confusedandlost Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 My relationship began when I was 16 years old. We were attracted to each other and began 'dating.' My family was against me dating him since he is 7 years older than I am, so I went behind their backs and saw him anyway. We constantly talked about our futures together and the things we wanted in life. We counted down till the day I turned 18 so I can move out and we could get an apartment together. The day came and I turned 18, i packed up my belongings and left my house with my family upset with me. I had intentions on going away to college, with acception letters from several universities that I always dreamed of going to. Then the day came and I found out I was pregnant. I can't blame him for this happening because it was something we both wanted, but I just wish we waited. I wish he wouldv'e supported me in going away to college since he knew this was my dream! I feel like he wanted me to get pregnant so I wouldn't leave him to go away to school. (This has always been a source of anger in my eyes) Let me just stop and say a little about him. Despite the fact that he was 7 years older than I was, he was/is MUCH more immature than me. He lived in his parents home until he was 23, he was very irresponsible regarding responsibilities and finances. His parents did him an injustice by allowing him to rely on them for support instead of kicking him out into the real world so he could grow up and learn how to be mature, resposible and manage his finances better. From day 1, I have always been the person who has taken care of him. Ok I will go on.... We got engaged 7 years ago...but still aren't married. The only way that we were going to get married is if I planned that as well. And since I had enough going on considering I was a fulltime student, worked fulltime AND had a baby, I never had the time to make it happen....since he wasn't going to make it happen either! (Lack of iniative!) We had our baby, lived in our own little apartment, and I was trying to mend my relationship with my family. Fortunately they have come to accept him and actually love him, kinda funny how the tables turn. He supported me while I finished school, which I am appreciative of. We moved out of our apartment and into his families building...BIG mistake! The plan was to live there for 3 years and start looking for our our house. We still have our own apartment but it's just not the same. It's not ours anymore, it's his families. He always relies on them for everything. His parents live in the same building and he often sends our children down to them so he could have time to get things done on his own...this bothers me!! THey are OUR kids and I always manage to get things done while balancing having the kids at home with me. So we have been together almost 8 years now and I feel that we both evolved into different people considering we had a lot of growing up to do. I am still the mature one in the relationship, I take care of everything! Bills, housework, kids activities, everything! It bothers me that he is the man of the household and I have to take care of him! I am the one who worries about everything! He is STILL very immature, irresponsible and doesn't take iniative to do anything in life....he just lives...day by day....well that's not how I work! I want things in life, I want to go places, do things, be successful, be happy, and more importantly be loved and appreciated. After we recently had our second child things got really bad. I basically feel like I am on my own in everything I do! I went to 90% of the prenatal appointments by MYSELF because he never took the iniative to make sure he went with. I am pretty much fed up! I am sick of being in this relationship. I want someone who is going to love, appreciate, respect, and most importantly be there for me. Whether it's going to a doctors appointment or being there with me when I have to pay bills just so we can do it together...share the responsibility! He has also been out of work for the past year. He was working with his father but then got laid off. (Yet another example of how his parents spoon feed him everything. They need to let him experience growing up and being on his own. Everyone else in this world goes out there to find a job, so should he!) So finances got pretty tough and that was once again something I had to figure out! He was getting unemplyment but he was spending MOST of that money on TOOLS! I forgot to mention that his dream is to be a carpenter...but he doesn't do much to make that happen either (another example of no iniative) He owns enough of tools to build a house! So I had to work up until I was ready to give birth. While he continued buying tools I stressed about how we would get our bills paid! I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I don't feel appreciated, I don't feel loved, I don't feel like he gives a damn about stepping up to the plate. I have had countless arguments with him about this and he might change for a week or so but then something comes up and he goes back to his old ways. There are so many issues with us right now, I just don't have the desire to fix all of them and make this work. What's the sense? He isn't putting in the effort so why should I anymore? The ONLY thing that is keeping us together right now are our kids! 1. We STILL aren't married after 8 years! 2. He lacks the drive to do anything in life! 3. Immature 4. Doesn't show me love or appreciation 5. We live in his families building... 6. We don't have our own house yet like we planned and he isn't doing anything to make that happen. 7. I don't think we are the same people anymore. I want so much out of life and I am 110% willing to put in the effort to make things happen and he isn't! 8. He is financially irresponsible 9. I am not attracted to him anymore 10. We have grown apart. I don't know what to do anymore. All I want is to be happy. To have the things I dream about..marriage, house, love, appreciation, laughter. I am so stressed out most of the time, I don't think this relationship is worth me dying at a young age from stress! Marriage counseling has gone through my head, but I just lack the desire to go. I'm done here in this relationship, ALOT would have to change in order to make things right again and I just don't see that happening. I'm in a tough spot because we have children together. I would never do anything to hurt them. But at the same time, they have a mom who is always stressed and unhappy. So which is worse? Face the consequences of us separating or have a mom who is happy again? Please help, give your insights, suggestions. Am I just being picky about the person he is?
Author confusedandlost Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 Affair...ha! Actually been there done that! Actually I learned a lot from it including what a healthy relationship feels like to be in. Where 2 people care about each other, I know it sounds wrong bc it was an affair but the truth is the truth! Thank you for ur insight, I have never written how I feel down like that before but putting it in words and reading others thoughts helps a lot thank you. This may sound silly but I think this forum may give me the courage to put my big girl pants on! Well..they're already on but they're hiding under my superwoman costume. He's a wonderful father and I will never take his kids away from him. Its just hard for me to accept that my kids won't have parents who are together and in love..bc I didn't have that growing up and that s one of the things I always dreamed of for my children.
El Ben Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Affair...ha! Actually been there done that! Actually I learned a lot from it including what a healthy relationship feels like to be in. Where 2 people care about each other Oh dear. **Waits for the backlash**
curiou Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Oh dear. **Waits for the backlash** ha ha. no kidding!
RedDevil66 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 With all due respect, you seem terribly immature yourself. My advice, focus on your shortcomings and focus on what YOU Can do to make the relationship better. Cheating is the ultimate in emotional immaturity. I'm sure he has his list of things you doesn't not like about you.
Aksion Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 "Even though it might hurt me, another lesson learned, some fights ain't fight worthy." I'm not going to say anything on your situation, as I'm really in no place to be giving advice to anyone. Just felt that quote fits the bill of many of us, you inparticular right now.
LisaUk Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Novel idea here, but have you spoken to him about how you feel at all? Or just run off with someone else? I have to agree with Reddevil. If you aren't happy, running away will fix nothing, you will carry all the inablities to resolve conflict into your next relationship is all. As for your kids being happier with a happier mum, well, don't even get me started on your need for self justification on that one. You said it yourself, you have come here to find validation for your choice to leave, some here may give that, mainly the ones who have walked. If you truely want help to address the issues in your marriage and yourself then you have come to the right place, if not then I guess your fiance is in for a world of pain, like so many of us here. You have children with this man, you loved him once and it is possible to love him again. Using the excuse of being young when you got together and growing apart just doesn't cut it. At the end of the day there are plenty of people who marry young and stay married 50, 60 years. The reason and the point is this, no relationship is easy, if it were, just like anything in life, it would not be worth having. ALL relationships take work, ALL of them (and no I am not including an affair in that, b/c it's not a "real "relationship, out in the hard light of day, it's an escape). If you have worked on your relationship and nothing has changed or he won't try, to leave then is one thing, but to abandon it without trying is quite another. That's my opioin for what it's worth, I know it's harsh, but sometimes there is only one way to say it, I'm sorry if my words hurt.
Recommended Posts