hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 If you had 'the talk' about not being happy in you M and you asked your H if he had met someone and he said no, you trust him so believe him. You go to MC, do most of the things he has asked to try to improve the M. Things are still not good so you say to him maybe he should move out for a bit and get his head together, he breaks down, sobbing like a child, telling you he does love you but he's confused, still you don't understand why he is feeling like this but carry on trying to work on the M. How would you feel if after all this you found out he'd been having an affair for the last 2 yrs and claims to be in love with the OW? My xMM told me last night he couldn't leave her because she would never cope. He was crying obviously, sobbing in fact, just like he has done with his W when the pressure is on!! I do actually feel very sorry for his W, how can a man who claims to love his W (not in love, he says:rolleyes:) keep her in a M that will never make her happy by not telling her the truth. When they had 'the talk' she said if its going to end then lets do this now while we are both young enough to move on, he didn't come clean about me, he didn't take the offer of a trial separation, he cried, told her he was confused and then carried on with HIS life. His W still has no idea why he is confused, still has no idea he has been sleeping with another woman for the last 2 years and has been telling her a complete pack of lies about the state of their M. How would she feel if she knew he told me and others he was there because she was to weak for him to leave?
bentnotbroken Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 How do you feel allowing him to continue sleeping with you knowing the emotional abuse he is putting his wife through? Not being mean, I just don't understand your position. You know what he is doing to her and she doesn't. Even you said she was willing to move on and yet you allow him to waste her life. HIM to waste HER life. Would you want someone doing that to you. Burning what you could offer someone else who is more than willing to reciprocate?
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 She'd be broken if she knew. She'd be humiliated and embarrassed and heart broken.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 How do you feel allowing him to continue sleeping with you knowing the emotional abuse he is putting his wife through? Not being mean, I just don't understand your position. You know what he is doing to her and she doesn't. Even you said she was willing to move on and yet you allow him to waste her life. HIM to waste HER life. Would you want someone doing that to you. Burning what you could offer someone else who is more than willing to reciprocate? I feel like **** thats why I ended things a few weeks ago when I found out he was still giving his W hope. No one can make me feel any worse than I do and this is the reason I'm here, trying to do the right thing.
hoping2heal Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 If you had 'the talk' about not being happy in you M and you asked your H if he had met someone and he said no, you trust him so believe him. You go to MC, do most of the things he has asked to try to improve the M. Things are still not good so you say to him maybe he should move out for a bit and get his head together, he breaks down, sobbing like a child, telling you he does love you but he's confused, still you don't understand why he is feeling like this but carry on trying to work on the M. How would you feel if after all this you found out he'd been having an affair for the last 2 yrs and claims to be in love with the OW? My xMM told me last night he couldn't leave her because she would never cope. He was crying obviously, sobbing in fact, just like he has done with his W when the pressure is on!! I do actually feel very sorry for his W, how can a man who claims to love his W (not in love, he says:rolleyes:) keep her in a M that will never make her happy by not telling her the truth. When they had 'the talk' she said if its going to end then lets do this now while we are both young enough to move on, he didn't come clean about me, he didn't take the offer of a trial separation, he cried, told her he was confused and then carried on with HIS life. His W still has no idea why he is confused, still has no idea he has been sleeping with another woman for the last 2 years and has been telling her a complete pack of lies about the state of their M. How would she feel if she knew he told me and others he was there because she was to weak for him to leave? She would probably feel upset she was played for a fool. The same way you will feel, when you realise you are being lied too. "Honey, I know you have been unfaithful for me for two years, but the thing is..I just can't go on..cope..handle life..without a cheating husband in my life. I just won't know how to face the day knowing I could move on, and find a man who loves me, and adores me and can be faithful to me. I want you instead, I want a man who lies, and is selfish..that's a really hard charachteristic to find these days! Please don't leave me oh cheating husband of mine..please don't!" Uh yeah. No. Thing is, if she has her wits about her enough to tell him to move out and get his head together, I hardly doubt she is a mentally unstable type who won't cope without him. The way she sounds- she will be hurt when she finds out what a lying scum bum he is, but she will be Thankful he is out of her life. You are both being lied too. 1
Author hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 She'd be broken if she knew. She'd be humiliated and embarrassed and heart broken. I know this and it eats away at me every day.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 She would probably feel upset she was played for a fool. The same way you will feel, when you realise you are being lied too. "Honey, I know you have been unfaithful for me for two years, but the thing is..I just can't go on..cope..handle life..without a cheating husband in my life. I just won't know how to face the day knowing I could move on, and find a man who loves me, and adores me and can be faithful to me. I want you instead, I want a man who lies, and is selfish..that's a really hard charachteristic to find these days! Please don't leave me oh cheating husband of mine..please don't!" Uh yeah. No. Thing is, if she has her wits about her enough to tell him to move out and get his head together, I hardly doubt she is a mentally unstable type who won't cope without him. The way she sounds- she will be hurt when she finds out what a lying scum bum he is, but she will be Thankful he is out of her life. You are both being lied too. I agree, I have come to terms with the xA and am in the process of moving on (hopefully) but what he is doing to his W really pisses me off TBH. He makes out she couldn't cope if he left her but I think its the other way round. I think he needs to be needed and wanted and she gives him that and its a perfect way for him to feel important.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I agree, I have come to terms with the xA and am in the process of moving on (hopefully) but what he is doing to his W really pisses me off TBH. He makes out she couldn't cope if he left her but I think its the other way round. I think he needs to be needed and wanted and she gives him that and its a perfect way for him to feel important. That realization is an important breakthrough. I also think it's easier for a MM to blame his wife for straying and not being able to leave... The less blame he accepts, the easier it is on his conscience to cheat. I am sure if his wife knew about you, she'd leave him. She'd be heart broken, but she'd move on. At least now you can move on- it will take time to process everything and get over the affair- but you are free to move on to a relationship you deserve with a man that appreciates you and makes you a priority.
bentnotbroken Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I feel like **** thats why I ended things a few weeks ago when I found out he was still giving his W hope. No one can make me feel any worse than I do and this is the reason I'm here, trying to do the right thing. I understand what you are saying about how you feel....really I do. Do you see how he is abusing her? He is controlling her life without her knowledge. I pray you don't look back.
outofthedark Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Saying she is weak...no it is HE that is weak and oh the poor wife and that ow...they are both involved with a weak man. Im living this.. ow is in for a ride from hell, wife is too. Wife is in the dark, ow is allowing the mm to get away with a bunch of bs due to feelings for him.. this is just a complete mess. My 2cents... he is the weak one, dont let anyone or his lies tell you any different. He isnt giving her the truth to face her own reality of who her husband really is cuz he is too weak to admit what he is doing and let either of them go!
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Saying she is weak...no it is HE that is weak and oh the poor wife and that ow...they are both involved with a weak man. Im living this.. ow is in for a ride from hell, wife is too. Wife is in the dark, ow is allowing the mm to get away with a bunch of bs due to feelings for him.. this is just a complete mess. My 2cents... he is the weak one, dont let anyone or his lies tell you any different. He isnt giving her the truth to face her own reality of who her husband really is cuz he is too weak to admit what he is doing and let either of them go! Generally yes MM is weak. A strong man only needs one woman. And together the man and the woman are stronger than two peeple.
fooled once Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 If you had 'the talk' about not being happy in you M and you asked your H if he had met someone and he said no, you trust him so believe him. You go to MC, do most of the things he has asked to try to improve the M. Things are still not good so you say to him maybe he should move out for a bit and get his head together, he breaks down, sobbing like a child, telling you he does love you but he's confused, still you don't understand why he is feeling like this but carry on trying to work on the M. How would you feel if after all this you found out he'd been having an affair for the last 2 yrs and claims to be in love with the OW? My xMM told me last night he couldn't leave her because she would never cope. He was crying obviously, sobbing in fact, just like he has done with his W when the pressure is on!! I do actually feel very sorry for his W, how can a man who claims to love his W (not in love, he says:rolleyes:) keep her in a M that will never make her happy by not telling her the truth. When they had 'the talk' she said if its going to end then lets do this now while we are both young enough to move on, he didn't come clean about me, he didn't take the offer of a trial separation, he cried, told her he was confused and then carried on with HIS life. His W still has no idea why he is confused, still has no idea he has been sleeping with another woman for the last 2 years and has been telling her a complete pack of lies about the state of their M. How would she feel if she knew he told me and others he was there because she was to weak for him to leave? My question is..why do you believe him? Why do you still pine for him? Why do you so hope she would find out and kick him to the curb? Why? How would you feel if you found out all the stuff he has been telling you about his wife was a big fat pack of lies??
fooled once Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Also, if you are so done with him, why this post? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213286/ The DIY is more or less done, the hospital visit is over (he was fantastic, I have to say) and I kind of caved in last night:o sorry. Not completely caved but as good as....we should of been at our works Christmas party(where we met 2 yrs ago) obviously with hospital we didn't go but I talked him into coming round(yes it was me, didn't take much to talk him into) and I drank to much wine, we talked about nothing much, I read his tarot cards and we ended up intimate:o Not proud of myself but have been thinking all day about it. He rang me this morning to see 'how I was', (testing the ground I'm sure) he was putting up the Christmas lights outside his home(nice an cosy:rolleyes:) Anyway, I'm actually angry at myself for caving in but for the 1st time I'm angry at him, the crap he's spinning his W and the crap he's spinning me! It really sounds like you want her to find out, kick him out so you can have him. Why would you want him when you KNOW what he is doing to his wife?
Author hopeless4u Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Hopeless4U, this comes from a former other woman who was also hurt, so please don't be offended, but your comments are SO contradictory. You say, "I have come to terms with the xA, and am in the process of moving on", and, recently, "I ended things a few weeks ago", yet you posted today that you were "intimate" with him just last night!!! You are nowhere close to being through with him! My head has been all over the place this last week, not only about xMM but other things (hospital). I'm not proud of myself for Friday night but have told him it was a blip, a mistake and will not happen again. I know I have a long way to go but I'm trying, I really am.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Also, if you are so done with him, why this post? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213286/ It really sounds like you want her to find out, kick him out so you can have him. Why would you want him when you KNOW what he is doing to his wife? I know FO, I was in a very messed up place last night when I wrote this. I think the last week emotionally had taken its toll, I know it sounds like an excuse but it really has been exhausting, my hospital visit was quite serious and I think I needed him around and when it was done it was just complete relief, what I didn't mention was the tears that followed the intimacy. He rang today and we talked, I have told him I still don't want to be with him and that Friday was a mistake (he already knew that by my reaction on Friday). He knows how I feel about his W and I even said to him that I hope she finds someone and leaves him as what he is doing is selfish, to everyone. I also said that Friday just proves that as soon as I give in he just falls back to his old ways. I asked him why he thinks he's not made any effort at home, even though his W has and he said because if he does he thinks he will loose me forever, I answered that with ' you already have lost me', he was like...oh...um...right. I'm really not proud of myself but its happened and I can't do anything to change that so I need to pick myself up and try to move on the best I can. Oh and yes I do want his W to find out but not to have him to myself but to give her a fighting chance of finding some kind of happiness, with or without him and so we can all just get on with our lives. I know people will say their happiness is none of my business and you are right and hopefully one day I will be able to say that too.
bentnotbroken Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 As long as you keep talking to him you are prolonging this mess. You know what he is, you know that he will keep coming back as long as you keep leaving a crack in the door. Just like any rat, give it a sliver of light and it will use it. The sliver can be less than a third of the rat's body and mass and it will use it to it's advantage. What are you doing? Do something definite to end this. It will hurt, it will take courage and it won't be easy. It is possible and very necessary.
PhoenixRise Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Oh and yes I do want his W to find out but not to have him to myself but to give her a fighting chance of finding some kind of happiness, with or without him and so we can all just get on with our lives. I know people will say their happiness is none of my business and you are right and hopefully one day I will be able to say that too. You don't need her to find out for YOU to be able to get on with your life. He will never tell her...and he will do everything under the sun to stay in the marriage... It is always funny to me when WS post that their BS will be destroyed if the WS leaves. This is nothing but the WS ego talking..yes the end of a marriage hurts but people do get over it and this MM's wife is no different. The fact that SHE introduced the idea of a separation...that she is talking about not wasting her life beating a dead marriage says that if he wants to leave, if he wants someone else she is ready to move on. So he wants both. AND he can look her in the eye because he has no character, no conscience, and no integrity. The same reasons he can look you in the eye. 1
outofthedark Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Wow, that really does sum it all up doesnt it? Talk about seeing it in black and white! Nice statement
2sunny Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 you're pretending that you want to stop contact with him but your actions contradict your intentions. when you act in a definitive way with ABSOLUTELY no contact - he will understand that you mean business... in the meantime be consistent with your actions and intentions - you are sending him mixed signals. stop blaming him - you don't HAVE to participate if YOU choose not to.
PhoenixRise Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Wow, that really does sum it all up doesnt it? Talk about seeing it in black and white! Nice statement Why does there need to be gray in this situation? According to the OP this MM is lying to his wife and having her jump through hoops to make the marriage better while he carries on an affair with another woman behind her back. According to OP this man while claiming to OP that wife would be destroyed by his departure even as he talks HER into staying when she tells him they shouldn't waste each other's time and should separate...all while he carries on an affair with another woman behind her back. The OP asked how he could look her in the eye? I say these are the actions of someone with no character, no conscience and no integrity. No gray here Black and white are power colors.. Maybe you should answer the OP...Why do you think he can look his wife in the eye?
Spark1111 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 This poor woman! Here she is working on her marriage, desperately trying to help a man who seems despondent and confused, not knowing WHY he is despondent and confused. He says she wouldn't be able to cope? Oh, no, it is HE who can't cope with having an affair (s) and trying to keep a foot in the marriage. I hope she discovers the truth, and kicks his azz to the curb. She is being played, big time, by a fence-sitting cheater. And hopeless4u, so are you. So are you.
MizFit Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Also, if you are so done with him, why this post? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213286/ It really sounds like you want her to find out, kick him out so you can have him. Why would you want him when you KNOW what he is doing to his wife? The same reason a W will keep a husband who has done that to her-she loves him and is doing what she can to make it work. The W will go to MC and IC and struggle with visions of sex and intimate moments...the OW will hope and wish and make sure that when she finally gives up it is truly done. At the end of the day you can't say it's ok for a W to want him and an OW not to...and vice versa. If you're in love you'll more than likely fight for it till there's nothing left (in your own views) to fight for.
bentnotbroken Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 The same reason a W will keep a husband who has done that to her-she loves him and is doing what she can to make it work. The W will go to MC and IC and struggle with visions of sex and intimate moments...the OW will hope and wish and make sure that when she finally gives up it is truly done. At the end of the day you can't say it's ok for a W to want him and an OW not to...and vice versa. If you're in love you'll more than likely fight for it till there's nothing left (in your own views) to fight for. Actually the reasons only appear the same on the surface. I don't speak for all BS, but for those of us who really did believe in the for better or worse, it wasn't just about loving. It was about the covenant I made with him and God. It was about trying to do what I believe God wanted and what was best for not only him but my family. Then my minister pointed out that the covenant allowed one to walk away from marriage without guilt if the partner cheats. I understand what you are saying that a wife shouldn't want him either. That maybe true for some. But when you have what you believe is a strong bond with the person you married, had children with and built a history, there is a difference, whether the AP realizes it or not.
MizFit Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Actually the reasons only appear the same on the surface. I don't speak for all BS, but for those of us who really did believe in the for better or worse, it wasn't just about loving. It was about the covenant I made with him and God. It was about trying to do what I believe God wanted and what was best for not only him but my family. Then my minister pointed out that the covenant allowed one to walk away from marriage without guilt if the partner cheats. I understand what you are saying that a wife shouldn't want him either. That maybe true for some. But when you have what you believe is a strong bond with the person you married, had children with and built a history, there is a difference, whether the AP realizes it or not. BNB...I agree with what you're saying. What about the couple who has lived together for 10 years and never married-as far as I'm concerned, even if there are no vows they are as much 'together' as a married couple. I'm not saying a wife shouldn't want him...I'm saying that her emotions are to hold onto someone even when the betrayal has been so great, so if the OW has the same level of emotion then she can't be wrong to wait, or fight, for him either. I soooo strongly agree with you about the vows. I know we disagree about the part of the OW in the tragedy, but the vows are the cornerstone.
bentnotbroken Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 BNB...I agree with what you're saying. What about the couple who has lived together for 10 years and never married-as far as I'm concerned, even if there are no vows they are as much 'together' as a married couple. I'm not saying a wife shouldn't want him...I'm saying that her emotions are to hold onto someone even when the betrayal has been so great, so if the OW has the same level of emotion then she can't be wrong to wait, or fight, for him either. I soooo strongly agree with you about the vows. I know we disagree about the part of the OW in the tragedy, but the vows are the cornerstone. Actually I do agree that the ow's emotions are just as valid to her. For me it is the place of that the emotions come from. There is a cycle to love. Passion though important isn't enough to sustain a relationship. There will be ebbs and flows. What I believe the difference in the bs and the ow, is the ow gets what the mm wants them to see. The ow in my situation got the Mr. Messy that was charming, thoughtful, romantic and funny. I got that to....and as long as did what he deemed was appropriate, I got that. Have you ever noticed that when ow asks for more or isn't as "chipper" as in the beginning, he changes? His lies get more elaborate? It is because the ow starts to take on some of the characteristics of the wife. That isn't what he wants. He wants the carefree side of ow. Wife isn't an octopus so juggling everyday life and the little things(like acknowledging birthdays, births, deaths, graduations, Christmas cards....you know the little things)it is kind of hard to that way. The passion may not be there at the moment, but the love is. So I am asking what is the ow waiting or fighting for. The persona she sees or the person that mm really is. And yes I agree that people who lived together (I have a cousin who was with the guy for over 20 years, they married last summer:)).
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