kboykb Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Hola - I've got quite a situation on my hands here. I'll at least come out and say that I'm the bad guy and what's going on is mainly my fault. I just need some advice. I got a fling pregnant. Simple as that. She lives 4 hours away from me. I've known her for a while, but she has a very tiresome personality. The type that calls 3 or 4 times over and over and repeatedly texts if you don't respond to their first text. I guess she's what you'd call an extreme "bug a boo". An example: At work I couldn't use my phone for 30 mins. When I came back I had 4 texts ranging from "are you there?" ... "did you hear me" ... and "are you mad at me?" We ended up having sex because I thought that's all she wanted from me. In reality she was using the sex to get closer to me. Thinking with the wrong head. *Sigh* Come to find out she REALLY likes me! I have no idea what I did to this girl to make her become so into me, but she really is. Before she got pregnant there was a time where her 10 calls a day really took a toll on me. So I just stopped responding to her. She kept calling / texting for a few weeks but eventually she got the message. I thought. 4 months later I got a random text from her pretending to be someone else. Eventually I figured out it was her, and sadly I let her back into my life. She caught me in a horny time, so we slept together. Condom stayed intact - Preggo. She had it aborted. I told her I would be there for her, and I meant it - So when she got pregnant that 20 minutes that I usually talked to her turned into 2-3 hours daily not including texts. Kind of awkward. Therein lies the problem actually. She wants to become an integral part of my life. Yes, I got her pregnant, but it's pretty crazy how much she contacts me. The texts wake me up at 5 am when she's going to work, and goes throughout the day till she tries to go to sleep at night. Then of course she calls a few times throughout the day, and then we'll have a longer convo after I get off at night. It's so hard doing this to someone that you barely know. I can't even say for sure if I've ever wanted to know her. It's karma telling me something. Basically I want advice on how far my "being there" for her should go. Case in hand, she lives 4 hours away from me. I don't have much cash and I'm saving up for college fees and apt. fees next semester. I've gone down to see her 2 weekends in a row. Before the abortion, and 2 days after she had it done. I usually stay with her from 10 am and leave late that night. My account is low and I need to pay for a lot of things. She wants me to come down again this weekend. $100 everytime I go in gas +spenditures On top of that, when I go see her I think she's getting the wrong idea. I don't really know what to do around her. I let her know I'm there for her on a friend basis, and that we can't go any farther. She was very depressed, so I held her hand through the day and held her so she could fall asleep. She got the wrong impression because later we argued and she said "What kind of friends hold hands and cuddle?" - thinking that was what I really wanted to do. I told her I did it for consolation, and she got pretty upset. She also wanted me to give her a "goodbye kiss", and I had to say no. Again, she got very angry. She's *very* touchy feely on me, especially when her family is around. Finally, in a strange turn of events she has her very best friend upset at her. She's always saying she feels alone since I'm 4 hours away and that she's dealing with it on her own. She has a friend that she's known for years and has always had her back. She came over one weekend to spend some time with her. They spent the day together and once she told her friend the whole situation she asked her why she was even still talking to me. A guy who didn't even give u 30 minutes on the phone before you were pregnant. Honestly she was right. I'm the bad guy. The average person would be done with me. It was nothing more than a fling, so I didn't take the time to really get to know her very well. So what have I done to this girl in particular? In the end she told her friend "Thanks for the help, but I'd rather have him here instead". Needless to say choosing me got her friend very upset. She pretty much said "Fine, I'm done. Let him take care of you from now on" She will no longer respond to her calls. She says to me "We all make stupid decisions, why can't she just support me in mine" - acknowledging that she knows she should drop me, but won't. I guess it's just taking a toll on me because of the kind of person I am. I'm just not used to a person being in my life this much outside of the girl I love. Maybe it's my fault since I told her we could be friends at least - but it's almost like she wants to be my #1. Wanting Christmas gifts, wanting to meet my parents and talk to them on the phone, and even offering to pay for my gas because she wants me to come down for her birthday party in 2 weeks. ??? You don't do stuff like that just for a "friend". My days are starting to dredge together, 24/7 filled with her. I woke up angry for no reason this morning to a text from her. I went to bed at 4 am and she woke me up at 5:45 - I wasn't happy. That bad start lingered around me throughout the day and finally when she talked to me she said I just seemed off. The truth came out whether I wanted to or not. I wasn't mean, but I just told her it's really hard adjusting to talking to someone from dusk till dawn every single day when normally I don't and can go days without talking to people. Her best friend isn't talking to her anymore, and when I told her that she just started repeating "I'm alone .. I'm alone .. I'm alone...". Other people say don't feed into her obsessive behavior, and that I'm the wrong person that should be trying to help her. They may be right, but I do feel responsible for the situation though and I'm not just trying to hightail it outta there. The sad thing is today she was actually considering seeing a counselor, which I've been pushing her to do for a while. When I told her that the all day talk sessions were bothering me she became depressed and went back in her shell.
norajane Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Yeah, sorry, my cold dead heart just doesn't have a whole lot of sympathy for this girl's behavior. She's manipulating you through your guilt over the pregnancy/abortion. She wants to turn you into her boyfriend. In her mind, you should be her boyfriend and she looks to anything that you do for signs of "boyfriend behavior" and then calls you on it if you claim to just be friends. The only reason you are there is because of your guilt, but you are prolonging whatever she's going through by being there. She can't get past it because she wants you and is just going to try harder and harder to get you. And don't be so sure she likes you soooo very much - you are just the guy she's fixated on. She thinks she likes you, but she doesn't know you at all. Are you certain she was ever pregnant? Are you certain you were the father? Enough. It is not your responsibility to fix her. She needs to take some responsibility for working on her issues. If she needs help, she needs to get it from someone who can actually help her, not someone she is trying desperately to turn into a boyfriend against his will. Stop visiting her. Stop with the marathon phone calls. She'll go back to her best friend, they'll agree you're a jerk and stick pins in voodoo dolls of you, and she will move on to the next stage which she needs to move on to - forgetting about you and dealing with her own life. Right now, everything you do for her keeps her thinking she's got a chance with you and that's hindering her ability to face reality. It's time to force her to face reality and her real life, not her imaginary boyfriend.
Author kboykb Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Yeah, I agree with you Nora. I'm trying to care for her through my guilt but I'm not sure if it's making the situation better or worse. Everything you said about her pretty much sums it up. Plus two other people have given me the same response, that I'm not really helping the situation and it should be more up to her. I'm going to get her to talk to her best friend again. Thanks
TheLoneSock Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Honestly bro, she may have aborted it, but you need to watch out for her, and stop giving into her sexually. Because make no mistake, the only reason you still give her the time of day is because of the availability of sex. Find it elsewhere because not only are you being an ******* and using her, but you're letting her manipulate and use you. Grow up, really. Not trying to be insulting to you, but women like that are DREAM KILLERS. Unless you are completely nutso over this girl, you should not be having this kind of thing with her until all your goals, your school, your career in full swing, everything has happened. Just a word of extreme caution.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 This calls for a clean break. You are doing more harm by 'being there' for her than you are by walking away. You may have been partly responsible for the pregnancy, but now that the pregnancy is over you can't be expected to keep 'paying' for it. Get away now while you can.
Author kboykb Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 I get what you're saying Lone. I don't want to have sex with her though, just getting her through it since she is so emotional. But the general consensus is pretty much "get away", and that I'm doing more harm than good, so I think that's what I'm going to do. I'll have to listen to her break down and cry and everything, but I think that's the plan for the day.
allina Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Good luck kboykb. It seems like you were trying to do the right thing by supporting her after the abortion, and being there for her during a hard time. I think you actually did the right thing and acted like a stand up guy. The problem is that she's in denial about the lack of a future with you. I agree with others, you need to stay away from her. Tell her that you care for her as a person and wish her the very best but that the situation has become very unstable. She needs to understand that there will be no romantic relationship between you two, something she doesn't seem to be grasping
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