husbands 24 year affair

[Sal Paradise]

I haven't told him yet because I am still worried about the possible consequences for my family. Even though my husband has moved out I don't want him turning up on my door looking for him. Also my daughter is going to have a baby in a few weeks and I wouldn't want her to have the worry of something happening to her dad. I may wait until after the baby is born and then tell him. I also think my head will be clearer then because I want to tell him in the right frame of mind. At the moment I am so hurt and confused that it may be too emotional for me to deal with.

 

 

Sounds like you're falling right into the trap that the OW and your husband set. She made you scared of her husbands reaction and now you're waiting. There is never going to be a perfect time to tell him. You will always find an excuse to wait a little longer.

 

It will be easy for them to pick the affair right back up if you don't expose. Also the other man has a right to know. What if she sleeps with another man (besides your husband) and takes home an STD to her husband? That is much more likely than him acting violently toward your husband.

 

I also don't see how exposing it to her husband will make it any more emotionally painful than it already is. What will make it more painful is if the affair continues. Without exposure you can almost guarantee that at some point it will pick back up. They've been doing it for 24 years, don't think for a minute that they will just stop because you found out.

Edited December 17, 2009 by Sal Paradise

[pureinheart]

I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband. He has a very high powered job with the local council so I don't think he would jeopardise that. I think he deserves to know but don't know what to do. I have also seen photos of him on the internet and he does look quite mean. I think they should both take the consequences and don't think its right that I have to have all this trauma while she gets off scott free. Also went to her house and saw that all the xmas decorations are up while I am on my own. Doesnt seem fair but if he is taht volatile do I want to inflict that on my husband even though he has done wrong.

 

It sounds like everyone is playing with fire here....you have the power to ruin both of them. Power in the wrong hands, or used incorrectly can be deadly and in the past has ruined nations.

 

In the past I have also had the power to ruin many peoples lives and I have never chosen to use that power, even though I was the one getting the brunt of everything.

 

Personally I think your dealings are with your H....cheating is a very loud and clear message...It says to me....you are not mature enough to know what love actually is, you do not respect me and you do not deserve me.

 

I see cheating as a very cowardly act and there is no excuse for it as the H or W could simply leave the M.

 

I am hearing a hint of seeking revenge in the form of telling her H....and believe me I understand, although it is not your place to play God....God allowed you to find out, now the question is is what to do about your life and M....you have enough on your plate without creating any more drama....if God wants her H to know He will tell him.

 

So many days I have sat alone, hurting over various injustices and I knew deep down I had to suck it up and not seek any revenge and let God do all of my vindicating.....spend your time working on you and what is best for you.....GBU

[richardson]

my priority at the moment is finding out the truth which I dont think I have yet. I think the only way I am going to get it is with the threat of me telling her husband so I am going to keep working on that for the moment. Somehow I have to trick her into thinking that my H has revealed all so that she will have to. I have a horrible feeling that there is more to this than I am being told. I still don't believe that people would have affairs where they only saw each other 3 times a year then it suddenly escalates to getting a flat for sex once or twice a week. I think they always saw each other and kept in touch and I need to know if that is the case. Do other people get obsesses with the detail of everything. In some ways I think I should let it go and just deal with what I do know but I can't seem to until I think I know everything, no matter how painfull. It is far more painfull feeling lied to every day.

[pureinheart]

I do need to speak my mind...I left a reply (it takes me a long time because I try to think out every word the best I can, also my typing needs correcting constantly) and in the time many replied....my heart was hurt to see that all responses say to tell him and there were many reasons as to "why"....some to me were quite paranoid.

 

I think of Jackie O and the class that she is noted for and also went down in history for...there is no classier lady in my eyes and if I could have just a bit of her class....omg.

 

Jackie never once disgraced her H in public, she kept all of her feelings within the confines of trusted friends, and very few I might add....and Jack deserved to be disgraced...in fact don't we all....hummm, let's see can any of us throw the first stone....no we cannot.

 

Jackie is a perfect example for all of us women and especially me as I have been hurt also very deeply and would love to destroy those who have hurt me....but I cannot.

 

I realise that some of you do not understand the severity of this type of information, although there are people out there that do play for keeps, and it is potentially explosive situations like these that make this real.

 

Twenty Four years of cheating and neither spouse knew???

[pureinheart]

my priority at the moment is finding out the truth which I dont think I have yet. I think the only way I am going to get it is with the threat of me telling her husband so I am going to keep working on that for the moment. Somehow I have to trick her into thinking that my H has revealed all so that she will have to. I have a horrible feeling that there is more to this than I am being told. I still don't believe that people would have affairs where they only saw each other 3 times a year then it suddenly escalates to getting a flat for sex once or twice a week. I think they always saw each other and kept in touch and I need to know if that is the case. Do other people get obsesses with the detail of everything. In some ways I think I should let it go and just deal with what I do know but I can't seem to until I think I know everything, no matter how painfull. It is far more painfull feeling lied to every day.

 

Cheating is such a cowardly act, and I am so sorry this is happening to you....but it doesnot mean that there is something wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with you.

 

Betrayal....I always feel reactive, and I think there must be something wrong with me...I had to have done something to cause this....I did nothing. Could this be why we seek the truth?

 

I did not want to believe that I was being abused, although as I searched for the truth of why I was being treated so poorly, the truth was is that he was abusing me emotionally. Then I wanted details as to how this was taking place....bottom line...he was sick.

 

I wanted so much to blame myself, he blamed me as others did also...it was not me, it was his cowardice....ahhh yes I found the truth, he is a liar/abuser.

 

Ok, now equipped with the truth how do I go on, how do I deal with the broken heart and dreams, dreams that were a lie that never transpired. How do I deal with the incredible damage that this man has caused. Not to mention it being the holidays and I have already been through more in 1 year than most experience in an entire lifetime....it seems cruel and unfair and there were a couple of times I felt so hopeless that I considered taking my own life.

 

Your H mostlikely will not change, he is who he is and after you have reflected and have seen his indifference towards you, I think there is only one solution for you unless you can shut your feelings/emotions off and live your life with him, but actually without him. It is whatever is best for you and I am speaking financially too.

 

More information will not get you more money as today this world actually condones cheating.

 

Please do not be unwise concerning the finances....please protect yourself....I know this sounds cold after the lose you are experiencing....please know that I am not trying to be insensitive, although my ex totally screwed his ex and she did not even know he had that much money stashed and she should have....and there were ways that she could have exposed the truth, although she was very ignorant where money is concerned and how to track it....

 

Cheating is so cowardly

[2sunny]

the person that may be able to fill in the gaps is OW husband. yes, he may know more than you know - or have answers to questions you won't get from your H. if nothing else, you two can piece two and two together to see what the truth MAY look like from your perspective.

 

he may have answers you would never expect to ever get. he's got her timeline and absences which i'm sure of wonder as well.

[Angel1111]

Jackie is a perfect example for all of us women and especially me as I have been hurt also very deeply and would love to destroy those who have hurt me....but I cannot.

 

I realise that some of you do not understand the severity of this type of information, although there are people out there that do play for keeps, and it is potentially explosive situations like these that make this real.

 

I don't think class or being out to destroy someone is really the issue here. If your spouse was cheating, wouldn't you want to know this information? I mean, you don't want to know, but if someone else knows and doesn't tell you, wouldn't that piss you off?

 

I think what people are saying is that the ones who cheated are doing everything in their power to protect themselves and the OW is lying to richardson so that she won't tell. The OW's husband needs to know this information. It's not fair to anyone to not be told something so important.

[Angel1111]

my priority at the moment is finding out the truth which I dont think I have yet. I think the only way I am going to get it is with the threat of me telling her husband so I am going to keep working on that for the moment. Somehow I have to trick her into thinking that my H has revealed all so that she will have to. I have a horrible feeling that there is more to this than I am being told. I still don't believe that people would have affairs where they only saw each other 3 times a year then it suddenly escalates to getting a flat for sex once or twice a week. I think they always saw each other and kept in touch and I need to know if that is the case. Do other people get obsesses with the detail of everything. In some ways I think I should let it go and just deal with what I do know but I can't seem to until I think I know everything, no matter how painfull. It is far more painfull feeling lied to every day.

 

I'm sure there is plenty to this that you haven't been told. You're obsessed with the details because you want to know the exact extent of the lies. That's very normal and understandable. Unfortunately, I don't think you're ever going to get the truth from either of them.

[bittersweet memories]

it seems that everyone is of the same opinion that there is no way back from such deceipt. My husband is full of remorse and saying he wants to do anything to keep together. Has anyone forgiven a partner and enjoyed a trusting relationship afterwards.

 

I am questioning myself as well. I am a strong woman who is quite capable of being self sufficient financially and socially. I would normally be in the midst of everything whilst my husband would tend to be in the background. That is not to say that he is not good company because he is, but he would rather let other people organise things. The OW seems much more insecure in herself than me so maybe my H felt powerful in some sense. My H is also not a blokes bloke at all and has not got many males friends. He tends to rely on me to develop friendships. Maybe I overpower him to some extent and this was his way of having his own power I am so confused and would love to believe him but can't. How can you carry on so long and only see each other a few times a year.

 

I don't believe he is being completly honest with you and there is more to this story. You also seem to be making excuses for him. I understand you've been married to this man sooo many years. Its not easy to get up and leave. You've invested so much time/energy into this. So I don't blame you.

 

I think you should do what your heart tells you to do. If you want to give him a chance then do it and see where it leads you. If things don't work out atleast you know you gave it a shot. I don't believe your marriage will ever be the same. I do wish you the best!

[Angel1111]

richardson, I think that if you take him back, the rules would have to change drastically. First of all, he'd have to let you know exactly where he is at all times. His email, facebook, cell phone, online accounts, whatever, would be an open book to you at all times from this day forward. If he creates any new email accounts or gets a separate cell phone and talks to the OW in any way, shape or form, tell him that you'll file for divorce immediately and won't ask questions. And the checking account would be set up so that he could not write any checks without your signature. All money going in and out must be accounted for.

 

Then treat him like a distant acquaintence who has moved into your house. It will be a long time before trust and intimacy return, if ever. Honestly, it's doubtful that you'll ever trust him again because of the level of deceit in this case. But if you take him back on those terms, then the life the two of you shared together would be loosely intact once again. Also, if you do take him back, I recommend that the two of you go to a therapist for about a month or so because they have excellent ideas as to how to re-build relationships.

 

But, as a caveat, don't be too anxious to go down this road until you let the full impact of what he did settle in your mind and heart. Only then can you make a good decision.

[stillafool]

I do need to speak my mind...I left a reply (it takes me a long time because I try to think out every word the best I can, also my typing needs correcting constantly) and in the time many replied....my heart was hurt to see that all responses say to tell him and there were many reasons as to "why"....some to me were quite paranoid.

 

I think of Jackie O and the class that she is noted for and also went down in history for...there is no classier lady in my eyes and if I could have just a bit of her class....omg.

 

Jackie never once disgraced her H in public, she kept all of her feelings within the confines of trusted friends, and very few I might add....and Jack deserved to be disgraced...in fact don't we all....hummm, let's see can any of us throw the first stone....no we cannot.

 

Jackie is a perfect example for all of us women and especially me as I have been hurt also very deeply and would love to destroy those who have hurt me....but I cannot.

 

I realise that some of you do not understand the severity of this type of information, although there are people out there that do play for keeps, and it is potentially explosive situations like these that make this real.

 

Twenty Four years of cheating and neither spouse knew???

 

 

I hear what you are saying but Jackie was the first lady, she had to keep quiet and especially in those days. Richardson does not have that problem. Also it is not revenge to go to OW h and tell him what she has discovered. She is THE VICTIM and so is he. She sounds like she wants to work out her marriage and therefore needs inform this man so the affair will hopefully end. I can almost guarantee it will end once he finds out but I don't think things will ever be the same between you two again.

[Lizzie60]

Richardson.. I've read the thread.. and I'm stunned that people are pressuring you to tell her H...

 

Don't .. not now.. like you said... wait till your head is clear and you can think rationally... you don't want to be sorry or do it all wrong..

 

Take the time you need.. there is no rush.. you were living in this lie for 24 years.. what's another few months or more..

 

You seem like a strong and very smart woman.. ONLY you know when is the right time.. go with your instinct..

 

Nobody will run away...

[bittersweet memories]

Richardson.. I've read the thread.. and I'm stunned that people are pressuring you to tell her H...

 

Don't .. not now.. like you said... wait till your head is clear and you can think rationally... you don't want to be sorry or do it all wrong..

 

Take the time you need.. there is no rush.. you were living in this lie for 24 years.. what's another few months or more..

 

You seem like a strong and very smart woman.. ONLY you know when is the right time.. go with your instinct..

 

Nobody will run away...

 

I totally agree.. excellent advice.

[NoIDidn't]

my priority at the moment is finding out the truth which I dont think I have yet. I think the only way I am going to get it is with the threat of me telling her husband so I am going to keep working on that for the moment. Somehow I have to trick her into thinking that my H has revealed all so that she will have to. I have a horrible feeling that there is more to this than I am being told. I still don't believe that people would have affairs where they only saw each other 3 times a year then it suddenly escalates to getting a flat for sex once or twice a week. I think they always saw each other and kept in touch and I need to know if that is the case. Do other people get obsesses with the detail of everything. In some ways I think I should let it go and just deal with what I do know but I can't seem to until I think I know everything, no matter how painfull. It is far more painfull feeling lied to every day.

 

I understand where you are going but I can tell you that you will NEVER have the *truth*, all you will have is FACTS.

 

And those facts are what her H need to know.

 

I do apologize for the urgency in my posts. Its just that I know that the longer you sit on this information, the more harm they are allowed to plan in the background.

 

All he needs are facts, and you have facts. The duration, the flat, the sex. Those are the facts that he does not have and you do. This is all he needs to know to start making his own inquiries into the elusive *truth*.

[pureinheart]

I don't think class or being out to destroy someone is really the issue here. If your spouse was cheating, wouldn't you want to know this information? I mean, you don't want to know, but if someone else knows and doesn't tell you, wouldn't that piss you off?

 

I think what people are saying is that the ones who cheated are doing everything in their power to protect themselves and the OW is lying to richardson so that she won't tell. The OW's husband needs to know this information. It's not fair to anyone to not be told something so important.

 

Hi Angel...

My exH was cheating on me with a neighbor, I did not tell her H as it was not my place, it is up to his W to tell him...I dealt with my own situation...nobody had to tell me anything about them cheating, I knew and confronted my ex...I did not "police" my ex in any way, I just know things.

 

The people I "grew up with" had some very strict rules....as a young adult you did not make a spectical of yourself, when you partied you did not use more than you could handle (meaning falling all over the place drawing attention), you kept a low profile at all times, not being loud or obnoxious.....and above all snitching ....well....you kept your mouth shut not running it, nor acting unbecoming...

 

In my opinion richardson has enough to be concerned with....and as far as seeking truth....ok....what more truth is there to see/find? Her H is a cheater/liar....sure he may not cheat again, although richardson will find herself possibly policing his every move due to lack of trust. Will she ever trust him again? Mostlikely not.

 

She said her H was 58, she is somewhere in that age range....life is too short to spend possibly policing this man, or not trusting him.

 

I was disappointed to see some of the advice as the focus should be on her healing....getting immediate professional help, also seeking an attorney to see where she stands financially...her H is a liar and was good at it so I would be checking out finances instead of worrying about the H of the W of the WH....

 

In her situation I would have not said a word and would have gotten my hands on as much money as possible, selling assets.....oh ya....I can guarantee you this guy has a stash....a big one

 

During situations such as these it is very easy to think on an emotional level....feelings/emotions are deceptive....

 

I have learned that I can live without a H or b/f....I can't live without my kids or grandkids...her daughter is having a baby so let him have his A....let them have each other, they deserve one another....I would rather have my new grandbaby!!!!!!!

[pureinheart]

richardson, I think that if you take him back, the rules would have to change drastically. First of all, he'd have to let you know exactly where he is at all times. His email, facebook, cell phone, online accounts, whatever, would be an open book to you at all times from this day forward. If he creates any new email accounts or gets a separate cell phone and talks to the OW in any way, shape or form, tell him that you'll file for divorce immediately and won't ask questions. And the checking account would be set up so that he could not write any checks without your signature. All money going in and out must be accounted for.

 

Then treat him like a distant acquaintence who has moved into your house. It will be a long time before trust and intimacy return, if ever. Honestly, it's doubtful that you'll ever trust him again because of the level of deceit in this case. But if you take him back on those terms, then the life the two of you shared together would be loosely intact once again. Also, if you do take him back, I recommend that the two of you go to a therapist for about a month or so because they have excellent ideas as to how to re-build relationships.

 

But, as a caveat, don't be too anxious to go down this road until you let the full impact of what he did settle in your mind and heart. Only then can you make a good decision.

 

Sorry Angel...in my last reply I did not see that you had talked about getting professional help.

 

I have to say though it could take years of professional help for both of them....this man has lived a lie for at the very least 24 yrs, and she has lived it with him. There are some very deep rooted issues.

 

Also policing him is no way to live....if he's gonna cheat, he will....it is impossible to police him 24-7.....and my God who would want to spend precious time on that and actually that would turn richardson into a control freak, which I am sure that is the last thing she wants.

[Angel1111]

Sorry Angel...in my last reply I did not see that you had talked about getting professional help.

 

I have to say though it could take years of professional help for both of them....this man has lived a lie for at the very least 24 yrs, and she has lived it with him. There are some very deep rooted issues.

 

Also policing him is no way to live....if he's gonna cheat, he will....it is impossible to police him 24-7.....and my God who would want to spend precious time on that and actually that would turn richardson into a control freak, which I am sure that is the last thing she wants.

 

Right. But I wasn't talking about what you would do, or what I would do. If you want to talk about that, I can tell you I wouldn't blink an eye - and I'd divorce his sorry butt so fast it would make his head swim. The life they had has been destroyed and he did that. Actually, one could even argue that the life they had never really existed. He'd be lucky to be left with the shirt on his back after I was done with him.

 

But I don't always give advice based on what I would do, or what I think the person should do. I'm not in her shoes and I have not spent the majority of my adult life with any particular man so I can't really put myself fully in her place. She's in a place where she's exploring the idea of taking him back, and that needs to be looked at realistically. She wants to put it all back together again because this is bascially the only life she has known. Plus, she's used to babying her H and he's acting like a child - all upset and wanting to come home (i.e., not wanting to deal with the consequeces of his actions).

 

But do I believe that it'll ever be the same or that she'll ever trust him? No. Nor will he end the affair - he will always find a way to be in contact with the OW, even if his W keeps him on a short leash (which she'll get sick of). Her H and the OW have too much history and this situation has probably bonded them even tighter. That's why I suggested that she let it really sink in before she acts because she will most likely reach that point where she finally realizes the full impact of what he has done, the total betrayal.

[dazzle22]

To me this situation sounds more like bigamy than an affair. Both of the betrayers have set up a "second life" that their spouses did not know of. I think Richardson already suspects it is more that what they are admitting to by her comments about there being "something more'. I think there is something more than just an "affair".

[jnj express]

Hey R. You are making excuses. You know enuff already. You have been 2nd best for 24 yrs, or you can put it like this, if they didn't love each other, then it was like your H. was going to a prostitute for 24 years. Take it any way you want, IMHO I would have filed for D. by now. How do you get over a 24 yr. A.

 

No matter what the other H. deserves to know immediately, so he can put his life straight. Actually the 2 of you might end up working together and come up with answers and info, you would not have gotten by yourself.

 

You are going to do what you want, but you certainly do need to do something, and it needs to be strong medicine.

[stillafool]

To me this situation sounds more like bigamy than an affair.

 

I'm thinking the same thing. A casual affair or fling does not last 24 years. Especially that these two are so close that all they need is an empty room with a blanket on the floor?

[richardson]

god how stupid am I. Its been a year now almost to the day and although I've been very uneasy and suspicious I thought we were getting back on track. I have often thought that they still would have had some communication because she would have wanted to know what was going on because shes terrified of me telling her husband. I have asked my husband if he still had the phone that he used but he denied it. For the past few months I have been feeling very uneasy again and found the phone in his car yesterday. The text messages between them were very intimate. He saying he is missing her and her telling him that she will be there when he is ready. Surely it was only a matter of time before they met up again. I confronted him and he said it was only texting and didn't mean anything. I phoned her husband immediately and told him everything so theres no going back now. Should have done it a year ago and maybe my marriage might have survived but no way now. Weird thing is her husband didn't want to know that much about details and said he would phone me in a few days but I've heard nothing. I wanted to know everything and still do but I suppose he is still in shock as I was a year ago. The overall opinion when I went onto the forum a year ago was that I should tell her husband and I wished I had followed that advice. If he wants to be with her good luck to him. Lifes to short

[eeyore1981]

god how stupid am I. Its been a year now almost to the day and although I've been very uneasy and suspicious I thought we were getting back on track. I have often thought that they still would have had some communication because she would have wanted to know what was going on because shes terrified of me telling her husband. I have asked my husband if he still had the phone that he used but he denied it. For the past few months I have been feeling very uneasy again and found the phone in his car yesterday. The text messages between them were very intimate. He saying he is missing her and her telling him that she will be there when he is ready. Surely it was only a matter of time before they met up again. I confronted him and he said it was only texting and didn't mean anything. I phoned her husband immediately and told him everything so theres no going back now. Should have done it a year ago and maybe my marriage might have survived but no way now. Weird thing is her husband didn't want to know that much about details and said he would phone me in a few days but I've heard nothing. I wanted to know everything and still do but I suppose he is still in shock as I was a year ago. The overall opinion when I went onto the forum a year ago was that I should tell her husband and I wished I had followed that advice. If he wants to be with her good luck to him. Lifes to short

 

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Don't be so hard on yourself, finding out what you did a year ago is very traumatic, and of course you wanted to see it in the best light possible.

 

Life is too short for this crap, keep hanging on to that. Get an attorney and find out your options. Don't let your H gaslight you anymore. Good luck.

[Spark1111]

richardson, I am so sorry for you.

 

But that is the main reason people are advised to expose the affair to loved ones, family, friends and the partners of the AP.

 

Affairs thrive and re-kindle in secret.

 

I wish you peace.

[Angel1111]

Wow, I can't believe that much time has passed. I remember your situation, Richardson. I'm so sorry that things didn't work out. But now you've had a lot more time to absorb all of this and deal with it on a different level. I think you were in shock at first which is very understandable. Sometimes that's the only way we can deal with such devastating news. We just can't take it in all at once. I didn't believe that he would stop seeing or talking to the OW because it rarely happens that way. I guess expecting honesty out of him after lying to you for so long is just too much of a stretch. Again, I'm sorry. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you're doing ok.

[stillafool]

Richardson I am so sorry that things didn't improve for you also. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.