My next move should be..?

[Charlemagne]

Hi guys!

 

I posted here some time ago about my problems with this engaged girl who I was chasing.

 

Now I realized that the love is gone. I love her, but I'm 100% sure that she doesn't deserve it. It was too much for me to bear. Her games are not effective on me anymore. Now I have the courage to stop making an idiot out of myself.

 

Right.. But here is my idea. Till I find someone who could substitute her I'm gonna meet her, have fun with her, be someone in her life but on my conditions.

 

I need your help one more time. What are your ideas on handling the situation without going NC. I would like to lead my personal life which will be separated from her, but what to do to not get into her games. How to be strong? Like I've said, I still love her.. Need some change in my life, but don't want to go NC.

 

Any help will be appreciated.

Charle

[torranceshipman]

I think you are completely mad and trying to intellectualize yourself into an excuse to carry on being with her. You already know she doesn't deserve your affections and on top of that, she is engaged. NC all the way.

[edward-e]

^^agreed....why would u wanna continue this if shes engaged to another guy...AND you already know she doesnt deserve it.

[Charlemagne]

I can't progress as sharply as you suggest. I still need her while I would be doing something with my life. I would like to distance her gradually to finally cut off her completely from my life. Why this is a bad idea?

[You'reasian]

I can't progress as sharply as you suggest. I still need her while I would be doing something with my life. I would like to distance her gradually to finally cut off her completely from my life. Why this is a bad idea?

 

Friendship is fine. Being involved in a strange triangle leads to nothing but drama.

[boogieboy]

I can't progress as sharply as you suggest. I still need her while I would be doing something with my life. I would like to distance her gradually to finally cut off her completely from my life. Why this is a bad idea?

 

Because it doesnt work. You have to cut her coldturkey. If you dont have the confidence to not fall for her games, then you wont be able to ever sever this connection that you want to keep, yet want to sever. You cant hang with someone you still have feelings for. Once you realize how foolish it is to keep a connection to an engaged woman, and are willing to deal with the pain of cutting her off completely, then you will be able to shake her. The only way to get over her without pain is to be annoyed at things she says or does that would make you want to not be around her anymore, but thats not going to happen.

[Charlemagne]

As you can see I'm not confident enough for such a decision. Because of her my self-esteem has dropped significantly. Deep inside I know that I'm very valuable person, but I can't exemplify it. Becuase of her I sometimes feel like ****, like someone who doesn't deserve true love, who is too weak to be loved by another person.. This is sick.

 

I need some support to go through this, but I don't know exactly what kind of support. Maybe I should visit a therapist? What do you think?

[boogieboy]

As you can see I'm not confident enough for such a decision. Because of her my self-esteem has dropped significantly. Deep inside I know that I'm very valuable person, but I can't exemplify it. Becuase of her I sometimes feel like ****, like someone who doesn't deserve true love, who is too weak to be loved by another person.. This is sick.

 

I need some support to go through this, but I don't know exactly what kind of support. Maybe I should visit a therapist? What do you think?

 

You dont need support, you only think you do.

 

You dont need confidence to stop talking to her.

 

Your confidence isnt shot because of her, its because of you. Its all in your head.

 

First off, stop talking to her.

 

Send of all, start looking for a new girl to talk to quick. Clubs, bars, online, do it all.

 

If you need someone to vent to, find them, but you dont need a therapist.

[Charlemagne]

Your confidence isnt shot because of her, its because of you. Its all in your head.

 

My head is a mess. I need to fix it, but don't know exactly how. I feel better, but far far away from good.

[paddington bear]

my therapist said something interesting (as I was in similar situation to you)

 

"you cannot control who you fall for, people fall for the wrong people all the time". And I didn't consciously think that I could control who I fell for, but when I thought about it, I did think that I could turn those feelings off.

 

What I've learned is. You can't.

 

Why do you want to keep her in your life? You care for her, want to be around her, no matter what.

 

What will happen, you will spend time with her, you will try to convince yourself you don't care. You still do.

 

She will marry, you will see less of her, one day you will wake up and realise you never could have her, and that she is not yours and never will be and feel like your world has been torn apart and that you've invested far too much time and emotion into this unavailable woman, while kidding yourself that you could do the friends thing.

 

NC - only way. doesn't mean no contact forever, just until you are fully over her and are genuinely not harbouring some tiny hope in there (even if you don't admit that you have that hope to yourself, believe me, you do). Then and only then can you be 'friends'. If she cares for you, she will understand that you need some time apart until you've sorted yourself out. Don't worry about looking like a fool, just look after your own interests, she's looking after hers by not being with you.

[Bejita463]

my therapist said something interesting (as I was in similar situation to you)

 

"you cannot control who you fall for, people fall for the wrong people all the time". And I didn't consciously think that I could control who I fell for, but when I thought about it, I did think that I could turn those feelings off.

 

What I've learned is. You can't.

 

Why do you want to keep her in your life? You care for her, want to be around her, no matter what.

 

What will happen, you will spend time with her, you will try to convince yourself you don't care. You still do.

 

She will marry, you will see less of her, one day you will wake up and realise you never could have her, and that she is not yours and never will be and feel like your world has been torn apart and that you've invested far too much time and emotion into this unavailable woman, while kidding yourself that you could do the friends thing.

 

That is fine advice right there. I agree with this completely.

[Charlemagne]

I know that I care. I care A LOT, I love her.

 

She seems to be very involved as well. She tries to be everything she can to please me. But.. I know she doesn't love me and although she deludes me constantly that everything is gonna be allright I don't believe her. There's no prospect. And I know it. But some part of me tries to make me believe. Every day. This is my inner struggle and I don't know how to win this overwhelming battle..

 

I feel so lonely in this fight..

[paddington bear]

I know that I care. I care A LOT, I love her.

 

She seems to be very involved as well. She tries to be everything she can to please me. But.. I know she doesn't love me and although she deludes me constantly that everything is gonna be allright I don't believe her. There's no prospect. And I know it. But some part of me tries to make me believe. Every day. This is my inner struggle and I don't know how to win this overwhelming battle..

 

I feel so lonely in this fight..

 

Well then, you can't simply do the friends thing, you just can't. I'm not saying this as some random 'rule' that is to be blindly followed, I'm saying it because I have done the unrequited, let's just be friends thing, twice now (yes...how stupid am I?).

 

Both times I've not only had my heart ripped to shreds, worse than any breakup of a 'normal' relationship. So I know what I'm talking about. The last one I haven't spoken to for months and I still think about him every damn day and wonder what's going on in his life, is he happy etc. And I miss him like crazy.

 

However, with every day it gets better and other thoughts occur 'he never wanted me anyway', 'the fact that I haven't heard from him proves that he never could or would love me, otherwise he wouldn't let me leave his life', 'better off not having him in my life', 'other guys seem much more interested in me now that he's not around' 'I feel more confident' - all the things I wasn't willing to admit to myself or see, or didn't notice are now clarified because I'm not seeing him all the time and can (bit by bit) finally see things from a more distanced perspective.

 

Do I still hanker after this unrequited 'friend'. Yes. Do I still hope one day he will come back into my life and declare undying live. Yes. But...with NC it finally, finally got into my head that he never loved me (at least not enough), he never was going to love me and he never will. At least I've had the time and space away from him to come to terms with that horrible assessment of the situation - which is and always was the truth, I just didn't want to see it because I loved him so much. I didn't want to extinguish that spark of hope.

 

I'm not saying NC a magic pill, and it is not easy by any means, voluntarily weaning yourself off someone you want to be with, but in the long-run, you are going to save yourself much more heartache - you say you are lonely in the fight now, imagine how you feel now but multiply that emotional pain by 1000, that's how bad you will feel when you really, really realise that friendship will never be enough, when she talks lovingly about her husband, her first child etc. You are setting yourself up to be hurt and repeatedly and badly and you have the opportunity not to do this to yourself.

 

I know the NC is horrible advice - I asked on this forum and was told NC and you don't want to hear it, you want to hear that if you do this and that, the person you love will change their mind - but, likewise NC is also the only way of finding out how much they care or not, sometimes losing that person that they rely on, and who has always been there makes people have a change of heart. Hanging around with someone you love, who doesn't love you back, won't allow them to miss you and asses their real feelings for you.

 

Best of luck, sorry for the long post, it's just I know where you're at right now, it's simply a horrible place to be and am sending virtual hugs.

[mushmush]

Dude very similar situation as you at the moment.

 

All I can say is NC is the best way to go.. Cut this girl from my life and it's a huge weight off my shoulders. Wont lie, it's been hard as for some strange reason I still care about this girl.

 

Better to invest your time and emotions on someone who is involved on an equal basis.. It is totally draining otherwise.

 

Who knows in the future you still might be friends. Not while you still have feeling for her though.

[boogieboy]

My head is a mess. I need to fix it, but don't know exactly how. I feel better, but far far away from good.

 

Theres no easy way to do it. Its hard, it hurts, you suffer, and it only gets prolonged by staying in contact with her. Problem is you dont see it unless youve gone months without talking to her.

 

Put it this way...it will take 9 months (maybe more) for you to get over her if you stay in contact with her, it will take 3 if you stop talking to her now. You dont want to waste 9 months when someone new could walk into your life and you miss them.

 

You have to bite the bullet, stop talking to her, and work though the pain until it goes away. Doing as much as you can to distract yourself helps too. Hang with friends, new hobbies, work more hours, whatever you can.

 

Hating her for being as selfish as she was for leading you on will help you not to desire to talk to her as well.

She knew you liked her and she knew it was never going to happen between you two, but she used you anyway. (besides you falling for it)

[Charlemagne]

Very nice advice paddington bear, thank you very much!

 

I'm sorry for you, I know this pain..

 

You said, you did this twice, we did it 5 times! And she was always the one who was trying to reach out for me. It was hard for her to make me believe, but finally she always got what she want. I was always coming back because I believed that this time she will reciprocate my feelings, and I was always wrong. How stupid am I...? My opinion is that some people are irreplaceable and she is one of them.. But still, she doesn't deserve 1% of my love, and I feel unrespected, and I'm almost strong enough to tell her that I don't need such a fraudulent person in my life. I'm a one step from it.

 

What I would like to do is to test her one more final time. Without NC, to do something, I don't know, fade away for some time, find a girl, whatever, and ask her what is the goal of this whole thing. Ask her whether she love me or not and depending on her answer leave her or be with her.

 

I haven't replied to her phone call today, and I've just got a text message from her that she misses me so much.. Is she crazy? Or am I? How to respond to such games?

 

I don't know what's holding me back.. I have to stop it.

[paddington bear]

Am I right in saying that in your original post she is engaged to someone else?

 

Why is she texting you and saying she missed you so much if she is engaged to another? If I was her fiancée I would be seriously pissed if I found that out. That is not the behaviour of someone who cares for you, or cares for him. Image of a cat playing with a little mouse springs to mind

 

Honestly, the reason you can't get rid of her, or let her go, is because she won't let you. She knows you're hooked emotionally and every time you try to extricate yourself she pulls something like this and you get sucked back in.

 

Think about this logically, how fair on you is that kind of behaviour on you? What does it say about this woman? Keeping you strung along in the background? She has her cake (her fiancée) and can eat it (you), but what do you get? No cake of any kind, just being dangled around like a puppet on a string.

 

I agree with your plan, start dating others, don't pick up every few calls from her, and don't reply to every text, then move it up a noch, take only one call out of 3 and so on. Slowly remove yourself from her life, tell her about the (real or imagined) women you are dating when you do talk to her.

 

But remember, actions speak louder than words, so don't spin a load of bull and then go running when she says she misses you or whatever, or the 5 times cycle will keep going on and on. And try to date others, not simply to get back at her, or to make her jealous, but to actually find someone that does want you, and does want to be with you.

 

Pulling back, genuinely pulling back without running back to her as soon as she feels insecure that she doesn't have you where she wants you, will reveal her true feelings for you. When she realises that you mean what you say (or rather mean what you do), her tune may change or she might simply let you go and find another plaything. (Sorry, I know you love her, but she's not treating you well with this behaviour - I am trying to fan the flames of outrage that you should be feeling at her treatment of you - getting angry is the best first step to jolt yourself out of this cycle)

[Charlemagne]

Yes you are right paddington bear. She's engaged to someone else.

 

The texting is not the worst thing about her. We had sex couple of times so she is a disgusting cheater to her fiancée. We arranged a meeting to have sex on this friday.. If I was her boyfriend I will never trust her completely. This is another reason why I should have ended this long time ago. She isn't the prize. She is a punishment.

 

All I get from her is an attention, sex, and sweet words. This is a good case for FWB, but while I'm still loving her it won't end well.

 

I'm going to date other girls, to change some things in my life, to be a better person and find a girl who will love me. She has never appreciated my love. Her fault.

 

Now I'm waiting for her feelings to reveal. It's a high time to answer some very important questions, and eventually make a decision. I'm almost ready.

[Charlemagne]

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm all in tears now but deep inside I know that I've done something good!!!!!!!!

 

It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!