little_bear Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I was out at a club a little more than a month ago and a friend introduced me to one of her friends from high school. We spent most of the night dancing together but I didn't go home with him. The next day my friend sent me a message saying the guy really liked me and wanted me to have his number. We started texting and Facebooking on a regular basis and decided to meet for coffee. Since we've met, we've gone out quite a few times, have started sleeping together, he cooks me dinners (and breakfast), and we talk almost every day. When is it appropriate to ask whats going on between us - are we dating, or just having a sex relationship, and about exclusivity etc...?
torranceshipman Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I was out at a club a little more than a month ago and a friend introduced me to one of her friends from high school. We spent most of the night dancing together but I didn't go home with him. The next day my friend sent me a message saying the guy really liked me and wanted me to have his number. We started texting and Facebooking on a regular basis and decided to meet for coffee. Since we've met, we've gone out quite a few times, have started sleeping together, he cooks me dinners (and breakfast), and we talk almost every day. When is it appropriate to ask whats going on between us - are we dating, or just having a sex relationship, and about exclusivity etc...? It is appropriate the moment it occurs to you. Just ask!
WTRanger Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Why does "the talk" have to happen? Why not let things progress naturally? Would there be a reason to think that you are not exclusive already?
Author little_bear Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Last night I was out with my friends and he was out somewhere else with his friends. I called him to see if he wanted to meet up and he made this joke about how my phone call "cock blocked" him because he was talking to another girl. We made a joke about it and laughed but then he brought it up later on in the morning. I laughed at him and called him an ass jokingly and he said "yah I don't know why I don't just let it go". I think then he could tell it was annoying me so he said he was only joking and that she had asked him for a lighter and as soon as his phone rang, she walked away from him so it was actually nothing. Is that his way of letting me know he is seeing other people??
alphamale Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 When is it appropriate to ask whats going on between us - ? not after 4 weeks. once you hit the 3 month mark assuming you're still together then you can ask...
torranceshipman Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Last night I was out with my friends and he was out somewhere else with his friends. I called him to see if he wanted to meet up and he made this joke about how my phone call "cock blocked" him because he was talking to another girl. We made a joke about it and laughed but then he brought it up later on in the morning. I laughed at him and called him an ass jokingly and he said "yah I don't know why I don't just let it go". I think then he could tell it was annoying me so he said he was only joking and that she had asked him for a lighter and as soon as his phone rang, she walked away from him so it was actually nothing. Is that his way of letting me know he is seeing other people?? Ohhh I don't like that, not when you're sleeping together already. I think you should have a chat with him. Doesn't need to be heavy but it's obviously bothering you and I don't think his response was so great in the above convo. Saves you getting hurt further down the road if he never intended on this getting serious.
Island Girl Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I called him to see if he wanted to meet up and he made this joke about how my phone call "cock blocked" him because he was talking to another girl. We made a joke about it and laughed but then he brought it up later on in the morning. It certainly isn't an attempt at hiding the fact that if he ISN'T seeing other people he is completely open to it. Meaning you ARE NOT exclusive. And you are having sex with someone who will sleep with others if the opportunity presents itself. Ohhh I don't like that, not when you're sleeping together already. I think you should have a chat with him. Doesn't need to be heavy but it's obviously bothering you and I don't think his response was so great in the above convo. Saves you getting hurt further down the road if he never intended on this getting serious. Yes torrance is right. Truly this "chat" about exclusivity should have happened before sex - and there should have been a lot more getting to know each other and how you view relationships BEFORE you have sex. Hopefully lesson learned for next time. There are guys out there who will be sexually monogamous in relationships as it is how they are wired. And there are those that sex does not determine exclusivity. If you are having sex with someone you should already know where they fall in those parameters. And if you can't have a conversation about ANYTHING under the sun with your partner --- you shouldn't be having sex with them yet.
Author little_bear Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 One of my guy friends said it sounds like hes playing games and trying to make me jealous
amymarieca Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I've been down this road many times and it has never ended in a good way. If a guy leaves you wondering about his feelings for you, it is almost never a good thing. Honestly, this guy probably doesn't see you as a future girlfriend. Most likely he is just sticking around for the sex! I say have the talk. There is nothing wrong with saying what you want from a guy early on. That way you are not wasting your time!
Island Girl Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 One of my guy friends said it sounds like hes playing games and trying to make me jealous I don't think so. You guys are much too new for him to pull this trick out of the bag (it is unnecessary and game players don't make moves just to make them). But let's just say that it is -- now this guy you know little about is playing head games with you? Ooooooo such an attractive quality, right? No. This is bad news any way you cut it. And if you seriously can not have a relationship talk with him then his penis should not be inside of you. Sex is an INTIMATE act. If you are sleeping with someone and being naked with them, and having them inside of you - risking STDs and pregnancy - THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY VERY CLEARLY -- Are you sleeping with anyone else and would you at this point? And you should be able to define the parameters of your relationship and know WHAT is going on if you are regularly entertaining this man between your thighs.
CLC2008 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 From my own personal experience, I brought up the "what are we" talk once in my lifetime, and it did not turn out favorably. I can't say if I had waited, both physically and verbally, things would have turned out differently then they did because no one knows for sure. My last bf, there was never any discussion about exclusivity, it was assumed, but we had been dating for 3 months or so and spending a lot of time together before we entered into the no-pants fly zone. Then again, that was 10 years ago, and dating was much different then it is today. I get that you "should" have this talk, BEFORE sleeping with someone, but I really think each situation is different depending on the two people involved.
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