Author richardson Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 Thankyou for all your comments. It helps to have opinions from people who have gone through similar experiences. I feel stronger every day and it was a positive step to meet her yesterday and take some control of my life back. I think her husband has the right to know and they will both have to suffer the consequences. She was crying yesterday when I talked about telling him and saying how upsetting it would be for her children. Well my children are already upset and have lost all respect for their father so that really has made my mind up. The other thing that I forgot to say was that I found a phone 10 months ago in my husbands pocket and took it into him to ask him about it. He snatched it from me and ran out of the house. His behaviour then told me that something was goiing on but it was about 6 weeks before my duaghters wedding so it was really difficult to pursue anything then. I told him then that I didn't want him to come back untill I knew what was going on and he came back with a cock and bull story which I felt I had to accept so as not to destroy the wedding. After the wedding my daughter announed that she was pregnant so its been really hard to pin him down since. Meanwhile we all noticed his increasingly stressed behaviour. What is really upsetting me is that he could have stopped it then and probably never been found out but he chose not to and went on and put another 6 months rent down on the flat. I feel such a mug for not pursuing it then.
Brightmoon Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Thankyou for all your comments. It helps to have opinions from people who have gone through similar experiences. I feel stronger every day and it was a positive step to meet her yesterday and take some control of my life back. I think her husband has the right to know and they will both have to suffer the consequences. She was crying yesterday when I talked about telling him and saying how upsetting it would be for her children. Well my children are already upset and have lost all respect for their father so that really has made my mind up. The other thing that I forgot to say was that I found a phone 10 months ago in my husbands pocket and took it into him to ask him about it. He snatched it from me and ran out of the house. His behaviour then told me that something was goiing on but it was about 6 weeks before my duaghters wedding so it was really difficult to pursue anything then. I told him then that I didn't want him to come back untill I knew what was going on and he came back with a cock and bull story which I felt I had to accept so as not to destroy the wedding. After the wedding my daughter announed that she was pregnant so its been really hard to pin him down since. Meanwhile we all noticed his increasingly stressed behaviour. What is really upsetting me is that he could have stopped it then and probably never been found out but he chose not to and went on and put another 6 months rent down on the flat. I feel such a mug for not pursuing it then. You had a lot on your plate back then. It's probably just as well that this came out a bit later. You are doing incredibly well. It's good you feel more in control and that you have the support of your children. *hugs*
stillafool Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband. He has a very high powered job with the local council so I don't think he would jeopardise that. I think he deserves to know but don't know what to do. I have also seen photos of him on the internet and he does look quite mean. I think they should both take the consequences and don't think its right that I have to have all this trauma while she gets off scott free. Also went to her house and saw that all the xmas decorations are up while I am on my own. Doesnt seem fair but if he is taht volatile do I want to inflict that on my husband even though he has done wrong. Don't believe her she is trying to save her arse. If he is a high powered so and so he will not want the pubilicity of his wife having an affair on him. Tell him that his wife told you he was highly volatile and you don't want him to cause you and your h anymore trouble but you wanted him to know what was going on and could he make his wife keep her panties on when she's around your husband. Tell him anything he does to your H will affect your life too and you have already been through enough. If you ask me your H deserves to have his a$$ kicked.
stillafool Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Thankyou for all your comments. It helps to have opinions from people who have gone through similar experiences. I feel stronger every day and it was a positive step to meet her yesterday and take some control of my life back. I think her husband has the right to know and they will both have to suffer the consequences. She was crying yesterday when I talked about telling him and saying how upsetting it would be for her children. Well my children are already upset and have lost all respect for their father so that really has made my mind up. The other thing that I forgot to say was that I found a phone 10 months ago in my husbands pocket and took it into him to ask him about it. He snatched it from me and ran out of the house. His behaviour then told me that something was goiing on but it was about 6 weeks before my duaghters wedding so it was really difficult to pursue anything then. I told him then that I didn't want him to come back untill I knew what was going on and he came back with a cock and bull story which I felt I had to accept so as not to destroy the wedding. After the wedding my daughter announed that she was pregnant so its been really hard to pin him down since. Meanwhile we all noticed his increasingly stressed behaviour. What is really upsetting me is that he could have stopped it then and probably never been found out but he chose not to and went on and put another 6 months rent down on the flat. I feel such a mug for not pursuing it then. She has a lot of nerve crying and begging after 24 years of screwing "your husband"? She thinks you owe her something? If she were any kind of a woman she would go to her h now and tell him what she has been doing. She is still only thinking about herself and expects you to help keep her dirty secret in the dark. This woman has some damn nerve. I would tell him today. They are not going to let each other go after 24 years. If they could they would have by now. Don't trust them.
imagine Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I think her husband has the right to know and they will both have to suffer the consequences. Sadly, if you told her that you are going to tell, this gives her time to put a spin on it. Have proof. Tell everyone that needs to know. More folk are involved in protecting your marriage.
Author richardson Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 it seems that everyone is of the same opinion that there is no way back from such deceipt. My husband is full of remorse and saying he wants to do anything to keep together. Has anyone forgiven a partner and enjoyed a trusting relationship afterwards. I am questioning myself as well. I am a strong woman who is quite capable of being self sufficient financially and socially. I would normally be in the midst of everything whilst my husband would tend to be in the background. That is not to say that he is not good company because he is, but he would rather let other people organise things. The OW seems much more insecure in herself than me so maybe my H felt powerful in some sense. My H is also not a blokes bloke at all and has not got many males friends. He tends to rely on me to develop friendships. Maybe I overpower him to some extent and this was his way of having his own power I am so confused and would love to believe him but can't. How can you carry on so long and only see each other a few times a year.
NoIDidn't Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Richardson I am so sorry that you are experiencing this fallout right now. I agree with everyone else about her tears and her story of her husband being "volatile". That's just a cover for "please don't tell my husband and make this affect MY marriage too". Don't start questioning yourself at this point. Don't give in to the temptation to make his 24-year-long affair your problem. He kept it going for so long because of something missing in HIM not in you. I think its horrible that he snatched the phone from you and ran out. That phone is part of your proof to submit to her H. And do tell him sooner than later. That way, she'll have less time to contact your husband as she'll be dealing with her own husband and children. And with an affair of this duration, her H will have lots of questions about the affair and about his own children. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can honestly say that you can go through this and recover your marriage, but you will never recover the level of trust you once had in your spouse. It can turn into a more realistic trust, or it will always be adversarial. And after being deceived for this long, I wouldn't blame you for having the latter towards him. (((richardson)))
Angel1111 Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Whether you can forgive this monumental lie or not is up to you. But you need to immediately get out of the mode of blaming yourself. Maybe your marriage wasn't the greatest and maybe the two of you aren't even that compatible. But none of that means that you haven't been deceived in the most unbelievable way and whether the marriage was good, bad or indifferent, he HAD to know that if this betrayal ever came to light, then he would have to pay the price, and deal with the consequences. You should not ever take responsibility for what he chose to do year after year; nor should you try to deflect or soften the blow for him. Stop acting like his mother because he's not a little boy, and he did what he did with absolute understanding of the potential consequences. It doesn't matter what you ultimately do - forgive, not forgive, whatever - but it does matter that you let him take on the full consequences of his actions. If you feel like you want this to work out, then do what you think is best for yourself. But just know that you're probably never going to trust him again, and you have no reason to. If you're ok with that, then take him back. I can totally understand how a 29 yr marriage has many, many sides to it. This is one of them - he's not who you thought he was - but he's still your spouse, he's still the father of your children, and he has been a part of your life for a long, long time. So, yeah, it's a really tough decision. I say just give yourself time to take all of this in before you do anything decisive.
2sunny Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 He tends to rely on me to develop friendships. Maybe I overpower him to some extent and this was his way of having his own power I am so confused and would love to believe him but can't. How can you carry on so long and only see each other a few times a year. no he doesn't depend on you to develop friendships - he develops some which he just keeps secret from you. believe me, he does fine on his own. you can't believe him because he's not shown by his actions that he's trustworthy. HIS actions show he's willing to cover up - knowing it would hurt you - or he wouldn't have continued so long without change or remorse. he also had the chance to change things when you found the phone and didn't change at all - in fact he rented for another six months! that shows intent to carry on for the long haul... IMHO and experience - he shows he's only sorry he's gotten caught! in fact - so does his OW show the same actions. his OW has some big balls crying to YOU!!!!! are you kidding? she purposely made your marriage a farce and a lie and cries to you? i'd have to say something i never say here... you deserve to make her life a living hell... in fact, same goes to your husband. i'd kick him out so fast and take him for everything you can... go on - live a happy life without the worry of betrayal on a daily basis. give both of them no satisfaction in making this easier... 24+ years of deceit and they both expect YOU to act like it's all fine? give me a frigging break! EXPOSE EVERYTHING you can... and don't feel a bit bad about the fact that THEY created it and are only getting what they continually set themselves up for every time they wanted to be intimate. do not second guess that this may be your fault - it is their fault and they should be the ones to suffer the consequences of their actions. go tell her H today. the sooner, the better. then you have less on your mind. in fact, pack his stuff too and set it out in the yard. change the locks and move money into your own name without telling him. make lots of room in the house for a brand new life that will make you completely happy, all on your own. there will be no worry about a man who betrays you at every turn for the rest of your days. to be on your own is very freeing when it eliminates all the wonder that goes along with betrayal at this level. if he asks why you won't consider the future with him - you can simply tell him it involves one simple word "BETRAYAL." for me, after 20 years of marriage and a great life, i figured my integrity and self worth was way more than the worry of someone that was SUPPOSED to love me would be willing to take me down behind my back.
stillafool Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 it seems that everyone is of the same opinion that there is no way back from such deceipt. My husband is full of remorse and saying he wants to do anything to keep together. Has anyone forgiven a partner and enjoyed a trusting relationship afterwards. I am questioning myself as well. I am a strong woman who is quite capable of being self sufficient financially and socially. I would normally be in the midst of everything whilst my husband would tend to be in the background. That is not to say that he is not good company because he is, but he would rather let other people organise things. The OW seems much more insecure in herself than me so maybe my H felt powerful in some sense. My H is also not a blokes bloke at all and has not got many males friends. He tends to rely on me to develop friendships. Maybe I overpower him to some extent and this was his way of having his own power I am so confused and would love to believe him but can't. How can you carry on so long and only see each other a few times a year. Stop blaming yourself for his mistakes. Another reason to tell her husband is it will make him put her under a microscope and she will be too afraid to contact your h at first but I'm afraid neither you nor her h is going to keep them apart. If you want a chance at their affair stopping you are going to have to contact her h for help. If you don't tell him they are going to keep treating you like a chump.
stillafool Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I forgot to ask but did they know each other before you two married? Was she dating him also and he chose to marry you?
Author richardson Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I had been going out with my husband for 3 years before we married. During that period my H was working very long hours and we didn't have a lot of time together. We drifted apart a bit and I would go out socially with my sister and friends. I ended up sleeping with a friend twice and my husband found out. We split up for 6 months because of this. It was during this period that my husband met this OW. They were seeing each other for a couple of months before we got back together. After a few months of us being back together I found out I was pregnant. She had been married for a couple of years when she went out with my husband and she says that she finished it because she wanted to make things work with her husband. He also says that it finished because he was back together with me. Maybe it never finished.
JaneDoe35 Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Tell her husband everything you know, everything. Don't wait, don't let her make you scared to tell him. It is all just more lies. I was given the advice to expose (from people here on LS) and I waited too long. I didn't tell straight away as they made me worried about my husband's career etc. I regret not telling him sooner. They will say ANYTHING to try and stop you from exposing them both. Find him and tell him now. Don't give them any warning. Just wake up tomorrow and go and do it. In regards to the pain you are enduring.....oh my god, I really feel for you. This is the ultimate betrayal. But who knows what the future holds??? Act quickly and no matter which way it goes you will be in control now.
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 "I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband." Lies OW tell to keep you from telling the OWH. She doe not want her BH to do anything to stop her from having her affair with your WH. So expose, now. Also why did you wait to tell us that you were a WGF years ago? How did your BH find out? How did you feel about your cheating then, and now? I bet your BH went after OW to get even with you and kept it going just for the revenge factor. You both need to figure out why you both cheated and what was needed to heal from your affair and H's affair. For it is plain that BH/WH never healed from yours.
Author richardson Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 it is only in the last couple of weeks that the extent of the affair has become apparent. I was first told that it had only been going on for a year, then 5 years, and now 24 years. I have also only recently been told that it was an ex girlfriend. It is only since I have been trying to work out whats gone on and why that I have thought the two situations might be connected. I have discussed this with my husband who is saying that he doesn't think it was and although he was very upset at the time didn't ever think about it again. My 2 situations were when I was very young and after a couple of drunken nights out with a group of friends. My husband found out because I told him when I was forced into a situation where I had to.
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 "My husband found out because I told him when I was forced into a situation where I had to." How were you forced? Good that you and H are looking to see if there was a past connection. I think there was but H is in denial.
Fallen Angel Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Richardson, You seem to be making excuses for your husbands bad behaviour. And as a fBW I understand that, I understand that it is a way to soften the blow to your heart, but in truth, it only makes dealing with it that much more difficult, because as things progress, you WILL get angry, and will be even MORE angry at yourself because yu were trying to rationalize his irrational behaviour. It is an ugly circle, that keeps getting bigger as your mind tries to compensate to incorporate more and more of the bullshYte that he is feeding you. I suggest getting into some kind of individual therapy to help you through this time, someone who can help you to take the blame for this that you are trying to carry and put it exactly where it belongs.. squarely on your HUSBANDS shoulders. Please, stop trying to carry his s**t, you have enough of your own to carry, and piling too much on your own back will eventually break you. ((Hugs to you at this time))
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 and this is what it looks like because your H is unwilling to tell you the truth. when H is unwilling to give you the truth - the healing in the M is much more difficult. he has a lot of years to cover and cover up... if the cover up just continues, the healing will never even begin to happen. since he seems unwilling to be truthful - i doubt the M can move forward. this is not YOUR fault and YOU shouldn't be blaming yourself at this point... heck, how could you, without the truth you don't really know anything except that he has been unfaithful the whole marriage. the person who decided to cheat should be the one feeling guilty and to blame. what is his attitude right now? it is only in the last couple of weeks that the extent of the affair has become apparent. I was first told that it had only been going on for a year, then 5 years, and now 24 years. I have also only recently been told that it was an ex girlfriend. It is only since I have been trying to work out whats gone on and why that I have thought the two situations might be connected. I have discussed this with my husband who is saying that he doesn't think it was and although he was very upset at the time didn't ever think about it again. My 2 situations were when I was very young and after a couple of drunken nights out with a group of friends. My husband found out because I told him when I was forced into a situation where I had to.
Author richardson Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 I haven't told him yet because I am still worried about the possible consequences for my family. Even though my husband has moved out I don't want him turning up on my door looking for him. Also my daughter is going to have a baby in a few weeks and I wouldn't want her to have the worry of something happening to her dad. I may wait until after the baby is born and then tell him. I also think my head will be clearer then because I want to tell him in the right frame of mind. At the moment I am so hurt and confused that it may be too emotional for me to deal with.
road Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 The best time to tell is now. There never will be a better time to tell.
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 I haven't told him yet because I am still worried about the possible consequences for my family. Even though my husband has moved out I don't want him turning up on my door looking for him. Also my daughter is going to have a baby in a few weeks and I wouldn't want her to have the worry of something happening to her dad. I may wait until after the baby is born and then tell him. I also think my head will be clearer then because I want to tell him in the right frame of mind. At the moment I am so hurt and confused that it may be too emotional for me to deal with. There is never going to be a good time to tell him. There will always be things going on in your life and in his. Don't make excuses for not wanting to deal with this right now. Your H may have even used this tendency against you to continue his 24-year-long affair. Every day that you wait is a day lost to two schemers. He is using your marital/business funds to finance an apartment for sex with this woman. Now is the best time to tell her H. They have probably done lots more behind your backs. Now is the best time to tell her H. Every day you wait, they ARE making plans to protect THEMSELVES. This is YOUR chance to protect YOURSELF and give him the head's up to protect himself. Now is the best time to tell her H. Not after the baby is born. Not after the holidays. Not when you are no longer hurt and confused - it WILL take YEARS for that hurt and confusion to go away. I certainly understand wanting to feel in control of your feelings before telling the OW's H anything, but if you want to gain back some of your control - do so by making this statement that you will not sit back and allow them to continue to deceive him as well. Be sure to tell him that she said he is volatile and likely to harm her with this revelation. Be sure to tell him NOT to come to your home in search of your H. This will be hard. I do not make light of that. But you can do it. You have shown strength and class in your postings. I think you will manage well in telling her H soon (not later). Good luck. (((richardson)))
stillafool Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Yes you most certainly need to tell him very soon. He is not going to beat up your H or likely do anything. He may be just like you. If he were a young man he might do something stupid; but her h is older and has too much to lose. I don't know if you want your h back or not, but if you do want him back you have to involve her H. If you don't tell her H they are going to continue on and on and on and on until they are finally together. Her h is the only one who will keep her from seeing your H.
2sunny Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 there's no way he is going to harm your husband. a high profile man who is in good standing in his community wouldn't risk his reputation by beating up another man... he'd serve jail time for that - so the likelihood is very minimal. if you logically look at the reality, it never gets easier to deliver bad news... so there is NO reason to wait. waiting only allows your H and his OW to plot against what you may or may not say to her H. you are losing your position every day you wait.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I haven't told him yet because I am still worried about the possible consequences for my family. Even though my husband has moved out I don't want him turning up on my door looking for him. Also my daughter is going to have a baby in a few weeks and I wouldn't want her to have the worry of something happening to her dad. I may wait until after the baby is born and then tell him. I also think my head will be clearer then because I want to tell him in the right frame of mind. At the moment I am so hurt and confused that it may be too emotional for me to deal with. This man is not going to harm your family. You haven' done anything to him. You are in the same boat as he. If anything he may try to hit on you to get back at your H and his W. There is no right frame of mind to tell someone "your wife and my husband have been having an affair for 24 years".
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