Can't read his signals....now scared!

[hmmmmmm]

I am hoping I won't get the "it doesn't matter, you're married" bit on here, cause I am already aware of that. The reason I am asking is because I need to know if what I am interpreting as "interest" is that, or not because it is in regards to my best friends husband.

 

I have been very good friends with these people for almost 3 years now, we have same aged children etc. My husband often does "men" things with him alone as well as family outtings, so there is a mutual friendship there.

 

The problem I have is he seems to be very flirtatious and possibly even interested without coming out and saying it. A few examples are this....

-when talking in a group or telling a story, he is 90% of the time looking dead into my eyes, no matter what the subject or who is involved.

-he teases me all the time, mocks me, gets me to laugh no matter what

-he has little nicknames for me

-he will make inuendos about "sexual" issues or acts with me in front of his wife, but in the next breath say to his wife that he loves her and he would never do it. (this makes me feel like he is overcompensating)

-I hear all the time from my friend that he is cranky and not kind to her, yet when he is in our company, he is having a great time.

-he has numerous times started a story by saying "hey ??, listen to this, while patting me on the knee"

-when we happen to be alone, it feels awkward

-he will tell me I am stunning when I am feeling my worst, and when I think he is joking he says he is serious. Yet I feel that is him still joking.

-the biggest thing is that with any greeting or good bye there was always a hand shake between the guys, a kiss and hug for the girls. However, after one night where he was goofing around and tried to turn his head quick when I went to give him a kiss on the cheek, we haven't greeted each other that way again since.

 

I have heard alot of people say "many a truths, said in jest" but I am really nervous about this. He is a very "out there" personality, and I have heard him goof around with other as well, but not to this extent. I love him as a friend, but what if he wants more. I need to know or do I just shut this out of my mind. Please help cause i need to be prepared if my intuition is right?

 

Thanks everyone, I look forward to your feedback.

[whichwayisup]

You know what's what and you know what is going on. Question is, are YOU interested in him?

 

Honestly, the best thing you can do is, stop allowing him to flirt with you that way and stand up for yourself, your marriage, and for your friendship with your bestfriend. Your BF's husband should be LAST on your priority list.

 

To answer your question, he probably knows you are enjoying his flirting and attention, it makes him feel good to know that he gets a reaction out of you, and it feeds his ego.

 

How does your H feel about this? Your bestfriend? Are they comfortable with his flirting and touching you?

 

What is it that you want to happen? For it to stop or for something to kind of happen between you two?

[foreal]

your intuition is right.

 

next time he gives you the ol hand on the knee, promptly remove it and say, "That knee is mine, get your own" but not in a joking manner. say it seriously.

 

You need to establish boundaries with Mr Personality. YOUR boundaries.

 

just my opinion...

[whichwayisup]

I love him as a friend, but what if he wants more. I need to know or do I just shut this out of my mind. Please help cause i need to be prepared if my intuition is right?

 

Why do you need to be prepared? Can you just not say NO, I'm married and your wife is MY bestfriend, how DARE you put this on me!

 

This is why I ask if you are into him as well...Whether it be sexual, or ego related, maybe even too emotionally tied to him - You seem abit too worried.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like he is one of those guys who enjoys flirting, enjoys feeling as he is being pursued, and likes dancing a dangerous line with no real intention of crossing it. As for how he feels, I'm sure if he thought he could get away with it he'd probably sleep with you but I don't see anything that suggests that you are more than 'fun' and probably a naughty fantasy.

[hmmmmmm]

He is a very joking and fun person to be around and until now, no one has said anything. I think they know that because there is humor always involved, it doesn't seem like much more. It was only since a few weeks ago that I noticed more about the way he always looks at me when talking but yet he seems very content with his wife. I just don't get it...maybe I am reading more into this. I guess after thinking about it, it would be flattering even though it is tabu! I just wish I knew one way or the other what to think. I find this is even more confusing now than ever.

[Boundary Problem]

If you pursue this, it is going to end in a HUGE disaster.

 

There are spouses and children involved.

[WalkInThePark]

I am hoping I won't get the "it doesn't matter, you're married" bit on here, cause I am already aware of that. The reason I am asking is because I need to know if what I am interpreting as "interest" is that, or not because it is in regards to my best friends husband.

 

I have been very good friends with these people for almost 3 years now, we have same aged children etc. My husband often does "men" things with him alone as well as family outtings, so there is a mutual friendship there.

 

The problem I have is he seems to be very flirtatious and possibly even interested without coming out and saying it. A few examples are this....

-when talking in a group or telling a story, he is 90% of the time looking dead into my eyes, no matter what the subject or who is involved.

-he teases me all the time, mocks me, gets me to laugh no matter what

-he has little nicknames for me

-he will make inuendos about "sexual" issues or acts with me in front of his wife, but in the next breath say to his wife that he loves her and he would never do it. (this makes me feel like he is overcompensating)

-I hear all the time from my friend that he is cranky and not kind to her, yet when he is in our company, he is having a great time.

-he has numerous times started a story by saying "hey ??, listen to this, while patting me on the knee"

-when we happen to be alone, it feels awkward

-he will tell me I am stunning when I am feeling my worst, and when I think he is joking he says he is serious. Yet I feel that is him still joking.

-the biggest thing is that with any greeting or good bye there was always a hand shake between the guys, a kiss and hug for the girls. However, after one night where he was goofing around and tried to turn his head quick when I went to give him a kiss on the cheek, we haven't greeted each other that way again since.

 

I have heard alot of people say "many a truths, said in jest" but I am really nervous about this. He is a very "out there" personality, and I have heard him goof around with other as well, but not to this extent. I love him as a friend, but what if he wants more. I need to know or do I just shut this out of my mind. Please help cause i need to be prepared if my intuition is right?

 

Thanks everyone, I look forward to your feedback.

 

My first reaction when reading this is that this guy is not very respectful towards you, neither towards his wife. The inuendos about sexual issues would highly bother me, especially the fact that he does this in the presence of his wife (not respectful to her at all).

 

As someone else says, what matters is not what he wants but what YOU want. This behaviour might be somewhat intruiging but it crosses boundaries. You have to re-establish them and if it means seeing these people less, then that's how it should be.

[whichwayisup]

I just wish I knew one way or the other what to think. I find this is even more confusing now than ever.

 

You didn't answer my question.. Are YOU interested in him? Because honestly, it really shouldn't matter what he is doing or trying to do unless you are curious (whether it be ego related or something more..)

 

Start spending more time with your bestfriend and NOT her husband. And, when you all do get together, focus more on your H and flirt/hold hands with your H, don't pay ANY attention to your bf's husband.

[Boundary Problem]

You didn't answer my question.. Are YOU interested in him? Because honestly, it really shouldn't matter what he is doing or trying to do unless you are curious (whether it be ego related or something more..)

 

Start spending more time with your bestfriend and NOT her husband. And, when you all do get together, focus more on your H and flirt/hold hands with your H, don't pay ANY attention to your bf's husband.

 

 

I agree with this. You determine what your priorities are, not someone else's husband.

 

I really recommend you talk to your husband if you aren't feeling all that satisfied in your marriage. Give him a chance to focus on you. He might surprise you.

 

If your head is being turned by another man, it tells me that perhaps there is room for greater intimacy with your husband, ie not all your needs are being met and this other man has sensed that.

[whichwayisup]

If your head is being turned by another man, it tells me that perhaps there is room for greater intimacy with your husband, ie not all your needs are being met and this other man has sensed that.

 

Pay attention to this..MEN KNOW this stuff..They know how to pin point a missing need in a MW and they can swoop in to the rescue, be it knight in shining armour syndrome..

[hmmmmmm]

In regards to my husband, that is never an issue. We hold hands, kiss and I even sit on his lap when they are here. I know what I want and the answer is NO. I would never hurt my family. Ego...of course, everyone can do with an ego boost every now and again. Don't get me wrong, its nice when my husband gives me compliments, but after many years of marriage, they do lose their glitter a bit.

 

As for the flirtatious behaviour, we are all grown adults. There is always a comment being thrown around in regards to sex from everyone but not necessarily in a direct sense. I am sure everyone knows the kind of thing I mean. Not open, not vulgar...just a little adult humor. I love my best friend, but I guess that is what got me curious about this. Because if it is what I think it is, then I would have to find a way to not ruin the friendship, but still lessen it. Just disappointing because as 2 families, it really was the perfect friendship. Great fun, good laughs, same interests, same aged kids everything...hmmmmmm

[hmmmmmm]

I really appreciate all of the responses. One thing that has heavily crossed my mind is whether or not I have encouraged it. In all honesty, even though it is flattering, I really didn't think I was. My husband and I are not lacking. We are very open with each other and have a great personal life. I do know that he also has his "crushes" but according to everyone out there (not you all), men do this and its natural. He doesn't throw them in my face, but I know that they exist. He hasn't/would never pursue them. I think as one person said to me a while ago, "if it enhances what you have at home, what is the concern?" I have always looked at it that way too, if someone gives you a bit of an ego boost, then you feel better about who you are and it can reflect very well into your marriage. However, with my BF H, it made it scary. I thought that since I haven't felt that sort of thing before, it was my imagination. This is why I posted this thread. I truely was naive about this. Its a new situation for me and I do know now what to do. Do you all really think he is that serious???? Not being a guy, I always thought guys acted a bit this way all the time. Sorry you men out there :-)

[hmmmmmm]

To Cobalt directly:

 

(I'm a guy, and I can tell you exactly what's going on. He has a bigtime crush on you, and he's hoping for an affair. The two most common sources of affairs are co-workers and 'friends.')

 

Not pertaining to me directly, but trying to understand the male species Why would a guy looking for an affair be very "into" his wife by saying things about her and to her, while still being so flirtatious. Aren't most men that want an affair meant to be saying bad things about their wife to get you to feel sorry for them?

 

OR...... is it like I first thought, he will reciprocate a comment to me, by saying something to his wife, to try and overcompensate for her so it doesn't look so bad???

 

AND.......if he is being so blatant about it, then why haven't his wife or my husband said anything about it? This is what caused me the most confusion in thinking I was seeing to much into it, because I know my husband won't stand for something like this but he hasn't said anything at all about it.

[Church Bells]

I'm sorry, but by your very words and actions ... you know EXACTLY what is going on, and how to STOP it. Don't blame this on "boys being boys" ... those of us who have experienced this from the BH's point of view know better.

 

Your "friend" may have cast his line, but you TOOK the bait and ENJOYED it. NOW its time for a character check ... are you going to be the next WAYWARD WIFE or are you going to accept your responsibility in this and STOP IT RIGHT NOW???

 

You make the call!!!

[Owl]

Point blank questions for you (I'm notorious for these...):

 

1. If you get feedback here indicating that he likely is looking for an affair...what do you plan on doing about it?

 

2. If you get feedback here telling you that he's not actually looking to do anything...what do you plan on doing about it?

 

3. Have you considered the likely outcome of EITHER of these two possibilities?

[Flavia]

Your husband and his wife may have noticed, and may feel uncomfortable, but it seems like for some people, if you push the situation far enough for them to say they are angry, scared, hurt, embarrassed or don't trust you, you've pushed them far enough that you've already broken it. Some people aren't confrontational, and want to think the best of you. You are saying that you think that your friend's husband has already started treating her badly, and you suspect its because of your charms.

 

I have to thank you, because I had found myself in a similar situation in the last few weeks, and reading this makes me a lot more clear about what I was getting out of it and why I need to stop.

[whichwayisup]

In regards to my husband, that is never an issue. We hold hands, kiss and I even sit on his lap when they are here. I know what I want and the answer is NO. I would never hurt my family. Ego...of course, everyone can do with an ego boost every now and again. Don't get me wrong, its nice when my husband gives me compliments, but after many years of marriage, they do lose their glitter a bit.

 

As for the flirtatious behaviour, we are all grown adults. There is always a comment being thrown around in regards to sex from everyone but not necessarily in a direct sense. I am sure everyone knows the kind of thing I mean. Not open, not vulgar...just a little adult humor. I love my best friend, but I guess that is what got me curious about this. Because if it is what I think it is, then I would have to find a way to not ruin the friendship, but still lessen it. Just disappointing because as 2 families, it really was the perfect friendship. Great fun, good laughs, same interests, same aged kids everything...hmmmmmm

 

OFCOURSE it's nice to be looked at and desired by someone else other than your spouse..The problem here is, it's your BESTFRIEND's HUSBAND! That's a big no-no. To get an ego feed, a compliment from a stranger, or even a buddy who is a co-worker and you KNOW it means nothing except to put a smile on your face is one thing.. NOT the BF's H. Draw the line there.

 

Just don't make a big deal about it period. Don't react anymore when he flirts with you. Be subtle and trust me, eventually he'll get the hint and it won't be uncomfortable .. Unless YOU make it so. A guys ego is NOT fragile in situation like this so if you stop playing the game, he'll give up and figure why bother. Again, no big deal unless you make it one.

[hmmmmmm]

CHURCH BELLS: first of all, I have done nothing wrong. I know what to do. This was not or has not been the question at hand. I am NOT going to have an affair. Regardless of what you might think, without actually being here and seeing for yourself, it is VERY hard to say what is in jest and what is meant. I am not blaming anyone and yes even though I said it was flattering doesn't mean I have considered doing anything with this person.

You cannot tell me that you have ever in your life NOT been flattered by something. Does it mean you are going to throw your life in and ruin it for everyone...NO. It was simply asking the question because men (my husband included) can be flirtatious and because we are close (as friends) it was really hard to read! Having my BFH attracted to me is more disturbing that if it were just friendly bantering between good friends. THIS was the reason I was asking the question because I really did not know! I am not a wayward wife, have been married to the same man for many many years and have not experienced alot of the male attention to know what this was classified as.

[hmmmmmm]

OWL...Great questions. These 2 questions were the main reason I posted this thread because I wanted to know what I was dealing with. If he is interested..as alot of you are saying he is, then I am going to pull him up on it and just remind him of what is at stake here. That sort of a game is not to be played with me because regardless of what he may feel about his W/kids, I won't ruin them.

 

If he isn't and it is just being flirty as friends, then life will continue as normal. I will just now be ALOT more careful about what vibes I happen to send out so there is no chance of anything being interpreted wrongly. Either way, I will be having a chat to my husband...regardless of any of this, I am very open and honest with my husband. We have always been great with communicating. I just don't want him to loose his best friend either, BUT with that being said. If there isn't any feelings for me from BFH then this shouldn't happen!

Thanks for the thought process :-)

[hmmmmmm]

Flavia...as with what you said, yes it is a very common situation and agreed upon or not, I get the feeling that you also found it a bit confusing. This thread helped right? Exactly why I posted it. My friend said that her husband has been cranky and things but I don't know if it was because of me. They have been together a long time and this is not new behaviour for him.

 

I can't answer for my BF but I know my husband would bring it up. Not only that. If they did suspect it and were worried about it, wouldn't they both try to stop the visits because it would be adding to their concerns? They actually initialize it more than I or her husband do!?

[Owl]

Suggestion...since your intent regardless is to put a stop to the flirting and prevent the situation from going further anyway...cool things down significantly on your side FIRST.

 

Make yourself less attractive to him...stop making yourself available for emotionally charged conversation. Stop laughing at his jokes...don't avail yourself to him anymore.

 

If he asks why...tell him the truth. You didn't want to give him mixed signals...and you didn't want to give the situation a chance to grow into something that you don't want.

 

If you SUSPECT he's attracted to you...or if you're attracted to him...take PROACTIVE measures to prevent the situation from getting out of hand NOW, rather than later.

 

His "intent" remains irrelevent...and he'll never be honest about it it if he was intending something more.

 

If YOU take charge to prevent things from progressing...you KNOW you're doing the right thing.

[hmmmmmm]

OWL -Thanks for the advice. This is quite funny though, I don't purposely laugh at his jokes, he and his wife both are genuinely funny people. Its not something I ever had to really think about. We have never talked deep about anything, its really just light conversation. No emotions really involved. I can honestly say that I am not at all attracted to him, if anything like I said before, its more the fact that it is a bit flattering. But then again anyone, male or female, telling me I am attractive regardless of how its meant or what intentions are behind it, would be flattering because it isn't something said every day. Does that make sense. I don't wear makeup, I am a t-shirt and jeans kind of person, certainly not ugly, but nothing extra ordinary either. I never went out of my way to make myself noticed as though I would if I were going out with my husband somewhere. This whole thing has just really threw me. I know where I stand now. I am very appreciative of all the feedback. It is important for me that everyone here know, I am not a cheating wife, I have no intentions. I don't want to be the enemy, I really just was confused.

[hmmmmmm]

COBALT-enough said, please don't apologize. I found it inspiring to hear the words from a males perspective. You guys really aren't that hard to figure out huh? At least now I know. I can put that advice to good use to my husband. Sounds like a great meal on the table for him tonight with a little card letting him know just how much I do appreciate the person and father he is. I am very lucky!!!

[hmmmmmm]

COBALT- I meant that I am glad you won't apologize. Honesty is the best way to say anything.