Do I need to go NC?

[Hazyhead]

I've been in an affair with a married man for the past year, but now I think it is the end. For the last six months we have been planning on leaving our partners (I did, had been in a relationship for 8 years), he had to wait a little longer as he didnt want to leave his wife with their very young son. Six weeks ago he told his wife he wanted to leave and went so far as to put his house up for sale, as neither of them wanted to stay in it. It seemed the decision was fairly amicable, as she has also been unhappy for a while.

 

We went away this weekend and had a wonderful time, knowing that we were moving towards our future. After returning home I received an email (as was most of our correspondence) from him explaining that he returned home to find his son ill and it really shocked him. He realised that he couldn't walk away from him and owes it to him to try harder to make the marriage work.

 

I have never pressured him to leave his wife and never asked more of him than he wanted to give. What's more, I completely understand his decision and respect that he wants to do the right thing by his little boy. So... to be honest, I think he will need to go NC, to try and rebuild his marriage, if it's possible. I need to walk away, right? I know that what I've done has been wrong, I feel guilty every day, but I love him so much and we have such amazing chemistry that I have never known, and he says the same. If anybody has any advice on how to go about moving on and trying to put it behind me I'd really appreciate it.

[Hazyhead]

Just to add... although his wife has been suspicious at times, she does not know about the affair. He won't tell her as he is afraid of losing his son.

[whichwayisup]

If you truly love him and want the best for him, then yes, leave him alone. Go NC and let him reconnect with his wife, make his marriage better for his son's sake.

 

Heal yourself, grieve and let go.. It won't be easy but again, if you want what's best for your MM, then put his child's needs first, be the one who shuts the door and stays in NC mode, forever. Don't ever try to compete here, his love for his son has to come first.

[Hazyhead]

Thank you. It's hard to read, even though I know that what you are saying is right. It breaks my heart just thinking about it, but I don't want to ruin that little boy's chance of having his dad with him. I didn't know about him when I started in this... I know it's never the right thing to do, to be with somebody else's partner, but the child does mean I have to sacrifice my own happiness. There's still that part of me that wants to wait for him. I don't know how to let that go.

[whichwayisup]

You didn't know he was married, or didn't know he had a child? If so, that's pretty low and selfish of MM to not let you know the truth. Not that cheating on his wife anyway was a great idea to begin with..

 

He isn't yours, never was, and sorry you're hurting, but don't wait for him. He may want to leave his wife, may say he loves you, but at the end of the day, he doesn't want to leave his 'family unit'. Don't settle, you deserve better and more! Though you won't get that from him.

[fooled once]

Did WWIU.

 

Let it go. Grieve it, mourn it ~ but he was never yours to begin with. He 'belongs' to someone else and the ONLY way he can make his marriage work is to end the affair with you.

 

And for what its worth, I don't buy his "my kid is sick, I have to stay" stuff. Sounds like it was just the easiest way to let you down without telling you "thanks, but no thanks".

[Hazyhead]

I didn't know he had a child, although his wife was still pregnant when our affair started. I'm ashamed to admit I knew he was married. Thank you for your responses. I genuinely believed him, still do if I'm honest. I think there's a chance he wanted to believe himself, wouldn't face up to the truth. I'm so angry with him for telling me that his marriage was dead. The anger makes it even harder to forget him. In all this rage though I still can't help think of all the amazing moments; there were so many.

[2sunny]

i think he arrived home from your weekend away feeling guilty and emailed you. i would wonder if the child is sick... i doubt it. he lies after all... he never told his wife about you - so what would make you think he would be willing to leave her?

 

his actions prove that he's willing to stay married - he just wants to make sure you hang around so when he feels like a bit of variety - you're still there, ready and willing...

 

if this works for you - continue on; if it doesn't - then make some changes to have life look different on a daily basis.

[Hazyhead]

I know it sounds typically naive, but even though there was the element of being used at the beginning, for both of us, I believed that he loved me. I've seen this man break down in tears when I tried to break it off after finding out about his son. I felt the love from him - you can't fake that. Saying that, I really appreciate your advice. I do want to change. I'm not prepared to be his bit on the side and I don't want to split his heart any more. I do want him to be happy, it's just hard to walk away from something that means so much, and not look back.

[hisprincess41407]

Yes, you need to go NC. What you need to do is work on your own self-esteem because no self-respecting woman should try to be with a man who is in a relationship. His wife will always be #1 that is why he married her. If you really wanted something to work with him you should have waited to do something for when he left her because you let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

Next time, don't mess around with a married man, you are a woman and all you are doing is betraying another woman.

[fooled once]

Listen to his ACTIONS - not his words.

 

Like so many say on here - a man worth is weight in gold is that man that respects whatever relationship he is currently in before proceeding with another relationship.

 

He lied to you. He betrayed his wife. How do you not know he won't do the same to you? Because he 'loves' you? At one time, he loved his wife. Think about that. You have such a short time invested with him ~ you really don't KNOW who he is; besides the fact that he is a liar, a cheater and someone who doesn't respect others. Those are facts. You can spin fairy dust all around it but those facts are clear.

[jennie-jennie]

Hazyhead, am I understanding you correctly that your MM has a very young child, a baby even perhaps? Ordinarily I would say just wait him out, that he will be back with you, although without any guarantee that you would be his only woman. At the moment his sense of responsibility is talking louder than his love for you. But such a young child makes the situation more difficult. The pull back to the marriage is stronger than if the child/children are older.

 

Considering the efforts he DID go through, telling his wife he wanted to leave and putting the house on the market, it is obvious to me that he does have strong feelings for you. I would say he is torn between his sense of responsibility for his child and marriage and his love for you. Unfortunately this conflict is what comes along with a relationship to a MM.

 

My MM wanted us to go NC so he could work on his marriage. He lasted six days, and came to the conclusion that as long as he has the feelings he has for me, he is not able to work on his marriage. My MM has a lot of kids, so he too is torn between family and his love for me. He is moving closer and closer to a divorce, but it is taking very, very long, and I do not know if he will ever get there.

 

From my point of view, NC was hell and my feelings for my MM too strong for me to be able to keep the NC up if I was not forced to.

[OWoman]

His wife will always be #1 that is why he married her.

 

Well, in that case, he's got a really funny way of showing it...

[MizFit]

Yes, you need to go NC. What you need to do is work on your own self-esteem because no self-respecting woman should try to be with a man who is in a relationship. His wife will always be #1 that is why he married her. If you really wanted something to work with him you should have waited to do something for when he left her because you let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

Next time, don't mess around with a married man, you are a woman and all you are doing is betraying another woman.

 

If she were number 1 then he wouldn't be seeing someone else...as noted by OW.

 

The betrayal in this situation is between a man who vowed to his fidelity to his wife and then broke the vows.

 

OP...you're in a tough spot and have some hard decisions. I'm wavering between he's putting you off and he's sincerely trying to be with an ill child. I am confused as to whether the illness is ongoing or was a case of the flu...any clarification and I do apologize if I missed it in the thread!

[OWoman]

We went away this weekend and had a wonderful time, knowing that we were moving towards our future. After returning home I received an email (as was most of our correspondence) from him explaining that he returned home to find his son ill and it really shocked him. He realised that he couldn't walk away from him and owes it to him to try harder to make the marriage work.

 

HH, I'm not sure if I've got this timing right, so please correct me if I'm wrong:

 

Your MM has been M to his W for a while, she fell pregnant, and - during her pregnancy - he started an A with you.

 

Six months in to the A, you decide to be together, and you leave your M/R, but his child has meantime been born, so he needs a little longer.

 

Six weeks ago, he tells his W he wants to leave, puts the house on the market, and prepares to leave. Then, last weekend, he returns from a weekend with you and realises he can't walk away from his baby that easily, and wants to try to make a go of the M?

 

TBH, my first impression of him was of a young guy (you didn't specify his age, this is a guess) who is suddenly being confronted by the reality of his M, when his W falls pregnant, and thinks, OMG, what have I done, I'm not ready for this... so he panics and finds someone - that's HH - who allows him to be "himself", as he sees himself, rather than Husband, and Father, and all those other grown-up roles he's suddenly being forced to play. And then, after a weekend away of being "himself", he returns to realise that... actually, he has responsibilities, to his W and his baby, and not just to his Peter Pan self.

 

HH, if I'm at all correct in that reading, your best bet is to go NC - not just for him, or his family, but for you. Right now he's experiencing an identity shift and he's not quite sure who he is and who he wants to be. He may indeed have M the "wrong" woman, or he may have M before he was ready, but either way, he needs to sort his head out first and decide what he really wants, and how best he can achieve that. Once he's in a more grounded space he'll be better placed to make a good partner to SOMEONE - whether you, his W or some other person entirely - and, hopefully, an adequate father to his baby - but for now it's all about him, and he needs to resolve that first. Your being around will only serve to complicate things - for him, for you and for any decisions - and will only make it more difficult for you to walk away from down the line if you need to.

[sugarmomma]

FO that fairy dust is a mother!! That was real talk. OP always remember these words.

 

97% (my own stats) of MM want affairs, not divorces. He got what he wanted and used his son as an excuse to keep you away. You left your mate for him? Wow!

 

Stick a fork in this one, its done!

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Hazyhead]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, Jennie-Jennie, he has a baby. He started this affair with me apparently not long after finding out that his wife was pregnant. His son was born in July. He has been with his wife for 15 years, although I can see how you would think this the actions of a younger man, OW. After going home and finding his son sick, it was a virus, he realised that he owed it to his son to at least try to work things out which, he hadn't really been doing due to his feelings for me. I understand his sense of responsibility and don't want to stand in the way of that. Until this point he told me that his marriage wasnt able to be sorted, but now it seems it might be.

 

I started NC yesterday, after sending him an email explaining so. It's incredibly difficult and I miss him so much, we were in constant contact before, but his reply said that he needed it too, so I'm determined to stick to it. I've already found that posting on here helps a little.

 

I didn't leave my previous partner for him, but rather for myself and my ex. I fell in love with someone else and regardless of how this does or doesn't work out, I can't stay in relationship with such strong feelings for another; it wouldn't be fair to me or him. I don't regret my actions because I followed my heart and hard as it's now going to be to walk away, I gave it a shot. It's not right to stay with someone just because of the fear of being alone. (Although, it is scary after so long!) But I get what you are saying - it would have been a crazy risk if that was the case.

 

So... just me... Yikes!

[whichwayisup]

I started NC yesterday, after sending him an email explaining so. It's incredibly difficult and I miss him so much, we were in constant contact before,

 

So a less than a year affair vs a 15 year marriage.. Just keep it in perspective.. Yes it'll be hard on you to do the NC, but you have good reasons to stay in NC mode. Anytime you feel like breaking NC, or if he breaks it and you dont' want to reply back, come here and POST so that you won't contact him.

 

Keep in mind too, as much as you want to believe him, MM LIE..About everything, or greatly exaggerate, so whatever he's told you about his wife, his home life, more than likely isn't that true, and he's probably bent the truth to make HIM look the good guy.

[Hazyhead]

They were together for 15 years, married for 10, though I understand what you mean. I know MM lie, but I really feel he was always honest with me, he told me the truth even when it was brutal, if I asked. He loves his wife, he told me that, but it's the 'love her as a best friend' thing. It was him that wanted to take our affair further, to try to be together properly. I never pushed this.

 

I don't want to compete with his marriage, although I know I have been doing. Whilst he wants to make it work, for the sake of his child I don't want to sabotage that any further.

[Hazyhead]

You're right BB. I really want to do that even if my heart is not following my head. In a way I don't want to even think about his marriage working or not because to do so hurts either way. If it works, those thoughts make me wildly envious, but if it doesn't I'm so sad for the loss of what we had. I have to walk away though, I know. Thank you BB.

[jwi71]

After going home and finding his son sick, it was a virus, he realised that he owed it to his son to at least try to work things out which, he hadn't really been doing due to his feelings for me.

 

Stay strong with the NC because I can almost promise you he will be back. Mostly because he isn't doing NC for the RIGHT reasons. To claim you want to stay for your son (which is a joke tbh) is NOT the right reason. You go NC for YOU (and by extension ones spouse and/or the M). Because going NC for another does NOTHING to address the failures and faults (and emotions) in oneself. And by NOT addressing these you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

He didn't stay for his W or the M. He stayed for his son. I said earlier it was a joke because his son's conception, per my reading, led to the A. See where I'm going? Likely he is staying to keep the illusion of a "good man" to the outside world. Basically, he is staying for the same reasons he cheated - he's selfish.

 

And that's why he'll be back.

 

Question is...are YOU going NC for the right reasons? Look deep. Look in the dark recesses of the heart. Scary I know - been there myself.

 

Step back and think. Judge his ACTIONS. Don't listen or believe his words.

 

Good luck...protect yourself and do no harm to others.

[jj33]

HH NC is your only option right now. When someone tells you they want to work on their marriage how can you say no you love me, forget your wife of 15 years and your child, be with me. Its not a pretty picture is it.

 

You may feel that way in your heart, but its not the right thing to do. And he needs to come to the decision to leave (if he ever does) on his own. Not because you pressured him into it or because he didnt give it that one last try to satisfy himself that the marriage is not savalgeable.

 

The board is littered with casualties - women who waited and hung in there while the MM faltered and was unsure and wanted to work on his marriage but left before he was 100% certain - AND THEN HE WENT BACK TO HIS W.

 

If not for him because you love him and respect his choice (whether its real or not) then do NC for you. Because you dont want to be dragged through the hell of being there on the sidelines while he vacillates between you and his family, in some cases going back and forth several times.

 

Tell him you love him, tell him you want a future but you understand he needs to give his marriage a real shot and then go NC.

 

If and when he is ready to leave he will.

[Hazyhead]

Jw, I don't know that I am going NC for the right reasons. But I think I have to do it. For a couple of reasons. Firstly, I cant take the hurt anymore. After his son was born he tried to make the effort then, but it didn't last and within two weeks he was back. This time though, the hurt is worse, and I can't bear the thought that if I held on for him he would do this again. I couldn't take it. I would be a mental wreck within a week. Secondly, he has agreed with me - that we need to go NC. He has just emailed me actually telling me he loves me and is so sorry, wishes things were different, etc. but needs to try for his son. I have to give him the chance to do that, right? I don't want to pull him away from it anymore. In the deep recesses of my heart - I love him so much. Thank you Jw.

[Hazyhead]

That's what I'll do jj. Thank you - those words were perfect.

[jj33]

Those who cant do teach ....

 

I know you can do it. Its heartwrenching to think that the future you thought you had together may not be, but its worse to be what I call the "evil cheerleader" on the sidelines, cajoling someone who is unsure into leaving.

 

And its heartbreaking to hear the pain of those who have waited it out and tried to make the MM "see reason" or what is best for them - trying to save them from their bad marriages, only to find that he goes back, for one reason or another.

 

You deserve better than that. And really noone can tell someone else when to leave or when to be done with his or her marriage or that they know better (even if they do). Its his marriage. But you seem to know that.

 

Good luck. It wont be easy but its the right thing - for both of you.