luvstarved Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Most men feel that to treat a woman like this makes him pussywhipped and chained. For clarity, I do not believe this, I was just trying to highlight how stupid the original comment sounded.
Peaceful Guy Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 For clarity, I do not believe this, I was just trying to highlight how stupid the original comment sounded. ah, thank you for clarifying, that surprised me!
Woggle Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Most men feel that to treat a woman like this makes him pussywhipped and chained. Can you deny that stepford wife is what many women on here probably thought when they first read this?
Peaceful Guy Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 ..bit supercilious.. good vocab! i gotta go.. not feeling this today! later..
Author lexicat Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I think because it sounds like a guy describing his ideal woman...I did not get the "dude" impression...I just got that it sounded kind of pat and trite and a bit supercilious and naive...and made me wonder what the poster was even doing here... With all the negative stories on this board, I just thought it might be nice to hear a positive one, that's all. I didn't mean to start a fight or anything. This works for us. We're both very happy, we're fulfilled as individuals and as partners. Neither of us feel used, pussy-whipped, troddened on, abused, or like a doormat. We've had our trouble, like all couples it's not always balloons and roses. We've paid our dues in counseling and learned a lot. This is where we've ended up, happy and content. I thought I would share the wisdom of what we've learned. If it doesn't work for your relationship, feel free to disregard.
luvstarved Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I can neither confirm nor deny, as I am only one person with my own opinion, which I have stated to the best of my ability in a previous post and stand by. Matter of fact, my assertion that posters here, including myself, have one or more screws loose wrt relationships, is well supported by your posts. You are way more proof of dysfunction than authority on the female gender...you're entitled to your opinion but I haven't seen a lot of support for it and yes, personally disagree with it.
giotto Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 With all the negative stories on this board, I just thought it might be nice to hear a positive one, that's all. You were wrong! There's a lot of unhappines and bitterness on LS recentely, for some reason... where's the festive spirit?
luvstarved Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 With all the negative stories on this board, I just thought it might be nice to hear a positive one, that's all. I didn't mean to start a fight or anything. This works for us. We're both very happy, we're fulfilled as individuals and as partners. Neither of us feel used, pussy-whipped, troddened on, abused, or like a doormat. We've had our trouble, like all couples it's not always balloons and roses. We've paid our dues in counseling and learned a lot. This is where we've ended up, happy and content. I thought I would share the wisdom of what we've learned. If it doesn't work for your relationship, feel free to disregard. Well I really am glad for you...I have been married 13 years and have had times where things seemed rosy, and times where things seemed abysmal. I guess what bugged me about it was that it somewhat came across as "in summary, do the right thing". The trouble is, most of know what we want and how we should act...we come here BECAUSE we either can't get it from someone else, or have our own problems that make doing the right thing difficult...we're not here because we are clueless, but because we are human...
giotto Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I think we all got the impression that - given the blissful scenario depicted - it came across a bit like preaching to the converted... like, we didn't know...
hopeful1980 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I believe you do all of these things. The truth is, so do I. The thing about it is though, no one is perfect. We all have flaws and we all fall short of our goal of being the perfect partner for our mate. I think it's more important to make the effort and remember to do the right thing again when you fail than it is to aspire to be a Stepford wife (I really love that book btw). I could never be a Stepford wife because I like to work outside the home and have an opinion .
Jersey Shortie Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 1. I respect his freedom and independence. I want him to know that he is not chained to this relationship. He always has the choice to leave at any time. I want him to grow and develop as an individual. When we have individual experiences and hobbies we can then share them with each other and our bond grows. I quite agree. I need my time too to be with my friends or family or to explore interests i have. Of course, I don't consider freedom and independence with going out bar hoping or to strip clubs. But if he wants to go watch the game at his friends house or a bar, or wants to go camping for the weekend, I hope he goes and has a great time. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder. 2. Absolutely no nagging! He's a big boy and managed to get through life just fine before I came along. Most household responsibilities we share, and if he doesn't get to it, I'll do it. We both have our days where we feel like being a bum, and when that happens the other fills in and picks up the slack. If it's an individual responsibility, I have faith that he will fulfill it. I may remind him, gently, but I never make him feel like he's a failure for not doing something. This is a matter of give and take. There are times when you are going to have to give more and times when you are going to take more. So I do agree that there are time when I will pick up the slack and times when he should. Both partners should feel like it balances out. Although, I don't like the stereotype of making women sound like nagging shrews. I do understand why women will ask their husbands to do things to get the done and be frustrated when they don't get a response from their husband or boyfriend to help. It's another frustration and thing to worry about then if he had just done it the first time around. I also don't know too many women that make a man feel like a failure just by asking him to do something, even if she has to ask him twice. I think most women would be PLEASED if they didn't have to ask him at all and he could just do these things on his own. Children wait for you to ask them to do something, adults do them without having to be asked. 3. Sex is a priority. It's important to me to make myself attractive to my partner. I dress well, and wear make up. I take good care of myself, and ensure that I am healthy as well as sexually attractive to him. Granted, he'd love me even if I was fat, I'd prefer to please him and stay fit. I am attracted to my man and I show it with enthusiasm during our intimate moments. I show him that he turns me on, and let him know that he's my "sex god". Agree. Sex is very important. If both partners are making an effort to fullfill each other sexually, that's wonderful for the relationship. He also has a responsiblity to maintail his body, his attraction and do all those things that show he cares as well. 4. I support him. I am sensitive to the fact that men have sensitive egos. When he's having a bad day, or feeling down, I remind him why he's always number 1 in my life. Why I think he's incredible and wonderful. I remind him of all the wonderful qualities he possesses. Again, I agree with this. It's important to remind the person that they are your number 1. Man or woman. 5. I allow him his privacy. If he wants to look at porn, I say go for it! He can look all he wants, because I know that when he wants some real action he comes to me. I don't quiz him on his porn watching activities, search his internet history, or even go on his computer. We each have our own computers and he doesn't have my password and I don't have his. We trust each other. I agree in allowing each other privacy. I however disagree that porn needs to be part of the equation if both partners are doing numbers 1-4. I do not think porn is a necessary part of a relationship that is as important as the other suggestions that you voiced. And if they are, I would personally think that something was wrong wit hthe relationship. I do agree that there is no need to have each other passwords or emails account information. And with that comes the trust that he will respect my boundries, including not needing porn in our lives, to maintain a happy fullfilled relationship. If I am doing all of the above numbers, I really see no reason for porn expect to be greedy. And it would make it seem that all the above numbers 1-4 would be pointless to keep on doing if he was still maintaining himself with pornography. I agree with your basic concepts Lexi. I do not agree with the number 5 as I don't think it should be a important part of a relationshp. if it is, that I think that's the type of man that will never be happy no matter what you do for him and there is really no point in even trying. I think they also apply to what a man should do for his woman. It would be nice to see a man make his own list on what he thinks he needs to do to provide a good relationship with his woman.
Lizzie60 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 The real secret is to keep all those good things going.. for years and years and years... which is, IMO, impossible..
Art_Critic Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Here's something I found to add to your wonderful relationship, Lexicat. It's from a 1955 edition of Good Housekeeping. Enjoy and hopefully, it will help your relationship be even more perfect! THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious dinner ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. he has just been with a lot of work-weary people.Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Be happy to see him.Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him but the moment of is arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure.Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. have a warm or cool drink ready for him.Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. remember he is the master of the house and as such will always excercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.A good wife always knows her place. ahhhhh....Those were the days
threebyfate Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I shall post this on my refrigerator, in case I ever forget my place...... .........I shall read it every---"What?Is that you, Ward? Oh,certainly dear.........Straight away......" sorry, I've got to run......................... ahhhhh....Those were the days Hey, you're no help! :laugh: Lexicat, if I dared condescend to my husband like the three year old described in your opening post, he'd divorce me STAT! The martyr/matronly/motherly tone would turn him off pretty badly. We have an equally respectful, trusting and loving relationship, two adults that know and facilitate our responsibilities within the marriage.
angie2443 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Here's something I found to add to your wonderful relationship, Lexicat. It's from a 1955 edition of Good Housekeeping. Enjoy and hopefully, it will help your relationship be even more perfect! THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious dinner ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. he has just been with a lot of work-weary people.Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Be happy to see him.Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him but the moment of is arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure.Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. have a warm or cool drink ready for him.Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. remember he is the master of the house and as such will always excercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.A good wife always knows her place. Hilarious and disturbing at the same time!
RedDevil66 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Lexi, I appreciate your thread. I think when two people are spiritually healthy, then they can abide by the list you posted. Problem is, most humans run on ego and not spirit. Most people live by "What is best for me and what can I get out of it" Hence why sites like this are so popular.
carhill Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Hilarious and disturbing at the same time! The insanely scary part is that sounds like my childhood. So f*cked up.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Can you deny that stepford wife is what many women on here probably thought when they first read this? I thought, "You don't have kids and a mortgage, do you?" Oh, to be carefree like it was in the child-and-debt-free days...I didn't give a single rat's bum if my bf was looking at girlie magazines when I was a smoking hot 20-yr-old on her way out to meet the girls at the club...but make that a husband looking at porn on the computer, when I'm a 40-year-old mother of four trying to break one kid's fever while another is throwing up in the hallway? Well, that's a bit different.
abd Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I think some of the ways that lexicat worded the original post can come off sounding like treating the man as if he's a child, but it seems to me the main points are all good things to think about, and are all pretty much equally valid if you switch the roles around. 1. Some level of independence and individual growth in both partners is a good thing. 2. Both partners should contribute to getting things done around the house. There'll be days when one person is too busy, or just isn't feeling it, but this goes both ways. 3. Sex is important; both partners should work at staying fit and healthy, keeping themselves attractive for one another. 4. I support him. I am sensitive to the fact that men have sensitive egos. When he's having a bad day, or feeling down, I remind him why he's always number 1 in my life. Why I think he's incredible and wonderful. I remind him of all the wonderful qualities he possesses.Maybe it sounds condescending when put that way, but the women I know want the same thing. My SO wants to hear me answer the question "Why do you love me," and as she puts it, some days she "needs a cheerleader." 5. I allow him his privacy. If he wants to look at porn, I say go for it! He can look all he wants, because I know that when he wants some real action he comes to me. I don't quiz him on his porn watching activities, search his internet history, or even go on his computer. We each have our own computers and he doesn't have my password and I don't have his. We trust each other.Privacy is important, and for more than porn . I was not (and still am not) pleased that my SO went snooping around specifically to find a journal I write in infrequently. Doesn't mean those things are the only five things that matter, or even the most important, but they certainly don't make a woman into a 1950s housewife.
threebyfate Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Hilarious and disturbing at the same time! Stepford wives unite! But then Good Housekeeping is like the SAHMs equivalent to Cosmo, for the single girl. Think of those "how to keep your man sexually intrigued" lists in Cosmo.
Boundary Problem Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 1. I respect his freedom and independence. I want him to know that he is not chained to this relationship. He always has the choice to leave at any time. I want him to grow and develop as an individual. When we have individual experiences and hobbies we can then share them with each other and our bond grows. 2. Absolutely no nagging! He's a big boy and managed to get through life just fine before I came along. Most household responsibilities we share, and if he doesn't get to it, I'll do it. We both have our days where we feel like being a bum, and when that happens the other fills in and picks up the slack. If it's an individual responsibility, I have faith that he will fulfill it. I may remind him, gently, but I never make him feel like he's a failure for not doing something. 3. Sex is a priority. It's important to me to make myself attractive to my partner. I dress well, and wear make up. I take good care of myself, and ensure that I am healthy as well as sexually attractive to him. Granted, he'd love me even if I was fat, I'd prefer to please him and stay fit. I am attracted to my man and I show it with enthusiasm during our intimate moments. I show him that he turns me on, and let him know that he's my "sex god". 4. I support him. I am sensitive to the fact that men have sensitive egos. When he's having a bad day, or feeling down, I remind him why he's always number 1 in my life. Why I think he's incredible and wonderful. I remind him of all the wonderful qualities he possesses. 5. I allow him his privacy. If he wants to look at porn, I say go for it! He can look all he wants, because I know that when he wants some real action he comes to me. I don't quiz him on his porn watching activities, search his internet history, or even go on his computer. We each have our own computers and he doesn't have my password and I don't have his. We trust each other. There you have it, that's what I have to say. So far it has worked for us, we've been together for 5 years. What are your secrets to a great relationship? This does sound good. It works when the two people love each other. If it is more of a companionship/business arrangement marriage then I think there is going to be more rigidity and specific expectations. The flexibility of this arrangement works because the people involved trust each other to be healthy and there for each other and to support each other when needed. This sounds like a romantic friendship to tell you the truth. Friendship with romance. Rather than marriage with benefits. The core here is friendship, which is what so often gets lost in marriages. I see so many great people miserable in their marriages because the stress of everyday life has caused them to doubt their friendship with their spouse. Once they start seeing the other as the 'enemy' it is pretty hard to recover intimacy. And they start trying to escape intimacy in the household.
threebyfate Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I absolutely detest the martyr's complex. People don't just do things, to make their spouses happy. They do things to get personal satisfaction from it, in that it creates a result from the other person. That's about as far away from altruism, as you can get. Everyone is an independent individual who is aware they're independent, unless they have codependency issues. So that negates #1. Everyone has their responsibilities within the relationship, so define and then let them take care of it. If they choose not to do them, you're enabling irresponsibility if you do it for them and not letting them grow or mature. So that negates #2. #3. Sex isn't just for the man. You as a mature woman should be just as into sex as he is. If you're only being sexual "for" him, time for some therapy. Also, as a woman, you should be concerned about your OWN health, which means staying in shape, not eating junk and controlling your portion consumption. Also, don't be a slob. Maintain personal hygiene and primping. #4. Oh lord save me from overly-sensitive people. Give and get respect in your relationship and it will work just fine. #5. If porn is an issue in your relationship, the two of you don't have compatible values. Time to find a more complemetary personality. As for privacy, everything is wide open in our marriage. We both are administrators on each others' computers, our smart phones unlocked, etc. Why the need to hide anything? Privacy is for those who have something to hide. It reminds me of a jingle from the McDonald's commercials "We do it all for you". Just pure manipulation.
abd Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 It really doesn't sound to me like lexicat is playing a martyr, since she specifically said that in her relationship, it's a two-way street. Privacy is for those who have something to hide. If you have nothing to hide, then you don't have a life . Or, as Solzhenitsyn put it, "Everyone is guilty of something or has something to conceal. All one has to do is look hard enough to find what it is." Would you be OK with your spouse or SO hearing your thoughts 24/7? I doubt anyone would. Privacy isn't about having something to hide so much as things that aren't anyone else's business.
threebyfate Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 It really doesn't sound to me like lexicat is playing a martyr, since she specifically said that in her relationship, it's a two-way street.So she claimed, in a post after the initial list. Whether this is true or not, isn't for me to say. I was commenting on the opening post. If you have nothing to hide, then you don't have a life . Or, as Solzhenitsyn put it, "Everyone is guilty of something or has something to conceal. All one has to do is look hard enough to find what it is." Would you be OK with your spouse or SO hearing your thoughts 24/7? I doubt anyone would. Privacy isn't about having something to hide so much as things that aren't anyone else's business.I've never understood privacy within a marriage....period. You throw it all open and if your partner wants to look, they can look. Most often, you'll find they don't, since trust is there. It's when something untoward happens, that makes them believe they need to look, which is usually your own behaviour, like...hiding things.
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