Should I stay or should I Go?

[Minx973]

I've been dating a guy for close to two years on and off. Just this week I found out he has been dating other females and I confronted him about it. I watched word usage... I didn't want to sound as if I was mad at him, cause I know it was both our faults for not being clear about us being in an open or close relationship. I was caught off guard, cause when he speaks to me, and when I'm w/ him I feel as if I am important to him... again I did stress to him, I was'nt mad at him, just hurt, and it was my mistake. He asked what could he do to make it up to me? I, as a female don't understand what that means... In my head, I'm thinking he's with other females cause he's not happy w/ me/ I'm not enough for him and so on. So why would he want to make it up to me? Please note, on my side.... I have history of being in a long term relationship which failed. I don't wish to treat him wrongly based on what happened to me in the past. I really like this guy to the point I'm ready to face my fears. We spoke online yesterday, and it was nice... the first thing he wanted to know was "how was I" then we began to chat... but not about what happened. And he's calling me Pumkin again :-) If he is really into me what are the true signs? Some factors: He and I have a lot on our plates, I've been traveling much more, and we live an hour apart. So most of our time is spent online, phone, a day if we can coordinate schedules. What's the real deal here... Is there a relationship to work with here... Other Male friends I have asked have all said walk away. And a few more moments later they are hitting on me. So how much faith should I put into their feedback.

Minx973

[D-Lish]

Is this a different guy from the other thread you also started?

[harmfulsweetz]

First things first, do you want an open relationship? If you have not discussed if it's open/exclusive for two and a half years, I always go by my rule of thumb in that it's exclusive, unless one says otherwise. So he has cheated on you, because unknowingly to you, he wanted an open R. Well those things have to be discussed.

 

Why do you want to date a guy that wants to date around? Sounds like he wants to be single to me.

 

I would ask myself a few questions such as:

1) Do I want an open relationship for me, or because it will keep him?

2) Can I forgive him?

3) Will I ever trust him again?

4) How will it degrade me to accept this?

5) If after two and a half years, we still aren't clear about the exclusivity issue, will I ever be sure of it?

 

Those are just a few, but I'd seriously work on why you want to stay with him when clearly, he doesn't share the same values as you.

[boogieboy]

Im pretty sure that if shes asking, then she doesnt want and FWB.

 

Minx youre never going to get anything more from this guy, so you should just walk away. He doesnt like you enough to commit to just you.

[Minx973]

you know what, I really dont know if this was one date or several. And why would he ask how could he make it up to me - what does that mean in guy terms?

[Minx973]

same guy... brief history on he and I both... he works a full time IT job, Teaches Engish one night a week, writes for an online Motorbike Mag. And I work 12-15 hrs. some days on set background acting, travel between NYC, NJ and Boston, Next yr. I want to start my own business so I can take a breather and slow down. He has always said he's proud of me, and what I'm doing. We do communicate... and I dont know if this was one date or several.... I just got emotional. He did think I was seeing other Males I met on set... he took some of my comments the wrong way. Typing this out sharing it with you all has helped.

[Minx973]

He did nothing wrong for me to forgive him, he has never lied to me... he has always been blunt with me about his spare time. I can trust him, I see now, there was a form of miscommunication. I dnt even know how many times he saw this girl. I think I'm going to let the dust settle, and see what happens from there.

[harmfulsweetz]

He did nothing wrong for me to forgive him, he has never lied to me... he has always been blunt with me about his spare time. I can trust him, I see now, there was a form of miscommunication. I dnt even know how many times he saw this girl. I think I'm going to let the dust settle, and see what happens from there.

No, he may not have out-and out lied to you, however, he didn't bother to announce that he planned to date around did he? That's as good as lying in my book. Put it this way, if you don't want an open R, which you clearly don't, then he's not the guy for you. I just think if you're so bothered by it to post on a forum, then you're bothered by it and it isn't acceptable to you. But that is for you to mull over, and decide. After two and a half years, you'd think you would know where you stand?

[Pink Cupcakes]

You don't have a relationship with him, he's dating around and is not serious about you. Doesn't sound as if he has intentions of stopping dating other women, either. Sorry.

[Minx973]

Honsetly, I didnt put that much thought into our relationship... I wasnt focusing the type open/closed R. thats why us being on again off again worked for me. Half the time when I thought we were finished he would say "we stopped dating" He did think I was seeing other guys,cause he did ask me about John. Which I told him about... but it's not what u think, John has a Singles Event group in my area, they go hiking and I like hiking. I shared a converstion w/ my bf I had w/ John. I was telling John my bf wont go hiking again until 2010 when it warms up, he's my hiking buddy. So John and I joked about it. However the bf made a remark, to somethink like leading a double life. I like to keep myself busy and fit when I'm off, which happend to be the days my bf is working. So as I stated before we are both at fault for not laying out the terms.

[Minx973]

see that's what I dont get if he's not intrested, why would he communicate with me. If I'm not interested in a guy I not talking to him, IM, emailing, spending time with him... I wont make an effort to deal with him at all. Wouldnt a Man do the same. Nor would would I spend money or give them gifts.

[Pink Cupcakes]

You are still asking if he's still into you, though. After 2 1/2 years, he should be getting you an engagement ring - yet you're still asking here and on the other thread if he's into you or not.

I think you are delusional if you think this guy is your boyfriend and he is committed to you in any way, shape, or form.

[Awesome Username]

Has society really come down to you NEED to tell someone you've been with for two years that you want a monogamous relationship? I bet you anything that if he found out you were dating other guys, he'd flip. This isn't NORMAL.

 

I bet it would be harder for him to date other women if he could't drive to their house to pick them up because you SLASHED HIS TIRES!!!!!!111

 

Whatever happened to angry?

[Minx973]

okay, I dont have a reason to be angry w/ him. there are reasons why he and i dated on and off which works for me due to my busy sand his schedule. I'll admit I dropped the ball by not paying attention to our relationship status... I only came across it now, cause I have not been busy working in two weeks... so I'm combing through everything. I do have other male friends I hang out with. When an event comes up I need a date he makes the time for me. We just never had that talk on status.

[harmfulsweetz]

You are still asking if he's still into you, though. After 2 1/2 years, he should be getting you an engagement ring - yet you're still asking here and on the other thread if he's into you or not.

I think you are delusional if you think this guy is your boyfriend and he is committed to you in any way, shape, or form.

 

 

Agreed.

 

After two and a half years, your R should be progressing leaps and bounds, not still stuck at the start of the tracks, waiting for the blast of the gun. You should know if he's into you or not by now. If not, you're beating a dead horse, he's not. If he were, he would only date you, and that's it.

[harmfulsweetz]

okay, I dont have a reason to be angry w/ him. there are reasons why he and i dated on and off which works for me due to my busy sand his schedule. I'll admit I dropped the ball by not paying attention to our relationship status... I only came across it now, cause I have not been busy working in two weeks... so I'm combing through everything. I do have other male friends I hang out with. When an event comes up I need a date he makes the time for me. We just never had that talk on status.

 

I do apologize if this comes off rude or mean in any way, it's not intentional, but it sounds like a business arrangement.

[Minx973]

hmmm, I can't expect a Man or anyone to sit at home and wait for a date when they may not see there bf/gf for months... if it was such a dead horse, why would he even put effort into it... why feed it, just walk away. Have closure. Which has not been said or happend.

[harmfulsweetz]

if it's not a dead horse, how come you're still asking if he's into you after such a long time? How come you aren't sure of your relationship status and he's dating other women? Not to be nasty, but it sounds like a dead horse to me that you're beating.

 

I don't know why he contacts you etc, boredom? Ask him. If he hasn't made a commitment by now, or at least shown he's really that into you, it's because he isn't.

[Minx973]

I dont want a ring, been there done that. and he asked me last yr. in Aug.. I said no. This guy is not bad, I just think there was a break in communications. Why do people want rings on their fingers... That's one thing I dont need now. I have too much to do inmy life then worrie about coming home to cook dinner for the fam..

[Minx973]

not rude at all

[harmfulsweetz]

I dont want a ring, been there done that. and he asked me last yr. in Aug.. I said no. This guy is not bad, I just think there was a break in communications. Why do people want rings on their fingers... That's one thing I dont need now. I have too much to do inmy life then worrie about coming home to cook dinner for the fam..

No one said anything about a ring. But if you're into someone, then you let them know. If they're into you, you know. You don't know after two and a half years, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it, he's not into you. Maybe for some fun for now, but not longterm. If he wanted long term, he'd initiate contact, he wouldn't date around and he would SHOW he is into YOU.

[Minx973]

he asked me to marry him last summer I said no

[harmfulsweetz]

he asked me to marry him last summer I said no

You sure you're not just clutching at straws here?

[Minx973]

no straws here, pink cupcake made the ring statement.