samsungxoxo Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 do you always have to be so straight forward and to the point even if that means telling them you don't love him/her anymore or just partial? I'm about to finally dump my LDR b/F after putting me through too much hassle plus I don't love him (don't even like him as a boyfriend no more)? Only I will just tell him that I won't tell him the whole complete version. I won't tell him the ''I don't really love you'' part either.
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Is it even possible to be bf/gf in an LDR or is it just a friendship?
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Is it even possible to be bf/gf in an LDR or is it just a friendship? He's been acting like a friend during our whole LDR, not like a b/f, a real man that is.. Not a silly boy that keeps talking about the moon and the stars and keeps breaking promises, feeding me with lies after lies..... But I don't care no more, I lied to him also when I told him how much I loved him too. The truth is I quit loving him somewhere between March-May of this year. Nothing has changed, I still yet don't love him no more. Don't even like him as date material plus I have talked smack about him online...
funktastic Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Be straighforward and dont give him any other excuses that are not true, just tell him straight to point you dont love him and you dont see a future with him. When you do tell him the news, dont give him breakcrumbs or some false hope about maybe getting back together later or stay friend. As for "I have talked smack about him online... " this is not the sort of things you should be doing or saying. It only makes you look small and imature. Now get to work Funk
trueblue72ny Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 you dont have to tell him you dont love him. think about that, if the shoe was on the other foot it would probably crush you. i mean he is probably not a bad person it just isnt working out. my thoughts are if you just are upfront and say hey we can remain friends (you dont have too) but this LDR thing isnt working for me anymore. sorry. and just leave it at that. you are lucy in that you dont have to see hi ever again if you dont want too. and that is a much easier situation to deal with than someone that is close by. easy breezy.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Why not tell him you don't love him as a partner? Be honest. That's what my partner told me when he left me, loved me but not in love anymore.
nobmagnet Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 be honest. Dont lie. he probably feels the same way. Please dont lie though, work on a heartfelt explanation to him. " " hello, your dumped" no "hello, dont love you" probably not " hello, I am not coping with the relationship the way it is. I feel its not working as it should for both of us. What do you think?" retorical questions mean you will hear how he feels and take it from there. You loved him once, give him some respect if you can. value his oppinion. At least give him a chance to tell you how he is feeling. To end a relationship with dignaty on both sides is important. RESPECT is everything. x
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The line I use is, "The relationship is not working for me any more and it is time to part ways." If they object or argue, simply say, "Sorry, but my mind is made up. It is best that we not stay in communication to allow us both to move on. I wish the best for you going forward" Give no other detail and end the conversation as gracefully and quickly as possible. Then go strict NC for at least a few months. There is no need to insult or hurt someone by telling them you don't love them and don't see a future with them. Less said the better when breaking up, just be firm, kind and brief.
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Just give it to him straight. My own ex is engaged to a girl he CONSTANTLY bad mouths every chance he gets. Yet, he still has an engagement ring on his finger. He met his fiancee' this past summer and has been long distance ever since. She texts and calls him at least 40-50x a day (no joking) and is the one who proposed although he told her it was moving too fast. I ALMOST feel sorry for his new fiancee'! My ex is not being true to her. At work he grumbles and everyone comments how sad he looks when she calls. He is henpecked and nagged from over 1000 miles away plus she demands he call him back within 5 minutes OR ELSE. THIS is who he dumped me for. And it appears he is going to go through a marriage he doesn't really want because he is not being straight forward with her. Do it. Tell him how you feel and leave no stone unturned.
stillafool Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 do you always have to be so straight forward and to the point even if that means telling them you don't love him/her anymore or just partial? I'm about to finally dump my LDR b/F after putting me through too much hassle plus I don't love him (don't even like him as a boyfriend no more)? Only I will just tell him that I won't tell him the whole complete version. I won't tell him the ''I don't really love you'' part either. Definitely tell him you don't really love him. I know I'd rather have the bitter truth and not have to wonder as I'm moving forward.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 When you do tell him the news, dont give him breakcrumbs or some false hope about maybe getting back together later or stay friend. Actually staying friends is ok with me, but I will never get back together with him. I wonder how he will take the ''Just as friends only, no more, I don't love you no more and won't plan on getting back with you''..
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Trying to maintain a friendship post breakup almost never works, so unless you are certain it will for some reason, best not to put "friends only" on the table. When you are ready to be done, get out all the way and go NC, it's for the best.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Trying to maintain a friendship post breakup almost never works, so unless you are certain it will for some reason, best not to put "friends only" on the table. When you are ready to be done, get out all the way and go NC, it's for the best. Yeah I know, though there are some people that have new relationships or even gotten married and still managed to stay friend with their ex's. I guess I want to remember him as the one who gave me experience and made me see through others things in life, made me saw what I really now want in friends as well as men and was my first as well.
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 You may be able to be friends, but down the road, not in the immediate aftermath. A bomb just went off, you need to get to separate bomb shelters and stay there until the debris is completely cleaned up.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Actually staying friends is ok with me, but I will never get back together with him. I wonder how he will take the ''Just as friends only, no more, I don't love you no more and won't plan on getting back with you''.. Why do you care how he takes it if you don't love him or want him anymore?
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Why do you care how he takes it if you don't love him or want him anymore? I already broke up with him on Christmas. I think that even if you don't love the person anymore, there's always a bit of some guilty feelings over the fact that the relationship didn't quite turn out as one expected it would and the fact that the dumpee will get hurt either way.
HLP234 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Please just tell the truth and don't give him excuses such as "its just not working." My gf told me she needed time/space and I agreed and now I have been dragged around like an idiot. She then said I complained about waiting while she figured herself out. To be honest, if the truth hurts, I would rather have the complete truth and move on than just something to let me down easily. I've been put through too much pain this way and now its just a limbo. Tell him exactly when you stopped having feelings for him and why, and just let him know how you feel about it. At least that way you don't have any regrets. No offense but I don't think any guy likes to hear something that leaves them wondering..either both or one of you will take it more painfully than the other, particularly you will be fine since you don't want the relationship anymore. So to be simple lol, just say the truth..its always for the best.
Vampire Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Please just tell the truth and don't give him excuses such as "its just not working." My gf told me she needed time/space and I agreed and now I have been dragged around like an idiot. She then said I complained about waiting while she figured herself out. Completely agree. I was strung out for the much fabled "...maybe in 6 months time...I need to find myself...." routine, which crashed down after 4 months and left me completely heartbroken. I also got the bull**** "Well if you hadn't pressured me, maybe we would have got back together", so that she wouldn't have to feel guilty. Coming from the other side of your problem, I'd say you need to cut him loose and let him get on with getting over it sooner than later. The truth is I quit loving him somewhere between March-May of this year. Nothing has changed, I still yet don't love him no more. Don't even like him as date material plus I have talked smack about him online... Uncool. Seriously, let him go. There's no point playing with people's emotions as karma has a weird way of creeping up on you when you least expect it. Good luck.
HLP234 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Completely agree. I was strung out for the much fabled "...maybe in 6 months time...I need to find myself...." routine, which crashed down after 4 months and left me completely heartbroken. I also got the bull**** "Well if you hadn't pressured me, maybe we would have got back together", so that she wouldn't have to feel guilty. Wow she actually gave you a time frame? She was like if you want me to put a time limit on it I can (what a mean thing to say to someone). I didn't get one, and I can't deal with the situation anymore as it seems like she does not care. We haven't said much to each other over this winter break but I know she will be back and want to talk to me or hang out. As much as I don't want to let her go I think I will have to or else it seems like I will only be hurting myself. But I plan on just telling the truth as well and part of that means telling her how much I have been hurt by this..even if everyone's advice says not to do that and just do NC.
Vampire Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Wow she actually gave you a time frame? She was like if you want me to put a time limit on it I can (what a mean thing to say to someone). She played me like a violin. She said, much like your situation, that she needed time and space and maybe in 6 months time "...but it might be less" - that last bit gave me so much hope, especially when she followed it up with, "...and then you can move all your stuff back home...". The truth is, that in this time, she contacted an ex (that I'm still convinced she slept with halfway through our relationship) on Facebook, along with another ex she dated for less than 6 months 15 years ago who she appears to have pined over - he's now married with a kid. It took her 4 months to say "No" and this was straight after coming back from her 2 week holiday staying with one of the ex's in America, although I had to call her to find out. Played, my friend, played. That's why the OP needs to consider her ex's feelings regardless of how bad her situation was. Keeping an ex for some kind of security blanket, is very cold.
Phateless Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Best to just tell him outright so that he doesn't waste his time hoping you'll change your mind. Don't be mean, but DO tell him: Your feelings have changed and you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. If he wants to ask you questions about when and how, answer them. Be prepared for him to ask if there is someone else. Whatever you do, just make sure you are clear and direct. Do not leave anything unclear because he will be holding onto hope. DO NOT CONTACT HIM for at least 6 months. He'll need time to get over it.
D-Lish Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I think when you break up with someone it's important to be clear that there is no hope for reconciliation. One ex broke up with me and gave me a laundry list of everything he hated about me, told me he hadn't been in love with me for months, and that I had made him miserable for months. I internalized everything he said and took it so personally that I walked around hating myself for 2 years. It was really uncalled for, and def designed to hurt me in the deepest way. I think it's important to be honest- but never necessary to be cruel.
Author samsungxoxo Posted December 31, 2009 Author Posted December 31, 2009 Well two days after Christmas (the date I ended with him) I did told him about not feeling the same, that I wasn't in love anymore. However, for some reason I couldn't erase him completely so I'm now his friend, which he agreed to it. Though that day he sounded hurt and this was when I felt guilty for all the smack talking about him online (even on this forum but at least not in real life person) as well as pretending to love him. The reason I faked for so long till I could no longer take it was mainly to spare his feelings but that's no use. I did made it clear that there will be no ''getting back together'' thing. Anyways I still have his cell # which he stated it'll be the same. I guess nothing wrong with keeping him as a friend...
HLP234 Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 She played me like a violin. She said, much like your situation, that she needed time and space and maybe in 6 months time "...but it might be less" - that last bit gave me so much hope, especially when she followed it up with, "...and then you can move all your stuff back home...". The truth is, that in this time, she contacted an ex (that I'm still convinced she slept with halfway through our relationship) on Facebook, along with another ex she dated for less than 6 months 15 years ago who she appears to have pined over - he's now married with a kid. It took her 4 months to say "No" and this was straight after coming back from her 2 week holiday staying with one of the ex's in America, although I had to call her to find out. Played, my friend, played. That's why the OP needs to consider her ex's feelings regardless of how bad her situation was. Keeping an ex for some kind of security blanket, is very cold. Yup sounds very similar to my situation indeed. Tells me time at home will help her and then I find out through myspace from her statuses she is staying at her "best friend's" house. Im not assuming she did anything with him because she doesn't do stuff with anyone she is not with..but it sucks to be on the other end reading that kind of stuff. Seems like she doesn't know what she wants but she just wants me to hang around as she said she wants me to not complain about waiting and just go with the flow of things..well its hard to when you have been hurt. Such a lame excuse too..to the point now when she comes back I'm about to let her know that I can no longer be a friend either since I haven't been dealing with the situation as well as she has. All of this would have been avoided if she would of just told me the real reason but I know she doesn't like hurting people so I suppose this route makes her feel less guilty..at least for now until I completely ignore her when she's back. You can keep him as a friend as long as you still do very low contact since you have already told him the real reasons supposedly. If he is taking it well then I suppose he might have realized he did something you didn't like and he must not care that much. As long you guys don't bring up anything to argue about, it looks like it will be alright.
stillafool Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 I already broke up with him on Christmas. I think that even if you don't love the person anymore, there's always a bit of some guilty feelings over the fact that the relationship didn't quite turn out as one expected it would and the fact that the dumpee will get hurt either way. The dumpee would rather know the truth and then to be left alone. What ever you do do not try to be his friend. Dump then move on and leave the dumpee alone to heal.
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