floods88 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 i feel really horrible as i've posted 2 weeks ago, my ex wanted me back and im finding everything so difficult. we're having so many arguments over silly things and i just feel like i have nothing left in me anymore to try. he keeps losing faith in me because ive got upset a couple of times over him not showing that he wants this as much as i do. i just dont feel he has the heart for it and ive asked him over and over if he just wants to call it a day but he says that he wants to be happy with me, but then pulls away when even the slightest thing goes wrong. he has been really nasty to me when weve been arguing and its really damaged my self confidence. i just dont know where to go from here. i want to not love him anymore and finish it with him but i know i'll never have the strength to do that. i also want us to be happy but it just feels impossible right now. im so stuck and i just feel miserable.
Ronni_W Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hugs, floods. You've tried a reconciliation, and it's not working. Give yourself permission to get the hell out of Dodge, and go be happy someplace else...with yourself, on your own terms. It's coming across that you're somehow thinking you have GOT to stay in this misery-inducing situation just because "he wants to be happy with" you. For you, though, it is about YOU being happy with whomever YOU choose as your partner. OF COURSE you have the strength to get out of ANY situation/relationship that makes you feel miserable, or hopeless, helpless, powerless, etc. Of course you do have what it takes to make yourself happy. Telling yourself anything else is you abandoning yourself, and rejecting your own feelings and right to be happy. I would encourage you to NOT reject yourself, especially not based on some misguided belief that you're not strong enough. If needed, perhaps have a few sessions with a therapist who'll be able to help you tap into your inner resources (confidence, esteem, strength, etc.) -- it's all there, but maybe you just need some assistance getting at it? Best of luck. Life is short...make it a happy one. Right?
HeavenOrHell Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hun, can you both go to relationship counselling and see if there's any way forward?
Beeotch Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 i feel really horrible as i've posted 2 weeks ago, my ex wanted me back and im finding everything so difficult. we're having so many arguments over silly things and i just feel like i have nothing left in me anymore to try. he keeps losing faith in me because ive got upset a couple of times over him not showing that he wants this as much as i do. i just dont feel he has the heart for it and ive asked him over and over if he just wants to call it a day but he says that he wants to be happy with me, but then pulls away when even the slightest thing goes wrong. he has been really nasty to me when weve been arguing and its really damaged my self confidence. i just dont know where to go from here. i want to not love him anymore and finish it with him but i know i'll never have the strength to do that. i also want us to be happy but it just feels impossible right now. im so stuck and i just feel miserable. Hon....from what you're saying, especially the parts I have bolded, it seems the MOST important thing for you to do right now is to strengthen YOURSELF and not be in this relationship. It sounds as though you have a low opinion of yourself and your worth and are soo worried about what this man thinks, feels and wants even though it seems like he is the one in the wrong. This is not love...this seems like two people forcing something that is NOT RIGHT. What is yours, will be yours is my motto and stepping awaaaaay from this situation that is hurting you and not productive seems to be the best you can do. You need to get a support system and find that strength within you because once you feel like you need this man or you feel like you know you don't have strength...you have already been defeated and people who are bad for you can sense this attitude and will step alllll over you! Please think about that and work on YOU which is all you have. Go on a break from relationships and this man and take care of yourself. If you all are meant to be then when you have sorted things out and have more confidence and assertiveness then it will only be better.
Author floods88 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 thank you so much for the support. i do really feel low in confidence right now and i know i need to sort myself out. but i need to work up towards ending it because i do love this guy and life without him was so hard when we were split up. i kind of feel like if i just lightened up and stopped feeling like this everything would get better, but i just cant seem to do it
Nuala83 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 i feel really horrible as i've posted 2 weeks ago, my ex wanted me back and im finding everything so difficult. we're having so many arguments over silly things and i just feel like i have nothing left in me anymore to try. he keeps losing faith in me because ive got upset a couple of times over him not showing that he wants this as much as i do. i just dont feel he has the heart for it and ive asked him over and over if he just wants to call it a day but he says that he wants to be happy with me, but then pulls away when even the slightest thing goes wrong. he has been really nasty to me when weve been arguing and its really damaged my self confidence. i just dont know where to go from here. i want to not love him anymore and finish it with him but i know i'll never have the strength to do that. i also want us to be happy but it just feels impossible right now. im so stuck and i just feel miserable. I have a slightly different take on this. As someone who's going through a reconciliation I can tell you that I found things incredibly difficult especially in the first few weeks. I also thought that he wasn't showing the interest he should have been while he argued that he wanted to take it slow and start again. We fought like crazy and I told him on a few occassions that I hated him and resented him. My ex pulled away from me a lot too which I just couldn't understand especially since he was the one who initiated getting back together. But then... gradually things started to get better. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I started just telling him calmly about things I was unhappy about and he stopped pulling away when I told him these things. I tried so hard not to get upset and emotional about that past and I told myself that if we were ever gonna get through this we were both gonna have to put all the bad stuff behind us and start again SLOWLY. Eventually I decided what would be best for me would be for us to get to know each other again with a view to getting back together. And I gotta tell you so far it's going great! Now that the pressure's off and we're just having fun together we're both more relaxed and he's really started opening up to me again. He refers to me as his girlfriend but when people ask about our situation I tell them "we're trying to work things through" which is the truth. I'm not a fool and I know second time arounds don't always work but I thought it was worth a shot. If you think your relationship is worth it, don't give up just yet. 2 weeks is a very short time. Don't make any rash decisions.
Author floods88 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 I have a slightly different take on this. As someone who's going through a reconciliation I can tell you that I found things incredibly difficult especially in the first few weeks. I also thought that he wasn't showing the interest he should have been while he argued that he wanted to take it slow and start again. We fought like crazy and I told him on a few occassions that I hated him and resented him. My ex pulled away from me a lot too which I just couldn't understand especially since he was the one who initiated getting back together. But then... gradually things started to get better. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I started just telling him calmly about things I was unhappy about and he stopped pulling away when I told him these things. I tried so hard not to get upset and emotional about that past and I told myself that if we were ever gonna get through this we were both gonna have to put all the bad stuff behind us and start again SLOWLY. Eventually I decided what would be best for me would be for us to get to know each other again with a view to getting back together. And I gotta tell you so far it's going great! Now that the pressure's off and we're just having fun together we're both more relaxed and he's really started opening up to me again. He refers to me as his girlfriend but when people ask about our situation I tell them "we're trying to work things through" which is the truth. I'm not a fool and I know second time arounds don't always work but I thought it was worth a shot. If you think your relationship is worth it, don't give up just yet. 2 weeks is a very short time. Don't make any rash decisions. thanks for your post. its really good to hear from someone who is going through similar difficulties. the thing with me is that i really want to start again and i do just want to enjoy each others company but i just cant seem to shake those feelings of insecurity and hurt. its also hard because we are both thinking negatively about the situation and its just making things worse than they really are. i think that him wanting to take things slow is making me feel like he's not as "into it" as i am but i know this is silly because we both agreed to take things slow and i shouldnt be reading into little things that he does/doesnt do as a sign that he doesnt love me as much anymore.
USMCHokie Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I don't think enough time passed between the breakup and reconciliation...the issues and problems from the first go-around are obviously still present...and it's the only thing the both of you can think about when you're together... I think reconciliations work only when both of you have had enough time to truly figure out what the problems were and fix them on your own end...obviously both of you are still very insecure about yourselves, each other, and the relationship itself...and no matter how many times you try to reconcile, it will always fail unless both of you are able to overcome the obstacles and made the relationship fall apart the first time... If he pulls away at the slightest sign of adversity, then he is either (1) still not mature enough for a relationship, (2) will never be mature enough for a relationship, or (3) just stringing you along by playing your emotions... In the end, I think the reconciliation attempt happened too soon...
tnttim Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I feel the same way about the taking it slow with my wife. Sometimes i love it and sometimes I hate it. But that was one of the reasons the break up happened, I put my feelings before her feelings. I admit when I want more from her it's because I am lonely, and want loving from her. When I think about that, I remember that happening in our relationship in the past. The difference now though is I recognize it as an opprutunity to act strong and let my feelings of loniless go. I had a rough day yesterday, I missed her all day and wanted to talk to her. But I knew if I talked to her in that state of mind I would have came off as wanting and weak. I made it through the day, and at the end of the night when she came home from work. We talked for like an hour, and she kissed me goodnight. So glad I stayed strong and didn't let my feelings get in the way, or that talk would have never happened.
Nuala83 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) Hi Floods, I’ve just had a look at some of your first posts. So you were together 3 years, you broke up with him after a silly fight, you regretted it but he didn’t want the two of you to get back together, you’ve been apart for about a month and in that time you’ve each been with another person. Is that about it in a nutshell? Well, I don’t think this is quite as bad as it may seem. First of all it’s completely natural for you to be feeling insecure and hurt. We all feel like that after a breakup and it takes quite a bit of time to get over. You’re only human. But he might be feeling the exact same way. That could be why he’s not acting as “into it” as you are. You’ve admitted that you’re both thinking negatively about the situation and you’re right, that probably is making things worse than they need to be. Chances are you’re feeling slightly p*ssed off that he’s saying he wants to try again but he’s not acting like he does, whereas he’s anxious about all the fighting so he’s pulling away, which in turn fuels your insecurity and unhappiness. Am I right? Personally I think that taking things slow is a marvellous idea, as hard as it may be for you. Jumping straight back into things the way they were creates a lot of pressure whereas if you take the pressure off, you’ll both start to relax a bit more and hopefully the rest will follow suit. Don’t expect too much at the moment. Just relax and try to enjoy each others company without expecting much in return and see if that bridges the gap. Focus on having fun together as friends and also having fun without him. You might find that he responds really well to this and starts getting more “into” the relationship. If he doesn’t, well at least you can say that you tried. But give it a fair shot, not just a couple of weeks. Right now there’s a lot of pressure to make things work and sort out hurt feelings. Have fun, work on yourself, enjoy time with each other without expectations and see if he stops pulling back. Edited December 13, 2009 by Nuala83
tnttim Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Nuala83 great post, I'm in a similiar situation as floods. Insight I needed.
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