Angry vent

[JaggedRoad]

You told me that you need a boyfriend that you can go out with everyday, and that you wanted more. I understand your point of view, and trust me when I say that it was never the case that I didn't want the same either. You stayed home all these years to help your mom with her shop while you waited for the residency issues to clear, but remember that I was the one who went to school. I had to walk pass hundreds of people each day without you by my side.

 

Did I feel lonely? Did I want to have your hand in mine--your arm in mine? Did I want to come home to you with open arms and embrace you, and show you that I wanted you in my life? For the lack of a more meaningful answer, all I have to say is yes. And even though the answer is yes to those questions and many more, did I once leave you because I wanted more? Even when I came home at 5 AM and leave for school at 7, never did I once have the thought of leaving you.

 

It was hard for me as well. I may be a guy, but that does not mean I am invulnerable. I have my falls, perhaps too many, but I was hoping you would stand by me while I get back on my feet. Instead, you left me when it was time for you to go to school. Why could you not give me an answer that was not riddled with confusion? Did the three years we spent together mean nothing to you? You did not even have the courage to admit to some of the things you did this year. Is that why you couldn't allow yourself to continue? Are you simply afraid of being rejected by me? But have I not always accepted you and all your flaws and mistakes, and took you for who you were? And if it was my doing as well, then by all means, tell me. I want answers. I don't want to go on with the rest of my life wondering what really happened. If you truly want to part from me, then please tell me everything, admit to everything, and accuse me of everything.

 

For **** sakes, all these years you have criticized and questioned people who left their partners, but here you are as one of them. Your friend J had his girlfriend leave him after she returned from vacation in Malaysia as well. You told me that she came back different--with piercings and a distant attitude. Is it not ironic that you have become the very thing that you bemoaned over a year ago? You too came back with piercings and left me with a goddamn email. An email with reasons you admitted were excuses only to be reused again two weeks ago. Do you see why I am ****ing confused? Do you understand why I am frustrated and angered? You ****ing hypocrite.

[mickleb]

Better, JR. 'F*cking hypocrite' is a wonderfully dismissive phrase. But I still can't see much of you inside your head.

 

Can I read more about who you are soon? x

[JaggedRoad]

Um... here's an unfinished letter that I wrote a few weeks ago:

 

Yet another letter from me to you. I don’t know when I’ll stop or if I’ll ever run out of things to tell you. We have been together for a very long time. I’m only 21, so 3 years, 5 months, and 20-odd-days is roughly 1/7 of my life. And even when I get older, those years, months, and days together will still be a big factor. When I turn 30, it’ll be over 1/10 of my life, 1/20 when I turn 60, 1/30 if I ever reach the age of 90. So regardless of how many years I put on, the time I spent with you will always be a big part of who I am; who I was, and what could have been a very satisfying and loving relationship.

 

 

When you sent that email to me—when I noticed it on my homepage—I was genuinely surprised. And when I slowly read through word by word, sentence by sentence, and paragraph by paragraph, my heart simply sank. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to make a sound, but no noise came out of my mouth. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I tried to contact you, but your cell phone was off and your landline was not working. I had no way of getting to you and I could do was wait. I didn’t even know what to do. I tried to contact my friends, but my old cellphone was being dysfunctional again. I sat in front of my computer for well over 6 hours until a friend finally returned my call. She reassured me that everything would be ok and to just have faith. I didn’t even eat nor had I stepped out of my room. My mother was worried and tried her best to get me to talk, but all I could do was tell her that it’s something that I have to do on my own. It was 2AM when you finally logged on MSN. I tried my best to keep my composure and talk to you without letting my emotions run wild. I hadn’t slept for well over 18 hours, but I couldn’t sleep. I was waiting for the earliest opportunity to talk to you in hopes of discussing the matter that was at hand. I was probably fatigued and dehydrated, but I did my best to talk to you. In retrospect, I probably should have taken something to make me fall asleep, but that wasn’t an option for me at the time. You seemed so unbothered by the whole ordeal. It was as if you didn’t care at all. I asked what I could think of and you answered so casually. I was honestly shocked.

 

 

At first, I thought staying as friends was the best thing to do. But as time passed, it became more and more evident that you were only keeping me around to help you get over the situation. I was merely a last resort when you had nothing better to do with your time. I don’t know how you were able to so easily change within a matter of weeks. I know I made my mistakes, but I thought I was being a good boyfriend by letting you enjoy your time in Malaysia. I stopped behaving like a guy with too many hormones flooding my brain. I guess I was wrong and I should have been naggier and more aggressive in my attempts to communicate with you. But why does it always have to be me who makes contact? You are no less able to purchase a phone card to call me or leave a text message. It seems as if I’ve been making all the attempts at maintaining contact through the years and you’ve grown accustomed to it, so I guess it was a big surprise and an unusual situation that you were in. I guess it never occurred to you that you could have simply contacted me if you really needed to talk to me. I know about what happened in Malaysia; N told me several weeks ago. You did not have to keep that a secret from me. Remember that you were always the one who had doubts with the relationship, so you are the one who needs to come forth with whatever is plaguing your mind. I’m a fighter (more like doormat lmao), so I can take whatever nonsense you throw at me without having to resort to ultimatums or a decision to break up simply because I am stressed out.

I wanted to convince you to rethink your decision, but you didn’t even give me a chance. Before I even thought of it, you told me to not tell you that I will change, that I will do more, and that things will be better. How am I supposed to respond to that? It’s a catch 22 for me. I lose either way. Were you so set on leaving that you could not have at least given me a chance to make things right? You couldn’t even wait 4 more months to see what the relationship could be like with those 6 extra hours of being together. You could have at least discussed it with me. You could not even let me do that. You told me that you were afraid of changing your mind. Changing your mind about what? Changing your mind about taking back a rash decision that was made without my involvement? We were a couple for Christ sakes. You said we haven’t felt like a couple for a long time. And I know for a fact that this is a lie. If anything, you made decisions on your own without my involvement, so it felt like we were no longer a couple. All you had to do was involve me with your decisions a bit more. You’ve been very keen on avoiding discussions in the last 8 months. I don’t see why you had to. I have never judged you or what you thought would make me break up with you. It’s complete nonsense. I love you and I was in the relationship with you because I was able to handle whatever it was that you had trouble with. Mistakes made by you regardless of quantity or quality—barring cheating—were not going to make me leave you. I’ve endured all the crap you threw at me for years. Don’t you remember what you said to me one morning? “Honey, how come you tolerate my crap so much? Normal people would have left me by now.” That’s because I loved you and cared for you. You’re human, so I know that you will make mistakes here and there. It may upset me at times, but that’s all.

 

 

I’ve looked back at what I wrote to you two weeks ago (about my spending) and it’s clear to me now that I’ve been trying to put all the blame on myself in that letter to make sense of things. As I have said, I do have control issues. I told you that I may be a commitment phobe, but that’s just ridiculous. Would I take a year off to sort out my life and to save up for my visits if I were not committed to you? Things were moving a bit fast, or at least it seemed so to me. But it would be more accurate to say that I was putting things into perspective and I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m merely 3 semesters away from graduating and I have yet to propose to you. Things were not going according to the schedule that I had made, so I got overwhelmed with worry. Again, I guess this is an issue with control.

 

 

For my spending this year, I have to agree that I have been reckless and irresponsible. I mentioned that I tried to rationalize my spending by using anger as a motivator, but the truth is that I really did want to buy those things for myself. Yes, they were expensive and a bit of a waste, but that’s what I wanted to buy. I know that I promised you that I wouldn’t be so reckless again, but I thought it would be ok seeing as I had a decent paying job. I could have spent it on other things such as clothes, but I didn’t want to. As long as I had enough for my visits, I thought it would be okay for me to buy something that I wanted. I told you that I told myself that, “If she breaks up with me for this, then this never would have worked anyway,” and that really did happen when I made those purchases. I knew it was reckless, but it was something I wanted. And I said those things to myself because… well… I think I got sick of your attempts at leaving me over the years. It was emotionally damaging for me every time you tried to make it seem like you wanted to break up, and even more so when you did break up with me the previous two times. Those issues were never properly addressed, and you always laughed about them when you brought them up. I don’t see how it’s funny at all. It was really hard for me when I was here trying my best not to show you my emotions while you were so indifferent and distant. That’s why I really snapped this time when you broke up with me. I didn’t want to go through all that pretending again. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was ok because I wasn’t ok. I wanted you to know how I felt and I didn’t want to hide it, but it was still very difficult because you threatened to ignore me when I tried to talk to you about the situation, and you even snapped at me at times. I didn’t know what to do because you are always so confusing and hypocritical whenever these things happen. You would say one thing, and if I complied, you would secretly hold it against me. And if I opposed you or called you out, then you would snap at me or react in some negative way. It’s always a losing battle for me. Do you see why I’ve been so confused and lost since this happened?

[mickleb]

JR. You a PASSIVE commitment phobe.

 

You invested MASSIVELY in a relationship with a girl who lives across the world from you that you met (correct me if I'm wrong) once.

 

You are unable to give up a girl who you KNOW there is no chance with. Subconciously, at the very least, you knew the hurdles in this relationship were huge but you got swept up by the idea of it, not the reality of it. The type of LDR you had was not based on day in, day out, past the honeymoon, into-the-drudgery-that-life-throws-at-a-couple reality but FANTASY.

 

Youl cling on because you can cling to a fantasy. Forever, if you choose to.

 

Please understand about the difference between commiting to a full-on, face-to-face, gets-in-the-way-of-how-you-live-your-life-on-a-day-to-day-basis relationship and one that's conducted online or on the telephone. It is huge.

 

Make an effort to find out why you chose, and are hanging onto, the 'less real' one and analyse whether that's what you want to do again.

 

Read some Stephen Carter, it will help.

 

Your posts, in no way, demonstrate your efforts to know yourself. They demonstrate your efforts to remain attached to 'her', in whatever way you can.

 

Sorry to be the messenger but once I absorbed a bit of this knowledge, it helped a lot. x

[JaggedRoad]

I guess there are a couple reasons for clinging onto her for this long:

 

1) She's the first person I was able to confide in

2) We left a lot of things unfinished

[JaggedRoad]

JR. You a PASSIVE commitment phobe.

 

You invested MASSIVELY in a relationship with a girl who lives across the world from you that you met (correct me if I'm wrong) once.

 

You are unable to give up a girl who you KNOW there is no chance with. Subconciously, at the very least, you knew the hurdles in this relationship were huge but you got swept up by the idea of it, not the reality of it. The type of LDR you had was not based on day in, day out, past the honeymoon, into-the-drudgery-that-life-throws-at-a-couple reality but FANTASY.

 

Youl cling on because you can cling to a fantasy. Forever, if you choose to.

 

Please understand about the difference between commiting to a full-on, face-to-face, gets-in-the-way-of-how-you-live-your-life-on-a-day-to-day-basis relationship and one that's conducted online or on the telephone. It is huge.

 

Make an effort to find out why you chose, and are hanging onto, the 'less real' one and analyse whether that's what you want to do again.

 

Read some Stephen Carter, it will help.

 

Your posts, in no way, demonstrate your efforts to know yourself. They demonstrate your efforts to remain attached to 'her', in whatever way you can.

 

Sorry to be the messenger but once I absorbed a bit of this knowledge, it helped a lot. x

 

We were together twice (1 month in 2007 and 2 months last year).

 

I appreciate your concern, and I wholeheartedly agree that I am unable to let go because I cling onto whatever I can. What I disagree with is your remark about the relationship having no chance. I would not have gone this far with her if that were true, and I think she felt the same way too. Like you said, there were tremendous hurdles in our way such as our youth, income, education, and distance. There was a point where the idea of having the relationship did overpower my rationality, but that was probably 3 years ago. Although I have made decisions that were not carefully thought out, I can say to some degree that I have been focusing on the reality of the relationship and that itself caused a lot of stress. And if I can interject my opinion, then I would have to say that the timing of everything was just horrible.

 

You have to remember that this was my first relationship and although it was a LDR, it was very real for me. Being an ocean apart from my partner was my reality. The reality of your relationship was different from mine, but neither are any less real than the other. Until you have been in the same exact situation, you simply cannot discredit or disclaim what was real and what was not. And I do not expect anyone to completely understand my situation with what I have disclosed thus far.

 

I have to admit that there were a lot of things that were wrong--very wrong. But those things exist in any relationship--long distance or not. A lot of the problems in the relationship are a result of conflicting ideologies and levels of maturity. I think I'll leave it at this for now before I slack off on my book reviews.

[unwantedunloved]

Took me a while before i want to write things down.....coz it really hurts

Hey OP...i just want to say i have a very similar situation...except for im a girl...we are just like you...LDR..interracial(from what i guess?), and he's my first relationship first love... he cheated...and left me

It's been three months now since we broke up, we have been together for 3 years(if the first one and half year of online dating's counted)....i did a lot for this guy...our first meeting in real was while i fly to his country to see him, it's a really big thing for girl to do...coz you never know if your meeting some kind of series killer or something. And then half year after our first meeting, I fly to his country to be close to him for one year. Back then, he had a really hard-working labor job, which he needs to wake up very early in the morning and get off very late. I was a student. I was outgoing and independent and I have a lot of friends comparing to him. He gets angry easily at everything(work, family, friends or anything you can think of). I was always there to calm him down. Sometimes when i go on trip with friends he will call me just to argue with me because he's at work and im out there having fun. I took the anger and beleive that I have to love him for who he is and that I know deep inside he has the heart of gold and is willing to do anything for me.

He's like your ex, he has high moral standard on other people. Some of my friends are players, and he used to tell me which of my friends are terrible and that they shouldn't flirt with other people or shouldn't cheat. Even though I didn't like the fact that he criticize my friends, it really made me beleive he's the most faithful guy in the whole universe and that I'm lucky to have him. That year we had togather was a bless...everything was like a fairy tale. Yes we do have some fights but I thought fights are normal in the relationship.

The year passed by and I had to go back to my country. He gets into school and I got my first job in my life. We were having hard time coping with LDR again but this time it's worse. I was having a emotional problem which I can't control myself and I always feel depress and I cry everyday. I had some big fights with my family. I started to rely on him(but not way too much, we were LDR). It was always me standing there waiting to comfort him, so I thought maybe this time it's my turn to be the little girl and to be protected emotionally by him. But he cheated on my and broke up with me when I needed him the most. He had one night stand with another girl and decided he wants her instead of me.

I still remember that night I broke down and I didn't know what to think about the whole situation. It was like a bubble covering me and everything's outside of the bubble. well...

I was very nice to him, I took care of him like a mother would do to the child. I did almost everything I could to help him. I was with him through his worst time supporting him. I helped with his clothing and everythign to make him look stylish. I helped him to leave his old crappy life and get into the life he shoudl experience at his age. But then...I guess i really also turned him into something else, he's a college student and his wings are strong enough to fly, fly away from me. He used to told me a lot about future, he was clingy and needy, and he gets angry when i go out with friends or even when I have any text from any guy. I don't flirt, I never cheat, even while I had plenty of chances. He cheated, on probably the first chance he got in his life. I can see now that all the "I will love you forever, you and only you" from him is all BS now....

I really regret that i did so much for him, and regret that I didn't take my chance to go for better guys while I could. And regret that I didn't go to teh parties I really want to go because I knew he would be angry.

well there are a lot more stuffs, I will keep writing. But hey...just you are not alone...

I dont know if we will get better, becaue I have not get any better, not yet. But just know this, there are people suffering from brokenheart as well.

[JaggedRoad]

I really regret that i did so much for him, and regret that I didn't take my chance to go for better guys while I could. And regret that I didn't go to teh parties I really want to go because I knew he would be angry.

 

You gave it your all and remained faithful to him, so you shouldn't have any regrets. I hope you'll be ok once this clears.

 

My ex and I are both Chinese, so no, it wasn't an interracial relationship. It was, however, an intercultural relationship I suppose... and our upbringings have stark differences.

[mickleb]

We were together twice (1 month in 2007 and 2 months last year).

 

I appreciate your concern, and I wholeheartedly agree that I am unable to let go because I cling onto whatever I can. What I disagree with is your remark about the relationship having no chance. I would not have gone this far with her if that were true, and I think she felt the same way too. Like you said, there were tremendous hurdles in our way such as our youth, income, education, and distance. There was a point where the idea of having the relationship did overpower my rationality, but that was probably 3 years ago. Although I have made decisions that were not carefully thought out, I can say to some degree that I have been focusing on the reality of the relationship and that itself caused a lot of stress. And if I can interject my opinion, then I would have to say that the timing of everything was just horrible.

 

You have to remember that this was my first relationship and although it was a LDR, it was very real for me. Being an ocean apart from my partner was my reality. The reality of your relationship was different from mine, but neither are any less real than the other. Until you have been in the same exact situation, you simply cannot discredit or disclaim what was real and what was not. And I do not expect anyone to completely understand my situation with what I have disclosed thus far.

 

I have to admit that there were a lot of things that were wrong--very wrong. But those things exist in any relationship--long distance or not. A lot of the problems in the relationship are a result of conflicting ideologies and levels of maturity. I think I'll leave it at this for now before I slack off on my book reviews.

 

Hi JR

 

I didn't say your relationship had no chance, I said it was full of obstacles. What I did say, though, was that you cannot GIVE UP a girl with whom you, NOW, have no chance.

 

What I am glad about is that this is your first relationship. I am concerned that your penchant for choosing / hanging onto difficult relationships may continue, however.

 

This is why I think it would be good for you to read a book like 'He's Scared, She's Scared', now. It describes what I'm talking about more clearly.

 

I also don't want you to end up like I did over my first love - pining for him for four years until I met him again and realised he wasn't worthy of that kind of pedestal.

 

Yes, the first cut is the deepest and it will take you some time to heal. That's fine. But you are UNWILLING to heal because you are unwilling to let go.

 

You may continue to take the idea that no-one who has been in the exact situation as you cannot comment but then, why post here? No-one has been in you exact situation. But once you recognise that you are a commitment phobe (as I have), it's pretty easily to spot others who behave in the same way.

 

As I say, you are (certainly behaving like) a passive commitment phobe. This is your first relationship, so learn from it and don't turn the bad decisions into a habit of a lifetime.

 

Seriously: read the book then let me know if you think I've got the wrong idea. Because I hope I have. x

[JaggedRoad]

No, you have the right idea. My actions do dictate my commitment phobia as do my thoughts.

 

I have this very stubborn attitude when it comes to difficult things. I will try and try until I cannot try anymore. No, I am not insane (not entirely), but I forget that real life has its limits.

 

And I apologize about the wrong interpretation of what you meant by having no chance. It's very obvious now that I have zero chance yet I still cling on. What I do know is that even if by the minute chance she decides to come back, my feelings have already changed towards her and it's simply too late.

[mickleb]

Jagged.

 

This is SUCH as important stage to get to - well done.

 

I could say I teeter into this one, myself. Basically, for all his faults, I sometimes think 'what if he really meant what he said? what if he's just improving himself because he felt I deserved more? how romantic would it be if he was off 'improving himself' just for me?!' And I swerve into a u-turn on my healing.

 

And then, I remember, like you, that: it's too late.

 

I doubt it is as simple as I imagine, firstly. I'm sure he is an (active) CP and this was just the line he used on me to extrapolate himself from a very tricky place he'd placed himself in. Point is, it's redundant.

 

EVEN if, like it plays out in Hollywood, he was off (like Ulysee's!) 'finding himself' just so he could come back 'home' to me, self-esteem all healthily intact... he's f*cked it.

 

He has shown me he is not capable of working through our problems. He bottled on me. He has given me the clearest message he could that I'm not worth anything more. He'd rather risk me finding love with someone else than work at us, by my side.

 

And that 'even if', is such a big even if.

 

I want to apologise if I upset you or said anything too harsh. But I want SO much for you to understand you are worth so much more than this hell you are holding onto.

 

I'm not saying she is 'hell'(!) I'm saying the broken relationship is hell for you to cling to. And you know you are doing this.

 

You owe it to yourself to let her go. Your method of doing everything you can possibly think of to change her mind is, merely, self-flagellation.

 

You are at a very healthy, very brilliant stage in your healing. You must now fully grieve your loss and recover.

 

I'll be here to help you through it.

 

Lot of love. x

[JaggedRoad]

We first me around this time of the year in 2007, so it's a little hard to let go when I think back to what we shared.

 

December 20th, 2007

- Arrived at Heathrow at around 10 PM.

- Went to Tesco for the first time at around 12 AM to shop for snacks, and buy pajamas/boxers because my luggage was delayed

- Got to her mother's take-out shop at 12:30 AM and had a quick dinner

- Found myself embracing her in her room at 1 AM

- Slept at 2 AM and so began the rest of my left as I knew it

 

December 21st, 2007

- Had lunch with her at noon

- Stuff throughout the day

 

December 22nd, 2007

- Went to Milton Keynes for the first time to look at the holiday decorations, and walked around hand-in-hand

 

December 23rd, 2007

- First time on the train to London. I never saw so many sheep in my life.

- First time in London. Walked around with her and enjoyed the sights.

- Went to Covent Garden and watched the holiday shows.

- Had a little fun at the carnival games and nearly won a prize, but ended up spending $50.

- Had her birthday dinner. I went to the bathroom and found the bottle of wine somewhat emptier than I remembered. It turns out that she drank more so I wouldn't be able to get drunk.

- Had a heart-to-heart on the train ride back home.

 

December 24th-January 19th

-Amazing.

[mickleb]

I get that a) Xmas is hard, b) birthdays are hard and c) your anniversary of meeting up with her for the first time is hard.

 

BUT

 

You carry on in this kind of detail, JR and you'll invent some 'anniversary' for every day to mourn: Feb 22nd! The first time we chatted about Victoria Beckham's new haircut!

 

I'm being flippant but, hopefully, you see the point.

 

You HAVE to start reclaiming this time of year, JR. There are a lot of beautiful things to see, hear, smell, touch and taste around right now. PLEASE enjoy doing some of this. Her cheating, lame-assed attitude doesn't HAVE to deny you these pleasures, or any others. You don't HAVE to deny yourself happiness.

 

You holding onto every single memory as tightly as you are, right now, instead of pushing those thoughts away and saying (out loud, if needs be) 'I will NOT allow you to keep hurting me like this!' - no matter how hard this seems to be, or how painful this process is AT FIRST - is you DENYING yourself happiness.

 

You need to be honest with yourself, JR. Do you WANT to heal? Do you WANT to be happy? Because, if you do, you have to LET GO. The sooner you make a commitment to doing this - a commitment to yourself and not to your FINISHED relationship - you will begin to allow the scab to harden and, eventually, disappear.

 

Yes, there will always be a faint scar there. ALWAYS. But we all carry scars like this and they don't make us unattractive or unloveable to anyone else. They just show the world how brave we've been.

 

Be brave, Jagged. Let go. Step outside of this world of pain you have locked yourself into. Enjoy your holidays. Enjoy every sweet thing that comes your way and seek out those that don't. Btw, how you can find anything sweet about Milton Keynes, really, is beyond me; if you can get romantic about that place, you can get romantic about the fluff on your keyboard! SO - apply this talent you have for romanticising everything to what you've got left. (Which, when you compare it to a lot of people in this world, is a whole damned lot.)

 

Happy Christmas, JR - you deserve it. x

[JaggedRoad]

Happy Holidays =D