My Secrets to my Great Relationship!

[Malenfant]

my secret to a happy relationship....

 

treat your partner with the love and respect you hope to receive.

(which i think is a brief description of the original post)

 

that goes for men or women... thats the clever bit! no need to write long lists specifically about what men like or what women like.

 

Honestly i cant stand this 'one thing for him, one thing for her' mentality that (coming from the womans point of view) traditionally makes the woman into a martyr, and the man into a helpless child with a desperately fragile ego.

not a particuarly flattering description of either sex IMO, and i dont think that people have to buy into these sad stereotypes.

Edited December 14, 2009 by Malenfant

[threebyfate]

my secret to a happy relationship....

 

treat your partner with the love and respect you hope to receive.

 

that goes for men or women... thats the clever bit! no need to write long lists specifically about what men like or what women like.

 

Honestly i cant stand this 'one thing for him, one thing for her' mentality that (coming from the womans point of view) traditionally makes the woman into a martyr, and the man into a helpless child with a desperately fragile ego.

not a particuarly flattering description of either sex IMO, and i dont think that people have to buy into these sad stereotypes.

Yup, I agree and that's why this is such a pet peeve with me.

 

You spoil each other because you love each other. Pandering or enabling of ineptitude(s) or for that matter, perceiving them as ineptitude(s), is not healthy for a great relationship.

 

See your partner clearly, all positives and negatives. Then work together for a viable, long-term relationship with plenty of respect for their abilities to be a responsible adult. A partner.

[Malenfant]

Yup, I agree and that's why this is such a pet peeve with me.

 

You spoil each other because you love each other. Pandering or enabling of ineptitude(s) or for that matter, perceiving them as ineptitude(s), is not healthy for a great relationship.

 

See your partner clearly, all positives and negatives. Then work together for a viable, long-term relationship with plenty of respect for their abilities to be a responsible adult. A partner.

 

yeah totally, a person grows with love and support, and with that kind of respect we've all got the ability to transcend our weaknesses. men and women alike, as equals.

[angie2443]

I thought, "You don't have kids and a mortgage, do you?"

 

Oh, to be carefree like it was in the child-and-debt-free days...I didn't give a single rat's bum if my bf was looking at girlie magazines when I was a smoking hot 20-yr-old on her way out to meet the girls at the club...but make that a husband looking at porn on the computer, when I'm a 40-year-old mother of four trying to break one kid's fever while another is throwing up in the hallway? Well, that's a bit different.

 

This was another angle I considered. There is a world of differance between bieng a carefree twenty something with no kids, and bieng a parent.

[northstar1]

Obvious troll thread is obvious.

[hopeful1980]

yeah totally, a person grows with love and support, and with that kind of respect we've all got the ability to transcend our weaknesses. men and women alike, as equals.

 

Men and women are different. That's a given. While every person is unique, stereotypes come from somewhere. Things can be equal in a relationship, but that doesn't mean they are the same. A man's needs are generally going to be different than a woman's needs and that is okay.

[Malenfant]

Men and women are different. That's a given. While every person is unique, stereotypes come from somewhere. Things can be equal in a relationship, but that doesn't mean they are the same. A man's needs are generally going to be different than a woman's needs and that is okay.

 

fundamentally everyone's needs are the same. to be loved, supported and respected.

people's individual needs vary, but i dont think that men and women should be treated differently according to stereotypes.

 

so many threads on here ask for insights into the man's or woman's mind.

 

I'm a woman, but i couldnt begin to tell you what another woman's wants are specific to her being a woman.

 

Likewise i dont think asking another man how to treat my own husband is the way to understand what my H really wants or needs.

 

the only way to truely know what a person wants is by talking to the actual person.

[hopeful1980]

fundamentally everyone's needs are the same. to be loved, supported and respected.

people's individual needs vary, but i dont think that men and women should be treated differently according to stereotypes.

 

so many threads on here ask for insights into the man's or woman's mind.

 

I'm a woman, but i couldnt begin to tell you what another woman's wants are specific to her being a woman.

 

Likewise i dont think asking another man how to treat my own husband is the way to understand what my H really wants or needs.

 

the only way to truely know what a person wants is by talking to the actual person.

 

The needs are the same, but how we prioritize those needs are different. HOW you show respect to a man may very well be different than HOW you show respect to a woman and should be because our roles are different. That's okay.

 

I think it's foolish to assume that my husband's needs are the same as my needs. I know that this is not true. We want the same things, but the things that he thinks are critical in a relationship I don't think as much about and vice versa. The key to a healthy relationship is finding out what needs are most important to your partner and giving them that. It doesn't make sense to treat them how you want to be treated if that's not what they want.

[sonicranger]

Honestly i cant stand this 'one thing for him, one thing for her' mentality that (coming from the womans point of view) traditionally makes the woman into a martyr, and the man into a helpless child with a desperately fragile ego.

not a particuarly flattering description of either sex IMO, and i dont think that people have to buy into these sad stereotypes.

 

 

 

I agree with this and want to expand on it.

 

 

Whats with this whole idea of "You do this for me and then I'll do that for you" crap? Or how about men often joking about their balls being kept in a jar on top of the fridge or whatever?

 

I cannot and will not be put into some sort of relationship box. If my woman wants to go out with her friends, go ahead, I don't expect anything in return. I believe in compromise as being a true compromise, both parties getting SOMETHING that they want, not ALL of it. Since when did compromise just turn into deferred getting what I really want?

 

 

I hear of so many couples constantly "negotiating" to do something...I believe that you should be HAPPY for your SO to go out with her friends and have a good time because you know and trust that when YOU want to do something his response will be the same. It's called not being selfish.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I hear of so many couples constantly "negotiating" to do something...I believe that you should be HAPPY for your SO to go out with her friends and have a good time because you know and trust that when YOU want to do something his response will be the same. It's called not being selfish.

 

Oftentimes, though, it ends up skewed. One partner wants to go out more often than the other, and there's the rascally kids to tend as well, so it ends up LOOKING selfish on the part of the party who wants to head out.

 

once you bring kids into it, the couple needs to spend about 90% of their 'out' time together.

[giotto]

once you have kids (maybe 2-4) it's a completely different ball game... get real!!!!

[SimplyBeingLoved]

I thought, "You don't have kids and a mortgage, do you?"

 

Ha. I thought the same thing. The list sounds nice but it gives the impression the OP has no children or other similar stresses that always affect marriages.

[SimplyBeingLoved]

Here are MY secrets to a great relationship!

 

1. I respect his freedom and independence. I want him to know that he is not chained to this relationship... in fact I've mentioned maybe we should not be chained at all! He always has the choice to leave anytime... okay... there's child support payment, alimony.. Details, details! But really! I want him to learn and grow as an individual.....

 

2. Absolutely no shagging! He's a big boy and managed to get through life just fine before I came along.

 

3. Sex is a (non) priority. I try to dress up well for my partner... okay I USED to try to dress up well for my partner... how many years ago was that? At the end of the day running around after kids and dog and everything, maybe I forgot to put on the makeup, oh heck... Granted... he'd love me if I were fat... thank god for that!

 

4. I support him... when he slumps over from one too many beers, and is about to fall off the couch... I support him... ooof... he's heavy!

 

5. I allow him his privacy! Well, yeah, cause #2, absolutely no shagging! So I allow him to look at his porn, I say go for it, and he does! And he looks at all he wants!

 

[Jackie-Jhonson]

I hope more people will listen to you

[nddb]

Great post Lexicat.

 

Nice to see a positive post instead of the usual "he/she is an ass, my life is a war zone, how do I get out"

 

I know my post count is low but before I get jumped on, let's say that I've been lurking for a long while and just want to jump in and register and say thanks for the post.

 

My situation is very similar. My wife pampers me and the kids. I pamper her with frequent massages, date nights and I work hard on the emotional connection stuff (not easy for most guys). Making her smile is my favorite thing to do, and she tries hard to make life happy for me and our kids.

 

In fact, I'm on here and other "relationship" forums to find ways to AVOID mistakes that others have made and find what are the things that tend to work well to make one's wife happy (and they are NOT what I learned growing up).

 

P.S. For the cynical, no, not everything is two-way. My wife never plans date nights--it's all me. I almost never get any gifts (not that I care to--I am picky about my stuff and useless trinkets don't get me all gaga) and 90% of the massage is me massaging her but I'm totally fine with that. She does most of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning (we have occasional help for the rest). She never plans for vacations--that's my job. I rarely ever get any romantic surprises (they don't mean 1/10th as much for me as it is for her) but I can leave her and the kids and go on a weekend trip with the boys whenever (those are more valuable to me). I make all the money. She's great at helping me save and invest. She's as pretty as ever been. Works awesome for nearly 20 years. Looking around, I know I'm lucky.

[giotto]

P.S. For the cynical, no, not everything is two-way. My wife never plans date nights--it's all me. I almost never get any gifts (not that I care to--I am picky about my stuff and useless trinkets don't get me all gaga) and 90% of the massage is me massaging her but I'm totally fine with that. She does most of the cooking and the majority of the cleaning (we have occasional help for the rest). She never plans for vacations--that's my job. I rarely ever get any romantic surprises (they don't mean 1/10th as much for me as it is for her) but I can leave her and the kids and go on a weekend trip with the boys whenever (those are more valuable to me). I make all the money. She's great at helping me save and invest. She's as pretty as ever been. Works awesome for nearly 20 years. Looking around, I know I'm lucky.

 

This really made me smile... you work and make all the money, like many men on this planet, right?, and in return your wife cooks for you and does all the cleaning... and she is happy... ah, yes, of course! She gets lots of massaging! But then, poor you, you don't get any presents or romantic surprises... ah, well, you do get to go away to play with the boys whilst your wife looks after your kids, though...

[nddb]

This really made me smile... you work and make all the money, like many men on this planet, right?, and in return your wife cooks for you and does all the cleaning... and she is happy... ah, yes, of course! She gets lots of massaging! But then, poor you, you don't get any presents or romantic surprises... ah, well, you do get to go away to play with the boys whilst your wife looks after your kids, though...

 

I could care less about a few more dollars that she may bring in or the fact that she gets more massages or dates or things from me. I get what I want (a wife who's uber happy to be married to me and who loves to jump my bone whenever/where-ever and who is a GREAT mother to MY children and I get to do things I like without her complaining), and she gets what she wants (a husband who provides and strives to figure out what her emotional needs are and takes care of them).

 

You all go on fighting for tit-for-tat, keeping scores, and keep at the war of the sexes. Some of us are too ignorant to join in the fighting so more power to you:cool:

[giotto]

I could care less about a few more dollars that she may bring in or the fact that she gets more massages or dates or things from me. I get what I want (a wife who's uber happy to be married to me and who loves to jump my bone whenever/where-ever and who is a GREAT mother to MY children and I get to do things I like without her complaining), and she gets what she wants (a husband who provides and strives to figure out what her emotional needs are and takes care of them).

 

You all go on fighting for tit-for-tat, keeping scores, and keep at the war of the sexes. Some of us are too ignorant to join in the fighting so more power to you:cool:

 

would you be happy to revert the roles?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I could care less about a few more dollars that she may bring in or the fact that she gets more massages or dates or things from me. I get what I want (a wife who's uber happy to be married to me and who loves to jump my bone whenever/where-ever and who is a GREAT mother to MY children and I get to do things I like without her complaining), and she gets what she wants (a husband who provides and strives to figure out what her emotional needs are and takes care of them).

 

You all go on fighting for tit-for-tat, keeping scores, and keep at the war of the sexes. Some of us are too ignorant to join in the fighting so more power to you:cool:

 

You better be happy......

 

Back to the OP.... It is not that it is a bad list.... It is just that it is one I never have seen posted in seriousness. Or is it truly sustainable in 99.999999% of cases. Sure we strive for it. As a male I do all five or so I think;)), and get maybe 2-3 in return most days. I also know if I slip on a single one I will hear about it or it will be remembered.

 

Or as Lizzie forever the marriage optimist said.... It won't last and neither will the marriage....

[nddb]

would you be happy to revert the roles?

 

f$ck no. I like working. Have my own tiny shop so everyone kisses up to the boss--And I like bossing them around and getting them working for me. Occasionally, like today, I even get to travel to weird places for work.

 

But a day or a few days of that sh$t and I'm ready to go home and play with the kids and give luv to the wife. Hell, I need it to make me feel balanced.

 

But stay home all day...just shoot me. My wife on the other hand wouldn't have it any other way. The home is her castle (I mean that--it's beautiful because she decorates it awesome and enjoys it) and the business is mine.

 

But some people would think she is the victim, and others would think I am. C'est la vie.

[giotto]

f$ck no. I like working. Have my own tiny shop so everyone kisses up to the boss--And I like bossing them around and getting them working for me. Occasionally, like today, I even get to travel to weird places for work.

 

But a day or a few days of that sh$t and I'm ready to go home and play with the kids and give luv to the wife. Hell, I need it to make me feel balanced.

 

But stay home all day...just shoot me. My wife on the other hand wouldn't have it any other way. The home is her castle (I mean that--it's beautiful because she decorates it awesome and enjoys it) and the business is mine.

 

But some people would think she is the victim, and others would think I am. C'est la vie.

 

I would say your wife was the victim... But then you say she is happy, so I have nothing to add! Enjoy it!

[angie2443]

f$ck no. I like working. Have my own tiny shop so everyone kisses up to the boss--And I like bossing them around and getting them working for me. Occasionally, like today, I even get to travel to weird places for work.

 

But a day or a few days of that sh$t and I'm ready to go home and play with the kids and give luv to the wife. Hell, I need it to make me feel balanced.

 

But stay home all day...just shoot me. My wife on the other hand wouldn't have it any other way. The home is her castle (I mean that--it's beautiful because she decorates it awesome and enjoys it) and the business is mine.

 

But some people would think she is the victim, and others would think I am. C'est la vie.

 

You sound horrible. Really. I wonder if your wife is really happy or just faking it. Many people fake it. It works- up to a point.

[reddog63]

and on the other hand I do not.

 

What I understand is the OP's post. It is a general common sense list. Doesn't seem like much to argue with.

 

What I dont understand (I really do understand to some extent) is the reaction of some to this post. This was a positive post that was picked apart by some. Why? I think some women are angered because they are feminists for lack of a better way to describe it.

 

Giotto........you get out of this post that the wife is a victim? Yes, she is happy.............I would hazard the guess that you are not. You do not like the traditional roles of marriage do you?? It does not fit all, I agree..........but why does it get your dander up?? And because of this annoyance, you miss the bigger picture...........meeting each others needs.

[RedDevil66]

You sound horrible. Really. I wonder if your wife is really happy or just faking it. Many people fake it. It works- up to a point.

 

agreed! Anyone who talks like this feels really small in this world.

[giotto]

 

Giotto........you get out of this post that the wife is a victim? Yes, she is happy.............I would hazard the guess that you are not. You do not like the traditional roles of marriage do you?? It does not fit all, I agree..........but why does it get your dander up?? And because of this annoyance, you miss the bigger picture...........meeting each others needs.

 

well, at first it looked like to me that he was getting away with murder... he works all day (fine, who doesn't?), then comes home and he has the maid who does everything for him: cooks, cleans, looks after the kids and gives him sex... how lovely! But then, if she is happy, who am I to comment or criticise? As you say, she must be getting something out of it and they meet their needs... but it looks like the Middle Ages to me...