I had her back but then I lost her again...what do I do now?

[Cristoforo]

This is going to be long, so please bear with me if you can. My ex fiance (who I was with almost 5 years when the breakup happened) and I finally got back together after being broken up for almost a year, it was a rocky reconciliation, there was so much back and forth and uncertainty, but then finally about a week ago we both realized that we loved each other and wanted to make it work.

 

In the close to a year apart, I didn't mope over my ex and beg for her back all the time (she broke up with me). I went out and lived my life and thought if me and my ex were meant to be, we'd work things out. I was single for the first time in 5 years and I knew I had to have the mindset that things between my ex and I were not going to work out, otherwise, I'd never be able to get on with my life if I was constantly hung up on her.

 

So I lived single lifestyle for a while. I never had another girlfriend, but I did make out with a couple of random girls, and I ended up having sex with just one girl in the whole 9 months we were apart. It was a one night stand and I never intended on sleeping with this person again. Even though I was single, I still felt bad about it and still thought about my ex, I felt as if I cheated on her, even though we weren't together! That's how much in love I still was with her.

 

During these 9 months, my ex and I kept in contact and still hung out from time to time. There was a lot of back and forth and neither of us could get on the same page, I'd want to get back together and she didn't, she wanted to get back together and I was unsure, etc. until finally things started to progress really well and she started bringing me around her family again, and we started seeing each other almost daily. We also started having sex with each other again. Then we finally realized how much we loved each other and we decided we wanted to make this work and decided to get back together last week.

 

Now here is where I've ruined things: Honesty had always been a problem in our relationship. Particularly on my end. I lied a lot. Not necessarily about big things, but little things. I always thought that it was better to fib if the truth would hurt more. I was always afraid if I told her the truth about certain things, she wouldn't want to be with me. I know this is 100% wrong and that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. But no matter what, I could never stop myself from lying about things from time to time.

 

So basically when we got back together she grilled me about whether or not I had slept with someone. I lied to her and told her no, instead telling her that I had only made out with a couple of random girls. She told me she hadn't slept with anybody, but that she did make out with some guys. I figured she'd leave me if I told her I had slept with someone else. We were both virgins when we got together and I thought if she knew that she was no longer the only girl I've slept with, she'd want nothing to do with me. So I kept this lie up, as she asked me about it constantly. All the while, we were still sleeping together.

 

So last night, after we had sex, she grills me about it again, demanding to know if I slept with someone else and saying she deserves to know since we have been having sex and that it's only fair to tell her this. So finally I caved and told her the truth, that I had a one night stand, that I used protection, and that it meant nothing and that I lied to her about it because I didn't want to hurt her and because I was afraid of the consequences. She is extremely hurt and says that I have no respect for her because I didn't tell her and that she could have an STD now. I told her I used protection but she said it didn't matter.

 

She said that me sleeping with someone else when we were apart wasn't as big a deal as me being honest with her about sleeping with someone and that she wished I would have told her the first time I asked. For some reason I think this isn't true and that even if I was honest from the start, she'd still hate me for sleeping with someone else. Because of my lying past, she says she can no longer trust me and that if I can lie about something like that, what else could I lie about? She then asks if I cheated on her when we were together. The honest truth is NO. I would never cheat, ever. But since I lied about sleeping with someone, she thinks I'm lying again and doesn't believe me. This is the damage that lying does and it's only now that I'm truly realizing it.

 

She then tells me that I am a douchebag and a crappy person who just pretends to be nice but deep down inside they are just an awful person who has no respect for anyone. She says I disrespected her body by not telling her I slept with someone else and that I never cared about her. She then tells me to get out of her life and leave her alone, don't call, don't email, don't text. I tell her that because I do care about her and love her that I will respect her wishes and leave her alone. As I get my stuff to leave her place she says "You're the devil". And then I walk out of her house and out of her life.

 

Now I'm miserable. I had her back. That's all I really wanted for the past 9 months. And I screwed it all up on lying. Not just this particular lie, but my history of lying about things because I was afraid of the consequences. And now I've lost her again and I don't know what to do. I guess I deserve it. I should never have lied to her. But she is wrong when she calls me a terrible person. I am a good person, I do care about people. I did love her with all my heart but I just had a small problem with telling the truth sometime. It hurts me to think that she thinks I never cared about her or loved her.

 

So what do I do now? I want to call her so bad but I know I can't. Should I just respect her wishes and leave me alone? Do you think she will ever want to talk to me again after this?? I'm so lost right now. But I have to accept that I dug this grave for myself. If any lesson can be learned from this, its that you should be honest 100% of the time. Unfortunately for me, I learned that probably a little too late. What advice can you all give me on how to deal with this?

[ADF]

Leave this relationship alone. It is OVER. Move on.

 

You know what I think your biggest problem is? You seem to have a hard time taking responsibility for your actions. I can tell by the way you describe those actions. You don't say, "I had a one-night stand with a woman." You say you "ended up" sleeping together, like it was some kind of accident. You say you know lying is a problem, but claim you cannot stop yourself. You seem to regard yourself as unable to control your behavior. Nonsense. Stop being so passive.

[Cristoforo]

Why do you say it's over? You don't know my ex. She could come around and forgive me at some point, you don't know that for sure.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well I don't know how old you or your gf are but it sounds like you both have a lot of growing up and maturing to do.

You because of your compulsive lying over petty things..and her because shes the one who broke up with you and then couldn't handle the fact that you went off somewhere else.

Sounds like a pretty toxic relationship...and if you guys ever do get back together now...expect her to put that in your face whenever you guys get into any arguement!

[sean1970]

Why do you say it's over? You don't know my ex. She could come around and forgive me at some point, you don't know that for sure.

 

Neither do you... You have no idea how she will react over time. Its just important that you give it time.

 

Sad thing is, we always say to do this, very few do. Myself included.

[NopeNah]

The only thing I see as wrong doing on your part is:not telling her that it's none of her concern what took place after she broke up with you. My ex tried to pull this on me when she came back. Didn't tell her a thing except that I'd been on quite a few dates. Once they leave you, you are free to do as you please.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think your ex was looking for a way out. Honestly.

 

She grilled you because she was SEARCHING for something. She wanted to find something to hate or dislike you for. All she needed was an excuse.

 

And bless your heart because I understand why you lied. I would be afraid of the exact same thing. The point is you told the truth in the end and that is what counts.

 

She is over-reacting completely and being dramatic and quite frankly attention seeking. She may be insecure or just immature or perhaps the sex issue is just huge for her considering that she was a virgin before you, (is she religious or anything?)

 

Either way you didn't do anything wrong in my opinion.

[Cristoforo]

I think she was grilling because she was concerned about the STD thing. Either way I still think she would have been angry had I told the truth from the start. I'm an idiot and I screwed this up and lost the love of my life.

[hoping2heal]

She has no business asking you wether you slept with someone or not. You should not of lied to her, and I think rather than pining over this one- you should seek really deep inside of yourself WHY you don't feel you can be honest with her, without it meaning the end of the relationship. For example, what you should of said is "I don't want to discuss what happened during the time we were broken up because I know it can lead to hurt feelings and tension." Would she of accepted that?

[Cristoforo]

No, she wouldn't have accepted that. I think she was asking about it because of the STD issue, she claims that she wouldn't be upset with me if I slept with someone else, only if I lied about it, and that she had a right to know if I was with someone else because she was sleeping with me again and didn't want an STD.

[hoping2heal]

No, she wouldn't have accepted that. I think she was asking about it because of the STD issue, she claims that she wouldn't be upset with me if I slept with someone else, only if I lied about it, and that she had a right to know if I was with someone else because she was sleeping with me again and didn't want an STD.

 

 

Okay well, I can understand not wanting to get an Std- but the proper protocol for that would of been "I would like you to have an std test done before we have sex." Or when she asked if you were with anyone else; you could of said I'm not open to discussing that as we were not together, however I am willing to get an std screen.

 

Either way, you two do not sound good for one another. She isn't even someone you trust enough to tell the truth too.

[trueblue72ny]

i think your ex was looking for a way out. Honestly.

 

She grilled you because she was searching for something. She wanted to find something to hate or dislike you for. All she needed was an excuse.

 

And bless your heart because i understand why you lied. I would be afraid of the exact same thing. The point is you told the truth in the end and that is what counts.

 

She is over-reacting completely and being dramatic and quite frankly attention seeking. She may be insecure or just immature or perhaps the sex issue is just huge for her considering that she was a virgin before you, (is she religious or anything?)

 

either way you didn't do anything wrong in my opinion.

 

well said!