MosMama1210 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Hi all- my husband and I are annulling our marriage in January...we were married on October 4th of this year. This is solely his decision, I have no say here. I don't expect to. I had an affair that coincided with the timeline of our wedding, which I can not explain. I have some serious unresolved and lost issues that I should have taken care of before getting into a serious relationship right after getting out of a mentally and physically abusive 3 year relationship. I have never felt so much remorse or regret for something in my entire life. We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter together, and both of our families are close and wonderful. I know what I've done here...I know how much pain I've caused him. I never thought I would ever be able to do this to someone, because usually I was the one always getting cheated on. I know that I've possibly thrown away our entire life away...which yes, I deserve for doing something so horrible. He's been on an emotional rollercoaster, and has been back and forth about whether or not we can stay together. First he was shocked so it was easy for him to be around me, then he was angry so he needed me gone. We were going back and forth with our daughter and both got tired of being part time parents. So he had me come back to the house, with the stipulation that I sleep in the spare room. I've been back for almost a month and have not slept in the spare room once, because he's wanted me there. Now he's come to the conclusion that he can't get over this and heal while I'm here. He said his resentment towards me is going to grow before it gets better, and if we stay together then he's going to end up hating me. I understand that, and I also know that I need to take care of my issues and become a whole person before I can expect to be whole with someone else. I know I need to be independant, something I've actually never done before. I will do those things for myself and our daughter, and I will do them for us. I will make the most of this so that I can show him and prove to him that no matter what, I will not give up on us. I know we can be stronger and closer than we ever have been if we can eventually rebuild from this. Am I doing the right thing? I just want to give him everything he needs, I did this to him and I'm going to do whatever I can do to take it away. He is my life and my family...I lost myself for whatever reason for a period of time, and I know that I will never let myself be weak enough to do that again. I will never be able to put him through this pain again...I never should have been able in the first place and I blame no one but myself. I really feel like we can be together again...and I think part of him feels that too, but I just need to prove him those things. I will do that, I know that I can. I'm so afraid of losing him, and if we end up getting back together in a few years...that this is all just a waste of time we could have been together.
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 MosMama - First of all - I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel your pain. Wow, so are you already divorced? Because usually you have to be divorced before the church will consider annulling the marriage. Only one kid? My gut feeling is that maybe you two do need some space. I usually think more space can usually widen the distance, but not in your case. You say you WILL make the changes, or you have made the changes. It will take hard work to make sure that is true and will remain true. Are you getting individual counseling? If not I suggest you find a counselor you like. All of your efforts as such will show the hubby you really want to make it work. Is the other man 100% out of your life forever? If not, that is your starting point. Is it completely over???? --> meaning you no longer long for him in your heart. If not then do not pretend it is over. You will be spinning your wheels 'til that happens. The best advice I can give you is to keep posting here. You will get varied but excellent and wonderful advice. You will soon see what I mean. Best Of Luck!!!! PEACE!
floridapad Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 mosmama You are in for a huge rollercoaster ride. I admire your position for accepting full responsibility for everything and trying to repair the damage you have caused. This will go along way for your self 5 10 years down the road, even if things don't work out. You are not defined by your mistakes but how you overcome them. It will be HARD work. I highly suggest you look up things online as to how to build trust back. It will be difficult, and tiring, but always remember you are doing this for yourself and your sense of self worth so that at least you can say you tried everything to repair the damage caused. Good luck and don't give up. Your H is looking to see just how much you love him and giving up so quickly will just prove to him that you truly don't.
norajane Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 (edited) I did this to him and I'm going to do whatever I can do to take it away. He is my life and my family...I lost myself for whatever reason for a period of time, and I know that I will never let myself be weak enough to do that again. I will never be able to put him through this pain again...I have two thoughts when I read this: 1) You can never "take it away". You should know this already since you've been cheated on yourself. So please, when you speak to your husband, don't talk about "taking it away" because that implies you don't understand the pain you've caused and think you can just erase it. You can't. Time is the only thing that will ease the sharpness of his pain. All you can do is prove yourself to be trustworthy over time and hope he can forgive you. 2) "Lost myself for whatever reason" isn't clear enough as far as your motivations go for you to be able to believably say you'll never do this again. You have to know exactly why you did it in order to be able to say you won't do it again. How do you know you won't be weak enough to "lose yourself for whatever reason" again sometime? So it's no comfort to him to hear you say you won't do it again because you can't explain why you did it this time. Work hard at understanding why you did this, and take responsibility for your actions. You may have been abused and cheated on in the past, but that's not an excuse to hurt other people. You may need some therapy to help you deal with the pain you've been through, and the pain you've caused. Edited December 14, 2009 by norajane
lkjh Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 you dont get do overs in real life, in your next marriage think about your husband and child before you bang some guy you barely know. Its too late to claim you just love your H and want to do whatever it takes
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 you dont get do overs in real life, in your next marriage think about your husband and child before you bang some guy you barely know. Its too late to claim you just love your H and want to do whatever it takes it's never too late...
lkjh Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 it's never too late... Its too late to claim that you love someone after you cheat, maybe one day but not now. Saying you love that person is about as useless as apologizing after getting caught. That person is more sorry that they got caught rather then being sorry for the act
cyabye Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 FL98, it is too late when the betrayed says it is (as in myself). I agree with ikjh 100%. It's not too late for the person to change though if they REALLY see the error of their ways and truly regret their actions. But that's the cheater's problem now. cya
Itried Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Your honesty is great!!! But unfortunately the act you did was not.... The fact you can't explain why you did it would be horrifing to hear...."You mean you just did it because? No real reason?" It would make me think you would do it again, no doubt. If there is no reason then I would think you don't care for me nor love me and you will have this "unexplained" reason again. Like the guy above, find out why...most ppl want to know why.
Rued1 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 MosMama Your story mirrors mine but I was the H and W exposed my EA. I realized what a mistake I had made and have spent & are spending many many months trying to repair severely damaged marriage. W has been on emotional rollercoaster wanting out, not wanting to work on anything, hating me, wanting me out. I have tried to be as transparent as possible in all aspects OW is completely gone in head and our lives. (Your OM must be completely gone- this is number one priority) Still this type of thing does not heal overnight but takes years to achieve some normalcy and we are still not there. We are still together but each day is still shakey I realize how much my W loves me since she is still with me after all of this. All I can recommned is if you want it to work realize that it takes two but you must resolve to not be the one to give up but to endure anything and everything you must to repair the damage that you caused created. Ask what you can do to help restore trust and safey in your H and endeavor to fulfill that be it IC MC or whatever. Listen to all of his questions and answer as honestly as you can especially the why it happened and pray with time that he forgives you. May or may not work. I'm still not sure on my end but I will not be the one to give up.
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