celesteundress Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Has anyone ever received an apology from a former lover? i got one 3 months after a truly ugly break up, where my bf abruptly stopped speaking to me, instead of explaining that he wanted to break up. it was a 3 page email, that didn't really satisfy the questions i have had about what happened. nor did it address why he did what he did or how he plans to rectify things or what he was learned from this experience (as a way to hopefully never repeat it again in the future with someone new) he makes a point to explain that he hopes that i do not perceive the apology as being self-serving and that it is for me, because i 'deserve' it. I am conflicted. a small part of me wants to respond and explicitly tell him what i think and feel. another part of me doesn't want to indulge him with attention. ultimately, i want to do what is best for me and what would make me feel good. I want to know if anyone of you have been in a similar position and how you've dealt with it. any advice is appreciated. thank you.
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 apologies and confessions are all about ego. Not about the recipient, at all. Sort of like cross-examination in a trial. The best lawyers do short cross-exam and get what they need. An ego-driven lawyer will take 3 days and accomplish nothing.
Arabella Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 My SO, whom I've been broken up (for second time) for about 3 weeks now, did the exact same thing. He just stopped speaking to me. Three days later when I began to get worried and I badgered him to let me know he was alive, he blew up at me. He was incredibly cruel and hurtful for no reason whatsoever. I sent him emails begging for an explanation, or closure... something. Not a single word since. I feel like it would have been much easier to let go if he had emailed me and civilly talked to me about things instead of what he did. If I were you, I would feel thankful for getting that email. It would allow me to move on finally. Arabella
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Don't give him a speck of attention. He KNOWS he was wrong and is trying to make himself feel better. If you reply at all and I mean if you accept the apology or ask questions, he will just have his stupid ego satisfied. Keep NC. Don't feed into his goal of making himself look like a prince.
meerkat stew Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Without seeing the email, no one here is qualified to make blanket statements about whether an apology is sincere, whether he is salving his own ego, etc. I have been in this situation before, and the best response I've found is a very brief and polite "thank you for your thoughts" type response. In the past, I have replied with, "I appreciate your apology and your taking the time to write this out. Thanks for your thoughts and best wishes." Neutral, polite, doesn't invite debate, doesn't start getting you emotionally re-involved, doesn't expect a reply, so you aren't left hanging or wondering in the event a reply is not forthcoming. OTOH, if the apology was designed to manipulate you, keep you back-burnered or fish for an ego boost or stroke, the above type of response will absolutely infuriate the recipient and drive them crazy, much moreso than silence.
Ronni_W Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 it was a 3 page email, that didn't really satisfy the questions i have had ... he makes a point to explain that he hopes that i do not perceive the apology as being self-serving and that it is for me, because i 'deserve' it. Nah...it was self-serving. If it was really about/for you, he would have addressed YOUR concerns and questions. YOU deserve answers to the questions that YOU have. Give yourself permission to just ignore it...and also to let go of any worries about if, when and how he is going to be able to do better in his future relationships. It's not your problem anymore.
AliveAndKicking Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 "it was a 3 page email, that didn't really satisfy the questions i have had about what happened. nor did it address why he did what he did or how he plans to rectify things or what he was learned from this experience (as a way to hopefully never repeat it again in the future with someone new) he makes a point to explain that he hopes that i do not perceive the apology as being self-serving and that it is for me, because i 'deserve' it." You didn't get an apology; You got a self-serving guilt-reliever. Ignore this non-apology and see it for what it is: a final insult. Don't give it any more energy than that, though. File it in the garbage and keep moving in a positive forward direction. _______________________ In my book an apology consists of the following: An acknowledgement of the wrong committed and a statement of remorse. No excuses, "reasons", or justifications. Any of these nullify the apology and instead add insult to injury. Example: "I was wrong when I blah blah blah. You did not deserve that. I'm very sorry." -An acknowledgmet of the damage done. Example: "You surely must have felt humiliated when I did that." -An offer of ammends. Example: "Is there anything I can do that will provide some healing or otherwise make things right by you?" _____________________ I once got a letter of apology nine years after a bad breakup. It was a true apology. She acknowledged that what she did was wrong, that I did nothing to deserve what she had done, and she asked me if there was anything she could do to make it right by me. We met for lunch, had a hug and I thanked her, and I haven't seen her since. I will forever remember her courage and strength of character for her true heartfelt apology. _____________________ Stay strong!
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Remember...stay away from the cage and don't feel the animals. Silence most times speak a hell of a lot louder than words ever can. Try it. Forgive him if you must but you don't have to let him KNOW that. He will get the message.
Author celesteundress Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 thanks for weighing in everyone. Arabelle, I am sorry you are going through it. As someone who is healing further on down the road...i can assure you that this cowardly approach has nothing to do with you. My initial reaction was to not respond. Frankly, a distant email apology is not enough to make me forgive or forget how trying the past few weeks have been. We dated just under a year, he initiated a reconciliation, used those 3 magic words and then 3 weeks later maliciously abandoned me and went back to his ex-gf soon after..only to treat her in a similar way. prior to all this, we had been close friends for 5 years. i would never have believed he was capable of doing something like this to anyone, let alone me. whatever he is going through, he is hurting others in the process. i want to forgive. not for him, but for me...anger, frustration, hurt and pain are weighing me down. perhaps i am impatient and wishing to fast forward time to the place where i will feel completely indifferent. we share the same best friends, i assume part of the peace offering on his end was so that we wouldn't have to continue to avoid each other every other weekend at a mutual social event. he is in my radius whether i like it or not and i have to respect the fact that some of our friends do not want to choose sides. when is an apology truly sincere? i wonder.
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