gaudi Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 OK so me and EX spoke the other day, a lot of stuff came out too. I'd already done the asking for another chance bit a couple of weeks before, this time I told her that deep down I know she's right, that we shouldn't be together if either one of us is gonna feel miserable, and that I hope we can both be happy and move on. Her response, she has to put herself first, she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't just be with me because I'm hurting ( I never even said I was hurting since couple of weeks ago)!! It's like she hasn't even heard what I've said about moving on and getting over it, I ain't spoken to her since and don't intend initiating contact. But I don't understand why what I have said wasn't acknowledged ?? Any thoughts ??
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Google "cognitive dissonance wiki" for the answer, she is not comfortable letting go of the ego support of having you asking for another chance, so is acting as if you are still in that mode, regardless of what you say. Keep it up and best wishes in moving forward in healing and getting on with your life. Don't listen to irrational things she says, it is all just noise post breakup, another very good reason for strict NC for a bit after breaking up. Once, years ago, after a date where I was staying over on my date's couch and asleep, she came out of her bedroom, and woke me up to tell me "I am not going to have sex with you tonight." I had propositioned her earlier in the evening, but as it got later, just wanted to sleep. She was still in the mode of enjoying being seduced, so it didn't matter that I was already asleep on her couch. Her "reality" was that I was still hitting on her despite being asleep.
You'reasian Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 OK so me and EX spoke the other day, a lot of stuff came out too. I'd already done the asking for another chance bit a couple of weeks before, this time I told her that deep down I know she's right, that we shouldn't be together if either one of us is gonna feel miserable, and that I hope we can both be happy and move on. Her response, she has to put herself first, she doesn't want to hurt me but she can't just be with me because I'm hurting ( I never even said I was hurting since couple of weeks ago)!! It's like she hasn't even heard what I've said about moving on and getting over it, I ain't spoken to her since and don't intend initiating contact. But I don't understand why what I have said wasn't acknowledged ?? Any thoughts ?? Sounds like you are going for closure and trying to end things on a positive note, good thing mate She's got an inflated ego, but let it be. You've extended the olive branch and are being healthy and mature about it.
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Google "cognitive dissonance wiki" for the answer, she is not comfortable letting go of the ego support of having you asking for another chance, so is acting as if you are still in that mode, regardless of what you say. Keep it up and best wishes in moving forward in healing and getting on with your life. Don't listen to irrational things she says, it is all just noise post breakup, another very good reason for strict NC for a bit after breaking up. Once, years ago, after a date where I was staying over on my date's couch and asleep, she came out of her bedroom, and woke me up to tell me "I am not going to have sex with you tonight." I had propositioned her earlier in the evening, but as it got later, just wanted to sleep. She was still in the mode of enjoying being seduced, so it didn't matter that I was already asleep on her couch. Her "reality" was that I was still hitting on her despite being asleep. We all like our egos brushed a bit and it sounds like your ex wants to display her peacock feathers. Just leave it there. Most of our exes are very self-absorbed and we are better off without them. Period.
Left in a Lurch Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think it is as simple as she isn't listening. Most people want to get their thoughts out but never listen to other people and anything you have to contribute to the discussion is nothing more than an annoying interruption to their bs.
HLP234 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Im in a same situation but on a "break." Says she needs space for herself, time..I giver her that and then she complains about me not talking to her and saying I'm giving up. I figure as hard as it may be, all you have to do is ignore because she should not act like this. If she wants to talk like normal and hang out then why does she want a break? Her words not mine..of course the situation is more comfortable for her than me. But then again you have in your mind the idea that if you do NC while you are confused about what is going on, that either of you will get pissed and then regret something in the future..but its about making decisions. Since you guys are officially broken up you have no obligations to her anymore. Ignore her completely as much as you can. She probably has all your info if something is bothering her and she wants to come begging you back..which in most cases that doesn't happen because like I said before, one of you will always resent the other for whatever reason for the break up.
Author gaudi Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Thanks for all the replies everyone, it really means a lot. have checked out the cognitive dissonance theories Meerkat, gotta say it's interesting (although some of the words are a bit big for me haha only messing). So my next step is strict NC, but what action do I take when she contacts me (coz she will). I implemented it for 4 days last time before an e-mail from her popped up in work, to which I replied. Am I really supposed to ignore her completely ?? I mean I'm felling stronger all the time in my own mind and don't want to be the type of person who denies someone who once meant so much....
WTRanger Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Thanks for all the replies everyone, it really means a lot. have checked out the cognitive dissonance theories Meerkat, gotta say it's interesting (although some of the words are a bit big for me haha only messing). So my next step is strict NC, but what action do I take when she contacts me (coz she will). I implemented it for 4 days last time before an e-mail from her popped up in work, to which I replied. Am I really supposed to ignore her completely ?? I mean I'm felling stronger all the time in my own mind and don't want to be the type of person who denies someone who once meant so much.... If she contacts you, you need to use your best judgment in determining if you respond or not. Only you know your situation and what she is like, so unfortunately there is no concrete answer for this. The only guide is if she is contacting you simply to stroke her Ego and she is not willing to change and move things forward, then those are better left unanswered. If she sends an honest, from the heart contact and you ignore it simply because you read about NC on this board, then that is straight up ignoring her. Take what you read on here as advice, not rules. Take it and apply it as you see fit to your life.
Author gaudi Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Nice one Ranger, think I understand, but if this helps, the e-mail that she sent last time was a basic "hey how ya doing, hows ya week been, probably won't be able to makeit out for a drink at the weekend" (with some mutual workmates we both have) "as my brother will be down and am gonna go pick him up so won't have the time" .....now the last time I had spoken to her before this she had made it perfectly clear already that she wouldn't be out with us because of her brother, and I'd already said OK no worries....it's all too confusing for me, but am getting the feeling it's just ego boosts she wants, anyone agree ??
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