The torture of NC

[HeavenOrHell]

I've assumed my ex was ok after dumping me after 18 years, but when I asked him stuff about it he wasn't coping well even a few months on. So don't assume your ex has turned it off just like that, but if he has then good riddance! Although some people can block people out because it does hurt, it's their way of coping. It doesn't mean they didn't/don't care.

I haven't managed NC, the most I managed was LC, didn't see him for a month but we still texted and emailed.

NC really scares me, if I do it I will have to do it gradually.

 

So here I am on day 11 of NC and I am trying to get my thick head around how this seems to work so effortlessly for him. Our lives were entwined for the better part of 5.5 years. We were in touch at least once every single day in some form (text message, email, im or phone). We shared friends and we shared experiences.

 

11 days ago I finally said I could not take him hurting me the way he has been - and he aplogized for not being the perosn I wanted, I emailed him once, he emaild back, I emailed a response and that was it.

 

How do you just stop? I just don't know what to do with myself. How do I reconcile myself to this? In the past 5.5 years my friends have found other things to do - they can't be there for me. He filled that gap or perhaps created it in their lives, I'm not sure. Now what?

 

How was he able to just turn it off? Truth is I have no idea what he is going through - but I do know that he's not calling.

 

OMG when does this stop?

[curiousnycgirl]

I've assumed my ex was ok after dumping me after 18 years, but when I asked him stuff about it he wasn't coping well even a few months on. So don't assume your ex has turned it off just like that, but if he has then good riddance! Although some people can block people out because it does hurt, it's their way of coping. It doesn't mean they didn't/don't care.

I haven't managed NC, the most I managed was LC, didn't see him for a month but we still texted and emailed.

NC really scares me, if I do it I will have to do it gradually.

 

If you don't mind my aksing, when did you two break up? Why does NC scare you? What part does he still play in your life?

 

Truth is I am afraid every day. Say what you will my ex was my best friend, so I'm sort of lost without him. When things happen during my day - my first thought is always oh I have to call ex to tell him about that - then I remember.

 

Yup it stinks!

[hottrotter]

My girlfriend broke up with me about a month and half ago.. but like most others, she was checked out weeks before without even letting me know.

I went NC after that, and have been doing great!.

You begin to adapt to the fact that they aren't in your life anymore, and thats good.. they don't deserve to be in your life. They treat you less than what you deserve, and they will begin to realize what they are missing..

The first week is the hardest.. i honestly was in tears.. it was like a piece of me was just taken and i felt empty.

Talk to your friends, do things you could never do before!

talk talk talk. get it all out.

 

The second you hear about them though, you will be back at square 1..

all of the old feelings will come back... thats why its important to stay NC until your 100% over them.

I found out my ex already moved onto another guy.. thats life though.

Learn from it and move on.

Edited December 23, 2009 by hottrotter

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't mind you asking He left me in july after 18 years. We had a loving, solid relationship, until I became involved/obsessed with an animal care job which I did 24/7 from home, I neglected him badly, he gave me warning but I didn't take enough notice, he said he didn't feel loved or needed by me anymore and it wore away his feelings for me bit by bit. Still loves and cares for me, but not in love.

We have met up each week since we split. We have a lovely time together, but it keeps me hoping that we might be able to rebuild, so I keep feeling crushed, not every time I see him though, mostly I feel really good after seeing him.

NC scares me because I have loved him half my life, he is my best pal too, we know each inside and out, how do I let go of that? It terrifies me. Life already feels empty and lonely without him, no matter how many friends I have.

But I have to let go soon as I am so scared he will meet someone else soon and I can't bear it.

And I feel in my heart (ok I might be proved wrong) that there will never be anyone as special for me again, I found the one I wanted to be with, so now what?

 

 

If you don't mind my aksing, when did you two break up? Why does NC scare you? What part does he still play in your life?

 

Truth is I am afraid every day. Say what you will my ex was my best friend, so I'm sort of lost without him. When things happen during my day - my first thought is always oh I have to call ex to tell him about that - then I remember.

 

Yup it stinks!

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't mind you asking He left me in july after 18 years. We had a loving, solid relationship, until I became involved/obsessed with an animal care job which I did 24/7 from home, I neglected him badly, he gave me warning but I didn't take enough notice, he said he didn't feel loved or needed by me anymore and it wore away his feelings for me bit by bit. Still loves and cares for me, but not in love.

We have met up each week since we split. We have a lovely time together, but it keeps me hoping that we might be able to rebuild, so I keep feeling crushed, not every time I see him though, mostly I feel really good after seeing him.

NC scares me because I have loved him half my life, he is my best pal too, we know each inside and out, how do I let go of that? It terrifies me. Life already feels empty and lonely without him, no matter how many friends I have.

But I have to let go soon as I am so scared he will meet someone else soon and I can't bear it.

And I feel in my heart (ok I might be proved wrong) that there will never be anyone as special for me again, I found the one I wanted to be with, so now what?

 

OMG HeavenandHell I am so sorry! I wish you lived by me, I'd get together with you (do you?)! My heart breaks for you. Do you think there is any chance that you guys might fix what's broken? Because if so, I think you might want to consider NC - the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is an old adage for a reason.

 

How ironic (at least to me) though - my ex was vehemently opposed to rescuing animals, now that we are NC I am hoping to adopt a dog, I've applied to a number or rescues (mostly because if I go to a shelter I'll end up with as many as they'll let me take!). You think there is something about us animal people?

 

Actually now that I am NC I find myself thinking about doing a bunch of things that the ex was opposed to. I've wanted to paint my bedroom hunter green since I moved here - yup gonna do it!

 

There is something that is liberating about it - although I know I'd still prefer to be with him. Deep heavy sigh!

[curiousnycgirl]

I found out my ex already moved onto another guy.. thats life though.

Learn from it and move on.

 

The evil part of me knows at least this can't happen with my ex - he's broke! Not even I - who gives way too much - would agree to pay for everything at the very beginning/first dates!

 

While I know he's not pining for me, I also know he is stuck in his own rut.

 

DOODY HEAD!

[mmk1]

First off, NC is for you. It keeps you from making contact with your ex that inevitably result in more pain to you when that contact does not result in your getting back together, which it rarely does.

 

Moreover, if you've told them everything you already wanted to and they know you want to get back together, there is really no reason to contact them again. They already know how you feel.

 

Move on with your life as if you will never get back together and find someone who does want to be with you.

[curiousnycgirl]

First off, NC is for you. It keeps you from making contact with your ex that inevitably result in more pain to you when that contact does not result in your getting back together, which it rarely does.

 

Moreover, if you've told them everything you already wanted to and they know you want to get back together, there is really no reason to contact them again. They already know how you feel.

 

Move on with your life as if you will never get back together and find someone who does want to be with you.

 

Thanks mmk - I agree. The only thing is, I doubt I'll be ready for anyone new for a looooong time! I typically go 10 years between significant relationships - yup that sounds about right.

[hottrotter]

Thanks mmk - I agree. The only thing is, I doubt I'll be ready for anyone new for a looooong time! I typically go 10 years between significant relationships - yup that sounds about right.

 

i know you may not realize it now, but im willing to bet a pretty penny you'll find someone wayy sooner then that.

The best and only good thing about a break-up is that you begin to realize what was missing during the realtionship. You look at the things that annoyed you, made you upset, made you feel like you didn't matter.. and take it as the relationship wasn't meant to be. It shouldnt have been that way.

it wasnt meant to be

[curiousnycgirl]

i know you may not realize it now, but im willing to bet a pretty penny you'll find someone wayy sooner then that.

The best and only good thing about a break-up is that you begin to realize what was missing during the realtionship. You look at the things that annoyed you, made you upset, made you feel like you didn't matter.. and take it as the relationship wasn't meant to be. It shouldnt have been that way.

it wasnt meant to be

 

Hottrotter - if that proves to be true, it will be my pleasure to come back and let you know I was wrong!

[HeavenOrHell]

Hiya hun, I'm a long distance from you sadly Thank you for your kind words. At the moment I don't have much hope we can rebuild although we have a close friendship, met him today and seeing him tomorrow

I constantly think about going NC but I've not managed it yet I didn't see him for a month once but still texted and emailed.

I don't really understand why we can't rebuild unless there are other reasons besides neglect he left me for, as he knows I have made changes for several months now and he knows how incredibly regretful I am about neglecting him, I have made it clear what he meant/means to me. Either he can't let me back in as he's no longer in love, or he won't as he still feels hurt.

I hope you are able to get your dog And have fun painting your bedroom

 

OMG HeavenandHell I am so sorry! I wish you lived by me, I'd get together with you (do you?)! My heart breaks for you. Do you think there is any chance that you guys might fix what's broken? Because if so, I think you might want to consider NC - the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is an old adage for a reason.

 

How ironic (at least to me) though - my ex was vehemently opposed to rescuing animals, now that we are NC I am hoping to adopt a dog, I've applied to a number or rescues (mostly because if I go to a shelter I'll end up with as many as they'll let me take!). You think there is something about us animal people?

 

Actually now that I am NC I find myself thinking about doing a bunch of things that the ex was opposed to. I've wanted to paint my bedroom hunter green since I moved here - yup gonna do it!

 

There is something that is liberating about it - although I know I'd still prefer to be with him. Deep heavy sigh!

[curiousnycgirl]

Hiya hun, I'm a long distance from you sadly Thank you for your kind words. At the moment I don't have much hope we can rebuild although we have a close friendship, met him today and seeing him tomorrow

I constantly think about going NC but I've not managed it yet I didn't see him for a month once but still texted and emailed.

I don't really understand why we can't rebuild unless there are other reasons besides neglect he left me for, as he knows I have made changes for several months now and he knows how incredibly regretful I am about neglecting him, I have made it clear what he meant/means to me. Either he can't let me back in as he's no longer in love, or he won't as he still feels hurt.

I hope you are able to get your dog And have fun painting your bedroom

 

Merry Christmas - I really hope you get exactly what you want this holiday season/new year. And if not what you want, what is good for you!

 

All I want is my new pup!

[CentralJersey]

10 years before another relationship seems pretty long. I'm on day 3 of my breakup...I loved her completely, had no issues with the relationship, and thought we were really happy (you can see my thread "Out of the Blue".

 

Still I realize a few things. It cannot be easy on them even if it seems to be. If you are able to keep up NC, but it's hard on you, then why cant they be in the same situation. I've been on both sides of a breakup and it's hard either way. Meeting someone else right away does soften the blow (for you and/or your ex), but is not a long term solution.

 

Whether there were things you didnt like about the relationship or whether you liked everything, moving on with NC is the way to go. No need to plan on being willing to get back together or not...just move on and take things as they come...

[curiousnycgirl]

Still I realize a few things. It cannot be easy on them even if it seems to be. If you are able to keep up NC, but it's hard on you, then why cant they be in the same situation. I've been on both sides of a breakup and it's hard either way. Meeting someone else right away does soften the blow (for you and/or your ex), but is not a long term solution.

 

Whether there were things you didnt like about the relationship or whether you liked everything, moving on with NC is the way to go. No need to plan on being willing to get back together or not...just move on and take things as they come...

 

I state my assertion that he is moving on just fine because that is what I believe the truth to be. I believe he had checked out of the relationship months before and was pushing me to end it. Plus I did not end the relationship per se, I told him I loved him, but could not take his hurting me this way anymore. He was harboring a lot of anger towards me - because while he's been building a company, I've been paying for all our "extras" - and apparently he felt that emasculated him (still not sure what I should have done differently for those 5 years).

 

Rather than tell me he would try, that he didn't realize he was hurting me, or ANYTHING else - he said oh ok bye. So if he is torturing through NC - I'd be stunned and know that it is all his fault.

 

However I am committed to maintaining NC if only for my own sanity. There was a lot of me that got lost over the past year or so - I was always walking on eggshells wondering if he would get mad - now that I realize that - I realize I need to re-find me and move on!

[HeavenOrHell]

It can be really hard for the dumper too, but they will recover more quickly as it was their decision to go therefore they are no longer in love so don't have rejection or heartbreak to deal with.

[hottrotter]

It can be really hard for the dumper too, but they will recover more quickly as it was their decision to go therefore they are no longer in love so don't have rejection or heartbreak to deal with.

 

that reminded me of the song from Night at the Roxbury,

"what is love. Oh baby dont hurt me no more"

hahah

 

On a more serious note;

I agree with your statement.. the dumper seems to be over it before the relationship is even over... or at least that is what my ex told me.

ugh

[CentralJersey]

I guess it all depends on when the dumper actually 'checked out'. I was the dumper a couple of relationships ago and now I was the dumpee. I feel crappy right now, but remember feeling the same way when I was the dumper. Maybe that's because I didnt leave her for another person. The dumper who leaves for someone else will obviously get over it quicker.

[hottrotter]

The dumper who leaves for someone else will obviously get over it quicker.

 

True that.. thats what happened with me.

[CentralJersey]

You gotta realize though...it doesnt matter. While you'd like to think that what you had is hard for both of you to get over, it shouldnt matter if that's the case. I have no idea how my ex is feeling...but knowing that she's upset or knowing that she seems fine wouldnt change what I need to do in terms of moving on.

[mmk1]

I submit the dumper gets over it quicker period, whether they have someone else or not. Moreover, speculating over what your ex is doing or feeling is pure torture for you. You will never know and, unless they are contacting you to get back together, whatever they are doing/thinking is irrelevant.

 

For example, after I got back together once with an ex, I asked her how could she go 2 months with thinking about me (as she had not contacted me in that period of time while we were broke up). Her answer was "How do you know I wasn't?" So, even though I thought her silence meant she was not thinking of me, I was wrong. She was, she was just strong enough not to call me.

 

So, focus on being good to yourself and living your life. Really, that is the only healthy choice you have. You will hopefully see that it will take less than 10 years to find someone new!

[curiousnycgirl]

I submit the dumper gets over it quicker period, whether they have someone else or not. Moreover, speculating over what your ex is doing or feeling is pure torture for you. You will never know and, unless they are contacting you to get back together, whatever they are doing/thinking is irrelevant.

 

For example, after I got back together once with an ex, I asked her how could she go 2 months with thinking about me (as she had not contacted me in that period of time while we were broke up). Her answer was "How do you know I wasn't?" So, even though I thought her silence meant she was not thinking of me, I was wrong. She was, she was just strong enough not to call me.

 

So, focus on being good to yourself and living your life. Really, that is the only healthy choice you have. You will hopefully see that it will take less than 10 years to find someone new!

 

Yup this is all rational, makes perfect sense! Unfortunately my questions, tears and pain or all driven by emotion, so I cannot tell them to shut up and go away.

 

I'm going to continue to wonder how he could hate me so much - I juswt don't freaking deserve it.

 

oh great, here come the tears again.

[HLP234]

The dumper takes less time to get over you, but doesn't mean they are not thinking about you. What bothers you also bothers them, but they can usually go from one person to another and confine in the new one to make them feel better.

 

That's the case with my girl right now. I don't think I can go to another person and just have them make me feel better, i will do it myself because I know I can although its super hard. No point in wasting some one's time just so you can get over someone else.

 

I never pursued her, she came to me after all this time..so why she left and wanted a "break" has nothing to do with what I did...she let her problems from the past affect us which she shouldn't have if she had been over and taken the time to realize herself before this happened.

 

I can sit and wait until someone else comes along, without me having to try but when that happens I will use what I have learned so far to make better decisions.

[skydiveaddict]

The dumper takes less time to get over you, but doesn't mean they are not thinking about you. What bothers you also bothers them, but they can usually go from one person to another and confine in the new one to make them feel better.

.

 

 

 

 

 

i dont agree. the "dumper" has in fact already gotten over you. that is why you got dumped he/she has no more feelings for you. (although women constantly lie about it). they have cute litte excuses like "its not you, it's me" or "i need some space" or " i really love you but..." when in fact they have no feelings for you at all

[curiousnycgirl]

i dont agree. The "dumper" has in fact already gotten over you. That is why you got dumped he/she has no more feelings for you. (although women constantly lie about it). They have cute litte excuses like "its not you, it's me" or "i need some space" or " i really love you but..." when in fact they have no feelings for you at all

 

word! ...........................................................................................

[HLP234]

Which is why I don't get why they do what they do. If it was me, I would be completely honest and say the truth. It would hurt but at least you know you are doing the right thing.

 

The whole its not you its me/space thing is immature. Just do it quickly like a band-aid and move on. They think its letting you down easily but if the same thing were to happen to them they would understand.