Denamarie Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hey to anyone reading, I don't even know where to begin really. And this is super long.... my parents have had problems for such a long time. Up to this point my mom has been pretty immature and has done a lot of things that have really hurt our family. She cheated on my dad for years. The last time was when I was 15, this was also the last time. I think I remember it the most because it really was the point in time when she had planned to leave my dad and things were so ugly and deceitful. ugh! so awful. Fast forward 10 years later I am now 25 and my parents stayed together. I have to tell you that I was relieved, but mad that my dad had convinced her that they should stay together. I thought it was pathetic, but realized later that he stayed with her because of us and because without his family he wasn't sure what would happen. The last 4 months my dad has been acting totally weird and my mom had been accusing him of cheating and honestly I had considered it too. but he confirmed with me that he wasn't and I believe him because him and I are really close and I have always sympathized and supported my dad throughout my whole life really. Him and my mom have been fighting like crazy my mom breaking into sobbing arguments with my dad about all kinds of things and my dad bringing up the past and just telling her how selfish she is and that he hates being played the fool and that she needs to stop accusing him of cheating because he works a lot of hours to recover money that she overspends....ok all this I understand and he has said the same to me when he calls to complain to me about her and ask what i think. So tonight they had an argument and I happened to be home and I heard her say "so who is she? are you in love with her?" and I couldn't help but listen in. And then he starts saying how this girl is a nice person and she keeps questioning about what he has done with her. It turns out my dad does have a motive about why he wants to leave my mom. I am weirded out about it. I can't even look at him right now. I mean it was bad enough when my mom cheated on him, but why couldn't he leave her without it involving another woman? he is just jumping from one relationship to another. And why did he lie about it to me? I mean there is probably encouragement from this lady who likes him, but he has the support of so many friends and family before it just makes me sick. I am just venting by the way. I honestly don't think there is any advice I can take on this since I don't actually plan on doing anything about it. I am just so frustrated that couples have to cheat on eachother. I don't know if people really understand how it affects those who know you- friends, kids, parents....My younger brother and I grew up in such a broken home and the affairs my mom had really did affect my younger brother and I a lot. It was embarrassing to have people in my town and within our family know what was going on or had seen her with so and so. So anyways I am figuring out how to cope with this new found info about my dad. I asked my brother what he thought about it and I think he just so fed up with the arguing since he lives at home and can't take it anymore. He is not sure how he feels about it since he is so focused on the fact that there are screaming sob fests going on in the house all the time. Somtimes starting at like 6 in the morning and sometimes going until about midnight.
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hey, Denamarie... First of all, that all sucks. I do agree with you on that. And I understand how much it must hurt to see your parents doing this to each other. I kinda wish your dad hadn't been turning to you to complain about your mom and ask what you thought. Kids should be kids, and not confidants of their own parents about issues in the marriage. I believe parents should strive to keep some insulation between issues in the marriage and the kids - not that absolutely everything needs to be hidden or kept secret, but it up to the parents to make sure that their issues don't become an emotional burden to their kids. And unfortunately for you, your parents haven't done a great job of that. How old is your brother? It sounds like he is stuck in an unfortunate environment there. Is he physically safe - in other words, is there any chance of violence? I hope not. But then, is he emotionally safe - that's the next question. It always upsets me when parents can't at least keep their issues from raining down on their kids. So I don't know what to tell you either - other than that I hear you, and venting is probably a good thing to do here.
Ronni_W Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hugs, Denamarie. As Trimmer says, it is a very difficult situation for all involved. I'm going to take a guess as to why you Dad didn't tell you the truth about his friendship/affair with the other woman: Because he does not want to diminish himself in your eyes. It's a guess. I suspect that he greatly values your admiration, respect and support, and that he is terribly afraid of losing it. If he (or your mom) asks for your thoughts in the future, you might consider giving a more general/neutral, "I love both you and mom, and I think you both deserve to be happy and at peace. I would support any decision either of you makes, towards that end." (If that is your own truth, of course.) And you could tell your brother a similar thing. You could also ask your parents to stop involving you in their relationship issues, and suggest individual or marriage counseling. Have you considered finding an unbiased third party to help you deal with your own feelings and the internal conflicts that are a normal part of this type of situation? A pastor or therapist, perhaps? (And/or perhaps to suggest it to your brother?) Again, hugs...and best wishes for the best possible outcomes.
Author Denamarie Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 My brother is 21 so he's not a baby(but always seen as a baby in my eyes ) I think he is the most vulnerable right now since he was more protected when we were little and now it's like a wave of information on him. And he is safe, when I was younger the cops came to our house a couple times, but I think the situation is different now. I mean it's still painful, but it's not like it was before. If anything I would be more concerned about the emotional stress of it on my parents. I am praying they both seek therapy or some sort of guidance. Unfortunately, there is not a third party involved. I am not even sure who could be a third party without taking sides. My parents grew up in the town (county) I am living in and my dad is a well loved person here. I don't think I could find a third party who would not side with my dad. They have tried counseling before, but my mom is not an honest person. And counseling really doesn't work if both parties aren't willing to be honest. I have started setting boundaries recently with my dad and it worked for a while, but I think he continues because we went through past situations together and there is an emotional connection about it. It reminds me of someone who has fought in the war- talking people's ear off about his war stories, but always getting the most emotional satisfaction talking to another person who has been through war- there is an understanding that no one else could really feel. I talked with a good friend about it today since I know she really understands the stress I am going through today (she still is in a rocky situation with one of her parents who is marrying someone from another culture over 20 years younger). She encouraged me to move a little closer to work (which is in LA county). plus, I will have a good week away from family at the end of December. I am flying to NY to spend time with a church friend. I think I need to pull myself away in some way because I almost feel like I am so exhausted and numb from everything that I can't even be sympathetic or put into order what is going on right now.
Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I think I need to pull myself away in some way because I almost feel like I am so exhausted and numb from everything that I can't even be sympathetic or put into order what is going on right now. You are 25 yrs old and should have your attention on living your own life. Unfortunately your parents cannot support you in that goal right now, because they are so distracted with their own problems. But what is about to happen is two years of anguish for your parents (of varying levels of intensity over those two years). If you stay close to the situation - you are going to get an earful from both sides. In the end - they won't realize the sacrifice of all your time. I remember when my uncle got a divorce he would phone everybody and talk for two hours each call (and that was before call-display). Your mid-twenties are such important years for learning about yourself and relationships etc. Don't rob yourself of your own life, just because your parents are living their own crisis-filled drama. Doesn't mean you don't love them. You just don't need to have a front-row seat while they rebuild their lives. If you were a friend, it might be a different story - you could be there for one or either of them. But you are their child. They want you to move forward with your life as painlessly as possible - they are just too distracted with their own problems right now.
Trimmer Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 (edited) I have started setting boundaries recently with my dad and it worked for a while, but I think he continues because we went through past situations together and there is an emotional connection about it. It reminds me of someone who has fought in the war- talking people's ear off about his war stories, but always getting the most emotional satisfaction talking to another person who has been through war- there is an understanding that no one else could really feel. Ugh. Please don't hear this in any way as a dig at you, but I really don't like that he has relied upon you, his own child, for an emotional connection around issues of his relationship with your mother. You haven't "been through it", except to the degree that he dragged you "through it," when his role as a parent should have been to protect you from it for the sake of your own relationships with both parents. I just think that's twisted and inappropriate for a parent to do. (1) it compromises the nature of the father/daughter relationship between the two of you, and (2) it compromises your relationship with your mother, by inducing you to throw your emotional loyalty over to your father. I think I need to pull myself away in some way because I almost feel like I am so exhausted and numb from everything that I can't even be sympathetic or put into order what is going on right now. I think your trying to enforce boundaries is wise - that should have been a parent's job: to create sensible boundaries to try to keep the emotional burden of their problems off you - but you may have to do it yourself to protect your own emotional well-being. Your feeling that you need to pull away sounds like a protective instinct. Not that a feeling of withdrawl is always a healthy one in all kinds of relationships, but in this case, I just really feel like this is something that the parents should not have burdened you with. P.S. my opinions here may be significantly colored by my disdain for parents who refuse to recognize the importance of working to keep the pathologies of their own relationships from burdening their children. I feel so angry when I hear of parents using their children as pawns, as leverage, jockeying to win children's loyalties, and even relying on their children for emotional support, as in your case here... Edited December 13, 2009 by Trimmer
ssj4trunks09 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 My mom cheated on my dad.. it's hard living that life.. they divorced in 06. It sucks.. it really does and honestly there isn't anything you can do. You can stop the fighting now, but what makes you think it's going to stop later? or something else will happen? My opinion, it's best if they get a divorce and end it all. They're just not happy together anymore, I know it may be hard to hear but now that you're dad is cheating on your mom it shows something is going wrong in the relationship. I don't support cheating since my mom did it to my dad, I despise it and I hate it when people accuse me of it. I think all you can do is just endure all the fighting till they finally settle on a divorce.. in my experience that's all me and my brother COULD do. Many families experience a divorce, and let me tell you. Your life will change, atleast it did for me. It made me more independent and stronger and it made me see the world in different ways. Not all relationships are perfect. Then again, this is just from my experience.
Author Denamarie Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 Ugh. Please don't hear this in any way as a dig at you, but I really don't like that he has relied upon you, his own child, for an emotional connection around issues of his relationship with your mother. You haven't "been through it", except to the degree that he dragged you "through it," when his role as a parent should have been to protect you from it for the sake of your own relationships with both parents. I just think that's twisted and inappropriate for a parent to do. (1) it compromises the nature of the father/daughter relationship between the two of you, and (2) it compromises your relationship with your mother, by inducing you to throw your emotional loyalty over to your father. I think your trying to enforce boundaries is wise - that should have been a parent's job: to create sensible boundaries to try to keep the emotional burden of their problems off you - but you may have to do it yourself to protect your own emotional well-being. Your feeling that you need to pull away sounds like a protective instinct. Not that a feeling of withdrawl is always a healthy one in all kinds of relationships, but in this case, I just really feel like this is something that the parents should not have burdened you with. P.S. my opinions here may be significantly colored by my disdain for parents who refuse to recognize the importance of working to keep the pathologies of their own relationships from burdening their children. I feel so angry when I hear of parents using their children as pawns, as leverage, jockeying to win children's loyalties, and even relying on their children for emotional support, as in your case here... Ya I understand what you are saying. I only know of one person who has done well at keeping their kids out of their mess. Unfortunately, it's very common for parents to try to drag their kids into marital issues. In fact, it just happened today again. My mom called up my younger brother and was discreetly trying to play victim. telling him that my dad was an angry person and that he (my brother) is welcome to remain staying at the house- she is just talking about the unknown (she may not even be staying there).... I felt this conversation was inappropriate. I told my brother to not answer the phone anymore when she calls until this has been settled. I am just glad that now I am 25 because it was really bad at a younger age. I hate hearing about adults dragging their kids into things as well. I was accused of taking sides and being pulled around by my parents. I remember if I was having a good day and smiling they would get really mad at me. there was a lot of emotional issues that came with this, that I wont go into detail- it's on a needs to know basis. Anyways, I think everything will be fine. I am moving out to LA in January -which is not far from my home town at all but further -and I fly to NY to check out NYU (anyone go there? ) my younger brother will probably end up staying with my aunt. ssj4trunks09- I hate when I get accused of cheating also. I have no mercy on people who have committed adultery or who are even considering. - I don't even like to be compared to my mom.
health Posted December 29, 2009 Posted December 29, 2009 You guys have mom's who cheated on your dads and say you will never cheat. Please - actually never, never cheat! Be a transition person! My ex - her mom cheated on her dad several times. She said she would never do it. Sometimes I was scared she would. I had faith she wouldn't. In the end. She emotonally cheated. I left her and she hooked up with the guy. Not saying you would. Sometimes I'm scared people tend to be like their parents if they don't try to be different. Sorry. Don't cheat. Emotionally or otherwise.
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