make me laugh but hey, don't guys just like to be the centre of attention? AHHHHHHHHHH lol Really don't know and don't know how to go because either way if I don't do something about it and stop it, if it is what it seems to be then there will be trouble. However, if I make the assumption that it is something and it isn't, I will look like the fool won't I? And then others will assume I was looking for it and wanting it. So after all this, still not sure where I am at. C'mon Cobalt, be very specific here....pin point some warning signals for us. Cause guys really can just be liking the centre of attention right?
norajane Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Does all this flirtation happen solely in front of his wife and your husband? If so, he's a flirt, he's a guy who likes to be the center of attention, he likes to be admired and make people laugh. He's indulging in that in what he sees as a harmless setting where everyone knows he's just being the life of the party. Does he try to get you alone in the kitchen, or in some way separate you from the group? If so, then he's flirting with intent and you need to shut it down. Do not be alone with him, do not give him any openings, step away from him if he's standing too close, ask your H to help you in the kitchen. Like others here, I think you're giving this too much thought. If you're so close to your H as you say you are, and if you really, truly aren't somewhat crushing on this guy, you would have mentioned it to your H long before coming to an advice forum. It would be very easy to do - "sweetheart, did you think Joe's flirting was over the top tonight? I started to wonder if he meant it!" You came here to get a read on it first because you are enjoying the flirtation and don't really want to reveal that to your H. You're looking for confirmation that he's flirting with intent without having to tell your H why it's so important to you to know exactly what he's thinking. I could be wrong, but that's how I see it.
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 i think the fact that you are making such a big deal about it and thinking about it THAT much - as to watch his every move - including his eye contact with you and everyone else and for how long - shows how much you want him to be paying attention to YOU! i think if you're honest you would admit that you were hoping people would say he's interested in you... even if it were a little bit. nobody wonders and pays attention THAT much to another person if they're not infatuated with them. be honest. tell us why you're really wondering about every move this MM makes.
Author hmmmmmm Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 2SUNNY- as far as the eye contact goes. Its unnerving when there is a group of us around a table and I am singled out and the ONLY one he looks at. I am not paying attention to it as though I am looking for it. I have discussed this to some degree with my H but like I said earlier, if its nothing and I make it something, I will be the fool. If it is something and I don't do anything, then again...I am the fool. I need to be VERY sure in this sticky situation as to what it is. Like norajane said...I have always thought it were just him being the life of the party, nothing more. I am not watching every move he makes but like I said, if you were the one that in a group of 6 adults was the only one being looked at while conversation is going on, you would wonder too. And no, it is not just a glance in my direction, it is blatant staring right at me for long periods of time. NOT hard to notice. NO...I am not infatuated with him. As stated from the beginning of this thread, I really just didn't know how to take things. He is a very out there person and that makes it all the harder to read him.
nehaworld Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Keeping you fashion around the world Here
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 hmmm You do not know how to maintain proper boundries. Your H has no balls and/or does not know how to maintain proper boundries. This OM just wants one thing. Get into your pants. hike up your skirt, bend you over, have you on your knees, etc... You are an attention whore. You are on a slippery slope. looking to justify allowing OM's behavior to continue. You and your H and kids need to have NC with the OM and his family. If this means giving up other couples in this group then do so.
Author hmmmmmm Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 ROAD- re: You are an attention whore. HOW DARE YOU!!! First of all, you don't even know me. If you actually have read this thread you would know that I am not trying to continue this, but yes, there is alot at stake and I wasn't aware of what is going on. 2nd of all, don't tell me my husband has no balls or doesn't know how to set boundaries. He knows I am faithful to him so sees no reason to be concerned. Not that I really need to justify any of this to you, but we (me and my H) talked in great length about this lastnight. He is not feeling concerned but when he does, will take the proper action. Regardless of any of it. You obviously have severe issues with yourself if the only way that you can feel important is by name calling and being abusive on a discussion board. You don't know me AT ALL so therefore you have no right in placing judgement. Seems to me that you are the attention whore the way you have made yourself so noticed in this thread. Might want to think about that.
vanillabeach Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I'd say he's probably cheating on his wife on a regular basis (not with you ;-)) and he's trying to see how far he can go with you. He certainly doesn't treat her with any respect, always a bad sign... I'm guessing you love the attention (who wouldn't ) but it's probably best if you see a bit less of him. From your description he sounds like a 'taking the car seats out before I drive to work in my Porsche' type of guy...
bittersweet memories Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 (edited) You are an attention whore. You are on a slippery slope. looking to justify allowing OM's behavior to continue. Wow.. someone is very unhappy with their life. Such a BITTER person. She is here for advise and to call her an attention whore is a little extreme. You are in DEPERATE need of help. I have no doubt you've been told this..Go see a therapist.. right away "road". You poor thing.. Edited December 17, 2009 by bittersweet memories
Recommended Posts