eeyore1981 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I am so sorry this has turned out the way it has. Have you contacted her husband with the latest? I know you still love your H, but he is a prick, so don't let his twisting the situation and putting the blame on you effect how you handle this. Yes, you contacted her H, that damn sure didn't mean your H had to contact her, and also, who's to say he wasn't in contact with her anyway, your H? Puhleeze.... I would definitely get tested ASAP. And I also agree with you, let them get their own tests done, you owe them nothing. Try and use this time apart to wallow in everything he has done to you, whenever you are able to. If you do end up trying to get back together, you want to do whatever you can to make sure this is what you really want, and on the outside looking in, I can't imagine why you would want to continue a marriage with this man. You need to take some time so you can be able to step back and really SEE how this man has treated you, and how he is still treating you. I'm sorry. I was hoping against hope, apparently, for a better outcome for you.
hopeless4u Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 okay so which test do I get? Anyone with experience in this? Online there are several blood tests..igg igm, etc/....the Igg (i think) says the test cant be done until you havent had sex in the last 6 weeks (I have). So I have to wait till the new year.....I also read that the first 'outbreak' usually appears w/i 2 weeks of infection...but then I also read that it could happen years later..lovely. is it wrong of me to hope my H got it and i got spared? I kinda feel that way, I know it is wrong, but why am I having to go thru this? B/c his dick forgot to ask his head to ask for an STD test.....oh, but they discussed it and she said she was clean....... I had to get tested for an std when my xH (many yrs ago) played around with a tart who had slept with most of the guys in the small town we lived in. It was very embarrassing but once it was done the relief was so worth it. I just went in there and said my husband had played away and I was worried. They were lovely and didn't look down on me at all. I hope it all goes ok and that you enjoyed your spa;)
PhoenixRise Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I'm going to give you some good advice right now. Decorate your house for Christmas, play music, eat your favorite foods, watch movies, go for a walk or to the gym, have friends over, manage your finances, get dressed, look pretty, get out and do things (even if it's just the Post Office and food shopping), drink a glass of good red wine before bed. If you start to feel lonely and sorry for yourself (quite normal reactions), own these emotions as part of the healing process (they must be confronted, dealt with, and worked through), but don't let them render you immobile and catatonic. Cry if you need to, but then force yourself to get physically moving. You must function as a healthy household even if you feel 'sick.' If you can't, then go through the motions until you have the "I'm going to be alright" moment of clarity. Trust me on this one, when your WH sees how well you get along without him, how much better, cleaner, organized the house is, how pretty, "happy," and independent you look, he's going to get terrified, and make a push to get you back, and swear "it'll never happen again." And then it'll be your decision. Good luck. Foreal the post above captures exactly what I wanted to say to you. AND don't do any of this thinking "well if he sees this he will want to come back". Do it assuming that your Marriage is OVER. Your H will be back....but for real....that is not the point. Not anymore. Withdraw all the energy you have been giving the marriage, the affair, his behavior, and put it toward building for yourself and your son a happy joyous life. See your divorce atty..find out what you are entitled to and make a plan based on what is best for your life.
Lizzie60 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 He cheated on you with a cocaine addict.. with herpes.. that you're not sure you have it or not.. but still... from your post.. I have this feeling you will take him back.. or at least you will NOT do anything to prevent him from walking all over you again... You NEED to resist seeing him ... when he picks up your son or whatever the situation is... you need to be away (at least for the time you need to KNOW for sure that you will resist the urge to take him back).. because trust me.. he will never change.. and right now... you are in a verrrry dangerous situation (of taking him back)...
Author foreal Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 He cheated on you with a cocaine addict.. with herpes.. that you're not sure you have it or not.. but still... from your post.. I have this feeling you will take him back.. or at least you will NOT do anything to prevent him from walking all over you again... You NEED to resist seeing him ... when he picks up your son or whatever the situation is... you need to be away (at least for the time you need to KNOW for sure that you will resist the urge to take him back).. because trust me.. he will never change.. and right now... you are in a verrrry dangerous situation (of taking him back)... I hear you Lizzie. I am strong. I came home and he was here....he kept hanging around ....I finally said, "it's time for you to go"..he is a wreck! I am kinda cracking up at how calm I am...I am SO happy to have him outta here- I can breathe. I won't allow him to walk on me anymore. I have had so many choices made for me at this point, I am now making choices, MY choices. But I hear you- I know I am vulnerable.....but .....I am pretty strong- especially now that I have my head on straight....I really did think i was going crazy...it was torture..but I now know it is HIM that's out of his mind, not me. He volunteered to me HE was going to get tested. I asked him if he was going to ask her as well and he angrily said, "who cares about her? What difference does it make? We need to know for us"..I was like, uh well, 2 days ago you needed closure with her, about the coke and herpes....and he said that he's realizing how insane it all is...how she is not the problem that he is responsible and whatever she is doing who cares he just wants his family back.....blah blah blah.....I said 'oh" and walked out of the room. ...okaaaaay...whatever. And he may indeed cheat again- but not on me. It is interesting that you know he will never change. Why do you say that? (I think I know why but I'd like your opinion if you'd like to offer it.) Thanks!
Author foreal Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Well, an affair with a married coke addict with herpes. So much for social climbing; I've always admired people with high standards. Enjoy your newfound 'earned' freedom. It's been 7.5 years for me, and the blush still hasn't worn off my - as I see it - freedom and independence. Two words that are very important to me. This will be an adjustment for sure, so give it time to get used to sleeping solo in a bed. Trust me, this is better than 3 in a bed, with the 3rd being an invisible phantom succubus. You're supposed to get lonely, you're supposed to get scared, you're supposed to start second-guessing yourself and indulging in the luxury of self-blame. This is not your fault, so banish any feelings of guilt if they knock and demand entrance. I'm going to give you some good advice right now. Decorate your house for Christmas, play music, eat your favorite foods, watch movies, go for a walk or to the gym, have friends over, manage your finances, get dressed, look pretty, get out and do things (even if it's just the Post Office and food shopping), drink a glass of good red wine before bed. If you start to feel lonely and sorry for yourself (quite normal reactions), own these emotions as part of the healing process (they must be confronted, dealt with, and worked through), but don't let them render you immobile and catatonic. Cry if you need to, but then force yourself to get physically moving. You must function as a healthy household even if you feel 'sick.' If you can't, then go through the motions until you have the "I'm going to be alright" moment of clarity. Trust me on this one, when your WH sees how well you get along without him, how much better, cleaner, organized the house is, how pretty, "happy," and independent you look, he's going to get terrified, and make a push to get you back, and swear "it'll never happen again." And then it'll be your decision. Good luck. great post. thank you!
Author foreal Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 I am so sorry this has turned out the way it has. Have you contacted her husband with the latest? I know you still love your H, but he is a prick, so don't let his twisting the situation and putting the blame on you effect how you handle this. Yes, you contacted her H, that damn sure didn't mean your H had to contact her, and also, who's to say he wasn't in contact with her anyway, your H? Puhleeze.... I would definitely get tested ASAP. And I also agree with you, let them get their own tests done, you owe them nothing. Try and use this time apart to wallow in everything he has done to you, whenever you are able to. If you do end up trying to get back together, you want to do whatever you can to make sure this is what you really want, and on the outside looking in, I can't imagine why you would want to continue a marriage with this man. You need to take some time so you can be able to step back and really SEE how this man has treated you, and how he is still treating you. I'm sorry. I was hoping against hope, apparently, for a better outcome for you. Thnaks eeyore....i have not contacted her H. We agreed to stop communicating..too painful for us both. He's a typical guy, he wants to know no details- that she cheated (again) is enough for him. Whereaas i wanted ALLLLLL the info..... So we said our goodbyes and havent heard from one another since.
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