Angel1111 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 If he's lying to you and you know that he is, then why are you still with him? As far as whether MM have an endpoint in mind, yes, they do - they know that the OW will get sick of being the OW and that she'll eventually leave. MM also knows that it will probably hurt him a lot when the OW leaves him but that usually is not enough motivation to make him leave his marriage. Money, kids, history, responsibility, reputation, and the desire not to hurt someone will all take precedence over you because that's the way men think and how they prioritize things.
atlnay Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 If he's lying to you and you know that he is, then why are you still with him? Was this for me? I'll answer just in case. I'm not with him anymore. I started NC this week.
Once Bitten Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Interesting concept...he was never quite to the point he was flaunting it, but the risks were much higher than I'd have expected. I do think a lot of what you're saying is valid and very interesting. As far as throwing me under the bus...there were a few things he did where I could have been well and truly thrown under the bus. He chose to not do that...he did to me what he always said he would-leave the relationship for his M. I think he also knows that if he had intentionally sent me anything or 'ambushed' me I'd have been at his door and sorting out in person with both of them. If he'd thrown me in front of the bus I'd gotten up and pushed back a little. Sounds a lot like my situation and my mm. We had dday about 2 months ago and from week 3 he's broken no contact. He bought me a train ticket to go see him this week as well. He wants to continue things on with the obvious new restrictions in place. We've had long talks and a lot have been about how he worked to stay in the M so why does he want to risk things so quickly and probably lose everything if she catches him again. He doesn't know. I'm not willing to walk away from him now that he's made a serious bid to patch things up. I know everyone will have opinions and that's fine, but I'm not strong enough at this point and I can't give up at this point. Does he have an endpoint? I can't believe he does.
Angel1111 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I wonder how many MM who claim to be in “bad” M really are.... I actually never understood how/why a single woman could be committed to a MM (when he lives with W and OW is a secret), and wait around for him to finally choose her. Its like the MM holds all power. If a man is happy in his marriage, he isn't likely to cheat. People become open to other people when they feel neglected or when a connection has been broken in some way. I think serial cheaters are more rare. Most affairs are highly charged emotionally, because it's the emotional part that's missing in the marriage and it fills the gap. It's not necessarily always about the MM's power, and they probably don't even see it that way. xMM once told me, "You're with me because I'm safe." There was probably a lot of truth in that, although it wasn't a conscious thought on my part. The married person who has chosen to stay in their marriage regardless of the circumstances, also feels a lot of helplessness in the sense of knowing that they'll lose the OW - if she's single - because she's free to do as she pleases. So, the power cuts both ways.
Angel1111 Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 Was this for me? I'll answer just in case. I'm not with him anymore. I started NC this week. No, it was for the OP because she said, "that would explain a lot of the lies." Good for you for walking away from your situation, though.
White Flower Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 It's funny looking back on who I was when he told me that and who I've become now and it's only been about 4 months ago. At the time: - I wanted to believe him so I stayed with him even though deep down I could see the writing on the wall - The A started after he got married, we had been fooling around for about 7 months up till that point. All in all it's been a year. 7 months with him being single(mostly emotional) , 5 months of with him being married (physical started). Right now: - I believe he wants to keep going as long as wifey doesn't find out. He's not leaving her. I get that now. - I no longer work with him and have started NC Thanks for the backstory:)
New_Life08 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 Honestly I think it suits the married person just fine to have their cake and eat it too; so long as the OP allows it.
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