On A Break

[Britney23]

When your girlfriend tells you that she needs space or wants to go on a break it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be with someone else or let you go gently.

 

Last night I initiated going on a break from my boyfriend of 2 years. The reason is because he was not putting in any effort into our relationship and I felt like I was just been taken for granted. I do not want to be with anyone else or anything, as a matter of fact I want to be with him. I know he loves me and cares about me but he has just gotten lazy and i'm over it.

 

I have cried everyday for the past 3 weeks because of this issue. I have tried talking to him about it but i just get told that I am too emotional or have too high expectations.. So then I start to think maybe he's right and end up apologising for getting upset and even said I would get counselling and end up giving him a BJ. But then the same thing happens the next day, all I wanted was some quality time together and him to get excited about spending time with me, make some compromises for once.. I have tried ignoring it, I have tried been really nice to him hoping he would reciprocate, I have tried making suggestions of things to do together (most of ideas were turned down). So I feel like this break is a last resort.

 

If he doesnt contact me then that's just going to convince me that I made the right decision and he wasn't really into me anyway. What I would love for him to do is just come to my house with flowers and say how sorry he is and he doesnt want to lose me, etc. Instead he spent the night playing poker at the casino and I haven't heard from him at all..

 

So when your girlfriend says she needs space listen to her reasons why and don't just ignore her. She just wants to feel like you love and care about her. Not just with words but actions!

[Renesis13B]

^ Hmm.. Serious? I've been doing the opposite when my gf said she wanted some space.. Hell, I also gave her money to pay for her tires and a little card that said I've missed you & love you and I'm still in this thing.. She says she is stressed and has no time for a man.. Then again I would be stressed too if my ex was slashing my tires.

[RobM]

So you pushed him away, told him you wanted a break but you're hoping he runs back to you. Be very careful, if he has too much fun he might just decide he's happier without you around.

[HLP234]

If you read my other post on here "I'm not sure what's going on" I am in the same situation.

 

She initiated the break because she doesn't know what she wants. For me its the worst thing that could happen besides if she were to cheat on me. It's hurt so much and still does.

 

You told him you need a break so you are the one that is suppose to contact him.

 

I have not contacted my girl and she always texts me first asking what I'm doing or saying she feels like I've given up, when she's the one who wanted space/time.

 

Then I try so hard to talk about it and just communicate but she is just blunt and short in her conversations, just says she wants to hang out with me and talk like normal without thinking about the situation.

 

You don't understand as guys, this break thing and how she is acting will be on our mind all the time so its not so easy to ignore it and just go back to normal.

 

Just don't play these games and communicate with each other. I wish my girl would listen because I love her to death but she just doesn't want to think about it.

 

At that point, theres nothing to do but for the guy to try and forget and move on.

[Britney23]

I didn't say I wanted space but that's how he interpreted it. I wanted a break hoping that he would start making effort or do something to prove that he wanted to be with me. I wanted a break so I can learn how to be strong again by myself and detach myself from him emotionally.

 

I didnt hear from him for over 24 hours and I couldn't take it anymore and called him. We had a 2 hour conversation (both crying heaps) and I explained to him that all I wanted was for him to come over and make everything right again. But I do live an hour away and by the time we got off the phone it was 11.30pm and he had work at 7.30am so he didn't want to come because he would be tired at work. He only started a week ago so I guess its understandable.

 

He offered to pick me up from work today and stay at my house... but I dont know, I know it will be hard for me to care for him as much as I did before so it will never be the same again which sucks. But its not like I didnt give him any warning.

 

HLP: Contact her, bring her flowers - if she's worth making the effort for make an effort!

 

RobM: That would just prove to me that I made the right decision. I will be fine, I have lots of friends that have already offered to take me out on the weekend.

 

Renesis: So umm did you slash her tyres or the ex before you? Why??

[adamt]

By having a break you will have hurt him and thing will neve be the same again. He might not be as trusting of you and in the back of his mind he will always wonder if you are going to leave him. using a break as a mind game is very risky. communication is the key, shoul dhave sat down and said how you felt

[HLP234]

Yeh she keeps texting me askin why I act like she does not exist anymore and I tell her that I'm just giving her some time.

 

She just wants me to behave like the whole thing never happened and talk normally but she's not getting it that its hard.

 

I try and do stuff for her and she says that I shouldn't plan things and do stuff since "we're not together anymore." She doesn't even want to talk about our situation.

 

She says see, why cant u just talk to me but you have to talk about this. I feel like I have done everything I can..we just don't talk like we used to anymore.

 

I think the only way to fix it is to talk about it and see what there is to be done rather than waiting and playing a game without realizing it.

[You'reasian]

So when your girlfriend says she needs space listen to her reasons why and don't just ignore her. She just wants to feel like you love and care about her. Not just with words but actions!

 

I have a different opinion.

 

When a girlfriend says she needs space, she needs space. She knows how to contact you - if she's interested, she will. You don't know what's going through her head at the time.

 

Give her more time. When you contact her, ask her if she would like to talk. No response? That in itself is a response.

 

She's ready to move on and you should be too.

Edited December 14, 2009 by You'reasian

[HLP234]

I have a different opinion.

 

When a girlfriend says she needs space, she needs space. She knows how to contact you - if she's interested, she will.

 

Give her more time. When you contact her, ask her if she would like to talk. No response? That in itself is a response.

 

She's ready to move on and you should be too.

 

 

Yupp..couldn't agree more. Unless mine is really different case which could be. Its just circles, I try and give space, I get accused of not wanting her or giving up, she then says she feels like walking away.

 

I tell her what I think about it and then she says why do I have to talk about it..

 

So apparently I'm suppose to talk to her all the time like we used to? Its hard when she acts differently now that we are on a break..this is too confusing.

[You'reasian]

Yupp..couldn't agree more. Unless mine is really different case which could be. Its just circles, I try and give space, I get accused of not wanting her or giving up, she then says she feels like walking away.

 

I tell her what I think about it and then she says why do I have to talk about it..

 

So apparently I'm suppose to talk to her all the time like we used to? Its hard when she acts differently now that we are on a break..this is too confusing.

 

Her resistance to communication is a good indicator that she's thinking of herself. Keep your communication short, sweet and friendly. Give more space. Keep up a dialog about the two of you. What its going to take to be together etc. listen to her requests, pay attention to her attitude when talking.

 

If she continues to resist and doesn't budge you've probably lost her for good. If that's the case move on and enjoy life like you do

[Renesis13B]

Renesis: So umm did you slash her tyres or the ex before you? Why??

 

lol, no.. Her ex before me.. She's trying to get a restraining order against him. So she says she's stressed and needs time because she has too many things in her life going on.. She says she loves me and misses me. I don't contact her since she is the one who needs to and she still does at least every 2 days. Asking how I am or w/e.. But god does this needs time game suck.

[HLP234]

Yeh when it comes to this type of stuff, it usually doesn't end good. I mean one person thinks everything is ok and still expects you to behave normally like you were in the relationship (the person who wants the break) and the other person is walking on egg shells trying to do everything right.

 

I dunno what the heck to do, if I get her flowers or something she will prolly be like well we are not together why did you do that.

 

At one point one person is gonna have a fit and just give up.

[HLP234]

Her resistance to communication is a good indicator that she's thinking of herself. Keep your communication short, sweet and friendly. Give more space. Keep up a dialog about the two of you. What its going to take to be together etc. listen to her requests, pay attention to her attitude when talking.

 

If she continues to resist and doesn't budge you've probably lost her for good. If that's the case move on and enjoy life like you do

 

Problem is sometimes she doesn't want to have a dialogue about us, she just wants her time and wants me to talk to her and hang out like normal.

 

But its bothering me and I dunno if she knows that but I think she does because she apologized and said she hurt me so much and she is so sorry.

 

So she is going back home for vacation and says she wont feel rushed now because she can spend time with friends there since here she does not know anyone yet.

 

I'll wait till she comes back and I won't bring up our relationship at all. I'll let her do that and that's when I will talk about it.

 

Because of now, even if she brings it up, and I talk about it, she says see this is what you want to talk about all the time. So i'll wait a lil longer, it will be a month total some time.

 

After that I'll tell her its been really killing me inside just trying to ignore it and be normal with her.

[Britney23]

Firstly, I have tried talking heaps about, this was no game but more of a last resort because I wasn't happy and needed him to realise this so he would make more of an effort with us. I cried everyday for the past 3 weeks while I was with him and talked to him so much but I was just dismissed by him that "I was too emotional and had too high expectations".. I started to believe him and think that I was asking for too much so would apologise for being upset with him but then the upset feeling never went away no matter how hard I tried.

 

I was the one who called him last night to talk about our relationship because I didnt know when I would hear from him and I was scared that the longer he left it the more distance would grow between us. I want to talk about us but I think he just wants to pretend everything is normal again and back to how it was. I want a sign that he wants to change and put more effort in, flowers, anything.. He suggested picking me up from work today but I dont know if I should because he will just expect everything to be all normal when it isn't yet. So its kind of the opposite situation you're going through HLP.

 

and adamt, the reason we're on a break is because he hurt me and this was the last resort that things have to change or its over. I dont want things to be like they were before the break, I was miserable. I want things to change.

 

HLP - I want my boyfriend to plan things for us, one of the reasons for going on the break is because he would not do this. What were your gf's reasons for going on a break? Because she wanted time to herself or wanted you to change in someway? I havent read your post yet sorry...

[Britney23]

My boyfriend ended up coming to my work and took me out for dinner. He said that he realises now that he has hardly made time for me lately and understands why I was so upset with him. We talked heaps and he was really sweet to me and asked me if we can go out for dinner wed night and then play tennis together on friday. And I said that I hoped that this wasn't shortlived and he said its not, he wants us to be for the long-term and the thought of me not been with him made him feel sick. He said he wants my happiness to be to a priority.

 

He dropped me off, and then 5 mins lately msgd me that he missed me already and that he loves me.

 

Yay I am so glad I have finally got through to him and I feel happy again.

[HLP234]

Well congrats, I'm glad you feel better. I wish I could say the same for me but is not in my hands right now.

 

Well the reason for the break? I have no idea honestly. All I know is we started as long distance and as soon as she moved here to complete school, she became sad and depressed because she's never moved before.

 

She also hung out with her best friend guy a few times before moving here, she even stayed at his house the one night and she told me and said not to worry but I trust her and love her so I didn't.

 

A few days after being here she said she wants a connection with me like she has with this guy..but I don't see how we don't connect when I've known her for 5 years and she liked me before.

 

So to me I dunno the real reason..in the beginning she didn't tell me what she liked me to do because she said if she told me it wouldn't be a surprise but I told her I'm not good with this relationship stuff because this is my first serious one and that if she doesn't tell me I can't read her mind.

[sean1970]

Well congrats, I'm glad you feel better. I wish I could say the same for me but is not in my hands right now.

 

Yes it is...

[HLP234]

If you are referring to the Guide of second chances, I have been following that. I do the NC thing, she comes to me telling me "Why do you act like I don't exist anymore."

 

Or she says I don't want to talk to her and she feels like walking away. I have been friendly, trying to ignore our break and just go along but we don't talk or act like we used to, and she knows it.

 

She will either be short and blunt or it will feel like I'm trying to talk about something and she is not interested. So I do the NC/LC thing again and she just keeps coming back and we go in circles.

 

She will bring the relationship up, I'll try and tell her we need to talk about it or I'll tell her how I feel and she will say that she doesn't want to talk about it, just wants me to talk to her normally. So I'm doing that while inside its tearing me up.

[sean1970]

If you are referring to the Guide of second chances, I have been following that. I do the NC thing, she comes to me telling me "Why do you act like I don't exist anymore."

 

Or she says I don't want to talk to her and she feels like walking away. I have been friendly, trying to ignore our break and just go along but we don't talk or act like we used to, and she knows it.

 

She will either be short and blunt or it will feel like I'm trying to talk about something and she is not interested. So I do the NC/LC thing again and she just keeps coming back and we go in circles.

 

She will bring the relationship up, I'll try and tell her we need to talk about it or I'll tell her how I feel and she will say that she doesn't want to talk about it, just wants me to talk to her normally. So I'm doing that while inside its tearing me up.

 

May I condense what you wrote... "Yeah, she controls everything."

 

Its not until you show that you have some respect for yourself that she will (might). Your goal right now needs to be getting out of the wash, rinse, and repeat cycle.

 

Question: "Why do you act like I don't exist anymore."

 

Answer: "Look, we have been at this for a while now and nothing has changed. I need time away from this to get my head on straight. I need to focus on what's best for me and I cant do that with the way things are."

[HLP234]

Yeh I noticed she controls everything so far. Well we are hanging out today and I won't bring up that answer yet until she bring up the relationship.

 

Apparently NC was not what I should of been doing. I have told her that I'm trying to heal and get through it and thats when she said she was sorry. But I'll bring up what you said next time she talks about the relationship.

 

In the meantime, I guess Im not suppose to ignore her but I guess keep on her like she said she wanted me to?

 

When I told her I was giving her some space and taking time for myself too her response was:

 

"Well I want my own time but I miss you and you don't even talk to me..just makes me feel like you are distancing yourself and making me want to go even further away from you."

 

I just said I'm trying to do what I thought she wanted. I do talk to her, only when she contacts me though. So I guess I have been doing it wrong?

[sean1970]

But I'll bring up what you said next time she talks about the relationship.

 

Well, you have to mean it HLP... You cant just say it for effect.

 

 

In the meantime, I guess Im not suppose to ignore her but I guess keep on her like she said she wanted me to?

 

STOP IT!!! She told you what she wants and that is not good enough for you... At least it should not be...

 

When I told her I was giving her some space and taking time for myself too her response was:

 

"Well I want my own time but I miss you and you don't even talk to me..just makes me feel like you are distancing yourself and making me want to go even further away from you."

 

Notice how she puts the blame on you here?

 

Answer: "Yes, I am distancing myself from you, I have to. If this relationship is not going to work, I need to move on."

 

 

I just said I'm trying to do what I thought she wanted. I do talk to her, only when she contacts me though. So I guess I have been doing it wrong?

 

You just need to realize what you are doing now isn't getting you the results you want. When are you going to be ok with what you want?

[Britney23]

I'm sorry to say but that doesn't sound too good.

 

You didn't do anything wrong to make her want a break, she found a connection with another guy and is upset with you because you and her don't have the same connection she has with the other guy. The connection she's probably talking about is going to be different because he's "new and exciting" and she doesn't know much about him or what he would be like as a boyfriend. Whereas she's comfortable with you which is a much deeper connection but not as exciting.

 

Its nice that you trust her to stay at some other guy's house (I personally would not do that just out of respect for my boyfriend) but she's the one in the wrong if she allowed herself to have a connection with him. You should be mad at her. I think you're doing the right thing by not contacting her until she contacts you, that takes a lot of willpower so well done. You need to distance yourself from her and learn how to be strong by yourself again. The longer you stay with her the more your self-esteem is suffering. Start mentally preparing yourself for a break up.

 

If you start doing what she wants and contacting her heaps I'm not sure how that would turn out. But you didn't do anything wrong in this situation from what you have said, she did.. She should be chasing you.

 

If I was you I would tell her I can't handle been on a break, its too hard on me. (She should have made up her mind by now.) Say either we break up and I can start to move on and maybe just be friends or we get back together. If she doesn't want to talk about it tell her that you can't do this anymore then. Tell her thanks for all the good times, I hope you find someone who makes you more happy than I do. Be really sweet and if she doesn't sit down and talk then she's not worth your time.

[HLP234]

I'm sorry to say but that doesn't sound too good.

 

You didn't do anything wrong to make her want a break, she found a connection with another guy and is upset with you because you and her don't have the same connection she has with the other guy. The connection she's probably talking about is going to be different because he's "new and exciting" and she doesn't know much about him or what he would be like as a boyfriend. Whereas she's comfortable with you which is a much deeper connection but not as exciting.

 

Its nice that you trust her to stay at some other guy's house (I personally would not do that just out of respect for my boyfriend) but she's the one in the wrong if she allowed herself to have a connection with him. You should be mad at her. I think you're doing the right thing by not contacting her until she contacts you, that takes a lot of willpower so well done. You need to distance yourself from her and learn how to be strong by yourself again. The longer you stay with her the more your self-esteem is suffering. Start mentally preparing yourself for a break up.

 

If you start doing what she wants and contacting her heaps I'm not sure how that would turn out. But you didn't do anything wrong in this situation from what you have said, she did.. She should be chasing you.

 

If I was you I would tell her I can't handle been on a break, its too hard on me. (She should have made up her mind by now.) Say either we break up and I can start to move on and maybe just be friends or we get back together. If she doesn't want to talk about it tell her that you can't do this anymore then. Tell her thanks for all the good times, I hope you find someone who makes you more happy than I do. Be really sweet and if she doesn't sit down and talk then she's not worth your time.

 

Yeh the connection she is referring to is just a different one because she has not know this guy as long as she has known me. We used to talk on the phone before she moved here for hours and pretty much know everything about each other.

 

We hung out today and for some reason as soon as she saw me she was like "You don't seem to be in a good mood." I was in a fine mood, I was being normal.

 

She kept telling me I was being different and rude when I was just making jokes and trying to get her to laugh and enjoy herself since she's been in such a sad mode ever since she moved here. I dunno why she thinks I'm being different, probably because she is not letting herself get out of the sad mode.

 

Anyways she is excited to go back home to see her friends. She told me not to worry I'll see her when she comes back, kissed and said I love you.

 

When she comes back if she hasn't changed which I'm sure she won't right away, I'll tell her what you guys said. And I do mean it because I can't take it too much longer.

 

Its gonna be a long two or three weeks till she comes back, she didn't exactly say when, last time I asked she got upset because I did. So during this time I can use this to either hang out with people or focus on myself some more.