Malenfant Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 It seems to me that alot of people have this mentality. Mainly i've brought this up in response to all the snooping and spying threads. I'd like to point out that there is a world of difference between privacy and secrecy. it seems that alot of people on here think that its fine for you or your partner to look through each others things because there is nothing to hide. this isnt the point at all. you're going about it all the wrong way. I'm a 100% faithfull partner, and have no secrets from my H, but if i found out he had been goin through my things to 'make sure' i wasnt up to anything I would be so hurt for him to suspect me, and i would feel that something was wrong with our relationship for him to feel this way. If a person acts suspiciously, then thats different, if you're given a reason to feel that something is wrong then I totally understand. But I resent comments that attack a person's requirement for privacy, implying that if you're not happy for your partner to go through your things then it must be because you have a secret. I would have no problem with my H looking through my PC or phone because of content, but i would be upset thast he felt the need to. the more you dig through someone's stuff, the miore likely you are to find something that can be construed as suspicious. We all have friends and aquaintences of the opposite sex, most people have an old photograph of an ex or with their arm around someone. this doesnt constitute infidelity. I just feel quite sad that people are so generally suspicious, when, from alot of what I have read on this forum, what people really want is to have a loving secure relationship with one person. So why cant we accept that that may be what our partner wants as well?
imagine Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hey, I've been there as well. My wife found letters to a very old girlfriend that I had not discarded. I had not seen these for years. She only mentioned those letters years later. I could not account for her mood at the time of discovery. We talked about it those years later. I reiterate the expression "Trust, but verify". These are not only opportunities to rescue an unhappy marriage, but opportunities to find out whether the marriage is unhappy. Marriage IS work. Discovery of some negative characteristic should not be a chore. Sometimes it is a challenge but should not detract from the love that you have COMMITTED to the other. And yes, love is an offering.
You'reasian Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) It seems to me that alot of people have this mentality. Mainly i've brought this up in response to all the snooping and spying threads. I'd like to point out that there is a world of difference between privacy and secrecy. it seems that alot of people on here think that its fine for you or your partner to look through each others things because there is nothing to hide. this isnt the point at all. you're going about it all the wrong way. I'm a 100% faithfull partner, and have no secrets from my H, but if i found out he had been goin through my things to 'make sure' i wasnt up to anything I would be so hurt for him to suspect me, and i would feel that something was wrong with our relationship for him to feel this way. If a person acts suspiciously, then thats different, if you're given a reason to feel that something is wrong then I totally understand. But I resent comments that attack a person's requirement for privacy, implying that if you're not happy for your partner to go through your things then it must be because you have a secret. I would have no problem with my H looking through my PC or phone because of content, but i would be upset thast he felt the need to. the more you dig through someone's stuff, the miore likely you are to find something that can be construed as suspicious. We all have friends and aquaintences of the opposite sex, most people have an old photograph of an ex or with their arm around someone. this doesnt constitute infidelity. I just feel quite sad that people are so generally suspicious, when, from alot of what I have read on this forum, what people really want is to have a loving secure relationship with one person. So why cant we accept that that may be what our partner wants as well? I'm ok with someone digging through my stuff. Glad to talk about it. This addresses the person acting suspiciously possibility - I think people notice when words and actions don't match or when certain personality tempt one to cross the line. People aren't always open or honest about what it is they want - they may be in a situation of self-discovery while in the middle of a relationship. Its unfortunate for the relationship, but best for both people involved in the long-term. Its best for two people to meet who are on the same page about these things. Edited December 12, 2009 by You'reasian
cybersister Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I agree. a relationship has to be basesd on trust, and if you do not trust then it is OK to ask direct questions... I am not oK with being spied on, but do accept that if someone thinks I am acting suspiciously they may think that their need to know overrides my need for privacy. the problem arises when the snooping is constant and without cause ( I despite being guiltless have suffered this ) . It is impossible to prove a negative and if the partner continues to snoop then it just drives you apart.
Author Malenfant Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 I agree. a relationship has to be basesd on trust, and if you do not trust then it is OK to ask direct questions... I am not oK with being spied on, but do accept that if someone thinks I am acting suspiciously they may think that their need to know overrides my need for privacy. the problem arises when the snooping is constant and without cause ( I despite being guiltless have suffered this ) . It is impossible to prove a negative and if the partner continues to snoop then it just drives you apart. yes, this is what i'm talking about, and the fact that its impossible to prove a negative. if a person gives cause for suspicion, then thats different
imagine Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The other side of the picture happens quite frequently at this column. A spouse declares a change in mood of partner -they will not check on their spouses details. For sake of privacy! Later, they cannot believe how they have been taken in. What do you say - "Moderation in all things?"
on1wheel Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I agree with you that in a perfect world there should be no need "to make sure". But the reality is that so many relationships end because of affairs & more & more it is the woman now. I read some stats that the 90's & the last decade especially have seen a total reversal of what happened in the 70's & 80's; where men caused 90% of all divorces. Nowadays women seem to cheat "because they can". They are now the catalyst for 80-90% of all divorces; with infidelity being the main cause. It happened to me with a woman that swore she would never cheat, had never cheated in the past; that being a child of a broken home made her know what the impact could be on an innocent child. Yet all of it turned out to be BS, as 3 yrs into our marriage (5 1/2 yrs total) & with an innocent 19 mth old baby @ home with me she started & kept a 2 mth affair going before I caught her. I caught her by checking in her phone & PC usage btw. So I say to you that no one checks up on someone w/o cause. I suggest that anyone that is being checked up (whether truly guilty or not) has done something serious enough to cause their partner to feel the need to verify if they are wasting their lives in a deadend relationship. Just my opinion; for what it's worth. Cheers.
MichiganMan222 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I would have a problem with being constantly monitored or her having suspicious notions regularly for no good reason, but I certainly don't mind when I'm the 'victim' of a little opportunistic spot checking once in awhile.
MichiganMan222 Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 I suggest that anyone that is being checked up (whether truly guilty or not) has done something serious enough to cause their partner to feel the need to verify if they are wasting their lives in a deadend relationship. Just my opinion; for what it's worth. Cheers. Not always. From my experience, it was the ex-bf that caused the gf to check up on me. My last two were cheated on by their ex's (long term affairs) causing both women to be a little more cautious with me. Fair enough.
silic0ntoad Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 So why cant we accept that that may be what our partner wants as well? Great quote that sums this whole thing up: Ever are the distrustful treacherous.
seogorilla Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 Not always. From my experience, it was the ex-bf that caused the gf to check up on me. My last two were cheated on by their ex's (long term affairs) causing both women to be a little more cautious with me. Fair enough. I have found that very private people most times are hiding something . I like Tiger really but I am a very private person BS well out it comes and here we go. By acting the way alot of girls do now a days they bring on men saying I am paying all your bills for your nanny and maid and car and house I know I do this. Then when I got left alone by my wife with these nannys and maids who by the way were young and hot I was like wow whats up here ? I did nothing but she on the other hand would just go out spend my money and maybe pick up when I called . Ladies your want the royal treatment well it will cost you one way or another you cant have everything paid for and then just do as you please no women is worth that NONE. I make 7 figures a year online and I dont want to have to pay for someone who thinks they are the CIA if there is nothing to hide then let the guy look whats the risk . Guys dont just one day wake up and go gee i dont trust her for something to do . Women now think that the grass is aways greener some place eles no matter who they are with even Clooney got cheated on so we as man go wow he gets slammed so we worry .
Maggotface Posted December 23, 2009 Posted December 23, 2009 I agree with the OP completely, people are so untrusting and love to snoop. I hear a lot from girls that they were cheated on in the past and now snoop because they're cautious but why should your current boyfriend have to pay for what the others did!? Being obsessive and suspicious is not attractive and if your significant other does have something to hide they will be smart enough to cover their tracks since you dig through their stuff all the time.
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