Nikki Sahagin Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 For me its been 8 months and I was wondering, is it normal after a break-up to lose faith in love? I think i've always been a romantic idealist at heart but in my head I am a cynic and don't believe in love and monogamy. Well when I met my ex I fell hook, line and sinker but I still had these 'belief's' about love that kind of hindered our relationship. It was like going to church but not believing in God. I was in the relationship but I had all these thoughts about relationships which contrasted with the emotions I felt. Now that our relationship is over and considering the way he treated me at the end (flirting with other girls, ignoring me, never spending time with me, breaking up with me online) I have a real guard up. I feel disdainful and cold towards all men but my family and male friends but any new man that approaches me, I just want him to go away. I don't know that I can feel what I felt for my ex again seeing as it was so strong and overwhelming and intense. I think in future the feeling wont be as strong. Right now I just see love and relationships as a huge con and a lie. Something we all get into so that we aren't alone but that really don't work or make sense. I think I am probably just becoming a bit bitter but I feel entheasiastic and positive about everything else; university, work, my family etc, just not love and relationships. Its like a lights turned on (or gone out) and I just don't 'believe' in them anymore? Do you think I will again? Is it part of the healing process to shut down from love?
ADF Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 This is what often happens to people who are too idealistic. They lurch from an almost childish faith in the power of love to total cynicism if that faith is betrayed. You need to get a little more realistic. Yes, love exists and can be wonderful. But even the best relationships require effort, and even people we love to death can hurt us. And stop being cold and disdainful to people who never did a thing to you. Feeling hurt doesn't give you the right to mistreat other people.
Odyssey Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 OP it's pretty normal to feel a little guarded when you've been hurt, but it's only temporary, because you're still healing. Those other people that you put up a wall against are not your ex. So don't punish them for what your ex did - keep this in mind. But now you know what a bad relationship is like. It's time to look for a good one. Decide what your standards are in a relationship and don't settle for 1% less than what you deserve. If that means you're alone for a while, so be it. Use that time to nurture yourself.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 This is what often happens to people who are too idealistic. They lurch from an almost childish faith in the power of love to total cynicism if that faith is betrayed. You need to get a little more realistic. Yes, love exists and can be wonderful. But even the best relationships require effort, and even people we love to death can hurt us. And stop being cold and disdainful to people who never did a thing to you. Feeling hurt doesn't give you the right to mistreat other people. Its not that I feel I have the right to mistreat others. Its a defence mechanism. In fact its really not about them, its selfish. But I suppose whilst I feem vulnerable and confused about 'love' I just want to avoid anything or anyone that could lead to it for the time being. I just don't want to be hurt again right now.
USMCHokie Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Yes. I lost my trust for women entirely...
Miko Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Don't let it get you down girl. I lost faith in the whole thing after a breakup when I was 18 and didn't have a 'real' girlfriend for years and it was a big waste of time plus it's hard to get back in the swing of things so get back to it, expect problems, but expect to recognize them and move on when necessary.
norajane Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 No one is forcing you to get into a relationship right now. You don't need to rush to try to get into one. Clearly, you need more time to heal. You will eventually meet someone and your feelings will be strong and intense. The first time you fall in love - and the first time your illusions are shattered - is very intense, and your next love won't feel exactly like that. But no loves feel the same. Each is different, just like each person is different. It's fine to be cautious, but don't be rude to men who aren't your ex and who haven't done anything to you. You don't have cynical beliefs about your family and friends - you will eventually extend that to other men you meet who show you that they are trustworthy. Your family and friends aren't the only men out there who are trustworthy.
xoxo88 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Yes it's ok to feel that way. I feel the same. I absolutely reject the idea of being close to a man or being in a relationship right now. But i feel ok when i see my friends happy in love; i'm not against their relationships just against me having a relationship. It feels like this because you've been deeply hurt and you wanna stay away from that pain. I used to be just like you, a romantic at heart, but cynical about it in my head until i broke up with my ex. Guess what? I'm not that cynical anymore. Now i do aprreciate and respect that complicated feeling called love. One thing i learned from my painful experience is that trust and communication are crucial in a relationship. You must say what you think most of the time so that you get to know each other from the beggining. Don't fear what he might think. If he doesn't like you, you're gonna learn it early on and you won't be forced to go through an excruciating break up. I don't know if any of these was helpuful but iknowing that you're not the only one i suppose it helps. It doesn't ease the pain but you know that you're not the only one and there's nothing wrong with you. At least that's how i feel about it.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Thankyou everyone for taking the time to respond. One of the main things i'm scared of and frightened of is something which my ex contributed to by flirting with other girls secretly on msn etc. Its made me feel that any guy i'm with will cheat or flirt or go off with other girls. My ex cheapened every compliment he paid me by using it on other girls and when I realised this I felt sick and cried. I now feel any compliment or any flattery is basically just a lie that guys use on EVERY girl whereas I thought once that he's compliments were just for me. Maybe some of them were. But it feels ruined now. And I don't know how to get that thought out of my mind!
lostmirthfulness Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Honestly your ex is a fuggen looser. I understand how you feel at the same time. All my friends having been calling me a cynic now days. I honestly hate feeling this way. I want to believe in love and romantics, but I was so screwed over by the ex that it seems like it will be impossible for me to open up again sometime. I am just a little more then 2 and a half months into it, so perhaps with time I will be better. At this point though, I feel its my duty to caution friends and question everything anyone says. I think it will just take the right person to be able to bring our guards down.
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 You are like me. What we need then, is a break. Don't cover it up with a rebound because it would not be fair to the other person at all. Just learn to enjoy your friends, family and your own company. The problem with almost all of us in this world is that we feel that we constantly have to have someone in our lives. We don't. We are never going to have true love until we learn to truly love ourselves. A relationship is supposed to be the icing on the cake to your life...not the whole enchilada. To think a certain human being makes or breaks your life is dangerous. They or even YOU can leave at anytime. Anytime at all. Even the best relationships have bumps and bruises that can severe the whole line of things.
lostmirthfulness Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 You are like me. What we need then, is a break. Don't cover it up with a rebound because it would not be fair to the other person at all. Just learn to enjoy your friends, family and your own company. The problem with almost all of us in this world is that we feel that we constantly have to have someone in our lives. We don't. We are never going to have true love until we learn to truly love ourselves. A relationship is supposed to be the icing on the cake to your life...not the whole enchilada. To think a certain human being makes or breaks your life is dangerous. They or even YOU can leave at anytime. Anytime at all. Even the best relationships have bumps and bruises that can severe the whole line of things. This is very true - and all that I am doing now. My ex has been in a relationship that started just 3 weeks or so after us breaking up. I suspect but will never be able to say for sure, but I think it was her interest in the guy she is now dating that lead to our breakup. I had allowed myself to get attached and become somewhat dependent on her. In past relationships, I always maintained an emotional block of sorts. With her it took a year to tear that wall down, 3 years after that it remained down, then in 2 days it was completely rebuilt. Now - I have many more troops guarding my wall, its been built stronger -=) I hope that it does not inhibit me in the future, but until then, I am learning to live for myself, have fun and just trying to progress somewhere in life.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I was dependent on my ex also. That was really the nail in the coffin. Its very hard learning to be independent and self-sufficient when you've relied on someone to maintain your own well-being for so long. Its INCREDIBLY difficult but thankyou for all of your opinions and advice because they do make a big difference just to know that people feel the same!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Yes I feel cynical about love now, if I can be dumped after 18 years by the person I thought I would grow old with then I don't believe any relationship can last forever. I believe it can work for other people, just not for me
Template Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Yes. While I can still see that love is a beautiful thing, the loss of love is equally as powerful. Personally, at this point in my life, I prefer not to feel that powerful loss anytime soon, so I'm must doing my best not TO love at all.
missmay Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I think it is quite common and normal to become cynical after a breakup. But if you find yourself still sinking in bitterness months and years after a break up you have missed a step in the process of letting go and moving forward. It helps to remember that love doesn't fail, people do. Not every relationship will be or should be the relationship that lasts forever. Learn your lessons and try again. Do better next time. Relationships are about emotional, sexual, and psychological evolution, not security.
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