husbands 24 year affair

[richardson]

I have been married for 29 years and have two children, aged 28 and 28. My daughter got married at the beginning of the year and is having a baby in march, our first grandchild. We have worked together building up a business over the last 25 years which is now successful and organised enough to be able to leave to someone who has worked for us for the past 4 years to run on a day to day basis. We have just asked him to take over this role which he is happy to do. The intention was to give us more time to enjoy ourselves and our forthcoming grandchild. I wanted to take this step as my husband is now 58 and has been very stressed recently, which I thought was the pressure of work.

 

I have now found out that he has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend for the past 24 years. He has said that she phoned him out of the blue and they met up and since then have met up very infrequently for sex. He has told me that she only moved back into the area 15 years ago and before that they only saw each other once a year. In the past 15 years he has said that it was 3 or 4 times a year up until recently. In february this year they took over a studio flat to make it easier to meet up. Since then they have been meeting once or twice a week. I have met the woman involved and it seems that she also thinks that the relationship was just about sex and there was no real feeling involved on either side. She has also been married for the same length of time. Although we have had a sex life throughout our marriage I have often felt that it was not loving enough. Looking back I also felt quite vulnerable at certain periods and can remember incidents where I confronted my husband but he always denied something was going on. I usually put this down to my husband not being very good at expressing emotions. Although saying that he has always been a very tactile and loving father.

 

On the positive side we got on really well and had a very good social life. We went out regularly with friends but also enjoyed doing things together. He has been a brilliant dad to our two children and most of the time has been a good husband. I have really noticed a change in the past year when the affair has escalated. I have asked him why he took that step but he is unable to give me an answer and says he doesn't know. I don't know where to go from here. If we didn't have anything positive in our relationship it would be easy but we have got some positive things but I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again and will constantly throw it back at him. I have asked him to move out to give me some space to think about everything which he has done but I am finding it very hard to come to terms with it. I find myself either feeling really angry with him or feeling sorry for him which I don't understand. I also find myself looking at him in a different light now and flaws that I previously hadn't noticed are now annoying me. I am also unsure about whether or not I should tell the other womans husband. It would only be to make myself feel better but is that the right thing to do. Since I have found out about the affair they have both decided that they no longer want to continue the relationship and as far as I know have had no contact. I also find the fact that 2 people can have a relationship for so long and then finish it so suddenly very disturbing. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

thankyou

[hopesndreams]

Since I have found out about the affair they have both decided that they no longer want to continue the relationship and as far as I know have had no contact. I also find the fact that 2 people can have a relationship for so long and then finish it so suddenly very disturbing.

 

How long have you known? It's ended huh? Highly doubtful. Tell her H. It's the right thing to do. Your H will continue to see her. He's lying and protecting this sexual relationship from being exposed. Once her H finds out, he fears it may end so will continue lying to you saying it's over.

[stillafool]

Somehow I find it hard to believe that after 24 years they now want to "stop" because you found out. They don't want her husband to find out and he has the right to know. Why should you protect them. If you really want their affair to stop her husband will have to know. I feel for you. I just can't see them leaving each other alone after all of these4 years. Why did they do this? Why would she cheat on her H for 24 years? It doesn't make sense in a way.

[bentnotbroken]

Ended it my fat aunt Beulah's behind. They are lying, they have for 24 years. What do you want to do?

[richardson]

I have only known for 8 weeks and the story has changed constantly. My husband has said it was because he was so frightened of losing me if I knew the time scale involved. I am able to cope with it because when I went to the flat that they had rented (no I mean my husband had rented, he paid for it) there was no furniture or comfort there, it was purely for sex. There was no bed just a quilt on the floor and they had already rented it for 6 months. This indicated to me that there was no love between them and it wasnt about love. I know where the woman lives and put a note through recently to let here know so that she would have to meet me. I am meeting her tomorrow to get her version of the relationship.

[2sunny]

i think they are both covering up a lot to be able to continue. or they may be quiet with it for a while until things settle down so they can resume it full speed at that time.

 

i highly doubt it will end. are you willing to live this way forever? given the long history - i would never expect them to just shut it down... that's not logical.

 

i could never live with those circumstances, personally. i can tell you... i divorced my xH after 20 years married - life goes on - and it can look happy. to wonder every day for me wasn't what I WANTED for MYSELF. i wasn't willing to base my happiness on what he was or wasn't doing... that thought was too much. life after D isn't bad at all - in fact most days i am so happy - in a way i never thought possible.

 

hugs

[Fallen Angel]

I am the 'other woman' in an affair with a married man (MM). When we had our D-day (the day his wife found out) our affair never stopped. He os course told her it was over, but contact was made between he and I on D-day and the next and the next and so on and so on. Our affair continued as though nothing had happened, and in fact, he spends MORE time with me post-Dday than he did before Dday. So I would say that unless you have hired a private investigator to prove that they are NC, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

 

I think it is only fair to let her husband know all the facts, just as you should have all the facts so that you can weigh the good against the bad, so should he know it all so that he can decide if he wants to spend his life with someone who cheated on and lied to him for so long.

Edited December 14, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[White Flower]

I also find the fact that 2 people can have a relationship for so long and then finish it so suddenly very disturbing. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

thankyou

'Just sex' after 24 years? Boy, he's good at the gaslighting because you believe him. They didn't end the A. She just isn't ready to tell her H so they need you to believe that so you won't tell her H. Be the bigger person and tell him you won't pass the info along. They've worked hard to keep their R going all these years because as they see it they are right for each other and even though so many things were good with you and your H your H clearly believes you were not right for him.

 

Sounds like he thinks highly of you because he kept up appearances for so long. And you're probably right, you will always throw it at him because you have every right to. He gaslighted you for 24 years! How are you ever going to trust him? Trust who he is? You never really knew him completely.

 

I'm sorry so many MM let this go on for so long.

[2sunny]

i don't care who you are... anyone willing to risk their marriage and family for "just sex" for 24 years is fooling himself and whoever he tells this to.

 

please don't be so foolish to believe more lies from him... come on - you only keep someone in your life that long if you are so emotionally tied to them that you don't want to live without them.

 

right now, in order to get out of hot water - i'm sure he's telling you a million lies and covering up truths, half truths etc.

 

what is he willing to change to save the marriage? will he move far away immediately in order to get away from her? marriage counseling? individual counseling? tell the whole truth to her husband with you present?

 

he should be willing to do anything and everything you may want him to - if he's not - he should be out immediately, if not sooner.

[JaneInVegas]

Richardson, I skimmed your post really fast and didn't see mention if she was married or not. Assuming she is, the fastest way to end it is to let her husband/boyfriend know what is going on.

 

I'm with everyone else here, a 24 year old affair is WAY past the boundaries he is claiming. I wouldn't believe one single word he is saying.

 

Have you considered getting a keylogger? They never tell lies ...

 

By the way, I'm curious, how did you find out in the first place??

[richardson]

I found a letter addressed to my husband at the flat which obviously meant that he had the keys to be able to get in and collect it. After going there and speaking to neighbours it became clear that he was having an affair. The neighbour informed me that they were going their once or twice a week. I then found the keys and got some cut and went to the flat and found her in there. She denied it but by then it was too late for both of them to lie anymore. I am struggling to believe that they originally only saw each other once a year when she lived out of the area, then 3 or 4 times a years during the last 15 years and then to get a flat where they were able to see each other once or twice a week. My husband has said that the reason they got the flat was because it was so difficult to meet up but I would have thought that after such a long time things would have calmed down rather than escalated. I think the relationship never ended since they went out with each other before we were married and although they probably didn't meet up because she moved away they were always in contact but I have no way of finding out. My head is so scrambled at the moment and it is hard to think straight.

[Brightmoon]

Richardson, you must be in such turmoil having to get to grips with the painful truths of the things you are discovering. Devastating. It has to be so hard. I wish I could say something useful, but all I can do is show support.

 

 

I am sending you love and comforting thoughts...

(((Heartfelt hug to you Richardson.)))

[MizFit]

I found a letter addressed to my husband at the flat which obviously meant that he had the keys to be able to get in and collect it. After going there and speaking to neighbours it became clear that he was having an affair. The neighbour informed me that they were going their once or twice a week. I then found the keys and got some cut and went to the flat and found her in there. She denied it but by then it was too late for both of them to lie anymore. I am struggling to believe that they originally only saw each other once a year when she lived out of the area, then 3 or 4 times a years during the last 15 years and then to get a flat where they were able to see each other once or twice a week. My husband has said that the reason they got the flat was because it was so difficult to meet up but I would have thought that after such a long time things would have calmed down rather than escalated. I think the relationship never ended since they went out with each other before we were married and although they probably didn't meet up because she moved away they were always in contact but I have no way of finding out. My head is so scrambled at the moment and it is hard to think straight.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting Richardson...you have some horribly tough choices now. As a BS I kicked my WH to the curb immediately...as an OW I've watched my xMMs W take him back after evidence and information much more incriminating than what you've found. Neither choice is easy to make and neither is easy to live with.

 

I also agree with you (and FA) that the A probably has lingered and flared for many years. My xMM and I had DDay about 5 weeks ago and within about 5 days he broke NC and it has been escalating since. Believe YOU, not them.

[foreal]

Believe YOU, not them.

 

Follow this advise. My H gaslighted me for 8 months- all the while my gut kept saying, "this is not right"...but I loved him so I kept ignoring mu gut.

 

Listen to your gut, even though right now you feel as though your whole world is shattered, that you cannot trust anyone, let alone yourself....but YOU ARE IN THERE. Listen to YOU.

 

I am so sorry you are gong thru this-

[richardson]

I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband. He has a very high powered job with the local council so I don't think he would jeopardise that. I think he deserves to know but don't know what to do. I have also seen photos of him on the internet and he does look quite mean. I think they should both take the consequences and don't think its right that I have to have all this trauma while she gets off scott free. Also went to her house and saw that all the xmas decorations are up while I am on my own. Doesnt seem fair but if he is taht volatile do I want to inflict that on my husband even though he has done wrong.

[whichwayisup]

If that is true, then WHY on earth would this OW have a 24 year affair with your husband if her husband is volatile?? Think about that for a second. To me, it sounds like your H is doing all that he can to protect his OW. And the OW is doing all that SHE can to protect her own @ss, so SHE doesn't have to suffer ANY consquences of her choices that led to her to have an affair.

 

Tell this guy the truth. It is also a 100% sure way of ending the A completely, (just incase it isn't really 'that' over..)

[2sure]

I completely understand your hesitancy to tell her husband in that you do not necessarily want drama and violence brought into your life , do not want your husband threatened physically or professionally.

 

But you know...think about this a moment. The OW has told you that she fears her husband's reaction. Why now???? She didnt fear it before, not much apparently. She is snowing you or at the very least...putting the responsibility of their actions into YOUR lap.

 

Whatever you decide to do along this journey...dont let either one of them make any part of the consequences your problem to bare for them.

 

Every betrayed spouse is described in various ways of crazy. Coincidence?

[Brightmoon]

God! it seems so unfair that she carries on as if nothing has happened and is looked after all the way and you are dealing with this Tsunami on your own.

[whichwayisup]

But you know...think about this a moment. The OW has told you that she fears her husband's reaction. Why now???? She didnt fear it before, not much apparently. She is snowing you or at the very least...putting the responsibility of their actions into YOUR lap.

 

Yup, exactly. She may try to make YOU look like the bad guy..All the meanwhile SHE is the one who cheated and betrayed her husband, helped your husband cheat on you. She is NOT innocent AT ALL in all of this, so do what you need to do. She certainly didn't give a crap about you during this long A over the years.. Where was the concern for her H, for you, for her own safety back then? Smells fishy to me, she is being manipulative and doing all that she can to put you off so she won't have to suffer or face her consquences, deal with her mess that SHE made. Not you. HER.

[2sunny]

she says that about her H because then it intimidates you and makes you wonder if you should tell the truth... yes, tell him - he has a right to know as much as you do.

 

the consequences of THEIR actions are THEIRS, not yours. i'm willing to bet her husband is nice... as she wouldn't have stayed for 25-30 years if he was THAT volatile. she doesn't want him to know because she wants things to continue the way they have been for all these years. it happens all the time that the WS says "don't tell my souse, they are very unstable - out of control - abusive - unpredictable." then to find out that they are nothing like what was previously portrayed by the WS. they LOVE the cover up - it is their "high" and your are capable of taking that away by telling the truth. stop helping them to lie.

 

meet him in a public place, take the letter (or a copy). whatever consequences come to them is their own... they are adults, they can handle it. it's not as though they haven't had enough time to figure out what MIGHT happen if they got caught - they've had 24+ years to discuss all these details...

 

take care of YOURSELF, show compassion for the OW husband, he will have the pain and confusion of all this too. it actually may shed some light on things that never made sense to him over the years. he deserves that - at least.

 

ps - what did the letter say, anything you didn't already know?

[joyz]

I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband.

 

 

you sound calm... how was the meeting arranged? how did it go? did she tell you how things started, why they kept it going for so long? did she apologize to you?

 

sorry for what your going through. it must feel like a surrreal nightmare...

[Angel1111]

I don't think it's relevant as to whether you tell her husband about the affair right now or not. You have too much on your plate to concern yourself with that. Why not just put it on the back burner for now and deal with the issue at hand - which is, your husband has been deceiving you for more than two decades, and would still be cheating if you had not discovered this. Not only that, but he still is deceiving you. I can guarantee you the he is still in touch with the OW. From this moment forward, every word that comes out of his mouth can be presumed to be a lie. Because, as he has proven to you already, that he will go to great lengths to protect himself and his mistress.

 

I don't buy the story about his ex gf contacting him out of the blue, either. Most of the MM who have affairs pursue the OW intensely and I think he's telling you that she contacted him in order to soften the blow for you. The truth is, if she was walking down the street naked, it doesn't give him a reason or an excuse to cheat on you. He made that decision with his eyes wide open. And he chose to keep up the lie for all these years - again, with his eyes wide open.

 

I know it's almost inconceivable to throw away this many years of a marriage but, personally, I wouldn't know how to communicate with or trust a person who lied to me to the extent that he lied to you, and for the amount of time that he did it.

[foreal]

I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband. He has a very high powered job with the local council so I don't think he would jeopardise that. I think he deserves to know but don't know what to do. I have also seen photos of him on the internet and he does look quite mean. I think they should both take the consequences and don't think its right that I have to have all this trauma while she gets off scott free. Also went to her house and saw that all the xmas decorations are up while I am on my own. Doesnt seem fair but if he is taht volatile do I want to inflict that on my husband even though he has done wrong.

 

I too got the ol "he's volatile..he may beat MOW!!" from both my H and MOW (we were friends, )

 

Bullshyt!

 

had I told him in the beginning, I would have not endured 8 months of gaslighting hell.....once I did tell MOW's H, all hell broke loose, but at least now I'm getting somewhere!!

 

Affairs thrive and survive on secrets. TELL HIM ASAP..besides, your husband can probably use a good ass kicking. (just kidding, sort of)

 

In my case, MOW's H kicked her out of the house and has already started divorce proceedings. He told me he hopes my H looks over his shoulder the rest of his life. I told him I hope his W does the same. Other than that , no drama from him.

[Sal Paradise]

I have just met the woman involved and don't know whether or not to tell her husband. She says he is very volatile and would go out of his way to get even with my husband. He has a very high powered job with the local council so I don't think he would jeopardise that. I think he deserves to know but don't know what to do. I have also seen photos of him on the internet and he does look quite mean. I think they should both take the consequences and don't think its right that I have to have all this trauma while she gets off scott free. Also went to her house and saw that all the xmas decorations are up while I am on my own. Doesnt seem fair but if he is taht volatile do I want to inflict that on my husband even though he has done wrong.

 

She's telling you that crap because she's scared of losing her marriage. If you don't expose you might as well just tell your husband he has your permission to cheat with her again. Exposure is one of the key ingredients in stopping it.

[Sal Paradise]

Another thing....

 

They probably think if her husband doesn't find out that once things cool down they will be able to pick the affair back up later. Telling him would make it more difficult. You need to expose it and you also need to demand no contact between her and your husband. No contact means - no emails, no text messages, no phone calls, no letters - absolutely nothing EVER AGAIN.