5 Month Update

[soheartbroken]

I wrote a thread at 4 months I think, so I thought I would continue the tradition.

 

Today is 5 months exactly since she left me. We've been strict NC for 4 months, initiated by her. We were together for 5 years and lived together at least 4. When we broke up I deferred my year of school and moved home (different city - I'm 26).

 

It's been really, really hard. The intense, excruciating pain has lost some of its edge - that's about the best thing I can say.

 

Otherwise I'm still very sad. It was one of those situations where I got what I deserved. I was a ****ty partner, took her for granted, acted in ways that I totally regret. She didn't give me any reason for the breakup however. She wasn't perfect but I would estimate about 90-10% split on blame.

 

Anyway, it's really hard to let go of someone who treated me so well (up until the split), when I messed up. Lately I've been replaying a lot of memories in my head...I know I will never forget her, or the memories, but I just want the pain associated with them to go away.

 

I've realized that I'm not ready to let go. I really want a second chance, but I'm pretty sure she's too far gone. The NC from her side REALLY hurts. It seems so unnatural to share your life with someone and then not even speak. She didn't even tell me why she was going NC.

 

I can't let go because I don't know what else is out there for me. She was really awesome. I really took her for granted. No one comes close to comparing to her, it's very depressing. My "life" still seems so foreign to me, so strange. Every morning is hell, because I wake up to the realization that she is gone.

 

So ya, not sure where to go from here. In the New Year I have to look into going back to school, which will be a very stressful process.

 

Thank you for reading.

[GrayClouds]

So SO, what thing have you done that has helped?

[AliveAndKicking]

You're doing better than you think you are.

 

You haven't rolled over and given up. You have taken the time and taken that hard look at yourself. You're working on yourself. You haven't sold yourself out and jumped into a rebound. You're doing all the right stuff and dammit that counts for something!

 

You made some mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. Lots of follks will never own up to their errors. Many will gloss them over. You're brave- you own your mistakes. You've learned from them. No matter how things play out for you one thing is certain: You're a better man today and will be a better man for the rest of your days.

 

No matter who enters your life down the road they are gonna be treated well by you. They are gonna be lucky because they will have found themselves a solid man who isn't afraid to work, to grow, to learn, and to change.

 

Hang in there. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep your eyes forward. Forgive yourself for your mistakes- you don't have to carry them like a lead weight for the rest of your life. You've atoned for them. Set yourself free from them. You're allowed to let them go because you've paid your debt now.

 

Forgive yourself.

 

You've earned it!

[soheartbroken]

So SO, what thing have you done that has helped?

 

I can't really say that anything in particular has helped. I mean, progress is so tough to measure. The negative person inside tells me that nothing I've done has helped to any great degree.

 

I did go out with someone completely random last night who asked me to an NBA game. It was a good, but momentary distraction, and even though it wasn't technically a date, it sort of just confirmed that no one compares to my ex. But overall it was a positive experience, one that I probably need more of.

 

I know I'm not worthless. I know I'm loveable. But honestly, I'm just so picky that I think I won't find anyone special enough. Maybe that sounds bad...but I've gone through so much that it will take someone really special to crack me.

 

I don't really care about meeting someone though. I just want to stop pining for my ex. Ideally that will happen without "replacing her". Because if/when I get dumped when I'm older, I want to KNOW that I got through heartache without a rebound. I want to make it on my own. Hope that makes sense.

Edited December 13, 2009 by soheartbroken

[GrayClouds]

I can't really say that anything in particular has helped. I mean, progress is so tough to measure. The negative person inside tells me that nothing I've done has helped to any great degree.

 

I did go out with someone completely random last night who asked me to an NBA game. It was a good, but momentary distraction, and even though it wasn't technically a date, it sort of just confirmed that no one compares to my ex. But overall it was a positive experience, one that I probably need more of.

 

I know I'm not worthless. I know I'm loveable. But honestly, I'm just so picky that I think I won't find anyone special enough. Maybe that sounds bad...but I've gone through so much that it will take someone really special to crack me.

 

I don't really care about meeting someone though. I just want to stop pining for my ex. Ideally that will happen without "replacing her". Because if/when this happens when I'm older, I want to KNOW that I got through heartache without a rebound. I want to make it on my own. Hope that makes sense.

 

 

What about exercising, learning something new, hobbies or class,self help books, journaling, counseling, friendsm posting on LS, maing a list of all the worst aspect of your EX, ect. Are you doing those things?

[XKatieX]

I can't really say that anything in particular has helped. I mean, progress is so tough to measure. The negative person inside tells me that nothing I've done has helped to any great degree.

 

I did go out with someone completely random last night who asked me to an NBA game. It was a good, but momentary distraction, and even though it wasn't technically a date, it sort of just confirmed that no one compares to my ex. But overall it was a positive experience, one that I probably need more of.

 

I know I'm not worthless. I know I'm loveable. But honestly, I'm just so picky that I think I won't find anyone special enough. Maybe that sounds bad...but I've gone through so much that it will take someone really special to crack me.

 

I don't really care about meeting someone though. I just want to stop pining for my ex. Ideally that will happen without "replacing her". Because if/when I get dumped when I'm older, I want to KNOW that I got through heartache without a rebound. I want to make it on my own. Hope that makes sense.

 

I know what you mean. I'm extremely picky too when it comes to partners. In my case if someone doesn't come along that isn't absoutely everything I want, then I'd rather just be alone, if I can't be with the one I truly what to be with that IS everything I want.

[LovelyDaze]

I wrote a thread at 4 months I think, so I thought I would continue the tradition.

 

Today is 5 months exactly since she left me. We've been strict NC for 4 months, initiated by her. We were together for 5 years and lived together at least 4. When we broke up I deferred my year of school and moved home (different city - I'm 26).

 

It's been really, really hard. The intense, excruciating pain has lost some of its edge - that's about the best thing I can say.

 

Otherwise I'm still very sad. It was one of those situations where I got what I deserved. I was a ****ty partner, took her for granted, acted in ways that I totally regret. She didn't give me any reason for the breakup however. She wasn't perfect but I would estimate about 90-10% split on blame.

 

Anyway, it's really hard to let go of someone who treated me so well (up until the split), when I messed up. Lately I've been replaying a lot of memories in my head...I know I will never forget her, or the memories, but I just want the pain associated with them to go away.

 

I've realized that I'm not ready to let go. I really want a second chance, but I'm pretty sure she's too far gone. The NC from her side REALLY hurts. It seems so unnatural to share your life with someone and then not even speak. She didn't even tell me why she was going NC.

 

I can't let go because I don't know what else is out there for me. She was really awesome. I really took her for granted. No one comes close to comparing to her, it's very depressing. My "life" still seems so foreign to me, so strange. Every morning is hell, because I wake up to the realization that she is gone.

 

So ya, not sure where to go from here. In the New Year I have to look into going back to school, which will be a very stressful process.

 

Thank you for reading.

 

I am so sorry but you sound like the "other side" to me.

Your ex sounds like she is trying to get over you and not be hurt anymore. What all did you do to think or know that you were a "sh*tty partner" as you stated?

[soheartbroken]

What about exercising, learning something new, hobbies or class,self help books, journaling, counseling, friendsm posting on LS, maing a list of all the worst aspect of your EX, ect. Are you doing those things?

 

Exercising (just started going back to the gym)

Journaling

Therapy (twice a week)

Self-help books

Writing letters that I don't send

No drinking or drugs

Joined two sports teams

Separation & Divorce class

Committed to volunteering but waiting to hear back from the centre

Did a CPR course

 

And I got a part-time job after moving cities, which was a big step at the time considering my depression. Then I applied for better jobs but haven't gotten anything.

 

Only other thing I want to do is something creative. I'm not a creative person so I can't think of something good to do.

 

So ya, I've done lots, and am looking for new things to do. Kind of sad that I've done these things and I'm still pretty down. I would like to make a couple more friends, but these things can't be forced in my mind. I'm pretty shy too, and seems that everyone of my generation only likes to drink, drink, drink and party.

[soheartbroken]

I am so sorry but you sound like the "other side" to me.

Your ex sounds like she is trying to get over you and not be hurt anymore. What all did you do to think or know that you were a "sh*tty partner" as you stated?

 

Do you mean it sounds like I dumped her, forcing her to go NC?

 

Not at all. We were in contact for a month after the breakup because we both had to move out of our apartment. By the end of the month she wasn't getting back to my emails, was out drinking with friends and didn't really give me the time of day. In the last conversation she said we should "go our separate ways". She said she would send me an email when the apartment got rented out and she never did. Have not heard a word from her since.

 

In sum, I think she was over me by the end of that month.

 

I did lots of ****. I wrote a thread about it.

[GrayClouds]

I know what you mean. I'm extremely picky too when it comes to partners. In my case if someone doesn't come along that isn't absoutely everything I want, then I'd rather just be alone, if I can't be with the one I truly what to be with that IS everything I want.

 

Picky is good, picky is important, picky keeps us from putting up with less then we deserve. But just do not let picky make your ex out to be more then what they were... they too had that anoying little habit that drove us crazy, they too farted and it stunk, they too did not have the courage to make the realtiohsip work.

[soheartbroken]

Picky is good, picky is important, picky keeps us from putting up with less then we deserve. But just do not let picky make your ex out to be more then what they were... they too had that anoying little habit that drove us crazy, they too farted and it stunk, they too did not have the courage to make the realtiohsip work.

 

This is true. I try to remind myself of this.

 

My ex didn't really do anything that annoying. Anything along those lines was just cute in my mind...

[soheartbroken]

I guess I just need more time...hopefully. And some new experiences, maybe some new friends.

 

Like I said, I'm not really ready to let go yet. Even though I won't send it, I want to get to a point where I can write a goodbye letter, and I can't do that yet.

[DenverBachelor]

I reached my two month mark with the breakup two days ago. I've gone through so many emotions and experiences -- both over the past year as well as those two months -- that I am just floored with how much has changed.

 

The first three days were absolutely horrible. It's like getting pushed off a cliff and then grabbing the ledge with your fingertips and fighting and clawing to try to get back on the ledge. You'll try so hard.

 

The two weeks after that were brutal, but from a depression standpoint. You've lost your grip and now you're falling. You sort of just accept that your going to be weightless for awhile.

 

The next month was introspective. The depression died down to a point where I could sleep better.

 

The past two weeks have been brutal for a totally different reason but I am no longer depressed. I can't even really think of her because that person is dead. I mean that person just doesn't exist at all. So the memories are really more on the introspective "haunting" side and less so happy or sad. It just doesn't really register as a romantic memory but more of a puzzle I put together that shows me my problems at the time.

 

The most ironic thing? It has made me a stronger person and even though that was one of the most caustic and acidic breakups of my life, I'm glad I had the learning experience.

 

Life is a wickedly fun and gut-wrenching ride. I'm just trying to shift up the amount of time spent in the former.

 

But the first 1-3 days of the breakup? Absolutely horrible. I would rather drop a ten pound weight on my foot from 4 feet up and shatter most of the bones in my foot and then slam my little toe into a chair while smashing my face into the wall.

[LovelyDaze]

Your case sounds a bit unique then. I thought you dumped her and was regretting it. She just basically disappeared?

[madrugada]

Oh my god, reading this thread has left me so heartbroken.

 

So, heartbroken, can I ask what you've been doing to try to let go of your ex? It seems like you are hanging on to a great deal of guilt, still thinking of things you should have done differently, still working over the past in your mind.

 

I know how it is, I do the same thing myself. You replay the memories in your head, you wake up to ghost pains and wish she were still next to you. It's the worst feeling in the world.

 

I wish I could tell you how to deal with what you're going through. I know it's the worst thing in the world.

 

Just know you're not alone.

 

And keep posting. If nothing else, I'm here for you.

[ekt21]

I'm in the same boat as both of you. I can't shake it. Its been 5 months also, but really it just feels like yesterday. I reply memories in my mind over and over again. I dont know what to do.

[soheartbroken]

Oh my god, reading this thread has left me so heartbroken.

 

So, heartbroken, can I ask what you've been doing to try to let go of your ex? It seems like you are hanging on to a great deal of guilt, still thinking of things you should have done differently, still working over the past in your mind.

 

I know how it is, I do the same thing myself. You replay the memories in your head, you wake up to ghost pains and wish she were still next to you. It's the worst feeling in the world.

 

I wish I could tell you how to deal with what you're going through. I know it's the worst thing in the world.

 

Just know you're not alone.

 

And keep posting. If nothing else, I'm here for you.

 

Thank you Madruga.

 

As for things I'm doing to try to let go of her, there is the list that I posted on this thread in response to GrayClouds question (therapy, exercise, classes, writing, etc.)

 

Basically I'm trying to learn from my mistakes at this point. At this very moment I just put down "Dance of Anger". But reading this material does clearly show me where I/we went wrong, and things I could have done to change. If I want to learn, I kind of have no choice but to look back and acknowledge things that I could have done differently, you know? So I'm almost forced to relive stuff from the past in order to learn from it. The more I learn the more I want a second chance, y'know?

 

Other than this, I'm not sure how to "work on letting go". I was hoping it would come with time.

 

I'm sorry I made you heartbroken from reading this.

[soheartbroken]

Your case sounds a bit unique then. I thought you dumped her and was regretting it. She just basically disappeared?

 

No no. I definitely didn't dump her. She is the epitome of a dumper: distanced herself, started provoking fights, latched on to someone as a security blanket to break it off. I was very clear that the breakup was NOT what I wanted. I would have worked on "us" until the cows came home.

 

I did not cheat, lie, abuse or neglect. We fought a lot, and I started most of the fights over stupid things. I let stupid stuff get to me. I'm an irritable person and can be short-tempered...on the other hand I was very affectionate and possibly too needy. I'm a mess, I know!

 

She didn't give me reasons for leaving, and I didn't really push it. I knew she was too far gone. The only thing I really got out of her was "I have my own issues", and "don't blame yourself", and, the only time I did kind of press her, "sometimes things just don't work out". I guess I'm glad she didn't blame me for anyting specific otherwise I would obsess about it I think.

 

She didn't just disappear. There was a one-month drawn out process of us moving out and dividing up our stuff. She made it more drawn out by taking her sweet ass time to reply to emails while I agonized for days waiting to hear back from her, with my friends in the background imploring me not to leave more than one message at a time. It was sheer hell.

 

Hope this answers some of your questions. Thank you for taking the time to read this thread.

[soheartbroken]

Your case sounds a bit unique then. I thought you dumped her and was regretting it. She just basically disappeared?

 

Also, I guess everyone's case is unique. But I tend to see one of two situations on LS.

 

1) The dumpee was awesome, loving, caring, very giving, and the dumper was a cheating, unappreciative jerk.

 

2) The dumpee accepts blame for a lot of stuff.

 

Mine is situation 2. Is there something else that seems unique to you LD?

[soheartbroken]

I'm in the same boat as both of you. I can't shake it. Its been 5 months also, but really it just feels like yesterday. I reply memories in my mind over and over again. I dont know what to do.

 

I'm sorry that you are suffering too. My mornings can feel like it was just yesterday, and if I think too much about our last days, I can bring back the pain of the first month.

 

I hope to get to a point, where, like childbirth, I can remember that it was painful, but I can't feel that pain anymore, even if I try.

 

I do feel some improvement in the torture department from the first three months however.

[adamt]

soheartbroken, i was where you were until recently. I broke back in may.

 

i had been working on myself to rebuild my confidence,going to gym, making effort to do new things and meet new people. in that time i had only spoke to my ex after 5 months when we bumped into each other.

 

i decided to join a dating website 2 months ago, went on a couple of dates. no one did it for me and i was comparing them to my ex and stil thinking i would not find anyone else.However, last week i went on a date again. We agreed to meet in a bar. She walked in and was stunning. I couldnt believe it. I had a big grin on my face. We got on really well. we talked for 3 hours and i never thought about my ex. i text her after that i would like to see her again. she responded pretty quick and said we should go out once she is back from a month out of the country. nothing may come of it but she has got me over my ex and something to look forward to. I'm going to take it slow but at least it is something positive to focus on. it's help get my confidence back. i'm 38 and even at my age things will get better!

 

So just dont give up with NC and keep looking after yourself. There will be light end of the tunnel.

[HeavenOrHell]

5 months yesterday for me hun! I am doing better than I was, but I still have feelings for him Maybe I will have to force myself to cut all ties soon, I don't know.

I am not ready to let go. But I am building my life back up and getting out there meeting people and keeping busy.

Sounds silly but in a way maybe it would be good if I could develop a relationship with someone else to help cut those ties, to move on, to feel loved again, so I can love someone else, but I think the main reason would be so that I would find it easier to be friends with the ex, our friendship is that important to me.

But realistically I don't know if I can fall in love with someone else while I am still meeting him. I would never use someone else in that way anyway.

I suppose I wish I could meet someone else and as a bonus it would enable me to be friends more easily with my ex.

[soheartbroken]

soheartbroken, i was where you were until recently. I broke back in may.

 

i had been working on myself to rebuild my confidence,going to gym, making effort to do new things and meet new people. in that time i had only spoke to my ex after 5 months when we bumped into each other.

 

i decided to join a dating website 2 months ago, went on a couple of dates. no one did it for me and i was comparing them to my ex and stil thinking i would not find anyone else.However, last week i went on a date again. We agreed to meet in a bar. She walked in and was stunning. I couldnt believe it. I had a big grin on my face. We got on really well. we talked for 3 hours and i never thought about my ex. i text her after that i would like to see her again. she responded pretty quick and said we should go out once she is back from a month out of the country. nothing may come of it but she has got me over my ex and something to look forward to. I'm going to take it slow but at least it is something positive to focus on. it's help get my confidence back. i'm 38 and even at my age things will get better!

 

So just dont give up with NC and keep looking after yourself. There will be light end of the tunnel.

 

Thank you for the reply adamt. I have been following some of your other posts. The thing is, I don't want meeting someone else to be what gets me through this. I really want to do it on my own. And I'm simply not ready to be with anyone else.

[soheartbroken]

5 months yesterday for me hun! I am doing better than I was, but I still have feelings for him Maybe I will have to force myself to cut all ties soon, I don't know.

I am not ready to let go. But I am building my life back up and getting out there meeting people and keeping busy.

Sounds silly but in a way maybe it would be good if I could develop a relationship with someone else to help cut those ties, to move on, to feel loved again, so I can love someone else, but I think the main reason would be so that I would find it easier to be friends with the ex, our friendship is that important to me.

But realistically I don't know if I can fall in love with someone else while I am still meeting him. I would never use someone else in that way anyway.

I suppose I wish I could meet someone else and as a bonus it would enable me to be friends more easily with my ex.

 

Sounds like you are doing much better HoH.

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel the same, I wish it weren't true I don't want meeting someone else to be the way through this, I wish I could fall for someone else, but I know that will be unlikely for a long time, if ever.

Ultimately I want him back

 

 

Thank you for the reply adamt. I have been following some of your other posts. The thing is, I don't want meeting someone else to be what gets me through this. I really want to do it on my own. And I'm simply not ready to be with anyone else.