Beeotch Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Was browsing something else and came across this article and thought I'd share it with those contemplating NC, scared of NC or wanting to be friends with their ex. I think it is a great article, surprised I didnt find it when I was freshly broken up, anyway hope it helps http://www.healmybrokenheart.com/ In this world, it is relationships that connect us with one another. A relationship bonded by deep love forms a connection of the heart, mind, and soul, and hence, the reason for its great might. Once we are connected in this fashion, is it possible to disconnect? Just because the words ‘break up’ have been used, does not mean the feelings have dissolved. The question this article tries to answer is if we cannot be in a loving relationship with someone, can we not at least be friends? Releasing a love is a challenge for anyone, but the thought of losing the friendship can seem intolerable. Self-help or relationship advice books vary in content; however, one common theme seen across the board is the theory that no contact will help you heal faster. At healmybrokenheart.com, we also agree with this theory – to an extent. Here is our thorough explanation of the why and how it is necessary and possible to disconnect your friendship from your ex. Why can’t I be friends with my ex? 1) Circular Reference: Your ex is someone to whom you turned to for advice and that type of dynamic generally doesn’t change when you try to remain friends. Unfortunately, the person giving you advice about something cannot be part of the advice that needs to be given. All of the qualities you seek in a advisor – objectivity, unbiased opinion, the truth – are lost in this scenario. She or he cannot help you get over her or him. And biting your tongue or holding back what you really want to talk about will just put you back into a place of pain. 2) The Pain Resurfaces: If you still have feelings for your ex, which you do after a break up, then every time you see them the pain resurfaces at the same intensity level. At Heal My Broken Heart, we are trying to provide you exercises to actively heal your heart; however, these exercises are diluted in their effectiveness each time you start from square one again. 3) Jealousy Multiplies: We all have thoughts of our ex with someone else, whether these are based reality or conjured in our minds. When you remain ‘friends’ with an ex, this feeling is exaggerated. You will be subconsciously looking for anything in his or her discussion that indicates they are still into you or into someone else. This can keep you up for nights at a time – even if it isn’t true. Bottom line, you are torturing yourself. 4) Emotional Space: Whether you are interested in dating again or not, staying friends with your ex fills up the space your heart reserves for emotional relationships. This will affect all of your interactions with friends, family, co-workers etc., because emotional availability is finite. You don’t have an unlimited amount of energy in this area and if you are giving a lot of it to your ex, you are giving less and less to everyone else. When you do feel you are ready to date again, you may not have a great result unless you are free from this emotional attachment with your ex. 5) Toxic Friendships: Remember, you want to be friends with this person. Think of someone else you are friends with – do you fight with them, are you hurt by them, are you jealous of what they are doing, do you have hidden agendas, do you want to sleep with them? Probably not. Pretending that you are just friends when you want more will always backfire. It is so hard to do, so exactly how should you disconnect? 1) Do not be scared. You have strength that you were born with, that you have exhibited in the past, and that you will use now. The main fear is that if you stop being friends with your ex, they will disappear from your life and any hope of reconciliation will be gone. The other fear is that this is the person you turned to for everything and now you don’t have that touch stone. Both of these fears are not based in reality. Your ex is not going anywhere, you can rekindle the friendship in the future and you can find fulfillment in other friendships. You can do this. 2) Use 15 – 30 Day chunks. Most people make a pact with themselves that they are never going to talk to their ex again. When they break down and call or text or email, it feels like a failure. Go cold turkey in 15 day or 30 day chunks. Make a promise to yourself right now to try one. If your ex contacts you, just let them know 1x only that you need some time on your own. Again, they are not going anywhere – it is going to be OK. 3) Cut out one electronic device at a time. If #2 is hard for you, then try cutting out one electronic device at a time. Eliminate texting, then eliminate emailing, then eliminate calling etc.. One thing at a time. You can do it. 4) Don’t Rationalize. This friendship is hindering your healing progress, and there is no valid reason for the friendship to continue at this point. You are strong and so is your ex. You can both do this. When can you reconnect? 1) In time. When you can see your ex with someone else and will be okay with it, you can be friends again if there is a need. Ouch, this one hurts to just read. Don’t be afraid of this statement. It is just meant as a benchmark for when you can reconnect. Without the active healing that you practice in this community, this could take years, but don’t worry, you will be there soon. 2) When your heart is healed. You will know.
trueblue72ny Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) good article. lots of good points. thanks beeotch. disconnecting is probably the hardest part of this from my personal experience. & to this very day i still struggle with it. granted working with my ex probably has something to do it. but what has helped me the most to restore my self confidence and dignity in a very difficult sitution is too respond only if spoken too. after some time you will start feeling better about yourself knowing that they are the ones who are contacting you. i have been using this technique for about 3months now and it has helped me a lot. in fact i am also now using it with a new girl i have been talking too. if she doesnt call, than we dont talk. reason being for that is due to her wishy washy behavior after me putting myself out there a little bit because she said she was interested. now i save myself from looking like a fool to someone who may or may not be interested in me. of course if she clears up her vagueness, my attitude will change, but for now it makes me feel a lot safer about myself. and i agree with this article that we only have a finite amount of emotional energy that we can spend on anyone. Edited December 13, 2009 by trueblue72ny
HeavenOrHell Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Really useful thanks Jealousy Multiplies particularly struck a chord
nobmagnet Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 very very very good article. Thank you for shareing it. Im an a funny place at the moment. my ex picked my kids up. told me I looked amazing and has been texting eversince. I think i might send this to him..............dunno. I dont want him back. he is however f8cing with the resedue of love I have for him. NOT WANTING thanks again x
hopesndreams Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 very very very good article. Thank you for shareing it. Im an a funny place at the moment. my ex picked my kids up. told me I looked amazing and has been texting eversince. I think i might send this to him..............dunno. I dont want him back. he is however f8cing with the resedue of love I have for him. NOT WANTIN thanks again x Don't share this with him nob. It's for you. Let him find and get his own. The less you "share" with him, the better. Are you replying to his texts?
nobmagnet Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 only one liners. Its not a nice place to be. I am confussed. I know i dont want him. but its a real head f*ck! I need him to be on side for the financial aspect but i dont want to have a chit chat with him. How can I tell him/ intermate to him that i dont want compliments, texts or unnessessary communication????? help?xx
hopesndreams Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 You are relying on him financially. You don't want to make him angry. Do just enough to keep him on "friendly" terms, in his mind. You go about your life, keeping what you do private and disassociate with him in your mind.
hopesndreams Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 love it when you call me nob xxxx lol nob.
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