Should I give up on complicated LDR?

[SaraSmile]

Hi LS Friends,

I'm new here, but have been reading a while, and hope for some advice from more experienced people here.

 

In a nutshell, I met a guy at a web dating site a year ago and we began a LDR. We live very far apart, but emails became intense and we started developing strong feelings of affection and romance, writing about all kinds of things we had never confided in anyone else in our lives. We are divorced and in our forties/ fifties, empty nesters, and we felt closer to each other than we had ever felt to anyone, including our ex's.

 

He had been married for ten years, but had divorced six years ago after separating twelve years ago when his wife left him after he had a year long affair. At the time, he had thought he was in love with the other woman and refused to end the affair, planning to marry her, but he did not initiate separation. After a year of fighting, his wife did, and they split up. His affair continued for a while, but eventually fell through, and he said later he realized he had never really loved that woman, and started to feel guilty for what he had done. He also believed he had never been in love with his wife, and did not want to reunite with her. The fighting about everything continued. Leading up to his affair, they had not been getting along and had been fighting all the time.

 

Five years after the separation, they still seemed to dislike each other and she filed for divorce, which he agreed to. They continued fighting and he poured all his attention and energy into raising the children. He did not begin dating until they had grown up and moved out, but he continued to fight with his ex wife until the last one moved out. After that, they had little reason for contact, and basically stopped almost all communication except for what was necessary and only about the children.

 

After the last child moved out, he started dating a little, but never met anyone special. His guilt grew so that it started interfering with his sleep, and he started to feel that his life was ruined and something was missing. He sometimes felt he should have done more to keep the family together, especially because of the fall out on the children. However, he remembered all the fighting and never missed his ex wife at all, and was sure he had never been in love with her in the first place.

 

He is a good father and continued to provide financial support to his kids and his ex-wife, but in the recession the last year, it became harder and harder to make the alimony payments. Still, he felt an obligation to pay the alimony he had agreed to at the divorce settlement. His guilt grew so immense that he began to have trouble sleeping through the night, but when he told me about his feelings about this, he said the guilt was all about how the divorce had affected his children, and for the broken family that was his fault. He said he knew the divorce had absolutely been the right thing to do (his words). He believed he had never loved her and never missed his ex wife, nor all the fighting and strife. He thought sometimes about going back to her, but couldn't bring himself to try to reconcile because of all the bad memories of fighting, frustration, anger, and the guilt. He continued dating a little, but never felt a connection to anyone. He knew something was missing in his life, so last year he signed up at a few dating sites online.

 

Then he 'met' me online, and started falling for me. Things were great except it was a very long distance relationship and we live in different countries, but the attraction and affection were so strong that neither of us could stop the development of our feelings and closeness.

 

After six months, he flew to meet me. We had only three days together, but things were great and we were falling in love in person as we had in email, and it was wonderful, but the distance was a problem, and we started thinking about how we would manage, would I move there or would he move here. We were open to either possibility, but had not decided yet, but things were going very very well and we were so surprised and thrilled that love had happened to us when we had not expected it. We talked about his divorce, and he told me he was absolutely sure it had been the right thing, and he never missed her. He told me he had never been in love with her, and felt far closer to me than he had ever felt to her. He told me about how they had been incompatibly in many ways and it had never been good. They had had very little contact in the past few years, but he did feel guilty about what he had done.

 

Just as he was about to fly back for a second visit, his ex wife called him and they met. I think she had heard about his relationship and felt threatened that he might be moving on after all... After eleven years of living apart, and five years after the divorce, she was emotional and told him she regretted the divorce. She asked him if they could try again. He was floored, but thought about it and realized it was something he had to do. His guilt was too great and he felt he had to give in at least one more shot. He told me and I was heartbroken, but agreed he had to do whatever he felt he had to do. He said the fact they had not had much contact at all the past few years had allowed his feelings of anger to mellow enough that he didn't dislike her so intensely. He told me he was not feeling emotional or in love with her, and had never felt those kinds of feelings for her, but that he missed having the family together and wanted to try and restore that.

 

They moved in together a few weeks later, after two conversations. That was a couple months ago. He told me he wanted to keep in touch and see how it goes.... He knows I will not have a romantic relationship with a married man, and even now our relationship is different. We do not talk with the affection or romance we had before. He tells me he is not sure and has thanked me for giving him this time to see if it can work. At first, I told him how heartbroken I was and how much he was beginning to mean to me, but then I reeled in my emotion.

 

Of course, I can understand the reasons for his decision and his desire to restore the family, but it is also very sad for me. We have not spoken on the phone in two months, but we send friendly but kind of distant emails every couple weeks or so. I am sooooo sad about this. I have considered going NC, but he wants to stay in touch. I feel if I were to go NC, he would get angry at me and try it with her anyway, so I think it's better to be kind and friendly, but at a safe distance. I won't see him if he stays with her, but I think it would be harsh to get angry at him. Still, he has put me aside for someone he has said he never was in love with and couldn't stand, and it hurts a lot.

 

I am trying my best to do the right thing, move on with my life, while not burning any bridges. He has not burned the bridge and has written to tell me it is still early in the experiment and it has not been easy to try and forgive and forget, but he is giving it a real attempt. He makes vague comments and even seems to joke about the situation, but I am not sure. I think he is not yet sure how it will work out, or if it will. I don't say much, but try to be friendly. I am keeping myself busy in the meantime. Unfortunately, the connection we had was very close, and I don't think I will find anyone I will love like I loved him, especially at my age (early 50s). I think reuniting with his ex wife has immense financial advantages for him (no more alimony), and it must be great to reunite the family. I just miss him so much.

 

Please if anyone has any thoughts, opinions, or advice, please share them with me. I have never heard of a divorced couple getting together again after so many years. Have any of you? Do you think they will be happy together after twelve years apart? He tells me if this had not happened, he would have been here visiting me, and soon we probably would have been thinking of marriage. I wonder what the chances are that they might find happiness together? What should I do? I have not begged, but was very emotional and sad the first couple weeks. Since then, I have been strong, friendly, and independent, working on myself and doing my best to enjoy life. He told me he thinks about me everyday, and I think of him all the time. My heart is broken....

 

Thanks friends

[cybersister]

How very strange. I could understand this if there were still children at home, but as there are not I can only think of his motives as financial. Or that he is actually frightened of the intimacy you sound like you were on the verge of. If he doid not really love his wife or the other partner in his affair, is he capable of letting himself love fully?

In either case, sadly, I think that you need to move on.

[SaraSmile]

Thanks for your thoughts, Cybersister. You raise an interesting point, that perhaps he is not able to love another person fully. He has after all been living alone for twelve years and seemed well adjusted to it. He did not often get lonely and had a busy social life and tried to schedule his life so he was not often alone.

 

He said 'something' was missing in his life, and I know his guilt over his affair has been crushing to him the past five years, and my feeling is that he missed family life, the sense of togetherness that normally comes with married life. I am sure he missed family far than his ex wife, in fact he said he never missed her at all, but hated having the children not with him at home all the time (they shared custody). Does it matter? We are in our fifties and perhaps being in a marriage is better than living alone at this time in our lives. Does the old adage, better the devil you know apply?

 

He still makes an effort to stay in touch with me, but seems not to have arrived yet at a decision about his ex wife and whether or not that relationship is viable. He had told me he had never been in love with her, so I think no amount of time or marital therapy would be able to repair what was never there. He said he never missed her in all the twelve years they have been apart, and that is a very long time, is it not? On the other hand, if he is incapable of loving anyone, it may not matter. I am not sure what to think about him. I do think you are right that he may have been afraid of the intensity of the intimacy we were beginning to share. Sometimes even I wondered if we were losing our minds. Love is a kind of insanity, is it not?

 

I am still unsure of how to proceed. We do not use the word 'friends' or 'friendship' to describe our relationship, and I can't see it ever being a friendship. It was too romantic, and I would not agree to that, but I find I am kind of in that position now. I simply do not feel inclined to contact him much, but I try and make the effort every couple of weeks so he feels he can talk to me when (and if) he feels the desire. NC would be far less painful. I feel like I am waiting for him to tell me we are on again, or for that other shoe to drop.

 

Should I give him a time limit to decide, or carry on with moving on in my own mind without telling him that is what I am essentially doing? Or say nothing until after New Year's? My heart is aching and I still love him. It's hard not to have hope when he is still writing to me, being affectionate (although not as much as before), and saying things that hint that it isn't all champagne and roses there. Quite the contrary, in fact, if I read his words correctly.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... I am so heartbroken still....

Thanks.

[lynne1973]

ok its time to play tough love here. it's obvious this man is trying to have his cake and eat it too. I would tell him flat out to make a choice, it's either gonna be me or the ex, and then cut all contact till he does. you are making it wayyyy too easy for him by staying in touch and as long as he feels he still has you in that way, then he will take his sweet time in choosing what he really wants. just imagine, if he don't feel he has too, this could go on forever...how much of your life are you willing to sacrifice while waiting around? life is way too short for that...but in the end, it's your decision to make....good luck either way.

[lynne1973]

oh and another thing, stop making excuses for the man! he is not a baby, he knows EXACTLY what he is doing. its like this: if a man really wants you, NOTHING or NO ONE can keep him away. if he don't, NOTHING or NO ONE can make him stay. its as simple as that, there's no gray areas or fuzziness. he will either know what he wants and do it. it's either one or the other. and from your story, it appears that he doesn't really want you enough to stay so it's time to move on! please you are allowing his behavior to continue everytime you remain in contact with him after the way he has left you for someone else, ugh!!! these men have nerve i swear!

Edited December 19, 2009 by lynne1973

[SaraSmile]

Thanks lynne. I agree I should cut this off, but it's so hard to do. Thanks for telling me your thoughts.

 

I want to go NC, but don't know how to do it. I feel it would be almost cruel to ignore his last contact, especially during this time of year, and I have not replied to his last email even though he expressed some stress about his current situation. I don't know if he is happy or not during this trial with his ex wife. He hints not, but has been vague, but I do know he is not with his entire family for the holidays, so I feel badly ignoring him. I have not replied to him and frankly I don't want to write back, but I don't want to hurt him. Would that be too rude?

 

I hate this. I wish I didn't worry so much about his feelings! I am sure he doesn't worry nearly as much about mine, but that seems to be the way it always is for me.

[dazzle22]

This is a very painful emotional situation, but when you are deep into some things emotionally, you often can't THINK clearly. And you are not thinking clearly here, and that is of course why you want objective opinions. So..

 

-I have to agree with the other posters. If he REALLY wanted you, nothing, no one, no distance could keep him from you.

 

-you need to come to grips with the fact that you REALLY DON'T KNOW HIM.. NO YOU DON'T. You know him mainly online, and people can really be whoever they want to be when they have the option of pressing the ERASE and EDIT button on what they say, and contemplate every response before they send it. Real life is not like that.

 

-don't worry about what he thinks. He obviously didn't think enough about you, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten back together with an ex who by all accounts, made him unhappy. Of course, all you have is his WORD for this, you have no OBJECTIVE evidence of whether anything he says is really true.

 

-you deserve to have a REAL relationship. LDR and internet relationships aren't really REAL relationships. Sorry, they just aren't. I know that doesn't make the pain less though...

[SaraSmile]

Thanks Dazzle22. I know you are right, but I guess the limerance has clouded my ability to think clearly and it's been going on over a year now with very frequent and intense contact, even though it was mostly email. On top of that, I feel guilty for not having replied to his last email which was a while ago. I don't know if he even cares... but I am sure he is wondering if it means anything... especially as it is Christmas in a few days and if I don't write something, he will know it means something. I think he would get the message that I have cut it off, and he would probably disappear. I suspect he feels at least a little guilty about having hurt me so, and he tends to run from that emotion unless it's thrown in his face, which I cannot and will not do.

 

 

Please advise me... should I send him a Merry Christmas email? And should I write in it that I think this should be our last contact unless his situation changes, or just keep it short and cheerful (and therefore temporarily evasive) until after the holidays? I hate to reject him just before Christmas, but it feels so dishonest to write Merry Christmas as if all is fine when it is anything but.... and it feels awful to ignore him completely at this time of year especially. I can't stop thinking about last Christmas when we were so close... in almost daily contact already... How do I word it correctly or should I wait until after the holidays?

 

I'm sorry I am still struggling with this, but I really appreciate your insightful comments and support. Thanks so much.

[dazzle22]

I know it is tempting to send an email or card, but DON't. The one who was left should never be the first to send a card. You are so worried about what he thinks, who cares?? He left your friendship to take up with an ex. I don't for one minute believe all that stuff that he didn't love her, doesn't care. He wouldn't go back to it, then, unless he was a pathological martyr - and very few men are martyrs for love. I bet if you would meet his wife, it would be a real eye opener. She is probably a fairly nice person. You have ONLY HIS SIDE of that story...

 

You are not rejecting him before Christmas. He left you. Remember that. I think you should get a book called "Women Who Love too much". It really, really helped me and you sound like you struggle with some of the same dynamics that I do. Use this time to learn more about yourself and how you are in relationships, and how you can make changes to be in a more healthy relationship in the future. That is what I did. After my divorce, I think I read about 15 really good relationship books and journaled and saw a counsellor and I got fabulous insight into my part in my failed marriage. Hope this helps.

[SaraSmile]

Dazzle, thanks again. I don't mean to sound like I am resisting your advice, but I forgot to mention that he did send me a Christmas card, and it was over a week ago. I would normally have written back within days, but I haven't replied this time... yet. He said he hoped to hear from me soon so he could tell me more about how things are going with his ex wife.

 

I agree with you that his hints that it's not great, he isn't in love with her, etc etc mean nothing really. He could be stringing me along while he is confused, or worse, hoping for an extra-relationship affair, although I shudder to think that and I can't imagine he could do that, but you are right I don't really know him as I thought.... I do wonder if he does love his ex wife more than he has been willing to admit. She is probably a great person and probably very attractive, and she left him after he was a jerk to her, so there may be more than just the guilt he claims is driving this second attempt...

 

He said he is having a 'lot of remorse', but didn't go into detail, so I don't know if that's BS to fool me or if he is really having regrets, but anyway I would not be the first one sending a card. If he had not already sent me one last week, I would not even think of sending him one. But he did leave me for her and he does not deserve to hear from me ever again. I know I am being tooooo understanding.

 

I am sorry for sounding like such an idiot, but OMG this hurts. I do love too much, and it goes back to family of origin issues for me. I am going to buy that book right now... Thanks for recommending it.

[dazzle22]

Yes, I think you are starting to think more clearly. If you look at your first post, and now your last one, you are gaining insight into this situation.

 

Don't send the card. He wants to talk to you about HOW THINGS ARE GOING WITH HIS EX WIFE??? He can stuff that where the sun doesn't shine! He just wants to keep you waiting in the wings if it doesn't work out.

 

Interesting that you mentioned your family of origin issues. I am a huge believer that unless we come to grips with those issues, we just "play them out" over and over and over, in a subconscious attempt to "get it right". I think you will like the book. Let me know.