curiousnycgirl Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 So here I am on day 11 of NC and I am trying to get my thick head around how this seems to work so effortlessly for him. Our lives were entwined for the better part of 5.5 years. We were in touch at least once every single day in some form (text message, email, im or phone). We shared friends and we shared experiences. 11 days ago I finally said I could not take him hurting me the way he has been - and he aplogized for not being the perosn I wanted, I emailed him once, he emaild back, I emailed a response and that was it. How do you just stop? I just don't know what to do with myself. How do I reconcile myself to this? In the past 5.5 years my friends have found other things to do - they can't be there for me. He filled that gap or perhaps created it in their lives, I'm not sure. Now what? How was he able to just turn it off? Truth is I have no idea what he is going through - but I do know that he's not calling. OMG when does this stop?
Armani Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 he broke up with you right? you need to keep the NC up, you dont know what hes thinking, he may well be thinking about you but i guarantee the moment you start pestering him, he will try distance himself even more! im goin through a similar situation, except he left me for another girl! if it makes you feel any better, hang out with mutual friends, thats what i do, its like being with him without him being there!! probably not the best way to get over him but makes you realise that your not completely lost without him! this site is also another massive help!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Actually I ended it, but I believe he pushed me to it. He'd been treating me horribly for the prior 6 months (that's all I'm willing to admit to). Even the night I ended it - he called to chit chat about our days, tell me about a tv show he had seen that was relevant to our trip and I told him I could not stand acting like things were ok. I will not hang out with our mutual friends, well maybe the ones I knew first - but I tried that this weekend - in fact my friend kept telling me to call - but she never picked up the phone. People suck!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Day 21 and I am no closer to understanding how he could just walk away than I was on day 1, 11 or whatever. I just caught a glimpse of a picture I took of him on our last day of vacation - with his arms wide open, like he was inviting me for a hug with a big smile on his face and I'm bawling. How does he just walk away? And if my friend was right that he checked out a long time ago - how did he continue making plans with me? I've got airfare for both of us to go to Florida in March for a long weekend. To say nothing of the tickets and hotel room I've already paid for 2 weeks in Kentucky in September. If he had "checked out" why did he talk about it all so much, work with me to figure out when/where we would volunteer in October next year? I just can't get my brain or my heart around it.
lemonlegs Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Sometimes I feel like the whole NC thing is BS. I mean, why should we deny our feelings because we have too much pride to talk to someone we care about? I know that sounds stupid, but that's how I feel sometimes. I understand that it does spare some heartache in the end, but sometimes it feels worse NOT talking to them... ugh, I don't even know what I'm saying.
Fitness Dude Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I agree, the NC thing is so counter-intuitive to me, but I'm on day 7 (however, I had another recent long NC period, that was ended by her contacting me) and it's hell. It's not as difficult as when this all first started happening to me, but it's still VERY difficult at times. I also don't understand how someone can spend 5/6 years with someone and then just move on and never contact that person again. It blows me away, but I guess if they have a "new interest" this is what makes it all so much easier for them. I told myself when I got married that I would never "allow" myself down the path to cheating. If I ever got in a situation where I thought there would be temptation, I would immediately steer clear of the whole thing. Obviously, my W didn't feel this same way. Love is difficult, life is challenging, it has to get better.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Sometimes I feel like the whole NC thing is BS. I mean, why should we deny our feelings because we have too much pride to talk to someone we care about? I know that sounds stupid, but that's how I feel sometimes. I understand that it does spare some heartache in the end, but sometimes it feels worse NOT talking to them... ugh, I don't even know what I'm saying. Oh but how will we get over them if we perpetuate things? How will we heal? And how will we feel if we reach out and are rebuffed? Personally I would be humiliated and probably feel way worse than I do now (and that's saying ALOT). I am at the very same place you are - hugs to you!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Love is difficult, life is challenging, it has to get better. OMG from your mouth to G-d's ear! Would it be too much to ask that it get better soon? Because I just keep feeling worse!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Ok so needed to post more. So we know he is a totally self absorbed/sefish person (his best friend since childhood said that - not me) - so how can he let me go? ME who literally gave him everything?! Who asked for so little (and settled for not getting it for 5.5 years!) in return! How could that then be thrown in myself as being bad? How is it possible he doesn't miss me as much or more than I miss him?! I just don't get it
lemonlegs Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 curiousnycgirl, How do you know that he doesn't miss you? Are you basing it soley on the fact that he hasn't tried to contact you? As I mentioned before, it's a pride thing for a lot of people - no matter how much they want to, they can't be the first person to do it. I'm sure he misses you too, it's rare that a person can leave a serious relationship completely unscathed. My ex told me whenever we did talk that people probably get pissed at how he deals with things, because it appears as though he doesn't care because he just doesn't talk about it. Then again, he's a jackass. Basically, everybody handles things differently, and girls are more emotional than guys in most cases. Therefore, he might not calling you crying, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss you!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 curiousnycgirl, How do you know that he doesn't miss you? Are you basing it soley on the fact that he hasn't tried to contact you? As I mentioned before, it's a pride thing for a lot of people - no matter how much they want to, they can't be the first person to do it. I'm sure he misses you too, it's rare that a person can leave a serious relationship completely unscathed. My ex told me whenever we did talk that people probably get pissed at how he deals with things, because it appears as though he doesn't care because he just doesn't talk about it. Then again, he's a jackass. Basically, everybody handles things differently, and girls are more emotional than guys in most cases. Therefore, he might not calling you crying, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss you! You might be right, I don't know. He's been on some web site called Tagged for quite some time apparently - not sure but I think it's a flirting/dating site. When we were on vacation he left his email open and I saw that several women had "Tagged" him. I never confronted him about this, but it certainly makes me think he had already moved on and was just trying to push me to end it by behaving very nastily to me. I guess the proof for me was when I finally said I can't do this anymore, that he was hurting me too much with the way he was treating me, he never apologized for that. He never said he would try to fix it. He never acknowledged that he knew what I wanted and would try to give it to me. He simply said ok and that was it, nothing more. He never made even the slightest attempt to stay - he just accepted that it was over. That's how I know he isn't missing me - cuz he didn't care that it ended.
lemonlegs Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 When I told my ex that strung me along for five months that we shouldn't talk anymore cause I was tired of his games, he simply said "That's fine with me". Wow, did that ever make me feel like sh**. However, sometimes people deal with things like that. Not everyone wants to back down and say, "you're right, I have to change in order to accommodate your needs", and he sounds like one of those people. As for the whole trying to meet someone else, that's natural. Everyone's first instinct when breaking up with someone is, "Damn, I need to find myself a better person to get my mind off my ex", and that's really all it is. Maybe I'm oversimplifying it, but that's really what I believe. I just truly in my heart don't think that there's very many people who are actually completely fine when exiting a relationship.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 As for the whole trying to meet someone else, that's natural. Everyone's first instinct when breaking up with someone is, "Damn, I need to find myself a better person to get my mind off my ex", and that's really all it is. . I would agree with this except we were still very much together when he started on this web site. We were on vacation in Israel when I saw it, had a weekend planned in Florida for March oh AND were registering to volunteer while on vacation planned for Sept/Oct 2010! So he was looking for something better while still theoretically planning a life with me.
lemonlegs Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I would agree with this except we were still very much together when he started on this web site. We were on vacation in Israel when I saw it, had a weekend planned in Florida for March oh AND were registering to volunteer while on vacation planned for Sept/Oct 2010! So he was looking for something better while still theoretically planning a life with me. Well that's a little bit different then. Maybe he did it just for an ego boost? As much as we hate to admit that OUR guys are like that, most guys love getting a nice stroke for their ego, whether it's from an ex, some random girl, etc.
Star Gazer Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 I *think* that he may have moved on before the end officially happened. This makes NC a lot easier.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 I *think* that he may have moved on before the end officially happened. This makes NC a lot easier. A rational person would think that, but I'm an emotional one at the moment!- this just sux.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Well that's a little bit different then. Maybe he did it just for an ego boost? As much as we hate to admit that OUR guys are like that, most guys love getting a nice stroke for their ego, whether it's from an ex, some random girl, etc. I agree and could hang my hat on this thought - but that would be foolish. I need to tell myself he's an a$$ and I am better off without him. But it HURTS! (ooh that was a good whine, wasn't it?!)
singlegirl Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 My BF I believe checked out only 2 weeks before i dumped him...I felt the shift in him...it took me two weeks to realise that the guy I fell in love with was gone and wasn't ever going to come back The reason I keep no contact is that in those two weeks I tried everyhting in my emotional armoury to get him back, to get us back to where we were...Im sure that you guys have done the same for longer...I laid myself out emotionally, bared my soul, professed my love but he was gone... No contact for me is the only sensible way...If he was going to come back he would have done it in the two weeks he had me chasing him... Let go and keep NC for your sanity, forget pride, I don't think that really comes into it. I gave up my pride when I tried to reach him..Now I am left with my dignity and it means more to me than he ever did....I loved him but I love me more Love yourself and feel the pain and learn from it. One day you will see past him without even realising.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 No contact for me is the only sensible way...If he was going to come back he would have done it in the two weeks he had me chasing him... Actually I don't believe this to be true. I think when we chase, they run like the wind. Since my break up I add to that thought that when we make it too easy for them, they run. I am in no contact for two reasons - to heal myself and to get him to miss me so he comes back. By the time he comes back I hope to be healed enough to lay down the law and not let him walk all over me again, like he did (because I allowed it) for 5 of our 5.5 years. If he steps up fine, if not - then I best better be strong enough to show him the door! I finally had this ephiphany today - after I finally finished the crying jag. I realized that yes I do want him back - on my terms though (which hopefully at that point will be OUR terms). So I googled how to get your boyfriend back. Every single site said you need to walk away to get him to come back, chasing does not work. One of the sites also said that it takes men 4-9 weeks of total NC before they will call - typically out of curiousity, to see how you are doing. I thought that was interesting, that means I have 1-6 more weeks to go. We shall see.
Fitness Dude Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 Curious Girl - I noticed you've been a member since 2004? Why have you been a member for so long? Hs this happened to you before? Just curious, that's all.
singlegirl Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 No contact for me is the only sensible way...If he was going to come back he would have done it in the two weeks he had me chasing him... . Chasing was the wrong word. I reached out to him..I never chased him. I meant if he didn't respond when i made myself emotionally available to him why would he now if i contacted him...
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Fitness Guy - Funny you should ask - until my break up a few weeks ago I hadn't realized how long I had been here. In fact I believe I hit on it in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212355/. If you don't want to go there, I'll give you the Reader's Digest verison - my ex and I started having issues only 5 months into the relationship - should have been my huge red flags, but I'm like a pit bull and I was going to stick by him! I've been on and off the whole time though. Not really posting about my relationship, because believe it or not it was pretty good. We didn't fight, had many common interests and overall I just really enjoyed spending time with him regardless of what we were doing. I don't have that many posts under my belt (relatively speaking) because I haven't posted unless I felt I could help. Some of the people who answered my very first thread are still here - Lucrezia Borgia comes to mind. Anyway that's my story in a nutshell. If you don't mind I'll still hang around hopefully this wallowing thing I've been doing will pass soon enough
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 Chasing was the wrong word. I reached out to him..I never chased him. I meant if he didn't respond when i made myself emotionally available to him why would he now if i contacted him... 2 reasons - one because he may come to realize he misses you and had a good thing with you and two because men love to chase.
singlegirl Posted December 22, 2009 Posted December 22, 2009 So if men love to chase ...........use no contact girl I no longer want mine, even if he came here bleeding love I would not take him back
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2009 Author Posted December 22, 2009 So if men love to chase ...........use no contact girl I no longer want mine, even if he came here bleeding love I would not take him back and when I grow up I want to be just like you! I am dumber than you would ever know when it comes to this man!
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