professorTR Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 Hello All, I'm not really sure why I am starting a new thread, but I feel compelled to communicate what I am feeling. My story can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209069/ Anyway, I'm finding that, when it comes on, the pain of my separation and impending divorce is unbearable. I feel so lost without my wife. Nothing hurts more than to have her tell me that she simply "doesn't want to be with me anymore." I seem to be vacillating between acceptance and denial, although I'm not certain my acceptance phases are genuine. I'm still hopelessly clinging to hope (paradox?), rendering myself incapable of moving on. My ego is so fragile that I am afraid to live life. I use an analogy for my situation: It's as though I've always been on the sidelines of life, watching the "game" so to speak, afraid to be a part of the game for fear of getting hurt. This was made possible because I had my wife sitting there on the bench with me. Now that she's gone I'm left alone, but to complicate matters it's as though now she is out there playing the game too. I seem to have an "us and them" mentality. I'm finding it very difficult to be comfortable in my own shoes. I feel unless I'm getting attention I don't exist. The whole thing is very obviously quite Oedipal. When a mother puts her toddler down to explore his surroundings and, say, he get's stung by a bee, he can run back into the safety of his mother's arms. This is how I feel now: I'm so afraid of living in the world and having experiences because I no longer have someone to run to for comfort when things get tough. I've been reading many different books on abandonment, obsessive love, etc., and though I can rationalize much of what's going on I'm still at a loss emotionally. My wife and I had been keeping regular contact, during which time I'd reiterated how I believe we can fix our problems, yet she continued to insist that we're too broken and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm scared to accept it because then the last link between the two of us would be broken. She's been saying all along that this is best for both of us and that I'll see that one day. One day, she claims, I will be over her and have moved on to someone else and a fuller, richer life. However, what my mind twists this into is that I don't want her to be right. I want her to see that I'm completely miserable without her, though I know it just pushes her further away. I'm afraid of getting the dreaded "I told you so....I told you you'd move on from this and be happy." I feel like that moment would bring me down all over again. I'm just so lost right now. It's been hard for me to admit that we weren't ready for the relationship/life we entered into. While it may be true, I still cling to what we had because it was "safe." I'm not strong enough to make it on my own. I'm running out of things to say for the moment, but I'm sure I will be back with more. Can any of you offer thoughts/suggestions/insights???
sean1970 Posted December 11, 2009 Posted December 11, 2009 (edited) My wife and I had been keeping regular contact, during which time I'd reiterated how I believe we can fix our problems, yet she continued to insist that we're too broken and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. We all tried to defy Newton's 3rd law. In the end, the harder you try (push) the further she gets away. You cant tell her anything Prof... And in the end, that is not what it is going to be about. When you come out of this on the other side (and you will), it wont have had anything to do with what you tried to do with her/the relationship; it will be what you eventually did for yourself. You will hear a lot about NC here. In your case, the sooner you start, the worse it will get (yes, I wrote that right). It will get worse before it gets better; breaking contact is the most difficult thing most of us have ever had to do. You will post here that you have lost weight, cant sleep, are a zombie at work. Know that we have been there and will help where we can. But you have to do the heavy lifting and it starts with picking yourself up and at least think that you deserve better (believing comes later). Edited December 11, 2009 by sean1970
Recommended Posts