The hazards of women approaching men

[HokeyPokey]

I know it's tough for men to have to initiate most of the approaching. I also know that rejection sucks no matter what. But...

 

I've always had this theory that a man rejecting a woman's approach is much more devastating. Many men say they'd be flattered if any woman were to approach them; however, in my personal experience and from observations working at a bar swarming with lusty singles, they can often be just as rude and dismissive as some women, if not more so.

 

If a woman has the guts and determination to approach a man and make first contact, she is likely extremely interested, which also means (yeah, this is going to be a bit crass) she will probably be much more interested in a bit of the sexy fun early on. So if a man rejects this fairly rare invitation, it can be beyond humiliating. To use an analogy (crass again): He's hungry and waltzed right past the free sample booth.

 

This is pretty much why I have given up on ever boldly making a first approach. Unless he is taken, if a man rejects you immediately it means he doesn't find you remotely attractive. Whereas women tend to make rejections based on a wider variety of reasons.

 

Any other women been have bad experience with approaching men? Whatcha think?

 

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

[Pyro]

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

 

Looks is definitely a key factor because without the physical attraction, there is nothing there. If she had a good personality but the physical attraction wasn't there at all, then I would still say no.

 

I can tell you from experience that when the physical attraction/passion dies in a relationship, then so does the relationship.

[FilthMerchant]

I know it's tough for men to have to initiate most of the approaching. I also know that rejection sucks no matter what. But...

 

I've always had this theory that a man rejecting a woman's approach is much more devastating. Many men say they'd be flattered if any woman were to approach them; however, in my personal experience and from observations working at a bar swarming with lusty singles, they can often be just as rude and dismissive as some women, if not more so.

 

If a woman has the guts and determination to approach a man and make first contact, she is likely extremely interested, which also means (yeah, this is going to be a bit crass) she will probably be much more interested in a bit of the sexy fun early on. So if a man rejects this fairly rare invitation, it can be beyond humiliating. To use an analogy (crass again): He's hungry and waltzed right past the free sample booth.

 

If it doesn't take guts, determination and high interest for a man to approach a woman, what does it take? It seems that in the case of this example, the problem lies with the woman and not with the man. The woman who finds rejection from a singular, perfect stranger of a male 'beyond humiliating' has an extremely fragile self-esteem and needs to learn to like herself and have confidence (two traits that are attractive). Many men have similar reactions to failed approaches, though there are a few (and a few women too) who will be affected only minimally by rejection because they have a secure self-esteem, unshakable self-belief and confidence and they will proceed to explore their plethora of alternatives.

 

This is pretty much why I have given up on ever boldly making a first approach. Unless he is taken, if a man rejects you immediately it means he doesn't find you remotely attractive. Whereas women tend to make rejections based on a wider variety of reasons.

 

A wider variety of reasons? That's not true. If a woman rejects a man because he is a pushover, or he is rude, or he is earning barely anything, then we can say that the woman has found his pushover-ness, or his rudeness, or his earning barely anything unattractive. Conversely, resilience, politeness, and wealth would be attractive qualities.

 

While it is true that men place more of a priority on physical attractiveness than women, it is also true that most men are less affected by affronts to their appearance than women are, and that most women are less affected by affronts to qualities that a woman might look for in a man (self-reliance, athletic ability, etc).

 

As for the men who are cruel in their rejection, this reflects their own self-esteem problems. I'd wager that they are using it as an opportunity to vent their own frustration and shame about being rejected themselves by other women.

 

Any other women been have bad experience with approaching men? Whatcha think?

 

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

 

I wouldn't do it rudely. When I am choosing a woman, she first needs to pass a looks threshold to even be considered, which will be decided on the spot, and I will not be consciously aware of it. If she fails to arouse my interest in her physically, she simply won't be considered as a sexual being of any sort and as far as my romantic interests in her go, she's in the same category as family and male friends.

 

If she has been 'considered as a sexual being' (lol) then what I gauge about her personality will still leave her plenty of ways to increase or decrease my interest, and I won't go into that here for obvious reasons.

[temple]

Any other women been have bad experience with approaching men? Whatcha think?

 

On average it's the guy doing the approaching, but I have had good experiences in approaching men. They really appreciate the attention from a woman confident enough to do such a thing and I certainly don't think they assume 'too much' from it. Then again, maybe I've just had the good fortune of finding men mature enough not to think from their pants!

 

I think the key here though, is that I don't approach men in clubs. The vibe in clubs seems solely focused on getting laid..

[New Again]

I made most of the first moves with my current b/f...met him in a bar, but only because he was (is) good friends with my sister.

 

I think I've approached most of the guys I've dated...at least the ones I've had relationships with.

[torranceshipman]

I take my hat off to people approaching someone in a bar and chatting them up - I seriously do not have the balls to do that!!

[Kamille]

They really appreciate the attention from a woman confident enough to do such a thing and I certainly don't think they assume 'too much' from it. Then again, maybe I've just had the good fortune of finding men mature enough not to think from their pants!

 

 

Re: 'men assuming a woman approaching will be more into a bit of sexy fun'. Being able to pick good men is definitely a part of it but in my experience, attitude has a lot more to do with it. I've chatted men up in bars without leading them to think I was easy (or if they assumed as much, they were in for a big disappointment). It's on the level of flirting I think.

 

Basically, there's a way to approach men without throwing oneself at them: Light casual flirting. If the guy is interested, he'll take the bait. If he's not, he'll find a gentle way to let a woman down. Either way, light casual flirting ensures he can't assume a woman is easy just for chatting him up.

 

I guess the same is true for men. A guy who approaches to forcefully is more likely to get rejected then a guy who uses a smoother approach (light flirting, creating some intrigue, not putting pressure on the other person to validate them).

[temple]

Re: 'men assuming a woman approaching will be more into a bit of sexy fun'. Being able to pick good men is definitely a part of it but in my experience, attitude has a lot more to do with it. I've chatted men up in bars without leading them to think I was easy (or if they assumed as much, they were in for a big disappointment). It's on the level of flirting I think.

 

Basically, there's a way to approach men without throwing oneself at them: Light casual flirting. If the guy is interested, he'll take the bait. If he's not, he'll find a gentle way to let a woman down. Either way, light casual flirting ensures he can't assume a woman is easy just for chatting him up.

 

I guess the same is true for men. A guy who approaches to forcefully is more likely to get rejected then a guy who uses a smoother approach (light flirting, creating some intrigue, not putting pressure on the other person to validate them).

 

I completely agree. There is a difference between being flirtatious and being downright sleazy. I try to make sure the first compliment isn't one about their appearance

[jerbear]

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

I would not reject a woman who approached me.

 

Case in point, I've met a nice woman who actually did approach me, we've set up a date. Right now we're working on setting up a 2nd date. She just started her new job and due to the holidays, we're both busy.

 

We have many things in common, education, desires, ambition, travel, learning new things, kinda strange how two people met.

[Pyro]

I would not reject a woman who approached me.

 

Even if you had no ounce of physical attraction to her whatsoever?

 

What if she was married?

[jerbear]

Even if you had no ounce of physical attraction to her whatsoever?

 

What if she was married?

 

Every woman can be attractive, even married ones.

 

Married woman well it depends on her. I've had an ONS with an married woman. She was an ambitious business woman, like an SVP of a national company.

[Pyro]

Every woman can be attractive, even married ones.

 

Married woman well it depends on her. I've had an ONS with an married woman. She was an ambitious business woman, like an SVP of a national company.

 

I guess that is where we disagree. Some women I can't find attractive, just like I'm sure some women don't find me appealing.

 

Thats where I draw my line, but whatever floats your boat.

[jerbear]

I guess that is where we disagree. Some women I can't find attractive, just like I'm sure some women don't find me appealing.

 

Thats where I draw my line, but whatever floats your boat.

 

I know. I've actually withheld one comment but will send you a PM.

[boogieboy]

 

I've always had this theory that a man rejecting a woman's approach is much more devastating. Many men say they'd be flattered if any woman were to approach them; however, in my personal experience and from observations working at a bar swarming with lusty singles, they can often be just as rude and dismissive as some women, if not more so.

 

So if a man rejects this fairly rare invitation, it can be beyond humiliating.

 

Its ionly more devastating for you because you arent doing it right. Its not devastating for women who know what they are doing.

 

When men approach women, they dont build up the guts, they just do it. They dont worry about the results knowing they will succeed. Men do it and if the woman bites, great. If she doesnt, so what, next. Building things up in your mind is where you create your own humiliation. Youre not supposed to feel humiliated because a guy doesnt find you attractive. Youre not supposed to worry about the results. Youre supposed to take it with a grain of salt and only start getting emotionally invested if you suceed.

 

Its not actually more devastating for women in general, they just approach it the wrong way. Women who have no problem approaching guys dont get invested in it before they know the guy.

 

So you dont have to stop approaching guys to get what you want, you just have to stop worrying about the results, and get used to the rejections. Once you get used to it, you will realize not to get invested in the guy so early, and not to think so much about why he rejected you, and keep it moving.

 

Also if you are getting rejected every time, you are obviously approaching guys that think you are below their league, might have to adjust your standards a lil.

Edited December 13, 2009 by boogieboy

[meerkat stew]

As a woman, there's almost never a reason for you to subject yourself to the type of humiliation you are describing. Just talk to the guy, stand close to him, after a certain point, touch his arm, smile, flirt, keep eye contact a bit longer. If he is interested, he will ask for your number or hit on you. If he doesn't respond favorably, move on to other options. If it's a school or certain work situations, you will need to do a little detective work to see where he goes socially after class or work before you can approach.

 

If the guy you want to approach is top 10% in wealth, looks and social value, realize that it may be more difficult and take some time, as he has almost the same options open to him as you do as a woman. This type of guy is going to expect more from you than physical attractiveness, so you will have to develop some attraction/seduction skills and social value of your own.

[PJKino]

As a man who has low self esteem with the opposite sex and is very shy when it comes to approaching random women id love if a girl showed some interest it would make thing much easier for me..

 

You as a women dont even have to put yoursevles that out there just start a light conversation with a guy or ask some random question in a bar or club or wherever if the guys atracted hell take it from there..

[Stockalone]

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

 

When a woman approaches me, I ask myself two things:

 

 

1. Am I attracted to her?

 

2. Do we get along reasonably well during our initial conversation?

 

 

If the answer to one of those questions is no, then I will reject her.

Edited December 13, 2009 by Stockalone

[Jaytb]

I know it's tough for men to have to initiate most of the approaching. I also know that rejection sucks no matter what. But...

 

I've always had this theory that a man rejecting a woman's approach is much more devastating. Many men say they'd be flattered if any woman were to approach them; however, in my personal experience and from observations working at a bar swarming with lusty singles, they can often be just as rude and dismissive as some women, if not more so.

 

If a woman has the guts and determination to approach a man and make first contact, she is likely extremely interested, which also means (yeah, this is going to be a bit crass) she will probably be much more interested in a bit of the sexy fun early on. So if a man rejects this fairly rare invitation, it can be beyond humiliating. To use an analogy (crass again): He's hungry and waltzed right past the free sample booth.

 

This is pretty much why I have given up on ever boldly making a first approach. Unless he is taken, if a man rejects you immediately it means he doesn't find you remotely attractive. Whereas women tend to make rejections based on a wider variety of reasons.

 

Any other women been have bad experience with approaching men? Whatcha think?

 

And guys: Why would you reject a woman who approached you? Looks only or are there other factors?

 

A woman asking out men who's devastated by rejection is thin-skinned. If you want to ask out guys, you got to take the possibility of rejection into account.

 

If a woman asked me out and I was single, the same rules apply as if I was the asker. I want to be attracted, and I want a good personality. If I'm not attracted then I'll reject. I, and other men, don't date women just because they asked me out, there has to be something of substance in the relationship.

 

If a woman can't accept rejection, then she shouldn't ask guys out. Simple as that. If she can accept rejection, then she should by all means ask guys out. It's not any different from men asking women out.

[New Again]

As a man who has low self esteem with the opposite sex and is very shy when it comes to approaching random women id love if a girl showed some interest it would make thing much easier for me..

 

You as a women dont even have to put yoursevles that out there just start a light conversation with a guy or ask some random question in a bar or club or wherever if the guys atracted hell take it from there..

 

That's false. Without going in-depth as to why, I'll just point out that your entire statement is reliant on the man being attracted to the girl, AND being confident. I think you're making a lot of assumptions based on your own low self esteem and thinking that others have it easier than you do.

 

I hope you're doing something to work on your self-esteem. I think you would find that that makes all the difference with women. Of course, if you had normal self-esteem, what others think of you would matter a lot less.

[threebyfate]

I think people should worry less about the "goal" or "object" and learn more about self and also the type of target audience you want to appeal to.

 

 

For example:

1. If you want a more alpha-style male, you sit back and let them hunt.
   
2. If you want a guy who's inbetween or more passive, you hunt.
   

Just make certain you know what drives you as a person. Don't "want" alpha men because they're thought to be of more value, when their personality types don't mesh with yours aka, you HAVE to be in control at all times or you HAVE to mother them.

 

I'm quite head strong but once I find my match, I'm fine with him leading as long as he makes good relationship decisions and also, knows when he's out of his depth, willingly taking a back seat.

 

Also, I know I would ride roughshod over someone who isn't a strong personality with defined boundaries.

 

So...know yourself and know what personality types work with you.

[PJKino]

That's false. Without going in-depth as to why, I'll just point out that your entire statement is reliant on the man being attracted to the girl, AND being confident. I think you're making a lot of assumptions based on your own low self esteem and thinking that others have it easier than you do.

 

.

 

I said the man has to be attracted to her the point is she doesnt have to put herself out there all the way if a guys interested a simple question to him will get him going if he doesnt show signs all u did was ask a question.

 

As far as self esteem its not that bad i just relaize if a womens not attracted to you all the self etetem or confidecne in the world wont make a difference.

[Kamille]

 

Don't "want" alpha men because they're thought to be of more value, when their personality types don't mesh with yours aka, you HAVE to be in control at all times or you HAVE to mother them.

 

 

Interesting. This post has made me realize that, I'm not an alpha-female and so, in my experience, I fare better in relationships with non-alphas. TBF is an alpha-female who gets along great with an alpha-male, whereas I'm a what? Beta-female () who gets along better with Beta-males. (Not that he's a loser... BF is a total sweetheart !)

 

The one important process in both TBF and my relationship is how we build trust in the relationship. BF and I are both mellow and we both struggle at time to express our boundaries. As a result, we also both tend to cater to each other and to check with the other before making a relationship-decision.

 

Off-topic but I felt like sharing.

[New Again]

I said the man has to be attracted to her the point is she doesnt have to put herself out there all the way if a guys interested a simple question to him will get him going if he doesnt show signs all u did was ask a question.

But that's just it: the woman is putting herself out there just as much as a man.

 

If the guy isn't attracted to her, she's in the same position as any man who approaches a woman who's not attracted to him. If she's not attracted, all he did was ask a question

 

If the guy is attracted to her, she's in the same position as any man who approaches a woman who is attracted to him.

 

Men and women are the same so far as if they are mutually attracted/interested, they will make it easy on the other.

 

As far as self esteem its not that bad

That's good

 

i just relaize if a womens not attracted to you all the self etetem or confidecne in the world wont make a difference.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, k? Women are attracted to confidence.

[PJKino]

 

 

I'm going to let you in on a little secret, k? Women are attracted to confidence.

 

On men who theyre physically attracted to

[threebyfate]

Interesting. This post has made me realize that, I'm not an alpha-female and so, in my experience, I fare better in relationships with non-alphas. TBF is an alpha-female who gets along great with an alpha-male, whereas I'm a what? Beta-female () who gets along better with Beta-males. (Not that he's a loser... BF is a total sweetheart !)

 

The one important process in both TBF and my relationship is how we build trust in the relationship. BF and I are both mellow and we both struggle at time to express our boundaries. As a result, we also both tend to cater to each other and to check with the other before making a relationship-decision.

 

Off-topic but I felt like sharing.

Call it what you want. Maybe I'm a pineapple that prefers pinapples and you're a strawberry that prefers strawberries.

 

All I'm saying is that it's best to understand what drives you as an individual, before making the choice to pursue or not.

 

With my H., he made the initial contact by helping me. Then, I had my friends invite him to an open-ended NYE party, so I could thank him...wink, wink, nudge, nudge...yeah, so I could thank him, that was it...

 

Right away, he took initiative and had my friend give him my phone number after the invite, taking charge from the onset and running with it, not only accepting the invite but also inviting me to the NYE party he was already going to attend. I don't know if he would have impressed me at much if he hadn't done that.

 

Dating and mating is like a mirror dance, where someone makes the opening move and the other person follows. If both are trying to lead at all times, you're going to get mass confusion, hence no connection. If no one leads, you're not going to get a connection going.

 

Kamille, your mirror dance is that sometimes your b/f or you, come up with an idea, then the two of you discuss it, and then you both move together but in unison. This takes more effort and communication and yet, works for the two of you.