Cora Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) I'm hoping someone can help me out and tell me why I would feel this way? It's going to sound a bit strange, but I'm going to describe it the best way I know how. I met this guy online...a really awesome guy! I didn't really know how I felt about him at first or if I even liked him, but he has been growing on me more and more. He is very sweet and I find that I am really starting to become attracted to him. He recently asked me to add him on facebook. I would love to because I really like him, but the thing is, most of my friends on facebook consists of family members. I don't know why, but I have always been kind of embarrassed for my family to know things about my life. I don't want to add him because I don't want them to know that I'm seeing him and I'm afraid if I add him he might write something on my wall like..."can't wait to see you again" or "we will have to catch another movie sometime" etc... I don't want them to know that I'm dating. I'm even kind of afraid to go out with him again because I'm so worried that I'm going to run into someone I know and they will see me with him. So it's not just the facebook thing! On the other hand I'm afraid of losing him because I really really like him. If I don't add him on facebook, or if I keep making up excuses as to why I can't go out with him I fear I will lose him. Even if I told him the real reason why, I'm afraid he will just think I'm too strange! It's not just this guy, but any guy I have ever attempted to date or go out with...it's almost as if I'm ashamed for my family to find out I am dating. As far as they know, I have never had a boyfriend, never been in any relationships and never ever dated. I've always kept that a secret which hasn't been hard since I haven't really dated that much and never really been in a relationship. On one hand I would love to find someone, but on the other hand I'm too dependent upon my families thoughts and feelings....like oh god what will they think of me if they find out I'm dating so and so? Why do I feel this way? Is this strange? Why can't I get over this and why am I leting them rule my life in an odd sort of way? I mean deep down, I know they wouldn't really care and would for the most part probably be happy for me, but I still feel this way. So I know it's not them, but me! I just can't figure out why I have this issue or what would cause it? For as long as I can remember, I've always felt this way. It really sucks. I just want to be normal...date if I want to...whomever I want to...and not care what my family or other people may think. What is wrong with me? Edited December 12, 2009 by Cora
Odyssey Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Of course what your family thinks is important and shouldn't be ignored, but in the end, it is your life and the most important thing is what you think and feel. They are your choices, not anyone else's. Hopefully you'll grow out of dependency and judgment by others. What are you afraid they will say?
carhill Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I just want to be normal...date if I want to...whomever I want to...and not care what my family or other people may think. What is wrong with me? You are normal; what you seek is balance, a balance between your independence from and your dependence upon family. It's a balance we all must strike as adults. Establish a boundary; perhaps your boundary is that you do not desire unsolicited opinion and/or advice on your love life. Violations result in temporary or permanent disconnection. That sounds harsh. Training people to treat you in a manner you find healthy isn't blowing sunshine up their @sses. It's tough love. Also, conduct your love life away from Facebook and other networking sites. When you're married and sharing baby pictures, great use of it/them. Get started today.
You'reasian Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 It's not just this guy, but any guy I have ever attempted to date or go out with...it's almost as if I'm ashamed for my family to find out I am dating. As far as they know, I have never had a boyfriend, never been in any relationships and never ever dated. I've always kept that a secret which hasn't been hard since I haven't really dated that much and never really been in a relationship. On one hand I would love to find someone, but on the other hand I'm too dependent upon my families thoughts and feelings....like oh god what will they think of me if they find out I'm dating so and so? Why do I feel this way? Is this strange? Why can't I get over this and why am I leting them rule my life in an odd sort of way? I mean deep down, I know they wouldn't really care and would for the most part probably be happy for me, but I still feel this way. So I know it's not them, but me! I just can't figure out why I have this issue or what would cause it? For as long as I can remember, I've always felt this way. It really sucks. I just want to be normal...date if I want to...whomever I want to...and not care what my family or other people may think. What is wrong with me? I see. I try not to introduce the woman I am dating to the family unless they happen to be in town visiting or unless she is a serious part of my life. Is that bad?
dazzle22 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Well, you don't give details about your family, but from the way you talk, it sounds like someone, maybe your father? I don't know, used to shame you or make you feel it was not ok to be a sexual person? Or perhaps they invaded your privacy growing up? I know how you feel. My parents were terribly overbearing, listened in on my phone calls, my mom snooped in my room, and read letters from guys to me, so I moved 3000 miles away from them for college! If I were you, I would tell this guy that your family is all over your facebook and they have trouble with boundaries and not minding their own business. How about setting up ANOTHER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT under a different email address and don't tell your family. You don't have to post a picture on the outside, they would never know, and then you can have the privacy you deserve without their prying eyes, and you can communicate with your new friend without feeling ashamed. Even if they find out, you can tell them you want your privacy and they need to respect the boundary you have set here. I am sorry your family has robbed you of your right to becoming individualized. I know what that feels like!
Author Cora Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Oh my goodness dazzle...you hit the nail on the head! My parents or my mom rather, was very nosy. I had no privacy growing up. She snooped through my room, would read notes that I would write, snooped through my phone, my mail, my computer....you name it she snooped through it. She kept close tabs on me...had to know where I was going, when I'd be back home, where I was at all times! She even followed me once. So very humiliating! If I didn't come home every weekend from college, she would come up there to me...just to check on me and make sure I wasn't up to no good. I kind of let her control me I suppose. I guess that's kind of always stuck with me. Thanks for your advice! Thank you all for the advice!
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