whysohard Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 guys, after my breakup i started dating, i've been told that it is good for a man to have some femal friends purely platonic relationships, however my last date was so damn hot, she is basically exactly what i always wanted. few problems however: -she is 9 years older than me -we had two dates together (no touching or kissing:lmao:) -at the end of the 2nd date i asked for a third and she replied instantly as "yeah sure would be good, just as buddies though!) i have also been told that you have to surround yourself with the things you want in order to have them, so i really dont mind having her as a friend, is this viable do you think the small head will ruin everything one day?
temple Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 It's going to be a little dangerous staying friends with her if you're already attracted to her. If you want to be friends with her only because you're hoping she'll change her mind about dating you, then I wouldn't recommend it. I find her answer a little strange...I've never come across someone who'd accept a third date as long as it is just as buddies! I've dated plenty of guys I thought would have made good friends but going from casually dating to friends would have been too weird for me. Maybe that's just me though... Back to your questions: Why is 9 years older a problem?
Miko Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) Wait, small head? What exactly are we talking about . Seriously though, I'm not a huge fan of having 'too many' female friends. First, you will always want to shag her and spending all that time wanting to shag her without actually doing it is not my idea of a good time. Second, you'll probably ask her for advice on other girls once in a while, or she'll offer, and I guarantee you it will usually be biased and BAD since she wants you all to herself and may subconsciously want to keep you single so she has a friend. It may come as a 'she's not good enough for you' or 'you could do better' or something like that that sounds reasonable but if you listened to her you would just dump the girl or stop pursuing her which may be sorry about later. Third, eventually one or both of you are going to end up married and so much for being 'best friends' anyway. Edited December 13, 2009 by Miko
Pyro Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The only ways that being friends with a female can work is if you don't have an attraction to her, and if you do you can tolerate seeing her with other guys. Some of my closest friends are female and its always great to have a female POV to questions that I may have or opinions that I may want.
Miko Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 OH WAIT! I almost forgot! You said "we had two dates together, no touching or kissing:lmao:" That's why you're just friends. You can't go on a date with someone, not touch them AT ALL and expect anything to come of it. You don't have to grope her but jesus you must have physical contact of some kind and preferably of an increasingly sexual nature otherwise you ARE just friends and it's not a date it's dinner with your sister.
boogieboy Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think what she told you with "date just as friends" is a blowoff. I think when you ask her out again she will find an excuse. If you can resist your attraction to her, you can get her to bring you to her friends parties and have her set you up with her friends. You dont ask her to though, but you make good use of the networking. And yes, next time you go on a date with a woman, she wants you to touch her, dont act like a friend on the first date.
sally4sara Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 You should not go build platonic friendships with women. You will be doing it for non friendly reasons as though it is some resume building endeavor or to get into a good college (vagina).
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The "just buddies" comment of hers is not as clear-cut as it used to be. It is most likely a gentle letdown, but in this day and age, there is a chance that she is fishing for a casual sexual relationship. The reason I say this is that she is enthusiastic about a date and she has not hit you with the lovely "LJBF" yet. She could be sizing you up for sex, but has some concerns you may fall for her and turn into a puddle of goo. If she is as hot as you say, she probably has to deal with many men trying to rope her in too fast and falling too fast. A very blunt proposition is in order here if you want to find out what's what, something along the lines of "would you be up for some discrete no-strings fun?" One side benefit of this is that it will put you in the "man" role immediately in her eyes, whereas I have a hunch she has you categorized as "cute little boy" in her mind. Of course, if you are looking for a relationship or GF, don't go there, just move on to other opportunities. Better to spend your time finding what you want than hanging around waiting for something to change.
Miko Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The "just buddies" comment of hers is not as clear-cut as it used to be. It is most likely a gentle letdown, but in this day and age, there is a chance that she is fishing for a casual sexual relationship. The reason I say this is that she is enthusiastic about a date and she has not hit you with the lovely "LJBF" yet. She could be sizing you up for sex, but has some concerns you may fall for her and turn into a puddle of goo. If she is as hot as you say, she probably has to deal with many men trying to rope her in too fast and falling too fast. A very blunt proposition is in order here if you want to find out what's what, something along the lines of "would you be up for some discrete no-strings fun?" One side benefit of this is that it will put you in the "man" role immediately in her eyes, whereas I have a hunch she has you categorized as "cute little boy" in her mind. Of course, if you are looking for a relationship or GF, don't go there, just move on to other opportunities. Better to spend your time finding what you want than hanging around waiting for something to change. Good Point!
ADF Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 In my experience, men almost never go out of their way to befriend women unless thy are attracted to them. This is especially true younger men. But so what? Men also walk past women on they street every day they feel attracted to. That doesn''t men they're bound to pursue them. Your new friend has already decided what the boundries are. Be an adult. Accept that there are some things in the world you cannot have, and focus on being her friend.
phineas Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The closet I am to friends with a woman is talking on the phone once or twice a week & some texts. we meet maybe once a month & that is so our kids can play together. We are both single but I am recently separated (she knows this) & regardless of how ridiculously hot she is I am just not interested in dating until my divorce is final. I took the kids out to her place to make Christmas cookies & she was wearing a pair of low-waist ed skin tight jeans... she looked good but I just don't want a GF & she isn't open for a casual sex thing. she called me to make sure I was still awake for the 40 min. drive home & mentioned me coming out again. But then later that week her gutter broke on her house. A neighbor was fixing it but she said if I lived closer I could of fixed it. I told her me & ladders don't get along. She laughed & said maybe next time. Yeah, not falling into that trap. I got my own house to work on. I don't do that stuff unless their sleeping with me & I know their just not looking for a helper monkey. To the OP, don't become her helper monkey.
Starring_Emma Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think that I have almost as many guy friends as girl friends. I'm very picky about who I have for female friends. I'm much more critical of how my female friend act. I guess that's because I don't want them embarrassing in front of a guy that I like.
carhill Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Hey, OP, since she's not interested (in anything more than 'buddies'), have her set you up with some of her single female friends and acquaintances. If she's truly wanting to be 'just friends' and likes you in that way, she must respect you and feel you are a good guy, so, there ya go. Personal stamp of approval. This also weeds out the attention whores.
Stockalone Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Being friends with woman, good or bad? You should be friends with a woman because you value the friendship with her. In that case, being friends with a woman is great. However, and that depends on the guy, even that can be problematic, once you develop feelings for her. If the reason for being friends is because she is hot and you hope that friendship might help you to get to know other women; then it's a really selfish and bad idea. In your case, I agree with sally4sara. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be friends with this particular woman.
phineas Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Hey, OP, since she's not interested (in anything more than 'buddies'), have her set you up with some of her single female friends and acquaintances. If she's truly wanting to be 'just friends' and likes you in that way, she must respect you and feel you are a good guy, so, there ya go. Personal stamp of approval. This also weeds out the attention whores. The really good attention whores will just say "you can do better".
carhill Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Yeah, that's because they have no female friends and get all their validation from men
Stockalone Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) Hey, OP, since she's not interested (in anything more than 'buddies'), have her set you up with some of her single female friends and acquaintances. If she's truly wanting to be 'just friends' and likes you in that way, she must respect you and feel you are a good guy, so, there ya go. Personal stamp of approval. This also weeds out the attention whores. I agree with you. If you are friends with a woman, that shouldn't be a problem; for both parties. That said, wouldn't it be dishonest (wrong even) if that would be the main reason for befriending a woman? Thinking "well, she is hot. Maybe she has hot friends to set me up with?" Maybe I am being unfair on the OP, but that seemed to be case here. Edited December 13, 2009 by Stockalone
carhill Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I don't befriend women because they're 'hot', so don't know how that dynamic would work. I befriend them because of shared interests, philosophies and compatible personality styles. Some have been platonic and some have grown into attraction and/or romance. A former bff set me up on a number of dates with acquaintances and, though none panned out, I was appreciative of her efforts. That's what friends are for. As described by the OP, I would not recommend my advice other than to weed her out as an attention whore. He's not interested in having a female friend, at least not *this* female friend. That's my instinct.
Author whysohard Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 @Carhil attention whore LOL dude, i read about three different threads in the past five minutes and most of your answers included references to "Attention seeking whores". i must read your previous posts to see whats the background of all this..... in all seriousness though, thank you guys for the advice. i'm not chasing ass at the moment, i have been with my STBXW for so long i just want to enjoy the company of other women... dont care if the small head is not happy, for now he's been demoted to the role of Urine Dispenser with benifits....
Stockalone Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I don't befriend women because they're 'hot', so don't know how that dynamic would work. I befriend them because of shared interests, philosophies and compatible personality styles. Some have been platonic and some have grown into attraction and/or romance. A former bff set me up on a number of dates with acquaintances and, though none panned out, I was appreciative of her efforts. That's what friends are for. I knew that. As described by the OP, I would not recommend my advice other than to weed her out as an attention whore. He's not interested in having a female friend, at least not *this* female friend. That's my instinct. Thanks for the clarification.
carhill Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 i read about three different threads in the past five minutes and most of your answers included references to "Attention seeking whores" It's Sunday and that's attention whore day for me. Mistakenly love an attention whore and it changes you. i have been with my STBXW for so long i just want to enjoy the company of other women I was married for nearly a decade and 'enjoyed the company of women' all along; my stbx's female friends, male friend's wives, etc. I'll presume you did the same. I continue to in the midst of divorce. I personally would not seek out single women to 'enjoy their company' but YMMV. When I look at an online personal ad, I'm not thinking I want to shoot the breeze about cars with the lady whose ad I'm perusing. If you want to 'enjoy the company of women', try pursuing a compatible interest and meeting women that way. Lots of them will be married and in relationships, so you can enjoy their company. No dating required If you want to date, be clear about that; don't waffle; don't back up.
D-Jam Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Gal pals are good to have as long as you're not interested in dating them and they are real friends to you. That means she doesn't ignore you all the time unless she wants to bitch to you about guys. Plus if she's introducing you to her single female friends, then it's a plus. I've seen too many guys become "pals" with women, only to see how he woul do anything for her as a pal but she just tosses him on the shelf and pulls him down when she needs him. Like she's got no man and needs an escort to the office party to avoid looking like a loser for being alone.
phineas Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Gal pals are good to have as long as you're not interested in dating them and they are real friends to you. That means she doesn't ignore you all the time unless she wants to bitch to you about guys. Plus if she's introducing you to her single female friends, then it's a plus. I've seen too many guys become "pals" with women, only to see how he woul do anything for her as a pal but she just tosses him on the shelf and pulls him down when she needs him. Like she's got no man and needs an escort to the office party to avoid looking like a loser for being alone. The sad thing is there are so many women out there like this & the worst part is they get pissed at men who end the "friendship" because they don't want to be taken advantage of. I've been there. They just don't get it either when you tell them why you are kicking them to the curb.
Miko Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 (edited) The sad thing is there are so many women out there like this & the worst part is they get pissed at men who end the "friendship" because they don't want to be taken advantage of. I've been there. They just don't get it either when you tell them why you are kicking them to the curb. No kidding, twice in my life have I gotten in a fight with a woman 'friend' because I told them I wasn't doing this bff thing anymore. What do you mean you don't understand!? Duh, I wanna f*** you sideways and can't look at you without thinking about it so yes, I think our coffeeshop conversations may be *weird* from now on! What don't you understand about that? Edited December 14, 2009 by Miko
Author whysohard Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 so ask her for the a third date today and her reply "Sure. i know what to do with you..." is this flirting?
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