What is happening?

[drew86]

Hi everyone, I'm wondering what some of you think about my situation - it's hard for me to be rational...

 

Background: My ex girlfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me around my birthday 3 months ago. We were in a long-distance relationship during the school year, but we would still see each other at least every other weekend. We were in a LDR last year too while I was away at school and I broke up with her for a couple of months over the holidays due to some pretty serious jealousy issues on her part. We got back together and man, we were both so happy...

 

I'll try and keep it brief, so here it goes:

 

• She broke up with me, said she might have a crush on somebody else, isn't happy, and needs time to think
  
• I find out she has an entirely new circle of friends, including some new guys
  
• She goes out and parties all the time but still promises me she will figure it out
  
• When I'm away, we talk on the phone every day and she tells me she loves me. Last month, she was talking to me about whether I could see us married. We even talked about where we would live when we both graduate.
  
• When I'm home, she flakes out on me. She makes plans with her new friends even though I may only be home for a weekend. Recently, I just got back for the winter break. We made plans to go for a coffee after not seeing each other for 6 weeks... At the last minute she asks if its ok if she brings her friend out who is bummed out about her boyfriend leaving her. It turned into them talking and planning more bar nights. Uncomfortable to say the least.
  
• She still says "don't go find another girl" when I go out, but lately I feel like she's starting to care less
  
• She says things like "When you come home we can work on being the best couple possible again" and "I love you, you're the man I want to spend the rest of my life with"... But when she's with her new friends it's like she forgets me completely and when I'm home I clearly don't get her "prime time"
  
• She has promised me that she doesn't have a crush on anyone anymore, and I really want to believe her
  

I don't understand what is happening. I really want to believe she is thinking hard about us, but she goes out with her new friends all the time and I am left out. She wants me when I'm not there and I have tried to use that to my advantage by being distant and hoping she'll come back to me.

 

The biggest problem is that in this new group is a guy that keeps coming up ALL of time she talks about going out. Last time I was home, we hung out and she sat there texting all night to people including this guy. She doesn't really seem to understand how hurtful that is which surprises me because of how her jealousy has always been a problem between us.

 

There's a lot more detail to the situation but this is the core. She is stringing me on saying we might get back together but that we're just friends. She tells me she loves me but doesn't know if she wants a LDR. I love this girl so much and I've waited 3 months for her...

 

 

What should I do and avoid doing so that I don't spoil my chances with her? She has to give me at least one chance... I've given her so many.

 

Has this happened to any of you? And how did it turn out?

[drew86]

I wake up every day hoping today will be the day she wants to get back together. I can't tell her that this is selfish of her for constantly giving me hope if she just doesn't love me anymore because surely that will just push her farther away.

[madrugada]

I hate to say it, but the chances of you two getting back together don't look good. I don't really do the whole LDR thing anyway, but that's just me.

 

Step back and take a look at what's happening. One, she broke up with you. Two, even when you're together she's not putting you or the relationship first. Three, she keeps leading you on and giving you false hope.

 

If you spend some time reading through these threads, you'll see a common theme in the "I need space," "I need time," "I don't know what I want," excuses people give when they want to explore other options but they don't want to lose you as one of those options.

 

Bottom line is, she wants out. Difficult as it may be, you should let her go. Do what so many on this forum are struggling with and go no contact. Don't call her, don't text her and stop making yourself available for her to keep stringing you along. Focus on you, do things for yourself, move on. If she decides she wants you back, that's her call. But no amount of talk on your part will cause her to make that decision.

 

And no, she doesn't HAVE to give you one chance. If she's already checked out, there is nothing you can do but live your life for yourself.

 

Do yourself a favor and try to meet someone closer. In my experience, LDR's just don't work. People need to be together.

 

Sorry if all this sounds harsh. I know what you're going through is not easy. I've just gone through a breakup myself, and it's been by far the worst two months of my life. These forums help, so keep posting.

[drew86]

I'd rather be given a straight-up opinion no matter how harsh, so thanks. It's hard to keep rational about it but this forum is really helping

[dazzle22]

My guess is you are both quite young? In your 20's? She is dealing with the "I like you but I feel like I will be missing out if I don't see what else is out there, especially because you were in a LDR. LDR's are torment custom made for causing craziness. They just don't work.

 

Don't try to get her back or figure this out. Try to hold relationships more loosely when you are young. Everyone is immature, doesn't know what they want, and don't know how to behave in relationships. And there will be many more women out there for you, if you have the eyes to see, and to see, you must take your eyes off of HER...

[drew86]

Thanks dazzle22, you are right -- I'm 23 and she's 21. I feel extra stupid too because in my first year of university I tried the LDR thing with another girl and that failed horribly yet I didn't learn my lesson apparently. I remember thinking nothing could change us both times. It was brutal when it didn't work out... I took a year off school after that first time.

 

I know what you mean about holding relationships more loosely, that's usually my style and I'm sure I'll get back into it again... It's really tough to have to forget about all the long term plans you make expecting that person to be there with you.

 

Also, I've noticed that writing out what I'm worried about helps a lot.

[dazzle22]

Writing and journaling has been tremendously helpful for me. It is very enlightening to go back a year or two and see what you were struggling with, and whether you have grown and moved on, or are still playing an old record, over and over...

[drew86]

Turns out I was right to be worried about her and this guy. The entire 3 months she spent telling me they were just friends, and that she loved me and wanted to get married one day, she was actually having sex with this person. She told me all she needed was time to work out why she wasn't happy and that over the holidays we could spend lots of time together "and work on getting back to being the best couple ever". This entire time she has been sleeping with this person and lying to my face about it. I don't know how someone could do this to another human being.

 

So...

 

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. "Hate" isn't it. I think it's more disappointment in myself that I let myself believe in something that was so obviously wrong. I am extra hurt from this because my ex new about my last girlfriend before her and how she basically did the exact same thing.

 

She doesn't know I have found out about it yet, but I have stopped answering her messages (it's been a day) and she probably suspects I might.

 

Christmas is coming up and we were supposed to get together and exchange gifts. What do I do? Do I send her a quick text saying "You should probably return whatever you bought for me" or would you word it better? Or do I just go completely NC without letting her know? I'm leaning towards the first choice, then saying goodbye.

 

Man, I think I am trusting to a fault sometimes.

[dazzle22]

That is an unfortunate thing to find out, but all the "noises" she was making, made me suspect that is what she was up to, and she just didn't want to cop to it..

 

You have been making a similar mistake that I have made more times than I care to count in life, and that is that I "assumed" others are as loyal, kind, and honest as I am, and that unfortunately, is NOT true! You trust too quickly. Most people these days have to be put through a fairly long "vetting" process to see if they are worthy of your trust. Many will not be, but you need a number of months with someone to figure that out. Keep your eyes and ears open. People often reveal who they are fairly quickly, we just choose not to see the warning signals if we like them. So don't give your heart quickly to ANYONE anymore!

 

You need to take a careful and unbiased look at their past track record with friendships. I also have made the BAD mistake of when I saw or heard about someone I loved do something calloused or unkind to someone else in the past, or present, to think that I would be the "exception" to the rule. In fact, I was just "next in line" to receive the behavior, I was just too naive and trusting to see it coming.

 

I wouldn't contact her first with that line... then it looks like you are hurt. Let her contact you, and then give a very curt reply, something like, "Hey, I have an idea for our gift exchange.!" Then let her text back and ask "what". Then say something like " Go ahead and give my gift to your new lover, and give me the Xmas gift of getting out of my life forever. Got it?? Good!"

 

! Just an idea...

[drew86]

Hah! I like it. And I really agree with you when you say people ignore those warning signs about a person's past -- I am all too guilty of that. I will definitely be more careful from now on about who I trust and by how much.

 

Thanks for your help!

Edited December 22, 2009 by drew86

[drew86]

Called her out on it. Told her I don't want to hear anymore of her lies.

 

She admitted sleeping with the guy. But apparently it was because I said I was ok with just being friends. Therefore it wasn't technically cheating, silly me!

 

I told her I never want to hear from her again, but I want to yell at her and call her a whore until my lungs give up... But I think it's probably best if I keep my cool and whatever dignity I have. She's already made me look like a huge fool, there is no point to make myself look like an even bigger one.

 

There's no reason for me to pretend on this forum that I am strong enough to cope with this and brush it off. I am so hurt beyond words. I don't want her to know how hurt I am...

[Eisenhower]

Drew, your story is very, very similar to mine, including being in another relationship and lying to me about it to keep me on a string.

 

I sent her an e-mail cooly explaining that I knew about all her lying, etc., and that I could now move on with feelings of sorrow and pain replaced by the overwhelming sense that I dodged a huge bullet, and a lifetime of misery and dishonesty.

 

Of course, she never responded - what could she say? But it felt really good to call her out on her shortcomings as a human being. And of course I was lying when I said I could easily move on now because I'm still in absolute misery and pain, but that will pass, I'm told.

 

Good luck, brother.

 

Eisenhower

[dazzle22]

Well, at least you got her to cop to it. A lot of cheaters try to make the other person look crazy, and just deny, deny, deny...

 

Just lay low and lick your wounds. Life has a way of dealing with such people. I always think about such people, "life will take you by the tail like a little unwanted kitten and bash your brains against the wall" and damn, if I haven't seen it happen a BUNCH of times...She's young...give Life some time to catch up with her...ha! Life deals them a blow more imaginative and harsh than you could have dreamt up. (It generally helps at the point you are at to have some harmless revenge fantasies!)

 

In my first marriage, my best friend and maid of honor tried to cheat with my husband, and he was open to it too. Hurt me terribly.. Well, in her life, she had a still born son, and she died of a horrible aggressive cancer. Now, THAT I would never have wished on her, but life gave her a wicked blow. (I am under no illusions that it happened because of what she did, just that Life can really take anyone down! And it helps if you haven't tempted Karma by being cruel to someone who loved you....)

[drew86]

As mean as it might be to say, when I see how her mom turned out, and when I think about all the reasons I should never have been with her, it's not hard for me to believe that Karma and life will catch up with her. I am so furious that she could try to rationalize what she was doing by saying that it was because I said I'm ok with being friends. Of course I wasn't, I was so in love with her... I told her all the time...

 

I'm sorry you have similar stories, nobody should have to feel this kind of pain. I feel so used because I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt when all the red flags were there. I wish more than anything she couldn't rationalize what she did so that she had to feel the pain I do...

 

I keep coming close to writing her an email but I think it would be better if she just had to stew about it on her own and live with the guilt (hopefully!). I spent the morning texting her and it is too soon to break no-contact haha... It hurts so much:(