mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 im looking for opinions from both sides here. BS & OW after my A ended i sought the support of my close friends. One of which after I confided in her, disclosed to me that her H had an affair over 2 years ago. I had no clue. I knew they had a "rough patch" but never knew that this is the reason why. It was awkard talking to her about my affair, i felt guilt towards her as she talked about her H's affair. But through this we've only grown closer. Shes given me tons of insight and hopefully I've done the same for her. They have reconciled. She seems at peace with it. They are happy, in love, better than before his affair. I'm amazed at her strength and courage. Tonight she called me in tears. Asked to come over. We sat over a glass of wine and she showed me a text on her phone. It was the OW. Things ended over two years ago and tonight she gets a text. it says "there are so many things ive wanted to tell you, i would like you to know the truth because you dont know the real truth." she said she texted her back, asked if she was still in contact with her H. the girl replied that she had not talked to him in years. So what do you make of this? I really didnt know what to say. She asked me why an OW would do this. Knowing my own situation I'd have to say that the girl has no good intentions of this. i really didnt know what to say to her. should she talk to the girl? and why after all this time would this girl send her this text? BS -wondering what any of you would do in this situation. OW - wonering what you would be looking to gain from this. thnks!
threebyfate Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Since the affair's no secret and the couple have "recovered", what exactly would your friend and the OW, have to gain, to talk to each other? I think that question speaks for itself.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Regardless of the motive this obviously opened old wounds. Its ridiculous to me that she was innocent in all this but still has to be hurt by what the H and OW did. i had the same sort of thoughts when she showed me the text. i dont think anything good can come of them talking.
2sunny Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 i think she should talk to her and keep an open mind. mainly because her comment COULD be misleading. just because they haven't "talked" in years doesn't mean they haven't had other forms of communication through the years. is it possible? yes. if she states things that were in the distant past - she may want to discuss them and work through them with her H. if it's something more recent that seems concerning... well then they have some more serious things to consider. fact is - it's not a bad idea to find out what this gal wants to offer as her own perspective... taken with an open mind. to be left wondering in the future would just seem too daunting.
norajane Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 (edited) Things ended over two years ago and tonight she gets a text. it says "there are so many things ive wanted to tell you, i would like you to know the truth because you dont know the real truth." she said she texted her back, asked if she was still in contact with her H. the girl replied that she had not talked to him in years.How did the affair end? Did H kick the OW under the bus, or was he more respectful about ending it? That can play a part in whether OW feels she has closure or not, and whether she wants to get back at him by "revealing" the truth. OW maybe thinks H minimized the affair as much as possible so as to save his own ass. Or maybe she wants to clear her conscience. Who knows? Your friend should be talking to her H about this text. HE is the one who knows the OW and will have better insight. Maybe he hasn't told everything. Maybe he has. Your friend should ask her H if he's kept in contact with her, and why OW thinks she doesn't know the "real truth". If she's uncertain that H will tell her the truth, then she should talk to the OW. And she should tell her H she's planning to talk to the OW, so he'd be better off telling her everything before OW does. Edited December 12, 2009 by norajane
Spark1111 Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I and the OW made contact two years after DDay. She told me I had no idea how she had been lied to repeatedly, daily, by my WS. But I already knew that from him. She may be looking for closure, and I would be fine with that, as long as I was assured HE had already told me everything. No surprises. No dropped bombs. If she returns the call, I would ask him point blank: Is there anything I do NOT know?And he had better tell her, before the OW does.
Fallen Angel Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 As an OW I have no clue what the motivation for doing something like that is. By her saying that she hasn't spoken to the MM in years, I am wondering if she is still holding a torch for him. But one of my first thoughts was perhaps there has been contact between them, and she wants to out the MM in order to get the D-day ball rolling, hoping to force a decision again from the MM. I just know that after our D-day My MM never broke contact with me, and our affair has continued on without a change due to D-day, despite what his W may think. (Though in our case she has proof of it every month when the phone bill comes in, and just chooses to ignore it) Maybe it would be wise to have a chat with the OW, perhaps with you at her side for comfort and support, and just see what it is she has to say. There may be more going on currently than your friend is aware of. If not, then it is all water under the bridge that she has already forgiven her H for, and she needs to go into the meeting with that in her head... "I have already forgiven all his past transgressions and will not allow this to undo the healing we have accomplished in our marriage"
stampdaddy Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 I agree with the other who have said: The OW has felt SO minimized and probably just had a "moment", maybe a glass of wine too many, maybe something reminded her of them (Christmas?) and she stupidly sent the text, which I bet to High Heaven that she regrets, especially since this is the first time in 2 years that she has done such a thing, and I would also bet this would be the last.. I would also bet the the OP's friend knows all that she "needs" to know, especially since they have spent the last 2 years rebuilding their marriage back to a place that is even better than before. So why go any further with this? I mean really, "what" else does she need to know, UNLESS there is a little 2 year old baby crawling around that she/he doesnt know about? let it go, and tell your friend that the OW's "moment" doesnt need additional moments to follow, it will die, probably already has
hopeless4u Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 As the OW and now the xOW(my choice not his) I have thought many times how I'd love to tell her, not sure I'd wait 2yrs though! She must know that txting the W isn't going to make the H want her so I don't think its to get him back but maybe to stir things up. I have had thoughts (usually when drunk) of how even at the risk of loosing my xMM I'd get my side of the story out there, never acted on them because I love him but I'm sure some women do.
PhoenixRise Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 MBEG This is your friend so you know her...if she doesn't talk to the OW will this text message plant a seed of doubt in her? Will she be able to let it go completely or will there always be an unanswered question in her mind now? If so I think she should face her and have a chat...just long enough to find out if she has something crucial to say (like the existence of a secret love child) or if she just wants to tell her side of the story ( he said he loved me..was leaving you...etc)- your friend can chose to listen to this or not. If your friend CAN let it go completely then perhaps that would be the best thing for her to do. In this case she should text OW back and say "my H and I would be glad to meet with you and hear anything you have to say. What time and place would be good for You?" If it is crucial info like a baby or std she will just cough it up and if it is just rehashing old affair business she will probably just go away and your friend will not have to deal with her again.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Well Phoenix, you brought up an interesting point. We are very close. Have been since college. There are actually 4 of us that are best of friends. We know each others deepest, darkest secrets. She didnt mention a word of this to any of us. She suffered in silence, only divulging the story in an attempt to help me work through my own situation. she truly is a strong, beautiful person. where im going with that, is that even though i know her well im not sure all of the details of their affair or how she dealt with it. i guess she only confided in me with the text since we've been on this topic recently. being that she talks about his affair with complete forgiveness, i think she would be able to handle whatever the truth is. but just like the rest of you...my mind has wandered for her....to the worst: a child, an std, the affair is still going on. i think she should text her. and ive told her about this site. heres hoping she'll check it out.
Samantha0905 Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 If it were me, I don't think I would want to text her or talk to her two years later. What's the point? I do think it sounds like the OW was just having a moment. I'd just leave it alone and wait and see if she contacts again.
Gabriele Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Your friend should be talking to her H about this text. HE is the one who knows the OW and will have better insight. Maybe he hasn't told everything. Maybe he has. Your friend should ask her H if he's kept in contact with her, and why OW thinks she doesn't know the "real truth". If she's uncertain that H will tell her the truth, then she should talk to the OW. And she should tell her H she's planning to talk to the OW, so he'd be better off telling her everything before OW does. I agree with this......has she talked to the H???? Maybe all there 'healing' and now 'happiness' has been all based on half truths and his manipulation of the story? I think it is out there and she should find out what the hell the other side of the story is.... If OW contacted me like that...I would need to know what it was about
turnstone Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 The OW has no place in your friend's life whatsoever. If an OW had contacted me so long after reconciling, I would be considering slapping a restraining order on her for harassment. Having said that, if I had reconciled, I would have made sure the OW no longer had any means of contacting my H or myself, I wonder why your friend has left that door open.
freestyle Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 I agree with this......has she talked to the H???? Maybe all there 'healing' and now 'happiness' has been all based on half truths and his manipulation of the story? I think it is out there and she should find out what the hell the other side of the story is.... If OW contacted me like that...I would need to know what it was about I see your point here, but questions remain: Is OW going to be a reliable source of information? Does she really have the BW's best interests at heart?(past history says no) Is OW just doing this to 'rock the boat'....hoping to 'sink the ship'? I guess it is possible that the OW is remorseful, and trying to clear her conscience, but myself, I'd be veeery skeptical about any information coming from the same individual who tried to break my M in the first place.
stuckinoz Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 Maybe this particular OW got her advice from here? Could that be? Seems many in LoveShack think it's the thing to do to tell the other woman/man - what their spouses are up to. My thoughts - 2 years is a very long time & YES, your friend needs to mention this to her husband & get to the bottom of what's going on. And not freak out along the way until she has answers from HIM. OW...Wrong to contact the husbands wife. (& visa versa) Just my opinion.
NoIDidn't Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 I think its wrong for her to have contacted your friend after so much time. But I think the friend should either ignore the contact and never mention it to her H, OR call the OW back and only mention it to her H AFTER she's spoken to the OW. The OW sent her a text message? How did she get her cellphone number to begin with? I think this affair just went further underground. It happens. Either that, or the OW found out about him seeing a new OW. That happens a lot more often the BW knowing what is going on in her own marriage (everyone else knowing all about the WH exploits and the Wife "being the last to know").
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