LonelyGuy85 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 It's already started. The shorter days, constant christmas music and the ever increases crowds, so it can only mean one thing, it must be approaching the holidays. However, for all the joy and cheer that seems to be around, i can't help feel more isolated than ever, with people going out and having a merry old time, i am here, alone, in my house, drinking enough so i can pass out and hopefully, fingers crossed, get more than 4 hours sleep for once. I am dreading the week after next, when most people look forward to that time of year, i am nervous and anxious. The idea of being on my own is uncomfortable. My usually lonliness increases and becomes incredibly hard, i don't know if i can cope with being on my own. I mean just the thought of all those people enjoying themselves with friends, family and loved ones. It makes me incredibly down. To be fair, i have been invited to spend the day with my 'family' but i just feel so out of place there, like a pity invite, and the idea of spending the day with people who think very little of me and have done nothing more than humilate and degrade me my entire life, it's depressing. How do people try and cope with loneliness during the christmas period?
madrugada Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Oh man, I could have written that myself. I'm trying as hard as I can not to think about the holiday, but it's hard to avoid it with all the lights, the caroling, the music. All it does is remind me of last Christmas, which was so perfect when I was with my ex and everything was going so well. Now it's just me alone in my house, no decorations or lights, no cinnamon candles burning, just me, drinking in the afternoon. As for advice, I'm sorry but I got none. I was going to start a thread asking the same question. Anyone?
NopeNah Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Take a trip with the money you would have spent on your ex.
Author LonelyGuy85 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Christmas. I hate it. I used to love it, but now i dread the carols and christmas songs. It makes me feel so useless. I always thought that i would enjoy it again when i had children, but it's just never happened for me. I don't know if ican bare another lonely chrismtmas; last year was agony for me, and the thought of going through it again is unbareable. I need to do something.
DustySaltus Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 At the end of the day you need to believe that the person you are supposed to be with will make EVERY DAY feel like the holidays. We go through times like this where our faith is tested. Sure, we can mask the pain with alcohol, but it's the equivalent of putting a band aid on a gunshot wound. It won't solve the problem. The question we need to ask ourselves is what we are going to do to pick ourselves up? We can't rely on anyone else for our own happiness. What were our goals before we met our EX's because we weren't waiting for them to start our lives. Our lives started waaayyyy before them....we have to get back to OURSELVES. We can change our perspective ANY time we want. But let's not think because we are WITH someone or ALONE that defines us. We define us.
Author LonelyGuy85 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Ok, but what if you have never had an Ex......how can we define oursleves and test ourselves if we have nothing to test it against.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I'm dreading it too, I don't really mind spending xmas day alone as I'm not really an xmas fan anyway or religious, what I do mind and dread is the fact everywhere will be shut and everyone else is busy with friends or family so I feel I'm the only lonely, sad one. Enforced isolation for 4 days while everyone enjoys themselves when all I want to do is go to work and keep busy. Ugh. I feel a pressure to enjoy myself too. Bear in my mind though that it will pass quickly and that it isn't true everyone else is enjoying themselves, in fact the suicide rates go UP at xmas and new year! We are definitely not alone in how we feel. I'm going to try and get out for walks, hopefully with one or two friends who are available over xmas, and keep as busy as possible. Just keep in mind the new year is just around the corner. (I don't do the new years eve thing either, I don't drink and am in bed before midnight!). But... it will be a fresh start, new beginnings.
Author LonelyGuy85 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 True. Sadly i did a friends detox thing a few months back; got rid of them as they were making me feel so bad all the time, but it's so hard to make new friends, it's unbelievable. Thankfully, i am working new years eve though.
DustySaltus Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Ok, but what if you have never had an Ex......how can we define oursleves and test ourselves if we have nothing to test it against. What do you want out of life? What are things that make you happy? What would you want others to say about you when it's all said and done? What's the biggest challenge you've overcome so far in your life? Answer these questions and you're off to a good start. This isn't about an EX or SO, it's about you.
deux ex machina Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) The year has been an incredibly difficult one. Not just with this. It's only natural that around this time there is a looking forward, and looking back. When I step back and try to see it from a wider viewpoint, it all comes rushing back to me. I think what I figured out is that it's okay if it does right now. Maybe, not sure about that. What I'm seeing last Christmas, and this...but I'm also seeing that next year I won't be attached to it. Sure, I'm more detached than before, and am hopeful (and sad in a way), when I realize that I wake up and this is not my very first thought upon waking up or going to sleep at night, sometimes. Anymore. It feels right and okay and natural and it rips a hole straight through me. I'm okay with this. It's good to know that next Christmas I can be free of it in a way I probably can't really imagine at the moment. I really value that, and it makes me smile to think that - so that helps get me through. Having a free will and a clear mind is sooo important. I don't really know what you go through normally when the Holidays come around - some have strong positive or negative associations with the Holidays. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to treating myself a little bit gentler right now - kind of like I did when I was really going through the worst of it. Truth be told, I am nowhere near "healed" yet. Significantly better as time goes on, but it's astonishing when I think of how down for the count I was for a time. The thing is, it wasn't that long ago and I do not want to go back there. So I think that as much as I am able to do, I should go back to treating myself gently, because I already know it's not going to be easy - so why make it more difficult than it has to be? After all, we were given these minds for a reason, and if we are feeling things are/going to be difficult, than making allowances for that is using what we were given. We should feel good about that. All of the stress and whatnot can cause a backslide, so be mindful and take care. I'm one of those who has always had mixed feeling re: the Holidays. So, some of my tricks! In my free time, I personally like a nice cup of tea, candles, eat light, exercise, and a try to watch some comedy/light things I have on DVD, nothing too taxing. It's helpful to me to avoid those commercials, ect. this time of year. Usually I read quite a bit, but around the Holidays I never can concentrate well, so doing that is counterproductive for me. I tend to have a lot to do this time of year, so I do wonder if I could read more if I hadn't already done so much - meh, moot question. Anything cozy and comforting is something I respond well to this time of year. You may find the best way to cope is different from mine. Perhaps it's a good idea to have some sort of plan or a strategy of some sort that works well for you? It may be helpful, in that it can help you to understand that you can control a lot of variables in your environment. I wish you well. Edited December 13, 2009 by deux ex machina sorry about how this post was a bit of a vent there for a moment - hope you find it helpful in part
adamt Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) I'm not looking forward to new year. cant help but think back to last new year when i was with my ex, plannning to buy a house together, her mum was still alive, she was into me, we spent new year in her house. this year will probably be a quiet one. a few weeks ago i was dreading xmas holidays, it is horrible seeing everyone happy when you are missing your ex. we split up about 7 months ago. however 2 months ago i decided to join a dating website. this week met a gorgeous girl on there and now i am looking forward to meeting her again in the new year. she is taking my mind off the ex. something positive to think about in teh future. find something in the future that you can think positively try to look at it positively as a new fresh start, remember that you are not alone going through what you are. think about. make some new year resolutions. think about how you can improve yourself. set yourself some goals next year, plan a trip you have always wantged to do. decide to join and gym and lose weight and set yourself a plan get out with friends and familty. watch some dvds or use ps3/xbox to fill your time Edited December 13, 2009 by adamt
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Not like this is a great thought but some of those same people cuddling, cooing and kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas will be on LS Christmas 2010. We didn't see it coming when we were with our exes last Christmas and they don't see it now. Each relationship has a season. Everyone knows. MOST don't end in "til death do us part." hardly. It ends in a breakup(mostly someone dumped) or a divorce. A relationship that works is like a job. Each person has to work damn hard it for it to work. But unfortunately one or both partners slack on the job causing the whole thing to go bankrupt. Just hold on and come on here for support. I am not to sunny about the holidays either this year but that doesn't meant it will stay that way year after year.
GrayClouds Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Not like this is a great thought but some of those same people cuddling, cooing and kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas will be on LS Christmas 2010. Why do I find that so very very funny
gaura Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 lonelyguy85... i am also dreading the holidays. it's been one month exactly since my break up. i was with him for over 3 years and we had plans to spend part of christmas with his family. so this christmas is going to be especially difficult for me without him and the love from his family. for the past three weeks, i've been thinking a lot about the upcoming holidays. and like you, i've been wondering what i can do to cope with the loneliness. i don't like being envious, but i am at times. and right now, i envy all the people who are spending the holidays with their loved ones, friends, and family. i look at my friends... all married or engaged, and i think how special it is that they can spend the holidays with one another. for the past three years, i took that for granted. i am afraid for christmas and new year's because i know i'll feel very alone. i am afraid of all the racing thoughts about him and his family, and how happy they will be (and how i was supposed to be there with them). but i am thankful that i will be with my mother and father on christmas. they have been so helpful to me through this break up. it will just be the three of us since my brother is not able to make it home. the three of us together sounds nice (and it really is special to be with them), but it gets very lonely. my mom is going through her own depression which makes things difficult. it's not the most uplifting of times. new year's... that's the real killer for me. i'm thinking... what will he be doing? who will he be celebrating with? those thoughts are awful! neither of us drink, which was nice because we haven't felt the need to go out and do the whole new year's eve thing. for us, new year's was about spending the evening together, staying in, cooking a nice dinner, and trying to stay awake just long enough to see the ball drop. certainly not anything exciting, but that's what i will miss. to cope with this loss, i'm not sure what to do. my desire is to get away, to leave this place behind. i actually started looking online for last minute vacation deals to the caribbean! that's my impulsivity. but this would mean i would be traveling to a far off place alone. would that make me feel worse? hmmm... possibly. i really don't want to be here though, so there is a more likely possibility. perhaps i can go to the mountains of vermont, where my parents built a cabin a few years ago. they only go up there on occasions, but perhaps they will let me use it for a few days. there is no phone, no cellular service, no internet, no tv... just tranquility. i could get some good books and curl up next to the wood burning stove. since there is no tv, no internet and no phone, i wouldn't feel tempted to contact him, because there would simply be no way of doing so. i know this is all a temporary fix, and picking up and leaving is not the best thing to do, but my goal right now is to make it through new year's without having a setback. then onto 2010... a new beginning. i guess the good thing about this time of year is that 2009 will be coming to its end. with the new year, we need to believe there is hope and happiness ahead of us. i guess that gives me a sense of comfort. lonelyguy85, i want you to know that you are not alone. we are all in this together, in one way or another. i guess my way of coping is to get away from this place, be somewhere peaceful, read some good mystery novels (because they keep my mind active and curious), listen to some peaceful music (nothing about love and loss), and not use the phone or internet. this will prohibit me from calling, emailing, or texting (which i haven't done since he asked for space, but could see this happening on christmas and/or new year's eve). i know not everyone is able to get away like this, and who knows... it could be horrible! but if you are able to provide structure to your life, establish a clear plan for your day and evening (whether that means having a set time for working, exercising, reading, writing, watching a movie, etc), and try to remind yourself that the holidays will soon be past us, i think it could be helpful. while it does not solve being alone, perhaps it can offer a sense of comfort that you have a new beginning ahead of you. at least this is what i'm telling myself. i'm not sure it will work, but when i have nothing more, it's worth trying. i wish you well. just remember, you are not alone. i will leave you with one of my favorite quotes "When you come to the edge of all that you know, You must believe one of two things: There will be earth to stand on, Or you will be given wings to fly."
gaura Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 sorry... i know that was long. but writing has been helpful to me. best wishes, gaura
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Why do I find that so very very funny I don't know! LOL!!! But it is true! There are people I see holding hands and being all giggly that'll be a brand new member soon. We all know it. We see a new member all the time that never expected to be on here.
GrayClouds Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I don't know! LOL!!! But it is true! There are people I see holding hands and being all giggly that'll be a brand new member soon. We all know it. We see a new member all the time that never expected to be on here. I am sorry but that is so wonderfully bitter....LOL i will no longer see a sickeningly loving couple I am envious of, I will just see 2 soon to be new members of LS and try to guess their screen names, I can wait to get to the mall tomorrow and try it out!
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I am sorry but that is so wonderfully bitter....LOL i will no longer see a sickeningly loving couple I am envious of, I will just see 2 soon to be new members of LS and try to guess their screen names, I can wait to get to the mall tomorrow and try it out! Oh no!!!! I am literally ROTFLMAO!!!! Oh geez! See, THIS is why LS is a great place for us folks who need support from like-minded souls. I have had good and hearty laughs today as well as knowing tears reading more posts. This is just a good place to land when your heart is broke. And another thing GrayClouds...about 80% (seriously!) of my co-workers are NOT with the same people they were with this time last year. What a mad world!
GrayClouds Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 about 80% (seriously!) of my co-workers are NOT with the same people they were with this time last year. What a mad world! WOW it sounds like you work with some really loose / shallow co-workers.... can you introduce me to some of them!!!!!!!!!!!!! There must me more rebounding in your office then in most NBA games:lmao:
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 WOW it sounds like you work with some really loose / shallow co-workers.... can you introduce me to some of them!!!!!!!!!!!!! There must me more rebounding in your office then in most NBA games:lmao: Just stop it, GrayClouds!!!! You are too funny! LMAO! When I did the math, I was thinking..."OMG! About all of my co-workers were either single or with some other person in December 2008." Make me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy because of the hope of being with a brand new love and sad that obviously a relationship died at some point. Surely, we all should either stay or definitely come back to LS in a year to see how far we have come. I bet you that we will be in a completely different place in December 2010 than we are now. We just have to make sure we heed the good advice we get on here!
Author LonelyGuy85 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Great responses, and a surprising number of funny ones to, thank you for that! My problem is very different from most people here. I am not lonlely because of a recent break up. My loneliness stems from my complete lack of relationships, ever. The idea of being on my own indefinitely is crippling, and the holidays only makes it that much worse.
LovelyDaze Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Please hang in there LonelyGuy85. There are LOTS of us out here with you. But we WILL make it through.
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