caz83 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 I've been talking to a guy from an online site for about a month and a half now (I didnt think it was that long, but has shocked me to realise it is!) and we still havent met. We have been emailing and texting alot and had long phone conversations but no meeting. Im not concerned as to why we havent met because it has been for various reasons on boths sides. What's worrying me is that because we have been talking for such a long time, I'm worried that if we meet and there isn't any chemisty it will be SUCH a let down! Im trying not to get my expectations up, but although I have talked to other guys online he is the first one I have wanted to meet...so cant help getting a little excited. He has been doing the online thing for a while and said that he has met up with 4 or 5 girls and each time he thought that he would like them after chatting but then there was no attraction in person so was quite dissappointing. So he is being quite realistic about it and says although he really likes my personality he still wont get any expectations until we actually meet in person. We have both said how we didnt want to chat for this long before meeting...but circumsatnces mean that this is the way it has happened, and we talked about how disappointing it would be if there was no chemistry...but admitted that we are prepared for that possibility. Do you think because we have been talking for so long there may be more of a chance of the attraction being there in person than if we had been only talking for a short amount of time, because we know eachother better. Or does that not really matter? Im so nervous about actually meeting now because I really want the chemistry to be there. Even though Im trying to be realistic, I know I will be so disappointed if there is nothing there. And him saying that he has met other people before who he was sure he would like but didnt has worried me too incase it means that he is very fussy!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 12, 2009 Posted December 12, 2009 Wow, this is a great scenario, but your outlook seems to be upside down. The fact that you have been interacting for so long has afforded each of you great inroads into the conversation topics that will sail smoothly between you for hours. Contrast that with meeting some guy at a bar, him liking your chest, and you liking the way his jeans fit, and then having almost nothing to say to one another. To combat your nerves, attempt on both sides to bring the expectations of the other right to the minute detail of what he/she will actually see/encounter upon your real-life meeting. IF, for example, he will be wearing lime green pants and big, red clown shoes, then he should tell you exactly that, so your mind can adjust beforehand to what your eyes will see. If you in turn will have a Marge Simpson, 2-foot-tall hairdo, then you tell him that, so his mind will expect just what he encounters. I like that you have been interacting constantly, and the amount of time seems well within the range of 'ideal'. Err on the side of telling him many of your greatest insecurities, and then challenge yourself to walk in person right in front of the male mind which knows these personal details. It is going to be fine, and by the time meeting day arrives, you may well talk yourself out of the nervous feelings.
Author caz83 Posted December 13, 2009 Author Posted December 13, 2009 Thanks for that reply, has made me feel a bit better about it. I like the fact that we have been talking to each other for a while. We have sent each other extra photos etc so we really know what each other looks like, we have talked about what we like in a partner and what would really put us off someone and have had good, long phone conversations so if anything that all should really pave the way for a successfull first date. especially knowing what we like/dont like in a person...thats the stuff you normally wish you knew before a first date with someone!! If anything I not so nervous now, but just excited and I want to get it done!...but at the same time I'm trying not to get to excited incase there isnt that "chemistry" whatever that is. What worries me is that he says he has done it before and met up with girls that he was sure he would like from photos and talk, but when they met he wasnt attracted to them at atall so it didnt go anywhere. But he has also said that he hasnt talked to anyone for as long as we have and that he hopes there is attraction because he difinitly likes my personality. But I cant help thinking that there might not be. And obvoisly that chemistry/attraction is an important thing to him. Has anyone else met up with someone off the internet who they were sure they would like but didnt?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 13, 2009 Posted December 13, 2009 Geez, you are perhaps studying way too much. If you've already exchanged a multitude of photos, then it would be very difficult for things not to go smoothly upon first meeting (*** as long as both sides have been entirely authentic ---- which is most probably true, given the long amount of TIME you've each invested). My assessment is that YOU have prepared yourself fully and adequately for a splendid first meeting, and the variable that remains is HIM. That in the way that if you get there and sense him to be flaky or somebody whose vibe doesn't put you at ease immediately, then you reassess on the spot. At any rate, you do not return from such an encounter contemplating what was wrong with you, or what you "did wrong". Take any extra step possible to bring more and more comfort and familiarity to the environment upon that first, upcoming meeting. The rest will take care of itself. I remember the first-ever time I met someone from the 'net in real life... and how I had so expected to be nervous, but how my instinctive preparations somehow rendered me not nervous at all (except about the fact that I was seated in the very back row of the plane, with her waiting at the gate (pre-Sept. 11th)). If you have afforded him a complete sense/view of yourself, then I hope you, too, can arrive without being nervous. I think you'll know very quickly how things are going to go. Why cloud your observation with your own bundle of nerves when you need not do so? Good luck!
Author caz83 Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 ok...we are meeting tomorrow!! after much backwards and forwards texting we realised that we werent free on any of the same days this week and so would prob have to leave it another week...but I'm getting impatient now and told him that! So, it is my classes Christmas Show tomorrow evening (im a teacher) so I said that I would dash out when it finishes and we can go for a drink or something around 8ish..thats not too late I dont think. I would prefer an evening date anyway. So he just text and said, ok see you tomorrow then, whats your address? Does this mean he is expecting to pick me up? I dont want him to do that yet! should I just tell him that? I think it is because he is coming to my city (he lives a 40 min drive away) so he wouldnt know where to meet me if I said to meet in a bar...but still, I dont want him to pick me up from my house!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 15, 2009 Posted December 15, 2009 ok...we are meeting tomorrow!! after much backwards and forwards texting we realised that we werent free on any of the same days this week and so would prob have to leave it another week...but I'm getting impatient now and told him that! So, it is my classes Christmas Show tomorrow evening (im a teacher) so I said that I would dash out when it finishes and we can go for a drink or something around 8ish..thats not too late I dont think. I would prefer an evening date anyway. So he just text and said, ok see you tomorrow then, whats your address? Does this mean he is expecting to pick me up? I dont want him to do that yet! should I just tell him that? I think it is because he is coming to my city (he lives a 40 min drive away) so he wouldnt know where to meet me if I said to meet in a bar...but still, I dont want him to pick me up from my house! You hurry the heck up and get the ADDRESS to a bar... (and maybe even to a backup business near to that same bar, just in case)... so that HE can use Mapquest and have himself an ideal MAP to the bar and to the business. Then you can depend on him making it there... and you boldly arrive with all of those nerves beHIND you... and you plan on a comfortable, LATE, wonderful evening which will leave you EXTRA TIRED in the early morning (but so what...). I would NOT give him your address, just because common sense suggests not doing so. Though if things go well, the entire way through the encounter, you could evolve to bring him back there LOL - it happens...
Author caz83 Posted December 16, 2009 Author Posted December 16, 2009 just got home after the date! itwent well!..well I think so anyway. I was nervous at first which he found funny but quickly got ok. we stayed in the bar for about 2 hours chatting, there wasnt much awkward silence, if any at all, which I think is good for a first date. We left and he gave me a hug and said thanks for tonight, I enjoyed it, I'll text you in a bit. .....so what do I do now!? wait for him to text me? its my first time doing the internet thing...are we meant to let each other know what we think now? I'm thinking of sending him a light hearted text along the lines of "so whats the verdict?" or something...I dont know.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 I don't mind your first instinct there... "so what's the verdict?" You might even boldly confess that your verdict was positive. By the way, I love every bit of how the encounter went... the lack of deadly silence is what you were working for... and the two hour duration was important too... (and would have gone longer had you not been out so late). IF both were comfortable and content in the situation then all went well. (maybe you might opt instead for this bold offering: "Hi, I had a really great and comfortable time. Thanks for making it that way for me!" (if you bravely leave it open-faced like that, then HE knows all he needs to know in order to invite you for a 2nd round) (IF, however, you want to play a more active hand, and you have some sort of an event to which you might invite him, then by all means text/e-mail him that invitation instead) To the extent which you can describe here, I like the way the evening went, and I think you can be optimistic. Good luck!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 17, 2009 Posted December 17, 2009 just got home after the date!....so what do I do now!? wait for him to text me? Oh, and the answer to this one was: "... wait for him to get home"
Author caz83 Posted December 17, 2009 Author Posted December 17, 2009 thank for the advice! In the end I waited and he text me about 45 min later, so when he got home. We both said initially that although we like each others personalities we were worried that when we met there would be no attraction... so he text me and said "I enjoyed tonight, I hope you did too...and I did find you very attractive :)" so I'm very happy! I text him back and said I had a nice time and that I was attracted too. then we had a couple of jokey friendly texts back and forth before saying goodninght. No mention of a second date yet, but will wait and see. Do I wait for him to ask? and if so, how long? Im really happy that there was no awkward silence etc, I could of definitly stayed chatting for longer!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 18, 2009 Posted December 18, 2009 thank for the advice! In the end I waited and he text me about 45 min later, so when he got home. We both said initially that although we like each others personalities we were worried that when we met there would be no attraction... so he text me and said "I enjoyed tonight, I hope you did too...and I did find you very attractive :)" so I'm very happy! I text him back and said I had a nice time and that I was attracted too. then we had a couple of jokey friendly texts back and forth before saying goodninght. No mention of a second date yet, but will wait and see. Do I wait for him to ask? and if so, how long? Im really happy that there was no awkward silence etc, I could of definitly stayed chatting for longer! Wow, good show in being able to leave with the burner still on "warm". That is good advice that is offered a lot, but few can resist the urge to just lay it ALL out there to the point of exhaustion at first opportunity. NOW, I'd say, you pick up the "what is going on this weekend?" stuff in your local papers, both for his town and for your town, and you look for 'events'/'shows' that you would marginally take-in IF you had incentive to go to them, and IF there is something that really suits YOU, then invite him. Otherwise, you might evolve to await his contacting you. Do NOT do the dumb, girlish thing of just waiting for him to move, only for the sake of him moving first. Really look around at what's going on in your area... and perhaps opt for situations where you can take it in, and have plenty of time to talk and interact at the same time. So far your instinct and intuition have served you very well, so just keep believing in them.
Author caz83 Posted December 18, 2009 Author Posted December 18, 2009 The only thing that puts me off asking him to do something is that he has quite 'old fashioned' ideas and morals when it comes to relationships and he doesnt like girls that are too forward etc. He told me on the date that he never replied to any girls on the dating site that messaged him first because to him thats a bit to foward..he said that if I had messaged him first he wouldnt have responded. So i dont think me asking him out would go down too well! I suppose I should just be patient! I am guessing that he is interested..he text me last night and we had lots of texts back and forth and when he said goodnight he put and 'x' at the end which is the first time he has done that. I also asked "so last night, postive verdict in your opinion?" and he said "yeah, I wouldnt be texting if it wasnt". Which is very true, from what he has told me he doesnt waste his time, so if he wasnt interested he prob wouldnt have bothered contacting me again. ...but, he said he has met up with other girls off the site (i'm the 5th) and two of the he saw again for a second/third date...so obviously he thought he was interested in them too at some point. He doesnt give much away, so I'm trying to figure out if he is actually interested or if I'm any different to the other girls. although he did say that they were really nice girls and pretty but it was a shame because he just wasnt attracted to them. So I'm taking the text that he sent after our date saying "I did find you very attractive" as a good sign! I'll just wait now and see if he wants to see me again. I know he is busy all weekend (when we were trying to organise our first meet he told me that he isnt available at the weekend) so maybe thats why he hasnt suggested another date yet...will see after the weekend. Or is the fact that he hasnt asked yet a bad sign? what do you think..is he interested or not?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 I am most sure of the idea that there isn't enough data on either side for either of you to know that the other is a long-term keeper. Neither of you are showing negative or bad signs at all, it's just that more time together is needed (naturally). SO, with that in mind, I am more confident that you can 'sit back and wait' with high expectations. I would give a lot to sense how long he chatted with each of the other 4 girls before meeting them, because I really am content with the amount of time from first interaction to first meeting in your case. It is probably a sign of considerable immaturity in him that he would make or have a blanket statement/rule about not responding to anyone who messaged him first. That isn't just "old fashioned", it is a sign of stunted growth. However, now that you've met in person and had a positive shared experience that way, perhaps it is a lot more fair for you to initiate something. But I still don't endorse just observing that the international tiddly-winks finals are happening in a closet community 20 miles from each of you, and then inviting him to that, even though neither of you has any interest in it. At LEAST just look around at "upcoming events" in your shared vicinity for light-hearted things that you could visualize yourself enjoying with somebody male at your side. (it IS okay to dream a little - and it helps to pass the time while waiting for the phone call) You never know when your mere familiarity with what is going on locally just MIGHT end up helping you out a bit when on the phone and trying to schedule another date (even if he started the topic...).
aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 The only thing that puts me off asking him to do something is that he has quite 'old fashioned' ideas and morals when it comes to relationships and he doesnt like girls that are too forward etc. Well if he's so put off by girls being forward then you need to tell him that he needs to take some initiative if it bothers him that much. On a sidenote, my boyfriend is old fashioned in the general sense but he actually hates planning stuff in advance so he leaves it up to me to do it most of the time (or he'll just let me not say anything and then do things as we go which I actually hate). So yeah, if he's that against you being "forward" then you need to tell him to be more forthcoming about your plans together. Also in the meantime plan something for the weekend and if he comes around too late then tell him you'll just have to reschedule your date to a later date. He doesnt give much away, so I'm trying to figure out if he is actually interested or if I'm any different to the other girls. It's the beginning of your dating days with this guy. He should be dropping lots of hints in some way or another on whether or not your together. This is the stage where he's supposed to be working to get you to like him, not a time for you to be wondering where you stand. So I'm taking the text that he sent after our date saying "I did find you very attractive" as a good sign! What you need to do is just be upfront and ask him "so do you find me very attractive just physically or attractive as a WHOLE person?" There's a big difference between the two.
Author caz83 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 Sincereonlineguy: It wasn't so much a rule that he wouldnt reply to someone who messaged him first. It just came up in conversation as something that might put him off. I think. He hadnt chatted to the other girls for long before meeting. One was even with out a phone call. He said I am by far the longest he has talked before meeting. So yeah, I guess thats a good thing. Aerogurl87: He will mean attractive as a whole person because he had already told me before we met that he liked my personality and was attracted to me as a person, so then it depend upon if he found me physically attractive too...which will be what he meant after the date when he txt and said that he found me very attractive. I hate this part of dating, trying to read between the lines etc. I know that he isnt free all weekend because when we were planning our first meet he told me he is busy all weekend, which is why we did it during the week instead. So Im not too worried about him not mentioning a second date yet...I will wait untill after the weekend and see what that brings. What I'm worried about now is that he texted me alot after the date on wednesday, and alot on thursday night, with his last text being the goodnight one with a kiss at the end (which as I said previously is a good sign as he never normally puts kissses) however I didnt hear from him atall on Friday. I sent a general hello how are you text to which he didnt respond. Its now saturday morning and still not heard from him. I cant have done anything since saying good night on thursday that has put him off! I know he is busy over the weekend...but I'm worried. I have noticed a pattern that he tends to go quiet over the weekends. I rememeber last weekend I didnt hear from him either. Every other weekend it is because he has had gigs in other parts of the country (he is in a band) and I know this is true because I checked tour dates on his bands website, and everything he has said has been true. But this weekend he doesnt have any gig, and he told me that he didnt so he is being honest. But I dont know what he is doing instead! Of course we arent at the point where he has to tell me where he is or what he is doing...but I am kind of wondering why I havent heard from him.
Author caz83 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 panic over...he text me this afternoon asking what I was upto today...I wonder if he was thinking about asking me to do something?...I told him I was going christmas shopping and for dinner with my family. We have since been texting back and forth all day. he has been sending nice texts, with kisses and the end sometimes (which he doesnt normally do) and his last one this evening said "have a lovely evening with your family cutey x" so I think its good! I still dont know why I had no response from him yesterday, but I'm not thinking too much about it, maybe he was busy, or my text might not have even delivered, who knows. We definitly arent at the point where I have to know what he is doing everyday! so Im not worrying. Im going by the texts I got of him today and they have made me happier. I think its looking positive. however still no mention of meeting up again!
aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 panic over...he text me this afternoon asking what I was upto today...I wonder if he was thinking about asking me to do something?...I told him I was going christmas shopping and for dinner with my family. We have since been texting back and forth all day. he has been sending nice texts, with kisses and the end sometimes (which he doesnt normally do) and his last one this evening said "have a lovely evening with your family cutey x" so I think its good! I still dont know why I had no response from him yesterday, but I'm not thinking too much about it, maybe he was busy, or my text might not have even delivered, who knows. We definitly arent at the point where I have to know what he is doing everyday! so Im not worrying. Im going by the texts I got of him today and they have made me happier. I think its looking positive. however still no mention of meeting up again! Well I'm glad your happier now. But I still don't know how you mentioning when you're next date will be is being too "forward". I think if you want to find out if you'll be meeting again then you should casually bring up something about an event you'd like to go to sometime in the coming week and see if he gets the hint. Or you could simply ask him if he wants to do anything the following week if you want, although he may consider that as a turn off. But if that's naturally your personality then it shouldn't matter, ask him anyway. If you act one way now and change later you both will be miserable if this turns into a real relationship, so do what you want if your comfortable with it. Whether that be waiting things out or getting an answer now, do what makes you happy, not him.
Author caz83 Posted December 19, 2009 Author Posted December 19, 2009 yeah, well my personality would be to wait for him to ask really. I'm quite shy when it comes to things like that and not very forward, so naturally I wouldnt want to ask. But at the same time, I hate waiting and trying to work things out! I might say at the end of a message something like "let me know if you fancy doing something this week", I would feel comfortable with saying that, plus its suggesting it but still leaving the ball in his court..so I thing that is a good compromise!
aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2009 Posted December 19, 2009 yeah, well my personality would be to wait for him to ask really. I'm quite shy when it comes to things like that and not very forward, so naturally I wouldnt want to ask. But at the same time, I hate waiting and trying to work things out! I might say at the end of a message something like "let me know if you fancy doing something this week", I would feel comfortable with saying that, plus its suggesting it but still leaving the ball in his court..so I thing that is a good compromise! Sounds good to me.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Sincereonlineguy: He said I am by far the longest he has talked before meeting. Thaaaaaaaaaaat's where you want to be!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 yeah, well my personality would be to wait for him to ask really. I'm quite shy when it comes to things like that and not very forward, so naturally I wouldnt want to ask. Gosh, I'm so glad that I didn't read the new posts here consecutively, so I don't have to know 'exactly' how long the "panic" lasted. (I don't want to know - but the posting times would have given me an idea, and I didn't see them, because they were on two different pages here) Anyway, the "quite shy" part is an excellent match for internet dating. You probably have a great sense of yourself being a lot of good things that a partner could/would want, but you just don't have the familiarity with advertising yourself and your appeal so brazenly. The internet can let you put your best, communicative foot forward, all from the comfort of your own home, and it sort of gives you a handrail to hold as you slooooooooooowly bring yourself toward another person in social fashion. It is much easier to fess-up all of your deepest secrets, while anonymous, and only then get comfortable enough to add a name and/or phone number. Suddenly you get there, in front of him, and you are just baffled at the idea of this person KNOWING so many of your insecurities, and yet neither of you has been inspired to run out of the room. Online dating has many a time created a situation where a woman can evolve to have sex with a man she feels she knows while at the same time a man can have sex with a woman he just met! (perhaps that isn't appropriate here - but just think of the stereotypes and how it satisfies each) I'm sure that doesn't sound like your original goal, of course, but consider the unique psychology in such an equation, where the big video game we call the internet is sort of 'using' each of us as the entertainment for others. I sort of think that we start out with positive beliefs about everyone online, and then slowly chip away at "100% perfection"... and after a few days we're quite content to keep conversing with this still-97%-perfect person. Of course human psychology has long been capable of just these sorts of interactions, but the 'net lets us do things in an odd-seeming order, while we circumvent our resistance and fear-reflex. Sounds like you are doing quite nicely and hopefully learning a lot about yourself along the path.
mixwell Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 I've been talking to a guy from an online site for about a month and a half now (I didnt think it was that long, but has shocked me to realise it is!) and we still havent met. We have been emailing and texting alot and had long phone conversations but no meeting. Im not concerned as to why we havent met because it has been for various reasons on boths sides. What's worrying me is that because we have been talking for such a long time, I'm worried that if we meet and there isn't any chemisty it will be SUCH a let down! Im trying not to get my expectations up, but although I have talked to other guys online he is the first one I have wanted to meet...so cant help getting a little excited. He has been doing the online thing for a while and said that he has met up with 4 or 5 girls and each time he thought that he would like them after chatting but then there was no attraction in person so was quite dissappointing. So he is being quite realistic about it and says although he really likes my personality he still wont get any expectations until we actually meet in person. We have both said how we didnt want to chat for this long before meeting...but circumsatnces mean that this is the way it has happened, and we talked about how disappointing it would be if there was no chemistry...but admitted that we are prepared for that possibility. Do you think because we have been talking for so long there may be more of a chance of the attraction being there in person than if we had been only talking for a short amount of time, because we know eachother better. Or does that not really matter? Im so nervous about actually meeting now because I really want the chemistry to be there. Even though Im trying to be realistic, I know I will be so disappointed if there is nothing there. And him saying that he has met other people before who he was sure he would like but didnt has worried me too incase it means that he is very fussy! One thing I have learned from various readings etc is that once you meet a girl online the best thing to do is get the conversation/meeting offline ASAP. If I met a girl online I would ask for her number after a few back and forth convos and then eventually, while talking on the phone, ask her if she wanted to hang out.. I try to wait no longer than 1 week to get the conversations offline and meet in real life but that's just me personally.
Lish Posted December 20, 2009 Posted December 20, 2009 Hmmm. About why he hasn't arranged another date yet.. Personally, I believe it's because he feels really comfortable with you and he knows you quite well by now. This makes him feel more at ease with you than he would with someone he just met. Several texts per day are entirely normal to you two (even before you met), so when others date someone new, the first text/call/point of contact is usually about arranging another date.. but because you already had a calling/texting routine, he just went back into that. Sorry if that makes little sense.. it's 6.22am and I've had no sleep yet
Author caz83 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 Hmmm. About why he hasn't arranged another date yet.. Personally, I believe it's because he feels really comfortable with you and he knows you quite well by now. This makes him feel more at ease with you than he would with someone he just met. Several texts per day are entirely normal to you two (even before you met), so when others date someone new, the first text/call/point of contact is usually about arranging another date.. but because you already had a calling/texting routine, he just went back into that. Sorry if that makes little sense.. it's 6.22am and I've had no sleep yet Yeah I think that may be a good explanation. He called me tonight and we chatted for about half an hour. Again, still no mention of meeting up again. But like you said, maybe thats because we were always chatting before so that just seems normal and maybe another date will happen when it happens...maybe he doesnt see it as a big deal that he has to ask/talk about. for our first date he just text the night before and said "are you free tomorrow night"..so maybe the same thing will happen for the second date. hmm. I just want a bit of confirmation that we are going to see eachother again at some point! Im just assuming we are because from what I know of him and what he has said, he would waste his time still contacting me if he didnt see it going anywhere.
Author caz83 Posted December 20, 2009 Author Posted December 20, 2009 sooo, we have just been texting eachother after talking on the phone and I said something about how I'm planning on spending all day tomorrow in bed watching films because its the first day of my xmas holiday. and I added on the end "let me know if you want to meet up this week if your free....and if you want to of course" and he text back saying "well if you can prise yourself away from your bed we can try and meet up this week or next " good response??..I suppose it shows that he does want to see me again..
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