Why do they chance it?

[MizFit]

A question here for any WS...you go through a DDay, promise your BS NC with the AP...then break the promise?

 

This is what's confusing me...my xMM is breaking his promise of NC to his W. It's limited, but it's happening...there are 2 reasons why the A won't continue-the important one being me and the other being the impossibility of logistics and communication if I did choose to.

 

DDay was just over a month ago and as promised he fought tooth and nail to stay home...why risk it?

 

Take the temp of the AP with the intent to resume...ego massage...love? The first explained above, the second maybe if messages were geared that way, the third he walked away from once...so why risk everything for what you walked away from?

 

I'll be perfectly honest my head is all over (my friend tells me I overanalyze and think too much-she is soooo right)...I won't go back into the A, but I'm struggling to keep NC. I just don't understand why he would fight so hard to save something and then so quickly turn his back on it again.

 

It could well be I'm just searching for answers that will never surface. Every story is different and we'll never be involved enough again for me to find out...maybe I just need a kick in the pants from the forum to make sure my head stays where it belongs!

[norajane]

Because he's a selfish, selfish man who cares only about what he wants when he wants it?

 

Because now that things have settled down at home, he misses the validation he got from you and is seeking another jolt or two to make himself feel better?

 

Because he's so self-centered he doesn't consider or give a damn that he hurts you and sends your head spinning each time he contacts you, even though he dropped you right after dday?

 

It's any number of reasons, but they all boil down to him being an ass and being focused only on HIM HIM HIM. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking he's pining for you...he is, but only as far as his ego is concerned. People who cheat are selfish and feel entitled - start there and you will find that explains pretty much everything they do.

[MizFit]

Because he's a selfish, selfish man who cares only about what he wants when he wants it?

 

Because now that things have settled down at home, he misses the validation he got from you and is seeking another jolt or two to make himself feel better?

 

Because he's so self-centered he doesn't consider or give a damn that he hurts you and sends your head spinning each time he contacts you, even though he dropped you right after dday?

 

It's any number of reasons, but they all boil down to him being an ass and being focused only on HIM HIM HIM. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking he's pining for you...he is, but only as far as his ego is concerned. People who cheat are selfish and feel entitled - start there and you will find that explains pretty much everything they do.

 

There's my kick in the pants!

 

The trick is I know he's pining...for whatever the reason...but is that jolt worth losing everything over? That's what I'm trying to get sorted in my head...and probably never, ever will! If you've been busted once don't you worry about being busted again...especially after such a short time?

[norajane]

Liars who get caught just learn that they need to lie better. He probably is very conscious of getting caught, so I'm sure he's being extra-careful, one way or another.

[Fallen Angel]

That is a question I ask myself all the time, as well.

 

We had our D-day some time ago, yet the contct never stopped.

 

And the affair has continued as though a D-day never happened. If anything he has gotten sloppier about keeping things hidden.

 

He contacts me more frequently from home, the phone bills just keep getting larger, and he spends more nights away from home, with me, than before. I sometimes wonder if he wants it to all just be enough to have her confront him again, but yet staying their in the marriage is the choice he makes everyday. So it makes no sense to me.

 

If you figure it out let me know, cause I have been trying to figure that one out for a long time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He wouldn't contact you if he thought his wife was serious about throwing him out. He is probably fairly certain that she is far enough into reconciliation that he can get away with sneaking around again, and far enough into it that he can convince her yet again not to let him go.

 

A MM/MW is only going to do as much as they can get away with.

[bentnotbroken]

It's called the gift of denial. This gift comes with several handy little gizmos that allow a cheater to justify in their minds what they are doing to the spouse and by extension to the AP.

 

1) I am in love. This is true by the way. They are in love. But what the AP and the BS fail to realize is they are in love with themselves. How could you love anyone and hurt them so that you get what you want. Love isn't a weapon to be used to beat others into the position you want them to hold in your life. By lying to the BS you beat that person into the role off believing in you, believing in the marriage, thus believing in recovery. The AP is beaten into their role with continued contact(honey i only did that to get the bs off our trail.) Well dookie head, you had the opportunity to walk, wide open and honesty. Yet you ran willing right back into the lies and deceit and dragged others with you.

 

2)I am so confused. I have children, finances, friends, obligations, a reputation and an image. Here is the funny part to that. No of those things were important enough to keep you faithful, so why are the important enough to keep you married. The silliness in the WS thinking that what isn't known won't hurt anyone is another tactic they use to sooth the irritation of walking around in the world without a backbone. But it only soothes until one or both people get tired of the situation and start to put the squeeze on the nut sack. Which leads to

 

3) I don't want hurt anyone. I want my AP to be happy(even if it is without me) and I want to stay with my BS because they would be devastated if I left. PPPPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE give me a break. Of course you don't mind anyone being hurt, as long as it isn't you or inconveniences you too much. What on God's green earth would make you think having sex and splitting emotional time between two partners(thus limiting time with both and any children involved) would not hurt anyone. People can feel indifference. They may not be away of what it is. They may not be able to put their finger on it and pinpoint it, but they can feel a shift in the dynamics. Maybe only something subtle but it is their. Do you really believe you can look people in the eyes, play with their emotions and lie and no one will be hurt. If that is true then you have the emotional maturity of a retarded amoeba.

 

4)Which is full of anything that I left out of the first 3. They are the most self centered pieces of walking talking crap. They absolutely build up in their heads that life is about them and what they want, not need, want. I don't care how many times it is said...if you are stranded on a desert island with food, water, shelter you will survive. Sex isn't even in the top 10. I mention sex because that is the excuse I have seen mentioned most over the years as to why they have affairs. I believe they all are excuses. If you were given 10 minutes to get out of your house with all that you need to survive for awhile, I highly doubt you would pick a big ole coochie or a dildo to take along.

 

Yes this is an opinion. Yes, these are highly generalized. Yes, it doesn't apply to every case ( as evidenced by GEL and OW who's former MM, now spouses support what I am saying. If it is true love, respect, honor and the BS was a tyrant, they leave when shown the door. And they don't look back.)Yes, it came from a FBS. And no I am not angry or bitter. But I am pissed off when I see the destruction that is caused to so many lives because one person has so much control( by lying ) over so many lives. Stop playing the game and take your power back. I only pray to God that the BS gets a song from a little birdie and kick his jello azz out the front door.

[temple]

It's called the gift of denial. This gift comes with several handy little gizmos that allow a cheater to justify in their minds what they are doing to the spouse and by extension to the AP.

 

1) I am in love. This is true by the way. They are in love. But what the AP and the BS fail to realize is they are in love with themselves. How could you love anyone and hurt them so that you get what you want. Love isn't a weapon to be used to beat others into the position you want them to hold in your life. By lying to the BS you beat that person into the role off believing in you, believing in the marriage, thus believing in recovery. The AP is beaten into their role with continued contact(honey i only did that to get the bs off our trail.) Well dookie head, you had the opportunity to walk, wide open and honesty. Yet you ran willing right back into the lies and deceit and dragged others with you.

 

2)I am so confused. I have children, finances, friends, obligations, a reputation and an image. Here is the funny part to that. No of those things were important enough to keep you faithful, so why are the important enough to keep you married. The silliness in the WS thinking that what isn't known won't hurt anyone is another tactic they use to sooth the irritation of walking around in the world without a backbone. But it only soothes until one or both people get tired of the situation and start to put the squeeze on the nut sack. Which leads to

 

3) I don't want hurt anyone. I want my AP to be happy(even if it is without me) and I want to stay with my BS because they would be devastated if I left. PPPPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEE give me a break. Of course you don't mind anyone being hurt, as long as it isn't you or inconveniences you too much. What on God's green earth would make you think having sex and splitting emotional time between two partners(thus limiting time with both and any children involved) would not hurt anyone. People can feel indifference. They may not be away of what it is. They may not be able to put their finger on it and pinpoint it, but they can feel a shift in the dynamics. Maybe only something subtle but it is their. Do you really believe you can look people in the eyes, play with their emotions and lie and no one will be hurt. If that is true then you have the emotional maturity of a retarded amoeba.

 

4)Which is full of anything that I left out of the first 3. They are the most self centered pieces of walking talking crap. They absolutely build up in their heads that life is about them and what they want, not need, want. I don't care how many times it is said...if you are stranded on a desert island with food, water, shelter you will survive. Sex isn't even in the top 10. I mention sex because that is the excuse I have seen mentioned most over the years as to why they have affairs. I believe they all are excuses. If you were given 10 minutes to get out of your house with all that you need to survive for awhile, I highly doubt you would pick a big ole coochie or a dildo to take along.

 

Yes this is an opinion. Yes, these are highly generalized. Yes, it doesn't apply to every case ( as evidenced by GEL and OW who's former MM, now spouses support what I am saying. If it is true love, respect, honor and the BS was a tyrant, they leave when shown the door. And they don't look back.)Yes, it came from a FBS. And no I am not angry or bitter. But I am pissed off when I see the destruction that is caused to so many lives because one person has so much control( by lying ) over so many lives. Stop playing the game and take your power back. I only pray to God that the BS gets a song from a little birdie and kick his jello azz out the front door.

 

Uh, WOW. This was an incredible post and made me feel loads loads better, I hope it does the same to the OP. I guess I have nothing more constructive to add except for: Listen to bentnotbroken's words of wisdom!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Bent - I really think this was the perfect post. Thanks for sharing.

[jennie-jennie]

It beats me why people are surprised that the MM first does all he can to save the marriage and then returns to the OW. The MM has already shown he wants both.

 

At Dday the marriage is the relationship in worst danger, so he does all he can to save the marriage. Throwing the OW under the bus has nothing to do with that relationship. The OW ought not to take it personally. The MM is just doing what he needs to do to save the marriage. And then, as soon as the marriage is saved, he does what he has to do to save the EMR.

 

He is just not ready to choose yet, and he might never be.

Edited December 12, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[You'reasian]

A question here for any WS...you go through a DDay, promise your BS NC with the AP...then break the promise?

 

This is what's confusing me...my xMM is breaking his promise of NC to his W. It's limited, but it's happening...there are 2 reasons why the A won't continue-the important one being me and the other being the impossibility of logistics and communication if I did choose to.

 

DDay was just over a month ago and as promised he fought tooth and nail to stay home...why risk it?

 

Take the temp of the AP with the intent to resume...ego massage...love? The first explained above, the second maybe if messages were geared that way, the third he walked away from once...so why risk everything for what you walked away from?

 

I'll be perfectly honest my head is all over (my friend tells me I overanalyze and think too much-she is soooo right)...I won't go back into the A, but I'm struggling to keep NC. I just don't understand why he would fight so hard to save something and then so quickly turn his back on it again.

 

It could well be I'm just searching for answers that will never surface. Every story is different and we'll never be involved enough again for me to find out...maybe I just need a kick in the pants from the forum to make sure my head stays where it belongs!

 

Don't play with married men. Period.

[MizFit]

Don't play with married men. Period.

 

In all reality the question is about questioning his actions so close after a DDay. That's what I'd like responses on please...this isn't a kicking match between OW/OM and BW/BH.

 

Excellent post Bent...all have been very interesting. Thanks

[fooled once]

A question here for any WS...you go through a DDay, promise your BS NC with the AP...then break the promise?

 

This is what's confusing me...my xMM is breaking his promise of NC to his W. It's limited, but it's happening...there are 2 reasons why the A won't continue-the important one being me and the other being the impossibility of logistics and communication if I did choose to.

 

DDay was just over a month ago and as promised he fought tooth and nail to stay home...why risk it?

 

Take the temp of the AP with the intent to resume...ego massage...love? The first explained above, the second maybe if messages were geared that way, the third he walked away from once...so why risk everything for what you walked away from?

 

I'll be perfectly honest my head is all over (my friend tells me I overanalyze and think too much-she is soooo right)...I won't go back into the A, but I'm struggling to keep NC. I just don't understand why he would fight so hard to save something and then so quickly turn his back on it again.

 

It could well be I'm just searching for answers that will never surface. Every story is different and we'll never be involved enough again for me to find out...maybe I just need a kick in the pants from the forum to make sure my head stays where it belongs!

 

PLEASE do not break NC.

 

You are a conquest to him. He wants to see if he can still get to you. He smoothed things over at home and now he is restless again. His poor W.

 

Stay strong. He is never going to leave the M so don't get yourself wrapped up in all that again.

 

And I agree with your friend LOL - you are overanalyzing!!!

[RedDevil66]

Because he's a selfish, selfish man who cares only about what he wants when he wants it?

 

Because now that things have settled down at home, he misses the validation he got from you and is seeking another jolt or two to make himself feel better?

 

Because he's so self-centered he doesn't consider or give a damn that he hurts you and sends your head spinning each time he contacts you, even though he dropped you right after dday?

 

It's any number of reasons, but they all boil down to him being an ass and being focused only on HIM HIM HIM. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking he's pining for you...he is, but only as far as his ego is concerned. People who cheat are selfish and feel entitled - start there and you will find that explains pretty much everything they do.

 

 

ditto x 10